Vivian Marlowe
Living with a spouse who has an alcohol addiction can be emotionally painful, stressful, and unpredictable. It can impact your physical and emotional well-being, as well as your family's finances and safety. It is important to remember that you did not cause their drinking and cannot control or cure it. While it may seem counterintuitive, it is critical to focus on yourself and your own emotions and needs. Educate yourself about substance use disorders and seek support from peer groups like Al-Anon. When talking to your spouse about their drinking, wait until they are sober, and calmly discuss your concerns, providing facts about the impact of alcohol on the body and mind, as well as treatment options. Offer help and support, but do not enable their drinking by making excuses or bailing them out of legal trouble.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| What to do | Educate yourself about substance use disorders, including the diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. |
| Wait until your spouse is sober and then calmly discuss your concerns about their drinking. | |
| Offer to help with scheduling a doctor’s appointment for an evaluation, calling treatment centers, or going with them to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings. | |
| Offer support and create a plan. | |
| Seek out peer support groups, such as Al-Anon. | |
| Consult a healthcare provider or addiction specialist to assess your spouse's situation and determine the appropriate course of action. | |
| Seek professional support, couples therapy, and fellowship groups. | |
| What not to do | Obsessively monitor your spouse’s drinking behavior, keep constant tabs on their whereabouts, attempt to discard their alcohol, lecture them, forbid them from drinking, or plead with them to stop drinking. |
| Shout, judge, blame, or enable their drinking. | |
| Accept that you're the reason for their drinking or any requests to change your behaviour. | |
| Try to control their drinking or cover for them. | |
| Stay in the relationship if your safety is at risk. |
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What You'll Learn
Don't talk to them when they're drunk
Living with a spouse who has an alcohol problem can be incredibly challenging and stressful. It can impact your physical and emotional well-being, and it's important to recognise that you cannot control or cure their drinking. You can, however, offer support and take steps to look after yourself and your family.
When your spouse comes home drunk, it is important to avoid talking to them when they are in this state. Here are some reasons why:
- They are unlikely to take in what you have to say. Alcohol impairs cognitive abilities and can cloud judgement, so your spouse may not be in a position to listen or respond appropriately to a serious conversation.
- Anger and alcohol are often linked. Your spouse may become defensive or angry, and the situation could escalate. This could make an already challenging situation worse and cause further issues.
- You may be enabling their behaviour. If you engage in a conversation with your spouse when they are drunk, you are, in a way, accepting this state as normal. This could perpetuate their drinking and send the message that their behaviour is acceptable.
- It could be dangerous. Alcohol impairs judgement and can make people act in unpredictable ways. If your spouse becomes aggressive or violent, your safety and well-being could be at risk.
- You may not be in the right frame of mind. Living with an alcoholic spouse can take a toll on your mental health. You may be exhausted, drained, and overwhelmed. Having a serious conversation when you are not feeling your best could be detrimental to your well-being.
Instead of talking to your spouse when they are drunk, wait until they are sober. This increases the chances of a productive conversation and reduces the risk of the situation becoming volatile. Focus on yourself and your family, and seek support from groups such as Al-Anon, which is designed for families of people struggling with alcohol abuse. Remember, your well-being is a priority, and you cannot cure your spouse's alcohol problem, but you can offer support and encouragement to seek professional help.
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Focus on yourself and your household's physical and mental health
Living with a spouse who has an alcohol use disorder can be incredibly challenging, and it's important to focus on yourself and your household's physical and mental health. Here are some ways to do that:
Maintain a Routine
Try to stick to a family routine as much as possible. Go to work, eat meals, relax, and go to bed at the same time every day. This can help create a sense of normality and stability for you and your household members.
Seek Support
It is crucial to recognise that you don't have to go through this alone. Reach out to support groups such as Al-Anon, which is specifically designed for families and spouses of people struggling with alcohol abuse. These groups can provide you with valuable coping skills and a community of people who understand what you're going through. Additionally, consider seeking individual counselling or therapy to have a safe space to process your feelings and experiences.
Educate Yourself
Take the time to educate yourself about substance use disorders. Learn about the diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. This knowledge will not only help you gain empathy for your spouse's experience but also provide valuable information for discussions and decisions regarding their care and your well-being.
Take Care of Your Physical and Mental Health
Living with an alcoholic spouse can take a toll on your physical and mental health. Prioritise self-care and engage in activities that promote your physical and mental well-being. This could include exercising, eating well, practising relaxation techniques, and getting enough sleep. Don't neglect your own health needs while navigating your spouse's addiction.
Set Boundaries
It's important to set healthy boundaries with your spouse. Refrain from enabling their drinking by making excuses for them, covering up their behaviour, or minimising the impact of their drinking on your family. While it may seem difficult, allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their drinking can be a crucial step in their journey towards recovery. Focus on what you can control, which is primarily your own actions and well-being.
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Don't enable them
It is important to remember that you did not cause your spouse's drinking, nor can you control or cure it. While it's not your responsibility to get your spouse to stop drinking, your encouragement and support may motivate them to seek help.
Enabling your spouse involves behaviours such as covering for them or making excuses for their drinking. For example, calling their workplace and telling their boss that they are sick when they are actually intoxicated or hungover, bailing them out of jail for a DUI, minimising the impact of their drinking on your family, or pretending the issue does not exist. Enabling can also include buying alcohol for your spouse, giving them money to buy alcohol, or drinking with them or around them.
Instead, you can support your spouse by encouraging them to seek help and offering to connect them to resources such as counselling, treatment, group meetings, or rehab. You can also suggest activities that you can do together that don't involve alcohol. It is important to set clear boundaries and encourage your spouse to get treatment while also taking care of yourself. Consider attending peer support groups such as Al-Anon, where you can learn coping skills and connect with others going through similar experiences.
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Offer support and create a plan
Living with a spouse who has an alcohol use disorder can be challenging, stressful, and emotionally draining. It is important to remember that you did not cause their drinking problem, and you cannot control or cure it. However, you can offer support and create a plan to help them progress towards drinking less and abstaining from alcohol. Here are some ways to do that:
Educate Yourself
Learn about substance use disorders, including the diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. This knowledge will provide you with empathy for your partner's experience and valuable information for discussions and decisions about their drinking.
Offer Help
Tell your spouse that you are willing to support them in their journey towards reducing their alcohol consumption. This could include scheduling a doctor's appointment, calling treatment centres, or accompanying them to support group meetings such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Offer to attend family or
Have Calm and Patient Conversations
Wait until your partner is sober and approach them calmly and patiently. Share your concerns about their drinking and how it impacts you and your family. For example, you could say, "You came home really drunk and woke up the children. I'm worried about how this will affect them. What can we do about this?" Keep the conversation focused on your feelings and experiences rather than accusing or lecturing them.
Create a Plan Together
Work with your spouse to set goals and create a plan for reducing their alcohol consumption. This might include setting a date to check in and discuss their progress, offering encouragement, and helping them find alternative activities that don't involve alcohol. Remember that recovery is a journey, and what works in one moment may not work in another, so it's important to have a variety of coping strategies and be prepared to adapt.
Seek Support for Yourself
Taking care of yourself is crucial. Consider attending support groups such as Al-Anon, which is specifically designed for families and spouses of people struggling with alcohol abuse. Therapy can also provide a safe space to process your feelings and discuss ways to support your spouse. Remember, you cannot help your spouse if you are not taking care of yourself first.
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Seek professional help
Living with an alcoholic spouse can be emotionally, psychologically, socially, and physically challenging. It can impact your health, well-being, and stability in the relationship. It is critical to look after yourself and focus on your own emotions and needs. You can do this by engaging in activities that promote your physical, emotional, and mental health, such as pursuing hobbies, spending time with friends, or practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques.
Seeking professional help is a pivotal step toward recovery for those struggling with alcoholism. This might include therapy, counseling, or attending support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon, the family member's version of Alcoholics Anonymous. Professionals can offer strategies and treatments tailored to your spouse's needs, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy or medication-assisted treatment. Offer to help your spouse research options or accompany them to appointments.
Educate yourself about substance use disorders, including the diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. This knowledge can provide you with empathy for your partner's experience and solid data to aid discussions and decisions. Offer emotional support without enabling their behavior. Enabling behaviors can include calling in sick to work for them when they are hungover, buying them alcohol, making excuses to family or loved ones about their alcohol use, paying their bills or legal fees, or drinking alcohol with them or around them.
Setting boundaries is crucial for your well-being and can motivate your spouse toward recovery. Determine what behaviors you cannot accept and exercise assertive communication to set these boundaries with your spouse in a direct yet supportive manner.
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Frequently asked questions
It is important not to talk to them when they are drunk as they are unlikely to take in what you have to say. Instead, wait until they are sober, and calmly discuss your concerns about their drinking.
You can let them know the impact their drinking is having on you and others in the household. You could say something like, "You came home really drunk and woke up the children. I'm worried about the impact this will have on them. What can we do about this?"
Educate yourself about substance use disorders, including the diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. You can also offer to help them schedule a doctor's appointment, call treatment centres, or attend Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings with them.
You might want to consider an intervention, although this is not appropriate for all circumstances. If you feel your safety is at risk, it may be time to leave the relationship. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support.
It is critical to focus on your own physical and mental health, as well as that of any children or other family members in your household. You can seek out peer support groups such as Al-Anon, or attend therapy to help you cope with the situation.
