Vivian Marlowe
Living with an alcoholic parent can be stressful and take a toll on your mental health, and it can be difficult to know what to do when faced with this situation. Alcoholism affects not only the individual but also their family, especially their children, and can lead to emotional, physical, mental, and financial abuse and neglect. It is important to remember that you are not alone and that you are not responsible for your parent's drinking problem. If you are worried about your alcoholic parent, there are several steps you can take to help them and protect yourself.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Emotional | You may feel anger, frustration, disappointment, helplessness, and fear. |
| Physical | Alcoholism can lead to physical abuse. |
| Mental | Alcoholism can lead to mental abuse. |
| Financial | Alcoholism can lead to financial abuse. |
| Enabling behaviours | Ignoring the situation, covering up their drinking, accepting unacceptable behaviour, and blame shifting. |
| Support | Talk to a friend, a trusted adult, a teacher, a school counsellor, a doctor, a therapist, or a relative. Join a support group. |
| Safety | Have an emergency plan. Leave the house if things become dangerous. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline or emergency services if you feel unsafe. |
| Conversation | Choose a time and place that's safe and private. Don't initiate the conversation when your parent is intoxicated. Use "I" statements. |
| Treatment | Connect with a treatment provider. Research treatment centres and options. |
| Boundaries | Establish boundaries with your parent. |
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What You'll Learn
Recognise the signs of alcohol addiction and abuse
Recognising the signs of alcohol addiction and abuse is a crucial step in understanding how it may be affecting you and your family. Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a medical condition characterised by an impaired ability to stop or control alcohol use, despite adverse consequences on health, work, and relationships. Here are some key signs to look out for:
Behavioural Changes
People with AUD may find themselves planning their lives around their next drink, spending a lot of time obtaining alcohol, drinking, or recovering from hangovers. They may also drink more than intended or for longer periods, and their attempts to reduce alcohol consumption may be unsuccessful. This can lead to a neglect of obligations at work, home, or school, impacting their ability to meet their own or their family's basic needs.
Cravings and Withdrawal Symptoms
AUD can cause intense cravings for alcohol and physical withdrawal symptoms when not drinking. These symptoms can include trouble sleeping, shakiness, restlessness, nausea, sweating, a racing heart, feeling uneasy or unhappy, a general sense of being unwell, low mood, or even seizures. The presence of multiple withdrawal symptoms is a strong indicator of AUD.
Relationship and Social Issues
Alcohol addiction can severely damage personal relationships. It can cause issues with family, friends, and colleagues, and the person may continue drinking despite these negative consequences. Alcohol abuse in parents can have serious effects on children, including emotional and physical neglect, exposure to violence, and adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) that can impact their adulthood.
Health Risks
AUD can lead to lasting changes in the brain, making individuals vulnerable to relapse and causing further health issues. It can also increase the risk of developing other psychiatric conditions, such as depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.
It is important to remember that recognising these signs is just the first step. If you or someone you know is displaying these signs, it is crucial to seek professional help and support. Treatment options are available, and recovery is achievable.
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Prioritise your health and well-being
Living with an alcoholic parent can be stressful and take a toll on your mental and physical health. It can be challenging to know where to turn, but your support can be life-changing. It is important to prioritise your health and well-being when dealing with an alcoholic parent. Here are some ways to do that:
Open up to someone
Talk to a good friend, a teacher, a school counsellor, a doctor, a therapist, or another relative. Let them know what you are going through. It can be a relief to share your feelings and they may be able to offer further help and support.
Know that it's not your fault
Some people blame themselves for their parent's substance abuse. They may think about times when their parent was angry or blamed them. But children cannot cause their parent's substance problem. Alcoholism is an illness, and your parent will need a doctor or medical professional to help them get better.
Don't bottle up your feelings
Plan activities that you enjoy, such as reading, watching TV, or hanging out with friends. Stick to an exercise routine, spend time outdoors, and stick to a healthy meal plan and sleep schedule.
Create respectful boundaries
You may want your parent to be a part of your life and your children's lives, but you may not want to place yourself in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation. It is important to establish boundaries with your parent. Take some time to think about what you are willing to accept and what you are not.
Have an emergency plan
Any signs of verbal abuse, physical abuse, or threatening behaviour should prompt you to leave immediately. If you feel that your mental health is deteriorating to the point where you may have a breakdown, this is also a sign that you should activate your emergency plan. This could include telling a teacher at school that you are unsafe at home. It is important to be able to leave the house if things become dangerous.
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Plan an escape route and emergency fund
If you are experiencing abuse or threats from an alcoholic parent, it is important to prioritize your safety and well-being. Here are some steps to help you plan an escape route and establish an emergency fund:
Plan an Escape Route:
- Identify multiple exits: Walk through your home and identify at least two exit routes from each room. Ensure that windows and doors are easily accessible and unobstructed.
- Create a home escape plan: Download and print a home escape plan worksheet to help visualize and practice your escape route.
- Install smoke alarms: Install smoke alarms in every bedroom, outside sleeping areas, and on each level of your home. Test them monthly and replace the batteries every six months, or opt for 10-year sealed battery alarms.
- Establish a safe meeting place: Decide on a safe location outside your home where you can meet family members or pets after escaping.
- Practice your escape route: Familiarize yourself and your family with the escape route by practicing it regularly, including at night.
- Use a code word or signal: Establish a code word or signal with trusted individuals, such as neighbors or friends, to indicate that you need help or that they should call 911.
- Plan your destination: Determine a safe place where you can stay if you need to leave your home, such as a friend's or relative's house.
- Prepare an emergency bag: Pack a bag with important documents, money, medications, an extra set of clothes, and other essentials. Keep it hidden and easily accessible.
- Increase your independence: Leave extra money, keys, and clothes with a trusted friend or relative. Open a separate bank account in your name to start building financial independence.
Establish an Emergency Fund:
- Start saving: If possible, open a savings account in your name at a different bank to build an emergency fund. You can consider direct deposits or saving a portion of your income or allowance.
- Keep important documents: Make copies of essential documents, such as birth certificates, passports, or medical records, and store them safely with a trusted friend or in a secure location outside your home.
- Secure personal belongings: If you have valuables or items of sentimental value, consider leaving them with a trusted friend or in a safe deposit box.
- Prepare essential items: Keep essential items like medications, glasses, or hearing aids with you or in your emergency bag.
- Maintain privacy: Review the privacy settings on your social media accounts and adjust them to restrict access to specific individuals. Disable location settings on your smartphone and social media accounts.
- Use a prepaid phone: Consider purchasing a prepaid mobile phone and keeping it in a safe place. Use this phone for emergency calls or communication with trusted contacts.
- Document evidence: Save any threatening messages, emails, voicemails, or photos as evidence. Use a portable USB flash drive to store this documentation and other important files.
Remember, your safety is paramount. If you feel threatened or assaulted, call the police and seek medical attention. Reach out to trusted individuals, such as friends, teachers, or relatives, and consider contacting support groups or hotlines for additional help.
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Talk to a trusted adult or friend
Living with an alcoholic parent can be stressful and can take a toll on your mental and physical health. It can be challenging to know where to turn, but your support can be life-changing. It is important to remember that you are not alone and that you should not hide your parent's addiction from other family members.
If you are worried about your parent, it is a good idea to talk to a trusted adult or friend. This could be a teacher, school counsellor, doctor, therapist, or relative. It can be a relief to share what it is like for you, and they may be able to help you in other ways. It is important to remember that you cannot make your parent quit drinking or go to rehab, but you can bring their attention to the fact that you think they have a problem. You might be worried about them getting angry, yelling at you, or getting violent. If you are concerned about a violent reaction, do not have the conversation alone and always have someone with you.
Before talking to your parent, it is important to plan what you want to say. Choose a time and place that is safe and private, where your parent will feel comfortable. Try to use phrases that start with "I" rather than "you". For example, say "I'm worried about you" or "I'm concerned about the amount you're drinking". It is also important to avoid having this conversation when your parent is intoxicated.
If you are a minor, it is important to have an emergency plan in place. Any signs of verbal abuse, physical abuse, or threatening behaviour should prompt you to leave immediately. Tell a teacher at school that you are unsafe at home. Make sure you have a bag packed and an emergency fund stashed away. It is also crucial to look after your health and well-being, continue engaging in your hobbies, and stick to a healthy meal plan and sleep schedule.
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Encourage your parent to seek treatment
Dealing with a parent with alcohol addiction is challenging and painful, and it is important to remember that it is not your fault. Alcoholism is an illness, and your parent will need professional help to recover. Here are some ways to encourage your parent to seek treatment:
Start the Conversation
You cannot force your parent to change, quit drinking, or go to rehab. However, you can bring their attention to the fact that you think they have a problem. Choose a time and place that is safe and private, where your parent will feel comfortable. Avoid initiating the conversation when your parent is intoxicated, and do not do it when you are intoxicated either. If you are concerned about a violent reaction, do not have the conversation alone; bring someone you trust along. Remember, the point of the conversation is not to convince them they have a problem but to express your concern.
Offer Support
Your support can be life-changing for your parent. Reassure them that seeking help is not a sign of weakness but a brave and necessary step toward getting better. Offer to help them find treatment options, such as therapy, support groups, or rehabilitation programs. You can also assist them with logistics, such as scheduling appointments or navigating insurance coverage.
Involve the Family
Encourage your parent to seek professional treatment while involving the family in therapy or support groups to promote healing, education, and healthy boundaries. This can help your parent feel supported and understood by their loved ones.
Seek Outside Help
If you are unsure about how to help your parent, you can turn to friends and family members of your parent to help convince them to seek treatment. You can also seek the services of a professional interventionist, or help from a medical professional, therapist, or counsellor. There are support groups and resources available to help family members of alcoholics, such as Co-Dependents Anonymous, which can provide emotional support and guidance.
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Frequently asked questions
If you are in danger, call 911. If you are a minor, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE. It is important to have an emergency plan in place. This could include telling a teacher, another trusted adult, or a family member about your situation at home.
It is important to remember that you cannot force your parent to change their behaviour. However, you can express your concern for their health and well-being. If you are worried about their reaction, it is best to have the conversation when they are sober and to have someone with you. Try to use phrases that start with "I" instead of "you", such as "I am worried about you".
Alcoholism is a disease that can be cured with proper treatment and commitment. Your parent might try to deny their addiction or blame you for it. Do not allow them to manipulate you and do not ignore the situation. Continue to encourage them to seek help and provide them with resources when they are ready.
