Don't Stand By, Take Action On Alcoholism

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that can take a toll on relationships and the mental health of those closest to the person suffering from the addiction. Living with an alcoholic spouse can be emotionally painful and overwhelming, with partners often taking on additional household duties and experiencing constant stress and worry about their spouse's health and well-being. It is important to recognize the warning signs of alcohol abuse and understand the negative impact it can have on both the individual and their loved ones. While it may be challenging, it is crucial to address the situation and seek appropriate support for both the alcoholic and their spouse.

Recognising the signs of alcoholism

One of the most noticeable signs of alcoholism is an increase in both the tolerance and consumption of alcohol. Your spouse may start drinking greater amounts to feel its effects, or you might notice that they are drinking more frequently. This escalation is often gradual, making it one of the trickier signs to spot early on.

Other signs to look out for include:

• Withdrawal symptoms when not drinking, such as anxiety, shaking, sweating, nausea, and even seizures in extreme cases.
• A shift towards secrecy and dishonesty about drinking habits, such as hiding alcohol or lying about consumption.
• Neglect of responsibilities, such as poor work performance, forgetting important dates, or a general lack of engagement with family life.
• Financial difficulties due to increased spending on alcohol.
• Changes in physical health, including weight changes, a consistently flushed face, decreased personal hygiene, or more frequent illnesses.
• Mood swings, irritability, or a loss of interest in activities or hobbies.
• Abusive behaviours, such as derogatory remarks, name-calling, threats, or physical violence.
• Coercive or non-consensual sexual activity.

If you recognise these signs in your spouse, it is essential to approach the situation with care and empathy. Express your concerns calmly and from a place of love, and encourage them to seek professional help. Remember, there are also support groups available for spouses and family members of people struggling with alcoholism.

Enabling vs helping

Living with an alcoholic spouse can be emotionally painful, stressful, and overwhelming. It can be difficult to know how to help your spouse, and you may even be enabling them without realizing it.

Enabling and helping can look very similar, and it can be challenging to distinguish between the two. Enabling is defined as doing things for an alcoholic or addict that they could do for themselves if they were sober. It also involves attempting to protect the alcoholic/addict from the consequences of their actions. For example, calling their boss to say they are sick when they are hungover, giving them money to spend on alcohol, or making excuses for their drinking. Enabling often results in a dysfunctional dynamic where family and friends support the addict's lifestyle.

Helping, on the other hand, is doing something for the alcoholic that they cannot do for themselves when sober. Helping does not protect them from the consequences of their actions. For example, giving an addict a ride to an AA meeting after they have lost their driver's license. It is important to understand that even if you have good intentions, enabling is not helping the alcoholic or addict. By protecting them from the consequences of their actions, you are feeding into their addiction and delaying their opportunity to seek treatment.

What to Do Instead

• Set boundaries: Boundaries are important to protect both you and your spouse. Make it clear that you will no longer participate in enabling behaviors. For example, "I will not allow you to drink in my home. If you do, you will have 24 hours to find somewhere else to stay."
• Seek support: Consider seeking help from a professional or support group, such as Al-Anon Family Groups. These groups can provide you with social support and encouragement from others going through similar situations.
• Talk to your spouse: Approach the situation in a calm, non-defensive manner. Share how their drinking has negatively impacted you and ask if they have noticed any ways that alcohol has negatively affected them or your family.
• Encourage treatment: Express your love and concern, and encourage your spouse to seek professional help or attend support groups.
• Take care of yourself: Living with an alcoholic spouse can take a toll on your mental health. It is important to make choices that are good for your own physical and mental well-being.

The impact on your mental health

Living with or watching a spouse struggle with alcoholism can be emotionally painful and have a massive impact on one's mental health. It can be overwhelming, especially when children are involved, and can take a toll on their emotions and mental health. Alcoholism often feels like a losing battle for those on the receiving end, and it tends to play out very slowly. The slow decline makes it harder to see and allows those affected to make more justifications for themselves and the alcoholic.

The wives of alcoholics, in particular, undergo intense trauma and stress in their domestic environment, which brings about major psychological problems. High levels of anxiety, depression, neuroticism, and poor self-esteem are some of the issues they face. The alcoholic's obsession with drinking can lead to domestic violence, emotional violence, and financial violence, as well as a neglect of family needs and responsibilities. As a result, the burden often falls on the spouse, who may take on more household duties and experience constant stress and worry about their partner's health and well-being. This can lead to feelings of exhaustion and overwhelm.

It is important for spouses of alcoholics to prioritize their own physical and mental health and seek outside support. Joining support groups such as Al-Anon can provide social support and encouragement from others with similar experiences. Additionally, spouses may benefit from seeing a therapist to manage the stress and emotional challenges of living with an alcoholic partner.

Enabling the alcoholic's behaviour can be detrimental to both parties. Well-meaning actions, such as covering up for their drinking or making excuses, can prevent the alcoholic from facing the natural consequences of their actions. It is crucial to deal with the problem openly and honestly, allowing the alcoholic to experience the full impact of their behaviour.

While it may be difficult, confronting the alcoholic spouse about their drinking is an important step. It is recommended to approach the conversation calmly and non-defensively, expressing love and concern while encouraging them to seek help. However, it is important to be prepared for denial and defensiveness, as addiction can make individuals feel ashamed and resistant to change.

How to talk to your spouse about their drinking

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that can take a toll on the emotional and physical health of both the alcoholic and their spouse. It can be challenging to confront your spouse about their drinking, but there are ways to approach the conversation productively and compassionately. Here are some strategies to help you talk to your spouse about their drinking:

Do Your Research:

Before approaching your spouse, take time to understand Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) and how it may be affecting your partner. Learn about the potential physical and mental health impacts of alcohol withdrawal and treatment options. Understanding the condition can help you have a more informed and empathetic conversation.

Choose the Right Time and Place:

Select a time when your spouse is sober and a private location where you both have ample time to talk. Avoid bringing up the topic spur-of-the-moment, especially before bed or during an event where alcohol is involved. Create a calm and comfortable environment for the discussion.

Start the Conversation Gently:

Begin the conversation with a gentle and compassionate approach. Express your love and concern for your spouse. Share specific examples of how their drinking has affected their health, job, friendships, and your relationship. For instance, you could say, "I'm concerned about your health and our relationship. I've noticed an increase in your drinking. Can we talk about this?"

Keep the Conversation Factual and Non-Confrontational:

Focus on facts and how their drinking has impacted you. Avoid accusatory language, criticism, or demands, as these may put your spouse on the defensive. Instead, use a neutral tone and keep an open mind. Let them know that you want to address this together as a team.

Encourage Treatment and Offer Support:

Encourage your spouse to seek help, such as speaking to a healthcare professional or contacting a specialist treatment centre. Offer your support throughout their recovery journey. Let them know that admitting a problem and seeking support can be scary, and they don't have to go through it alone.

Take Care of Yourself:

Dealing with a spouse's alcoholism can be emotionally draining. Ensure you have a good support system and consider seeking help from support groups or professionals. Remember that you cannot control or stop your partner's drinking, but you can make choices that prioritize your well-being.

Remember, addressing addiction is challenging, but it is a crucial step towards positive change.

Seeking outside support

Living with an alcoholic spouse can be emotionally painful, stressful, and overwhelming. It can also take a toll on your mental health and that of your children. It is important to remember that you cannot force sobriety on your spouse. However, there are ways to support your spouse and yourself as you navigate this challenging situation.

Research and Understanding: Educate yourself about alcoholism, its effects, and treatment options. Understanding the disease can promote empathy, compassion, and a better grasp of how to empower your spouse to seek help.

Open and Honest Communication: Choose an appropriate time and place to talk to your spouse about their drinking. Express your love and concern for their safety and well-being, using “I” statements to share your feelings and observations without placing blame.

Seek Professional Help: Encourage your spouse to seek professional help and treatment for their addiction. This may include therapy, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which can help address the underlying psychology of addiction and develop coping strategies. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and similar support groups provide community and peer support for those in sobriety or working towards it.

Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries to protect yourself and your family. Make it clear what behaviours are unacceptable, and do not tolerate any forms of unacceptable behaviour, even if your spouse is intoxicated. While it may be difficult, setting firm boundaries is important for your well-being and can also help your spouse in the long run.

Self-Care and Support: Prioritize your self-care and seek outside support for yourself. Consider attending support groups such as Al-Anon Family Groups, where you can connect with others going through similar experiences. These groups can provide valuable social support and help you stop letting your spouse's drinking dominate your thoughts and life. Additionally, you can contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline or similar services for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.

Intervention: If your spouse is in denial or defensive about their addiction, consider a family intervention with the help of a professional interventionist. Interventions can involve family, friends, and roommates and may be a necessary step in getting your spouse to acknowledge their problem and seek help.

Frequently asked questions