The Choice: Bailing An Alcoholic Brother Out Of Jail

Whether or not to bail a loved one out of jail is a difficult decision, especially when that person is a close family member like a brother. While some people may feel obligated to help their brother and provide support, others may argue that allowing him to face the consequences of his actions is the best way to help him. In the case of an alcoholic brother, there is an added layer of complexity as the individual may be struggling with a disease that requires professional help. While bailing him out of jail may provide temporary relief, it is important to consider the underlying issues that led to the arrest and whether the individual is willing to seek treatment for their alcoholism. Enabling your brother's addiction by bailing him out could potentially do more harm than good.

Enabling behaviour

To break the cycle of enabling, it is crucial to set and maintain boundaries. This may involve refusing to provide financial support, not making excuses for their behaviour, and allowing them to face the consequences of their actions. While difficult, this can ultimately help guide them towards treatment and recovery.

It is also essential to prioritise self-care and maintain one's own health and well-being. Supporting an addicted loved one can be emotionally draining, and it is crucial to recognise the impact on one's own life. Seeking support from groups like Al-Anon can provide valuable resources and a community of people with shared experiences.

While it may be challenging, allowing your alcoholic brother to face the consequences of his actions can be a catalyst for change. Enabling behaviours, though well-intentioned, can inadvertently perpetuate the addiction. By setting boundaries and encouraging him to take responsibility, you can help create an environment that fosters recovery.

Financial and legal implications

If you decide to bail your brother out of jail, there are several financial and legal implications to consider. Firstly, you will need to pay the bail amount set by the court, which can vary depending on the charges and the jurisdiction. In some cases, you may be able to use the services of a bail bond company, which typically charge a premium of around 10% of the full bail amount. This can be a quick way to get your brother out of jail, but it is important to understand that this premium is non-refundable.

If you choose to pay the bail amount directly, you may be able to retrieve the money if your brother is found not guilty or the charges are dropped. However, if he fails to appear for court dates or violates any conditions of his bail, you could forfeit this money. Additionally, if your brother has warrants or charges in multiple counties, you may need to pay separate bail amounts for each jurisdiction, increasing the financial burden.

Before making any decisions, it is crucial to assess your financial situation and carefully consider whether you can afford to lose the bail money if your brother does not comply with the court's requirements. You should also be aware that bailing your brother out may not directly address his underlying issues with alcoholism. Enabling his behaviour could potentially delay his recovery and lead to further legal and financial troubles in the future.

Safety concerns

If your alcoholic brother has been arrested for driving under the influence, it is important to consider the safety of others if he is released. Alcoholics may struggle to control their impulses and could reoffend, putting themselves and others at risk. In this case, it may be safer for your brother to remain in jail, where he will be unable to drive and harm others.

Additionally, if your brother has a history of violence or has violated a restraining order, as is the case with the story of one user whose brother assaulted his ex-girlfriend, bailing him out could put the victim at risk. The victim took out the restraining order because she was afraid of your brother, and he violated it to make her more afraid. In this case, bailing him out would enable his abusive behaviour and put the victim in danger.

It is also important to consider your brother's safety. Jails have an extremely high mortality rate, and for every 12 months someone is incarcerated, their life expectancy drops by 2 years. Therefore, if your brother is at risk of self-harm or has a history of mental health issues, it may be safer to bail him out and ensure he receives the support and treatment he needs.

Furthermore, if your brother has a history of addiction, bailing him out could enable his addictive behaviour and put him at risk of relapse. In this case, it may be safer for him to remain in jail, where he will have no access to drugs or alcohol and can receive treatment if it is available.

Finally, you must also consider your own safety. If your brother has a history of violence or has harmed others in the past, bailing him out could put yourself and your family at risk. In this case, it may be safer for everyone if he remains in jail, where he can receive any necessary treatment and learn to take responsibility for his actions.

Addiction and manipulation

Addiction manipulates the brain, causing changes that result in people acting in ways they might not have considered before developing an addiction. This includes lying and manipulation, which are common threads in nearly all addictions.

People with addictions may try to control the people around them to compensate for the loss of control associated with addiction. They may also use manipulation tactics such as asking for money or other favors without disclosing that the money is going towards their addiction. They may also cause fights as a distraction from discussions about their addiction, or to avoid addressing the root problem of substance abuse.

Addicts are often highly convincing because they believe their own story. Their distorted perception of reality leads them to instinctively manipulate, and they are often so sincere, honest, and believable that they could pass a polygraph test.

Four common building blocks of manipulation tactics used by addicts are guilt, hope, fear, and victimhood. They may inflict emotional pain on those they feel have caused their pain, and use the victim strategy to blame someone or something else for their problems. For example, they may say, "I have tried to get a job, and nobody will hire me. It's all my ex-wife's fault."

They may also use guilt to manipulate loved ones into submission, for example, by saying, "So, you're not going to help me? Then if I die or go to jail, it is your fault. You don't love me anymore." They may also sell hope by promising that this will be the last time they ask for something or that they will change. For example, they may say, "I promise if you just give me money this one last time, I won't ask you again, or I will look at rehabs tomorrow."

Fear is another tactic used to guilt or shame loved ones into helping, with statements like, "So, you're just going to let me die or go to jail then? You will never see me again." Families often fear that without their love, support, and enabling, their loved one would be worse off.

In the context of bailing an alcoholic brother out of jail, it is important to consider the potential for manipulation and the impact on your life and plans. Bailing someone out can be costly, and you may be responsible for additional costs if they skip court dates or leave. It is also essential to consider the consequences of their actions and whether allowing them to face these consequences could be a form of help.

Some people shared their experiences on Reddit, with one user stating that they did not bail their brother out because they did not want him driving on the same roads as them due to his history of drunk driving. Another user, a recovering addict and alcoholic, advised against helping an addict or alcoholic in any way, suggesting that allowing them to face the consequences of their actions is a form of help.

Supporting an incarcerated loved one

Offer Emotional Support

Being available and willing to listen can be incredibly valuable for your loved one. It is important to stay in touch and maintain communication through letters, phone calls, cards, or care packages. If possible, consider visiting your loved one in person. This can provide moral support and help reduce their feelings of isolation.

Provide Financial Assistance

Money is often a concern for incarcerated individuals, as they may struggle to financially support themselves while in prison. Offering financial assistance can help alleviate some of their worries, allowing them to focus on their well-being and future plans.

Utilize Outside Resources

Research non-profit organizations and local prison groups that can provide additional support to incarcerated individuals. These resources can offer solutions to specific challenges, such as legal aid or educational programs. Stay informed about changes in the legal system to better understand your loved one's situation and potential opportunities for parole or release.

Advocate for Your Loved One

Speak to parole boards or write letters to judges if you believe your loved one's sentence is unjust. You can argue for leniency or release, especially if there are mitigating circumstances or if the sentence does not fit the crime. Additionally, advocate for your loved one's rights and fair treatment within the prison system.

Help with Reentry and Rehabilitation

Incarceration can be a time for self-reflection and becoming more self-aware. Encourage your loved one to engage in courses or programs that can help them understand the causes of their incarceration and develop strategies for a successful future. Support them in rebuilding their lives and offer guidance or resources to foster positive change.

Take Care of Your Own Well-being

Remember that everyone deserves a chance at redemption and becoming a productive member of society. Your support can make a significant difference in your loved one's life and help them turn their life around.

Frequently asked questions