Mason Delacroix
Alcoholism can have a significant impact on children, who may experience a range of cognitive, behavioural, psychosocial, and emotional consequences as a result of living with a parent or caregiver struggling with alcohol use disorder (AUD). It is natural for parents with AUD to want to make amends with their children. The Twelve Step recovery process, including Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), provides a framework for recognizing and addressing the harm caused to others during active addiction. This involves making a list of those harmed, becoming willing to make amends, and then taking consistent action to repair the damage caused, demonstrating changed behaviours, and living by one's principles. When making amends with children, it is important to meet them where they are in their lives and to be patient, as the process of rebuilding trust and healing can take time and may not always go as expected.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Recognize the harm caused to children due to alcohol abuse | N/A |
| Understand the unique impact on each child based on their age and life stage | N/A |
| Be patient and accept that forgiveness may take time | N/A |
| Seek professional help and support, e.g., Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation, Alateen | Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation, Alateen |
| Explain alcoholism and its impact using resources like "The 7 Cs" | "The 7 Cs" |
| Address specific cognitive, behavioral, psychosocial, and emotional consequences | N/A |
| Encourage open communication and expression of feelings | N/A |
| Make direct amends by taking ownership, apologizing, and repairing the harm | N/A |
| Demonstrate changed behaviors and a new way of life in recovery | N/A |
| Be consistent in your amends and avoid repeating past mistakes | N/A |
| Be honest and self-aware about your behavior and its impact | N/A |
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What You'll Learn
- Be patient and understand that forgiveness may not come immediately
- Explain alcoholism to children using The 7 Cs
- Understand the negative consequences that children can experience when living with an alcoholic parent
- Recognise how your behaviour has harmed your children
- Take ownership and repair the damage by taking action
Be patient and understand that forgiveness may not come immediately
When making amends with your children for your past behaviour due to alcoholism, it is important to remember that forgiveness may not come immediately. Children who have grown up with an alcoholic parent can experience a wide range of cognitive, behavioural, psychosocial, and emotional consequences. They may have been exposed to chaos, uncertainty, emotional and/or physical neglect, instability, and arguments. As a result, they may have developed anxiety, depression, antisocial behaviour, relationship difficulties, and other behavioural issues.
Additionally, children of alcoholics are more likely to engage in alcohol or substance misuse themselves. They may also be four times more likely to develop an alcohol use disorder (AUD) and are more likely to start using substances earlier and increase their rates of use faster. Given these potential consequences, it is understandable that your children may need time to process and heal from their experiences before they are ready to forgive you.
It is crucial to recognize that the amends process is not just about you and your need for forgiveness, but about your children and what they need to heal. This may vary depending on their age and where they are in their lives. For example, younger children will need a different approach than older children or adult children.
During this process, it is important to be patient and respect your children's emotions and their timeline for healing. They may have been hurt and let down by your past promises to change. By giving them the space to process and not rushing them, you demonstrate your commitment to their well-being and the sincerity of your amends. Remember that recovery is a process, and it takes time to rebuild trust and repair relationships.
While you cannot control whether your children will forgive you, you can control your actions and commitment to your recovery and amends process. Focus on demonstrating changed behaviours and living by your principles to show that your amends are more than just words.
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Explain alcoholism to children using The 7 Cs
Alcoholism is a complex issue that can be challenging to explain to children, but it is important to have open and honest conversations to help them understand and address any confusion or feelings of responsibility they may have. The 7 Cs of Addiction, developed by the National Association for Children of Alcoholics, is a framework that can guide these discussions and provide children with essential knowledge and coping strategies. Here is an explanation of the 7 Cs to help you have these conversations with your children:
- I didn't cause it: Children often feel responsible for their parent's drinking or substance abuse. They may think that their actions or behaviours contributed to the problem. It is crucial to emphasize that your alcoholism is not their fault and that they did not cause it. Help them understand that your drinking is due to a disease and decisions that you make, which are beyond their control.
- I can't cure it: While your children may wish for your alcoholism to end, it is important for them to know that they cannot cure it. Alcoholism is a complex disease that requires professional help and a commitment to recovery. Explain to them that you are seeking or plan to seek treatment and support to address your drinking problem.
- I can't control it: Children may believe that if they behave differently, your drinking will stop. Help them understand that they cannot control your drinking or substance abuse. Emphasize that your behaviour is not their responsibility and that they should not feel guilty or burdened by it.
- I can care for myself: Encourage your children to prioritize their own well-being. Teach them about self-care and healthy coping mechanisms, such as communicating their feelings, making healthy choices, and celebrating themselves and their accomplishments. Reassure them that they can still have a positive outlook and take care of themselves despite the challenges posed by your alcoholism.
- I can communicate: Open and honest communication is essential. Encourage your children to express their feelings, ask questions, and share their concerns. Let them know that it is safe to talk about the problem and that they can reach out to trusted adults, counsellors, or support groups like Alateen for help and emotional support.
- I can make healthy choices: Help your children understand the importance of making healthy choices, especially when faced with challenging circumstances. Teach them about the potential risks and consequences of substance abuse and how these choices can impact their lives. Encourage them to make positive decisions that promote their well-being and a healthy lifestyle.
- I can celebrate me: It is important for children in these circumstances to maintain a positive sense of self-worth. Encourage them to celebrate their accomplishments, strengths, and unique qualities. Help them develop a strong sense of self-esteem and self-celebration, despite the challenges they may face due to your alcoholism.
Remember to adapt these conversations to an age-appropriate level. For younger children, emphasize safety and create a space for them to share their feelings and fears. For older children who are not yet teenagers, focus on direct honesty and explaining the facts without turning the conversation into a lecture about substance abuse. Be patient and understanding throughout these discussions, and remember that your children's emotions and reactions may differ from what you expect.
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Understand the negative consequences that children can experience when living with an alcoholic parent
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) can have a profound impact on the lives of those closest to the user, including children. The negative consequences that children can experience when living with an alcoholic parent can last into adulthood and affect their mental health, relationships, careers, and overall well-being and functioning.
Children of alcoholic parents often experience chaos, uncertainty, disorganisation, emotional and/or physical neglect, instability, and arguments. As a result, they may exhibit anxiety, depression, antisocial behaviour, relationship difficulties, and other behavioural issues. They are also at an increased risk of developing an AUD themselves, with children of alcoholic parents being four times more likely to engage in excessive drinking.
The instability and unpredictability in alcoholic households can make children feel vulnerable and helpless, leading to an unhealthy focus on having control over their lives, situations, or the behaviours of those around them. This intense need for control can create problems in forming and maintaining intimate relationships. Children may also learn to hide their emotions as a defence mechanism, negatively impacting their ability to express emotions and cope with stress.
Additionally, children of alcoholic parents may struggle with low self-esteem, guilt, distrust, shame, and insecurity. They may also have difficulties establishing trusting, healthy relationships and experience problems with communication. The effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent can be long-lasting, and many adult children of alcoholics continue to struggle with these issues well into adulthood.
It is important to recognise these potential consequences and seek support for both the parent and the child to mitigate the negative impacts and promote healing and recovery.
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Recognise how your behaviour has harmed your children
Recognising how your behaviour has harmed your children is a crucial step in making amends. Alcoholism can cause a wide range of cognitive, behavioural, psychosocial, and emotional consequences for children, and it is important to understand the extent of this harm. Children of alcoholic parents can experience chaos, uncertainty, emotional and/or physical neglect, instability, exposure to arguments and marital problems. As a result, they may develop anxiety, depression, antisocial behaviour, relationship difficulties, and other behavioural issues. They are also more likely to develop an alcohol use disorder themselves.
When making amends, it is important to be honest with yourself and recognise the specific ways in which your addiction has affected your children. This involves taking a fearless moral inventory of your actions and their consequences. Ask yourself how your addiction has impacted your children's lives and what specific actions or behaviours may have hurt them. It is important to write these down and be willing to address them.
The amends you make should be tailored to your children's needs, which may differ depending on their age and life stage. For example, younger children may need help understanding addiction and its impact, while older children may have more specific concerns or grievances related to your behaviour. It is important to meet your children where they are and have conversations that are appropriate for their level of understanding.
Making amends is not just about apologising but also about repairing the damage caused by your actions. This may involve taking concrete actions to address the harm your children have experienced. For example, if your drinking has caused financial instability in your family, you might make amends by seeking financial counselling or creating a more stable home environment. If your children have experienced neglect, you can make amends by being more present and available in their lives, consistently demonstrating your commitment to them.
It is important to remember that making amends is a process and may take time. Your children may not be ready to forgive you immediately, and that is okay. Focus on demonstrating changed behaviour and living by your principles rather than seeking immediate forgiveness. Be patient and consistent in your efforts to repair the relationship and allow your children to heal at their own pace.
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Take ownership and repair the damage by taking action
Making amends with children of any age can be stressful in early sobriety. The conversation will play out differently based on the child's age. For instance, the National Association for Children of Addiction recommends teaching younger children specific phrases to help them understand their role in addiction—or, more specifically, the lack thereof. These phrases include:
> I didn't cause it. I can't cure it. I can't control it. I can help take care of myself by communicating my feelings, making healthy choices, and celebrating me.
The amends your children need depend on where they are in their lives. For instance, children in the home of a parent with an alcohol problem can experience a wide range of cognitive, behavioural, psychosocial, and emotional consequences. They may exhibit anxiety, depression, antisocial behaviour, relationship difficulties, and behavioural issues. Older children, on the other hand, may be more likely to forgive if they understand that you are committed to recovery.
To take ownership and repair the damage by taking action, you must first recognise how your behaviour has harmed others. Make a list of all the people your addiction has affected and think about how your relationships have changed. Then, ask yourself how addiction has affected the current state of your relationships. It is important to be honest with yourself and not get stuck in shame or guilt.
Once you have made this list, you can start to repair your relationships. This may involve meeting with your loved ones face-to-face and admitting that you were wrong. Then, take action to repair the damage you caused. For example, if you punched a hole in a friend's wall while under the influence of alcohol, repair the hole in the wall. It is important to demonstrate consistency by not making the same mistake again. Show sincerity by being respectful, honest, and empathetic.
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Frequently asked questions
The first step is to make a list of all the people your addiction has affected, including your children. Then, you must take ownership of the harm you caused and repair any damage through actions, not just words.
Face-to-face conversations are the best way to make amends. Be honest about your wrongdoing and ask your children what you can do to remedy the situation and what would need to happen for them to feel better.
The National Association for Children of Addiction recommends using "The 7 Cs" to help children understand their role in addiction—or, more specifically, the lack thereof. These C-centric phrases include: "I didn't cause. I can't cure. I can't control. I can help take care of myself by communicating my feelings, making healthy choices, and celebrating me."
Children in the home with a parent or primary caregiver who has an alcohol problem can experience a wide range of cognitive, behavioral, psychosocial, and emotional consequences. These children are regularly exposed to chaos, uncertainty, disorganization, emotional and/or physical neglect, instability, and more. As a result, they may experience anxiety, depression, antisocial behavior, relationship difficulties, and behavioral issues.
You can express your concerns directly and focus on concrete, observable behaviors and consequences. Listen to their thoughts and concerns without interrupting and let them know that you are willing to assist them in seeking help. Be patient and don't give up hope.
