Mason Delacroix
Living with an alcoholic spouse can be challenging and overwhelming. It can impact your physical and emotional well-being, causing stress, worry, and even enabling behaviour. It is important to remember that you are not the cause of your spouse's drinking and that you cannot control or cure it. However, you can provide information and support to help them seek recovery. Educating yourself about substance use disorders can help you develop empathy and realistic expectations. Open and honest communication is key, and it is important to choose a calm and private moment when your spouse is sober. If your spouse is not ready for change, it may be time to prioritize your well-being and consider leaving the relationship. This decision is deeply personal and should be made carefully, especially if you feel unsafe.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Feelings | Self-blame, stress, worry, exhaustion, and overwhelm |
| Behaviours | Attempts to control their drinking, making excuses for them, neglecting responsibilities, and enabling behaviour |
| Challenges | Financial, practical, emotional, and physical |
| Actions | Educate yourself about substance use disorders, set boundaries, seek support, practice self-care, and consider professional intervention |
| Communication | Open and honest conversations, expressing concerns in a respectful and non-judgmental tone, sharing genuine concern for their well-being |
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What You'll Learn
Recognise signs of alcohol addiction
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic medical condition characterised by an inability to stop or control drinking despite health, social, or professional consequences. People with this condition can't stop drinking, even if their alcohol use upends their lives and the lives of those around them. If your husband is struggling with AUD, there are some common behaviours and signs of addiction to look out for.
Firstly, people with AUD often experience a strong craving for alcoholic beverages and spend a lot of time obtaining, consuming, and recovering from drinking. They may also drink more than intended or for longer than intended and have a high tolerance for alcohol. Additionally, they may repeatedly try to reduce their drinking but fail to meet their obligations due to their drinking habits. They may also give up important social, work, or recreational activities in favour of drinking, and they may use alcohol in physically hazardous situations, such as driving.
Another sign of AUD is that drinking continues despite causing problems at work or home and negatively impacting relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. This can lead to financial difficulties and frequent conflict within the relationship. Alcohol addiction can also increase the risk of domestic violence, as research shows that alcohol-dependent husbands are more likely to perpetrate violence against their wives.
If you recognise these signs in your husband, it's important to understand that you are not the cause of their drinking, nor can you control or cure it. However, you can provide information and support to encourage your husband to seek recovery. Educating yourself about AUD, including diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options, can help you approach the situation with empathy and provide valuable information to your husband. It is recommended to wait until they are sober and then calmly discuss your concerns, providing facts about the impact of alcohol and the various treatment options available.
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Understand you can't cure them
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic medical condition characterized by an inability to stop or control drinking despite health, social, or professional consequences. It is not your fault, nor can you control or cure your husband's drinking.
People with AUD can't stop drinking, even if their alcohol use upends their lives and the lives of those around them. AUD can be mild, moderate, or severe. Treatment options include medication, behavioral therapy, and support groups. While people with this condition may start drinking again, studies show that with treatment, most people are able to reduce how much they drink or stop drinking entirely.
It's important to understand that you are not the cause of your husband's substance abuse issues. However, there are ways you can contribute positively to his recovery and your own healing. Educate yourself about substance use disorders, including diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. This knowledge can provide you with empathy for your husband's experience and solid data to aid discussions and decisions.
Consider practicing the art of actively releasing control over your husband's alcohol use. Rather than obsessively monitoring his drinking behavior, keeping constant tabs on his whereabouts, attempting to discard their alcohol, lecturing him, forbidding him from drinking, or pleading with him to stop, recognize that he alone is responsible for how he handles his emotions and his recovery.
Remember that changing long-standing patterns is hard, takes time, and requires repeated efforts. There will be setbacks along the way, but it's important to be patient and supportive. As your husband makes an effort, acknowledge his successes and continue to encourage him on his recovery journey.
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Learn about addiction as a disease
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic medical condition characterised by an inability to stop or control drinking despite health, social, or professional consequences. Addiction is a disease and a chronic condition that can affect many aspects of life, including physical and mental health, relationships, and career. It is a treatable, lifelong condition that involves the compulsive seeking and taking of a substance or the performance of an activity despite negative or harmful consequences.
Healthcare providers and the medical community refer to substance addiction as substance use disorder. The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) has concrete diagnostic criteria for substance use disorders. Addiction is a chronic brain disorder that changes the way the brain works by rewiring its structure. Drugs and alcohol interfere with how nerve cells in the brain send, receive, and process information. As a result, areas of the brain in charge of judgment, decision-making, learning, memory, and controlling behaviour are altered.
The risk of substance use increases during times of stress and change. It is important to turn to healthy coping mechanisms during these times, such as exercising, meditating, or learning a new hobby. If you are experiencing issues managing your stress, it may be helpful to see a mental health professional.
If your partner is struggling with an alcohol use disorder, there are actions you can take to help both yourself and your partner through the recovery process. Educate yourself about substance use disorders, including diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. This knowledge can provide you with empathy for your partner's experience and solid data to aid discussions and decisions. It is important to remember that you are not the cause nor the cure of your partner's substance abuse issues.
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Set boundaries
Setting boundaries is an important part of dealing with an alcoholic husband. Firstly, it's crucial to understand that you are not the cause of your husband's drinking, nor can you control or cure it. This is a common feeling among spouses of alcoholics, but it's important to recognise that your husband is responsible for his actions and recovery.
Boundaries can be a useful way to manage your husband's addiction while preserving your own wellbeing. These boundaries should be tailored to your specific situation, but some examples include:
- No alcohol in the house.
- No driving under the influence, especially with children in the car.
- Limiting the time spent dealing with your husband's needs, ensuring you have time for self-care and other responsibilities.
- Not enabling your husband's drinking by making excuses for him, such as calling his workplace when he's intoxicated.
- Not bailing him out of legal trouble caused by drinking, such as a DUI.
It's important to communicate these boundaries clearly and respectfully to your husband. You should also be prepared to enforce them, which may involve removing yourself from certain situations or taking steps to protect yourself and your children if your husband violates these boundaries.
Remember, your role is not to "fix" your husband's addiction, but to support him in obtaining professional care and treatment. These boundaries can help create a framework for you to manage your own life while encouraging your husband to seek the help he needs.
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Seek professional help
Living with a spouse with an alcohol use disorder (AUD) can be incredibly challenging and emotionally taxing. It can impact your physical and mental health, and the stress and strain of the situation can manifest in insomnia, headaches, digestive issues, and heightened levels of anxiety or depression. It is important to remember that you did not cause your spouse's drinking, and you cannot control or cure it.
If you are experiencing these challenges, seeking professional help can be a crucial step in supporting your partner's recovery journey and managing the emotional toll it may take on you. Here are some ways to seek professional help:
- Educate yourself: Understand the nature of substance use disorders, including the diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. This knowledge will provide you with empathy for your partner's experience and solid data to guide your discussions and decisions.
- Reach out to helplines: Contact dedicated helplines such as SAMHSA's National Helpline (1-800-662-HELP or TTY: 1-800-487-4889). These services provide confidential, free support and information in multiple languages. They can offer referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.
- Seek therapy or counselling: Prioritize your own self-care and well-being by seeking individual therapy or counselling. This can help you process the emotional, psychological, and social impacts of living with an alcoholic spouse. Additionally, consider couples therapy or family therapy to address the relationship dynamics and patterns influenced by your spouse's drinking.
- Join support groups: Connect with peer support groups such as Al-Anon, specifically designed to help families of people struggling with alcohol abuse. These groups provide valuable coping skills, detachment techniques, and a network of support from individuals facing similar challenges.
- Prioritize self-care: Nurture your physical and emotional well-being through self-care practices such as exercise, hobbies, and spending time with supportive friends or family members. This can help you maintain your resilience and stability during this challenging journey.
- Navigate communication with empathy: Educate yourself about effective communication strategies to approach conversations with your spouse with empathy and compassion. Understand the difference between alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence to clarify your understanding of problematic drinking behaviours.
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Frequently asked questions
Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) is a chronic medical condition characterised by an inability to stop or control drinking despite health, social, or professional consequences. If your husband is unable to reduce his drinking, continues to drink despite causing problems at work or home, and drinks even when it's dangerous, these are signs that he may be an alcoholic.
Recognise that you are not the cause of nor the solution to your husband's drinking problem. You can, however, support him in his recovery by educating yourself about AUD, setting boundaries, and encouraging him to seek professional help.
It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your concerns when he is sober. Express how his drinking has affected you and your relationship and that you are seeking a healthier future for yourself. Offer him support and encourage him to seek professional help, but also recognise that recovery is a choice that he needs to make for himself.
