Noah Vinter
Enabling an alcoholic means doing things for them that they could and would do for themselves if they were sober. It is different from helping, which involves doing something that the person could not or would not do for themselves. Enabling an alcoholic can delay their decision to get help by protecting them from the consequences of their actions. Family members often enable their loved ones because it puts their mind at ease, but this can backfire. Signs that you are enabling an alcoholic include giving them financial help, covering for them, making excuses for their behaviour, and taking over their responsibilities.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Protecting the alcoholic from consequences | Enabling |
| Providing financial help | Enabling |
| Covering for them or making excuses | Enabling |
| Taking over their responsibilities | Enabling |
| Paying their bills | Enabling |
| Providing food and a place to live | Enabling |
| Bailing them out of jail | Enabling |
| Putting your life/goals on hold | Enabling |
| Ignoring their behaviour | Enabling |
| Not enforcing boundaries | Enabling |
| Not holding them accountable | Enabling |
| Not seeking support | Enabling |
| Not encouraging treatment | Enabling |
| Not talking about their behaviour | Enabling |
| Not learning about addiction | Enabling |
| Not following through on consequences | Enabling |
| Not attending support meetings | Enabling |
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What You'll Learn
You provide financial support
Providing financial support to a loved one who is struggling with alcohol misuse can be a tricky situation. While it may seem like a helpful thing to do, it can often enable them to continue their harmful behaviour. Enabling an alcoholic means doing things for them that they would typically do for themselves if they were sober. This could include paying their bills, providing them with food and a place to live, or giving them money. By doing these things, you are creating a "safety net" that allows them to avoid facing the consequences of their actions. For example, if they lose their job or miss work due to their drinking, your financial support may allow them to continue their alcohol misuse without experiencing any negative repercussions.
It is important to understand that enabling is different from helping. Helping someone with an alcohol use disorder involves doing something that they could not or would not do for themselves while sober. For instance, giving them a ride to an AA meeting or a job interview is considered helping rather than enabling.
If you are concerned that your financial support may be enabling, it is crucial to establish clear boundaries and enforce consequences consistently. Refrain from covering up for the person or making excuses for their behaviour. Instead, hold them accountable for their actions and encourage them to seek professional help or attend support groups. Remember, your loved one may need to reach a low point before they are willing to accept help and begin their recovery journey.
It is also essential to prioritise your own well-being during this challenging time. Do not neglect your self-care, health needs, or personal goals. Consider seeking support for yourself by reaching out to therapists, counselors, or support groups like Al-Anon, which specifically helps loved ones of people with alcohol use disorders. By taking care of yourself, you will be in a better position to support your loved one effectively without enabling their addiction.
Lastly, remember that you cannot control your loved one's behaviour or force them into recovery. While it may be difficult, allowing them to face the natural consequences of their actions can be a powerful catalyst for change. By detaching with love, you can show that you care while also empowering them to take responsibility for their recovery journey.
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You make excuses for their behaviour
Making excuses for an alcoholic loved one's behaviour is a common way that people enable them to continue their addiction. This often comes from a good place, as you want to protect your loved one and believe you are helping them meet basic needs. However, it is important to remember that enabling is not helping.
When you make excuses for an alcoholic's behaviour, you are shielding them from the consequences of their actions. This can delay their decision to get help and allow their addiction to continue. For example, if they are arrested for drunk driving, you might feel tempted to keep it a secret to avoid family conflict or because you feel partially responsible. But by doing so, you are preventing them from facing the reality of their addiction and potentially hitting "rock bottom", which could be the catalyst for them to seek help.
Enabling can also take the form of financial support, such as paying their bills, expenses, or fines, or giving them money. This creates a "safety net" that allows them to continue their alcohol misuse without facing any real consequences. Similarly, if you let them live with you rent-free, they may never reach the point of having to choose between their addiction and a place to live.
Enabling behaviours often stem from a desire to control the situation and get the person "back to normal". However, it is important to recognise that you cannot force someone into recovery. By trying to control their behaviour, you are taking away their responsibility for their actions and delaying their recovery.
To break the cycle of enabling, it is crucial to establish clear boundaries and enforce consequences when those boundaries are violated. This can be challenging, as you may fear that your loved one will react poorly or feel attacked. However, by holding them accountable for their actions, you are empowering them to take responsibility for their recovery and make a lasting change.
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You cover for them
Covering for an alcoholic loved one is a form of enabling. Enabling is different from helping. Helping is doing something that the person could not or would not do for themselves if they were sober. Enabling means doing things for a person who is misusing alcohol that they could and would do for themselves if they were sober.
Covering for an alcoholic loved one means making excuses for their addiction or blaming others for their behaviour. For example, you might say things like, "His new boss has really been hard on him," or "She took the stress of the pandemic really badly." You might also bail them out of jail, pay their fines or legal fees, or give them money out of fear that they will resort to illegal or dangerous means of getting money.
Enabling an alcoholic loved one can actually make the situation worse by keeping them from hitting rock bottom and seeking help. It can also delay their decision to get help because you are protecting them from the consequences of their actions.
If you are enabling, you may feel tempted to keep secrets in order to keep the peace. However, your silence may keep their addiction going. It is important to talk to family members or loved ones about your concerns and consider attending a support group like Al-Anon.
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You put your life on hold
Living with or being in a relationship with an alcoholic can be emotionally and physically draining. Alcohol addiction can bring broken promises, strained relationships, and financial challenges. It can feel like their struggles have taken over your life, leaving you in the constant role of trying to "fix" things. It is important to remember that you are not the cause of your partner's drinking, and you cannot control or cure it.
If you are putting your life on hold, it may be because you are afraid of living without your partner or subjecting your children to their parents' separation. You might be worried about your partner's health and future, as well as feeling sad and angry about the situation. You might also be picking up more of the responsibilities in your household.
However, staying in an unhealthy relationship that makes you unhappy or puts you in danger is not good for you or your children. Alcohol abuse often intersects with intimate partner violence, and it is important to protect your well-being and that of your children.
Remember that you cannot force your partner into treatment, but you can support them by guiding them toward the help they need. Educate yourself about substance use disorders, including diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. This knowledge can help you manage your expectations and have more informed conversations with your partner about their drinking. You can also encourage your partner to speak to a healthcare provider, who can help craft a treatment plan.
It is also important to set boundaries and take care of yourself. You might consider seeking support from family, friends, or mutual-help groups. If you are experiencing mental health symptoms, talk to a professional who can help.
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You feel helpless
Feeling helpless is a common emotion when dealing with a loved one's alcohol misuse. It is important to recognise this feeling and understand that you are not alone in experiencing it. Many people feel helpless when they see a loved one struggling with alcohol use disorder (AUD) and want to help, but it is essential to distinguish between helping and enabling. Enabling an alcoholic means doing things for them that they could and would do for themselves if they were sober. This can include providing financial support, covering for them, making excuses for their behaviour, or taking over their responsibilities. While these actions may be well-intentioned, they can ultimately delay the person from facing the consequences of their actions and seeking help.
It is important to establish clear boundaries and communicate your expectations to your loved one. Outline the behaviours you consider acceptable and the consequences that will occur if those boundaries are violated. While it may be challenging, it is crucial to remain consistent in enforcing these boundaries. Remember that you cannot control your loved one's actions, but you can control your behaviours and reactions towards them. Focus on empowering yourself and your loved one by encouraging them to seek professional help and supporting their long-term recovery and well-being.
Al-Anon is an organisation that provides support to loved ones of people with AUD. They promote the concept of "detachment with love," which involves caring enough to allow the person to learn from their mistakes and make their own decisions without attempting to control them. While it can be difficult to break the cycle of enabling, seeking support for yourself and attending support groups can provide guidance and help you navigate this challenging situation.
Remember, feeling helpless is a common emotion, but you have the power to make a positive impact by encouraging your loved one to seek help and supporting their recovery while also setting healthy boundaries and prioritising your well-being.
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Frequently asked questions
Enabling an alcoholic means doing things for them that they could and would do for themselves if they were sober. You may be enabling an alcoholic if you are protecting them from the consequences of their actions, such as by giving them financial help, covering for them, making excuses for their behaviour, or taking over their responsibilities.
You might be enabling an alcoholic if you are putting your own life on hold or neglecting your own self-care to focus on them. Other signs include feeling helpless about the situation, becoming isolated from friends and family, and not keeping up with your own health needs.
Instead of enabling, you can help an alcoholic by encouraging them to seek professional treatment and supporting them in their recovery journey. It's important to establish clear boundaries and hold them accountable for their actions. You can also seek support for yourself by joining a support group or reaching out to a therapist or counsellor.
