Noah Vinter
Alcohol problems and addictions are called substance use disorders, and they can be harmful to a person's health and change the way they act. It is not easy living with someone who has a substance use problem, especially if it's a parent. Children often have a lot of questions and fears when a parent drinks too much alcohol, and they need some explanation and support to understand drinking problems. It is important to be honest with your child and assure them that they are not the cause of your drinking. It is also important to remember that confrontations are not always the best way of helping. Try to remember that you’re coming from a place of love and concern, and that’s the best way to encourage your child to start the healing process.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Be honest and direct | Avoid beating around the bush, focus on concrete, observable behaviours and consequences |
| Be empathetic | Use "I" statements, e.g. "I understand that you are struggling, but I am concerned about you" |
| Provide reassurance | Assure your child that they are not to blame for your drinking |
| Encourage open communication | Let your child know it's okay to talk about their feelings and concerns |
| Offer treatment options | Research rehab options, including detox, inpatient and outpatient rehab |
| Seek professional help | Consult psychologists, therapists or support groups |
| Involve your child | Ask them what they know and fill in the gaps with age-appropriate information |
| Be consistent | Ensure your child receives clear and consistent messages from all adults involved |
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What You'll Learn
Be honest and direct, but empathetic
Being honest and direct with your child about your alcoholism is crucial, but it's also essential to approach the conversation with empathy. Here are some steps to help guide you through this challenging discussion:
Choose an Appropriate Time and Place
Select a time when you and your child are unlikely to be interrupted and are both in a calm state of mind. This conversation may be emotionally charged, so ensure you are in a private and comfortable setting where you can speak openly and your child feels safe to express their emotions.
Prepare What You Want to Say
Before the conversation, take time to organize your thoughts and feelings. Write down your concerns and the key messages you want to convey. It can be helpful to refer to these notes during the discussion to stay on track. Remember to use "I" statements, such as, "I want to talk to you about my drinking because I care about our family and our health."
Be Honest and Direct
During the conversation, it's essential to be honest and direct. Avoid sugarcoating or minimizing the issue. Be clear that you have an alcohol problem and that you are taking steps to address it. For example, you could say, "I have a disease called alcoholism, which means I can't control my drinking. I'm getting help to stop drinking and make positive changes."
Address Their Concerns and Questions
Encourage your child to ask questions and express their concerns. Listen attentively and validate their feelings. It's crucial to assure them that they are not responsible for your drinking and that it's not their job to fix it. Let them know that this is your issue to address, and you are taking responsibility for it.
Provide Age-Appropriate Information
The level of detail you share and the language you use should be adjusted according to your child's age and maturity. Younger children may need simpler explanations, while teenagers may benefit from more detailed information about alcoholism as a disease and the impact it has on the brain and behaviour.
Offer Reassurance and Support
Let your child know that you are seeking help and that there are people and resources available to support both of you. Reassure them that they are not alone and that it's okay to seek support from trusted adults, school counsellors, or youth support groups.
Remember, this conversation may be challenging, but it can also be an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your child and lay the foundation for a supportive and honest dynamic moving forward.
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Explain it's not their fault
Alcoholism can have a severe impact on a child's life. Children of alcoholic parents are four times as likely to engage in excessive drinking at some point in their lives. They may also experience mental, emotional, and behavioural issues, such as depression, low self-esteem, social phobia, and delinquent behaviour. Children may also feel ashamed and guilty, blaming themselves for their parent's drinking. They may feel that they cannot talk about the situation and that they need to keep it a secret.
It is important to explain to children that their parent's alcoholism is not their fault. They did not cause it, and it is not their job to fix it. Children should be encouraged to talk about their feelings and understand that they are not alone in this situation. It is crucial to approach this conversation from the context that alcoholism is a disease and that the person is unwell. Reinforce that the child is not responsible for the addiction and that they cannot do anything to stop it. Make sure to emphasise safety and give the child an opportunity to share their feelings and fears.
For younger children, you may want to explain that their parent is sick and is going away to get better. For children over ten, the conversation should focus on direct honesty and explaining the facts of the situation. It is important to be aware of the child's age and adapt the conversation accordingly.
There are several resources available to support children and families coping with alcoholism. The National Association for Children of Addiction has developed the "7 Cs" as important talking points:
- I didn't cause it.
- I can't cure it.
- I can't control it.
- I can take care of myself by communicating my feelings.
- I will make healthy choices.
- I can celebrate myself.
- It's important to communicate my feelings.
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Outline the negative consequences
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) can have a profound impact on the lives of children of affected parents, and these effects can persist into adulthood. Children of parents with AUD may develop a "nothing matters" attitude, exhibiting a sloppy appearance, a lack of involvement in former interests, and low energy. They may also experience physical and mental health problems, including memory lapses, poor concentration, bloodshot eyes, lack of coordination, and slurred speech.
When a parent is preoccupied with maintaining their alcohol dependency, they often fail to meet their child's basic needs, including nutrition, safety, education, structure, consistency, affection, and healthcare. This can lead to an unpredictable and unreliable environment, causing children to feel unsafe and trapped in their own homes. They may witness the negative effects of alcohol on relationships, be exposed to violence, and experience uncertainty about their next meal. Consequently, children may internalize their parent's addiction as their fault, leading to feelings of shame and unworthiness.
Children with alcoholic parents are four times more likely to engage in excessive drinking themselves at some point in their lives. They may also develop long-term emotional and behavioral issues, including trust issues, low self-esteem, and a negative self-image. They may struggle with romantic relationships or avoid getting close to others due to fear of angry people. Additionally, they may isolate themselves socially, finding it difficult to make friends and connect with others.
The impact of a parent's AUD can extend beyond the immediate family unit, affecting siblings, spouses, and extended family members. Children often have many questions and fears when a parent drinks too much, and if they don't have answers, they may come up with their own incorrect and scary explanations. They may worry about getting their parent in trouble or getting into trouble themselves, and they may feel embarrassed by what is happening at home.
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Discuss treatment options
If your child is an alcoholic, there are a variety of treatment options available. These include:
- Detox: This involves helping your child safely undergo alcohol withdrawal and preparing them for further treatment.
- Inpatient rehab: Your child will live onsite and receive 24/7 care, support, and treatment.
- Outpatient rehab: Your child will continue to live at home but travel to rehab on a set schedule for treatment.
The most suitable setting for your child will depend on various factors, such as the severity of their alcohol use, their overall health, the support system they have at home, and their insurance coverage. Treatment should be tailored to their individual needs. Regardless of the setting, your child will likely receive counselling, different therapies, and possibly medications to aid their recovery.
If your child refuses treatment, you could try the CRAFT approach, a type of time-limited behavioural therapy designed to support family members and increase the likelihood of the affected person seeking treatment. Consulting a qualified psychologist or mental health professional can help you learn more about this approach.
It is important to remember that alcoholism is a disease, and recovery is not simply a matter of willpower or being "strong enough" to quit. Just like other diseases, it can be treated with evidence-based approaches that help the brain heal and promote a healthier, sober life.
As a parent, you can play a crucial role in your child's recovery by learning as much as you can about alcoholism and how it affects the brain. This will enable you to better support your child during this challenging time. Remember, your love and support can make a significant difference in their journey towards recovery.
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Encourage them to seek support
It is important to encourage your child to seek support from other adults, school counsellors, and youth support groups. They may feel that they are to blame for your drinking or that they will get you in trouble if they speak about it. Assure them that this is not the case and that you are responsible for your own behaviour.
Children often have a lot of questions and fears when a parent drinks too much alcohol. When they don't have answers, they tend to come up with their own, which can be incorrect and scary. All children need some explanation and support, geared to their age, to help them understand drinking problems. It is important to support parents to have these conversations with their children to rebuild connections and for children to feel they can trust their parents.
Your child's school may suggest a good substance abuse treatment program. If not, the school district is likely to have a substance abuse prevention and counselling program. Contact them for help. Your county's health department probably has substance abuse services and is another good source of information.
There are also support groups and therapy options for children of alcoholics. Support groups like Al-Anon/Alateen have a 24-hour hotline at 1-800-344-2666. Therapy can help your child build good habits that they were not able to learn while living with an alcoholic parent.
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Frequently asked questions
It is important to be honest with your child and provide an explanation that is geared towards their age. Let them know that your drinking problem is not their fault and that it is up to you to make it better. You could say something like, "I want you to know that I have a problem with alcohol, and I am working on getting better. It is not your fault, and I am sorry if my drinking has ever made you feel scared or upset."
Children from 5 to 10 years old can understand more than most adults realise, and they often know a lot about their parents' alcohol use. You can ask them what they already know and then fill in the gaps with age-appropriate information. It is important to stick to the facts and not tell them that the parent is sick, as this might prompt the child to become a caretaker.
It is important to remember that confrontations are not always the best way of helping. Try to come from a place of love and concern, and encourage your child to express their emotions and seek support from other adults or youth support groups such as Alateen. You could suggest that they talk to a trusted adult, such as a teacher or school counsellor, or call a youth support hotline.
