Noah Vinter
Loving an alcoholic can be emotionally taxing and exhausting. It can be challenging to maintain a personal relationship with an alcoholic, let alone a romantic one. Alcoholics often have little control over their actions and emotions, and they may react negatively when someone ends their relationship. It's important to remember that their alcoholism is not your fault, and there is nothing you can do to change them. While it's natural to want to protect them, breaking up might be the healthiest decision for both of you. Before ending things, make a concrete decision, be gentle and understanding, and have an open and honest dialogue. Remember to take care of yourself and seek support if needed.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Accept that you cannot change the alcoholic | It's not your fault, and there's nothing you can do to change a person with alcoholism |
| Understand the addiction | Learn about addiction and recovery to better understand what you can do differently |
| Set boundaries | Set healthy boundaries and provide them with effective professional resources |
| Don't enable their behaviour | Enabling behaviours include creating excuses or lying on their behalf |
| Don't take it personally | Their addiction takes precedence over everything else, including you |
| Don't accept unacceptable behaviour | They may lie, cheat and steal to get what they want |
| Don't try to control their habits | Trying to control the habits of an alcoholic can be seen as a form of addiction |
| Let go of fear | Loving an addict can lead to constant fear, which can cause depression or hopelessness |
| Take care of yourself | Make your own needs a priority and seek therapy if necessary |
| Seek support | Find a strong support system, such as a group of people who have loved ones that are addicts |
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What You'll Learn
Accept that you cannot fix them
Accepting that you cannot fix them is one of the most important steps to letting go of an alcoholic you love. Alcoholism is a complex disease, and there is no quick fix for addiction. The person suffering from alcoholism must want to get better and take the necessary steps to recovery. While you may want to help your loved one, it is important to recognise that their addiction takes precedence over everything else, including you.
Understand that you cannot change a person with alcoholism, no matter how much you may want to. Their drinking is not your fault, and there is nothing you can do to save them from their dangerous behaviours. The only person who can stop the addiction is the alcoholic themselves.
It is common for people with alcoholism to try to blame their drinking on others, but it is important not to buy into this. Do not take things personally, and do not accept the unacceptable. Instead, set clear boundaries and encourage them to seek professional help.
In addition, it is crucial to let go of fear. Loving an addict can be a frightening experience, and it is normal to feel depressed or hopeless at times. However, you must try to work through these feelings and focus on taking care of yourself.
Finally, it is important to recognise that enabling an addict is not helpful. Enabling behaviours, such as providing comfort or removing consequences, can actually hinder their recovery. Instead, focus on setting healthy boundaries and providing them with professional resources.
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Understand the addiction
Alcohol addiction, or Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), is a complex illness that can be incredibly difficult to overcome. AUD is characterised by an impaired ability to stop or control alcohol use despite adverse social, occupational, or health consequences. It is a brain disorder that can cause lasting structural changes to the brain, particularly the frontal lobe, which is responsible for decision-making and good judgement. These changes can lead to an increased obsession with alcohol and a decreased ability to control drinking habits, even when it is causing harm.
The development of AUD is influenced by a combination of biological, environmental, and genetic factors. Research has shown that drinking at an early age increases the risk of developing AUD later in life, with those who start drinking before the age of 15 being more likely to report having AUD. Genetics also plays a significant role, with a family history of alcohol problems increasing the risk. Additionally, factors such as low self-esteem, stress, personality or mood disorders, and social support networks can contribute to the development of AUD.
The impact of alcohol addiction on the brain is a critical aspect of understanding AUD. Regular alcohol abuse can lead to structural alterations in the brain, causing individuals to drink more than they should and making it difficult to stop. The brain adapts and rewires itself around the continuous presence of alcohol, leading to impaired decision-making and self-control. It is important to recognise that the ability to stop drinking is not related to willpower or weakness but is severely hampered by the changes that occur in the brain due to alcohol misuse.
AUD can have significant negative consequences on daily life, including issues at work or school, financial distress, and engagement in dangerous behaviours. It can also lead to severe cognitive problems, social skill impairments, and various health issues, including liver cirrhosis, increased cancer risk, and severe withdrawal symptoms. Understanding the physical and mental health consequences of AUD is crucial in comprehending the severity and complexity of the illness.
Treatment for AUD typically involves a combination of medication, therapy, and support groups. Medications such as naltrexone, acamprosate, and disulfiram can help reduce cravings and prevent a return to drinking. Therapy, including behavioural treatments and talk therapy, can help individuals identify triggers and develop coping mechanisms. Support groups provide a sense of community and connection with others going through similar experiences. It is important to note that recovery from AUD is a process, and relapses may occur, but with the right treatment and support, many people can reduce their alcohol consumption or stop drinking altogether.
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Set boundaries and detach
Setting boundaries and detaching from an alcoholic you love can be challenging, but it is important for self-preservation and establishing respect. Here are some steps to help you through this process:
Identify Unacceptable Behaviours:
Start by determining the behaviours that you find unacceptable. Write down problematic behaviours exhibited by your loved one over a period of time, such as belittling comments, rudeness, repeated lateness, or emotional and physical abuse. Reflect on which of these behaviours you are unwilling to tolerate. This step provides clarity and helps you establish your boundaries.
Define Your Boundaries:
Boundaries are essential to maintain your emotional and physical well-being. Decide on the limits that work for you. For example, you might decide to leave when your loved one has one drink, or you might be comfortable with wine but not whiskey. You can also set boundaries around not engaging in arguments or certain topics when your loved one is intoxicated. Remember, boundaries are unique to each person and situation.
Set Consequences:
Boundaries without consequences are ineffective. Decide on the outcomes that will occur when your boundaries are crossed. This could involve creating distance and detaching with love. For instance, if your loved one is late, wait a certain amount of time before moving on with your plans without them. If they are rude or abusive, remove yourself from the situation by going to a friend's house or calmly confronting them and disengaging from the lie or manipulation.
Communicate Your Boundaries:
While it is not necessary to share your boundaries with your loved one, communication can help set expectations and respect. Express your boundaries clearly and concisely, without overexplaining or becoming defensive. Remember, these boundaries are about taking care of yourself and your needs.
Detaching with Love:
Detaching from an alcoholic you love does not mean severing the relationship entirely. It involves learning to say "no" and not enabling their addiction. You can still offer support and love while stepping away from toxic behaviours. Let your loved one know that you are willing to discuss things and provide support once they are actively seeking treatment. Focus on putting your needs first, and consider seeking support from groups like Al-Anon, which provides guidance on detaching with love.
Remember, setting boundaries and detaching is a challenging process, and it may not always save the relationship. Prioritize your well-being and consider seeking professional support or therapy to help you through this journey.
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Take care of yourself
Loving an alcoholic can be emotionally taxing and exhausting. It can be very difficult to maintain a personal relationship with an alcoholic, let alone a romantic one. It is important to remember that their alcoholism is not your fault. There is nothing you can do to save them or stop them from engaging in dangerous behaviours. All you can do is take care of yourself and make your own needs a priority.
Learn about addiction
Understanding what your loved one is going through and what their recovery process might look like can help you better understand what you can do differently. Al-Anon groups, Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous meetings can be very helpful too.
Set healthy boundaries
Enabling an addict refers to behaviours or scenarios where you remove the consequences of their actions. You can maintain your peace while supporting their recovery by setting clear boundaries and encouraging them to get treatment.
Don't take things personally
It is common for someone with an alcohol use disorder to try to blame their drinking on circumstances or people around them. Don't buy into it. Do not take any harmful or rude behaviour they display as a reflection of who you are.
Let go of guilt
Try your best to look into your future and let go of any guilt from the past. To fully move on from being in a relationship with an alcoholic and learn how to put yourself first, it may be beneficial to attend therapy on your own.
Find a support system
Separating yourself from an alcoholic, both physically and emotionally, is crucial. During this time, it is important to find a strong support system to help you move forward in a positive, productive way, and also understand that you are not alone.
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Seek support
Loving an alcoholic can be emotionally taxing and exhausting. It can be very difficult to maintain any type of personal relationship with an alcoholic, let alone a romantic one. Alcoholism is a complex disease, and there's no quick fix. While you may try your best to help them, there may come a time when you have to let go of an addict you love.
Seeking support is crucial when letting go of an alcoholic you love. Here are some strategies to consider:
- Find a support group: Participating in a support group can provide valuable guidance and help you understand that you are not alone in your struggles. Support groups, such as Al-Anon, offer a network of individuals who understand the challenges of loving an alcoholic. These groups can provide a safe space to share your experiences and connect with others going through similar situations.
- Educate yourself about addiction: Understanding addiction and the recovery process can help you navigate the complexities of your loved one's disease. Learning about the nature of addiction can empower you to make informed decisions and set healthy boundaries.
- Contact help lines and treatment centres: Organisations like the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) offer confidential helplines and treatment referrals. These services can provide information on local resources, support groups, and treatment facilities. They can guide you towards the help you need and ensure you don't have to go through this alone.
- Consider therapy: Therapy can be immensely beneficial in processing the emotions associated with letting go of an alcoholic loved one. A therapist can provide a safe and non-judgmental space to explore your feelings, address any guilt or self-blame, and help you prioritise your own needs and well-being.
- Reach out to friends and family: Sharing your experiences with trusted friends and family members can provide additional support and perspective. While it may be challenging to involve them, having a strong support system is crucial during this time.
- Online resources: There are numerous online resources, such as blogs, websites, and forums, dedicated to supporting loved ones of alcoholics. These can offer convenient access to information, shared experiences, and virtual communities of support.
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Frequently asked questions
It may be time to let go when the alcoholic has refused treatment or continued to use alcohol despite your attempts to create boundaries and enforce consequences.
First, you will need to separate yourself, both physically and emotionally. During this time, it’s important to find a strong support system, which may include a group of other people whose loved ones are addicts. You can also learn about addiction by attending open Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, which are available to anyone, or seeking help from a professional counsellor or therapist.
Set clear boundaries and encourage them to seek treatment. You can also provide them with professional resources and let them know that you are happy to discuss things with them after they are in treatment.
Make your own needs a priority and free yourself from blame. Understand that addiction is a complex disease and that there is nothing you can do to change a person with alcoholism. Let go of fear and work on taking care of yourself while moving forward.
