Noah Vinter
Alcohol addiction is a chronic disease that causes lasting brain changes, making it difficult for an individual to quit drinking. Living with an alcoholic spouse or parent can be emotionally challenging and impact your mental health and overall happiness. It can be particularly distressing for children of alcoholics, who often have to grow up faster than their peers and may suffer from adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). If you are in a relationship with an alcoholic and have children together, it is important to know when and how to leave for the sake of your own and your children's well-being.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Understand the impact on children | Children in households with alcohol addiction may have to mature faster and take on a caretaker role for their parents or siblings. |
| They may also suffer from a range of negative academic and cognitive effects, including low GPAs, poor performance in school, impaired learning capacity, and poor speech and language development. | |
| Research shows that children of parents with AUDs are more likely to engage in substance misuse themselves and can have an increased risk for various mental, emotional, behavioral, and social conditions. | |
| Children of alcoholic parents can develop certain characteristics, such as resilience, empathy, responsibility, determination, guilt, distrust, denial, inability to express emotions, shame, need for control, and low self-esteem. | |
| Educate yourself about alcoholism and addiction | Alcohol addiction is a disease that can change a person's brain chemistry and impact their behavior. |
| It is not easy for someone to admit they have a problem, and offering encouragement can give them the motivation to seek help. | |
| Only doctors or licensed addiction professionals can diagnose AUD. | |
| Set boundaries and have a support system | It is important to set healthy physical and emotional boundaries and communicate them clearly to your alcoholic spouse or parents. |
| Have a close friend, family member, or someone in the addiction community to rely on and provide a safe space when you need to leave the house. | |
| Seek professional support | Seek therapy, join online support groups, or attend support groups in person to process and understand your feelings. |
| Have an emergency plan | Be prepared to leave immediately if there are any signs of verbal or physical abuse, threatening behavior, or if your mental health is deteriorating. |
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What You'll Learn
Educate yourself about alcoholism and addiction
Alcohol addiction is a disease that changes a person's brain chemistry, impacting how they feel and act. It is not easy for someone to admit that they have a problem, and it is not easy to have the conversation with them. However, educating yourself about alcoholism and addiction can help you understand your loved one's signs, symptoms, and behaviours, and take the blame off yourself.
There are plenty of resources available to help you learn about addiction, including podcasts, books, websites, and online community support groups. The more you learn, the more you will understand why professional help is necessary. Alcohol addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease that causes lasting brain changes, making it very hard for someone to stop drinking. It is not simply a matter of willpower or being "strong enough" to quit. Only doctors or licensed addiction professionals can diagnose someone with Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD).
Substance use disorders harm a person's health and change the way they act, causing problems at home and work. They can also negatively impact a child's emotional and behavioural functioning and their ability to cope and adjust to social situations. Children in households with alcohol addiction may have to mature at an accelerated pace and take on a caretaker role for their parents or siblings. They are also more likely to develop an alcohol or substance use disorder themselves.
If you are the breadwinner in a relationship with an alcoholic partner, you may feel immense guilt and shame for wanting to leave, or worry that their addiction will get worse if you do. On the other hand, if your partner is the breadwinner, you may not have the financial means to leave. Living with an alcoholic can be an unsafe and unhealthy situation, but there are ways to navigate it. Setting healthy boundaries, both physical and emotional, is important. Having your own bank account and sleeping in separate beds can be part of this.
It is also crucial to have a support system of close friends, family members, or others in the addiction community who can listen, give advice, and help in a crisis. They can also remind you to practice self-care and seek therapy.
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Have an emergency plan
Living with an alcoholic can take a toll on your mental health and overall happiness. It is important to have an emergency plan in place to ensure your safety and that of your children. Here are some steps to consider when creating your emergency plan:
Recognize the Signs: Be aware of any signs of verbal, physical, or emotional abuse, as well as threatening behavior from your alcoholic partner. Understand that your mental health is a priority, and if you feel that it is deteriorating, it may be time to activate your plan.
Have an Exit Strategy: If things become dangerous, be prepared to leave the house immediately. Have a bag packed and ready to go, including essential items for you and your children, such as clothes, medications, and important documents. Keep this bag in a safe place where you can access it quickly.
Financial Security: If possible, set aside an emergency fund that you can access when needed. This fund can help cover immediate expenses, such as accommodation, transportation, and any other necessities for you and your children. Consider having your own bank account separate from your partner to ensure financial independence and security.
Support System: Build a strong support system by reaching out to close friends, family members, or professionals in the addiction community. These individuals can provide emotional support, practical advice, and a safe place to stay if needed. It is crucial to have a network you can rely on during this challenging time.
Self-Care: Remember to prioritize self-care during this difficult period. Engage in activities that bring you joy, such as hobbies, exercise, spending time outdoors, and maintaining a healthy meal plan and sleep schedule. Taking care of yourself will help you stay resilient and make informed decisions.
Professional Support: Seek professional support for yourself and your children. Meeting with a therapist or joining support groups can provide valuable guidance and help you process your emotions. Remember, your alcoholic partner does not need to know that you are seeking help. Your mental health and well-being are important, and there are confidential resources available to assist you.
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Practice self-care
Practicing self-care is extremely important when leaving an alcoholic partner, especially when children are involved. Here are some ways to practice self-care during this challenging time:
Seek Professional Support
Seeking professional help can be immensely beneficial for your mental health and overall well-being. Consider meeting with a therapist or counsellor, either individually or as part of a support group. These professionals can provide you with tools to process and understand your emotions, help you set boundaries, and support you in advocating for yourself and your children. Support groups, such as Al-Anon and Families Anonymous, offer a network of people going through similar experiences, providing friendship, understanding, and a sense of community.
Build a Support System
Surround yourself with a supportive network of trusted friends, family members, or even neighbours who can offer a listening ear, give advice when needed, and provide practical help during a crisis. If you are a parent, having a support system becomes even more crucial, as you may need help with childcare or simply a safe space for you and your children to stay. Remember that you don't have to go through this alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help.
Prioritize Self-Care Activities
Taking care of yourself physically and emotionally is essential. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you relax, such as hobbies, exercise, spending time outdoors, or connecting with nature. Stick to a healthy meal plan and sleep schedule, as proper nutrition and rest can positively impact your mood and energy levels.
Work on Personal Growth
Leaving an alcoholic partner is just the first step. Staying away and rebuilding your life are equally important. Focus on your personal growth, self-worth, and developing new skills. This can be a transformative time where you discover your strength and resilience, setting a positive example for your children and creating a brighter future for both yourself and them.
Stay Firm in Your Decision
The decision to leave an alcoholic partner is often complicated and emotionally charged. It's not uncommon to feel a pull to return to the relationship, especially if your partner expresses remorse or tries to manipulate you. Stay firm in your decision to leave, knowing that it is likely the best move for both your own well-being and that of your children.
Remember, self-care is an ongoing practice, and it may look different at various stages of your journey. Be patient with yourself, seek support when needed, and celebrate even the smallest victories along the way.
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Seek professional support
Seeking professional support is crucial when dealing with an alcoholic partner, especially when children are involved. Here are some steps to take:
Understand Alcohol Addiction
Firstly, educate yourself about alcohol addiction. Understanding the nature of addiction is crucial to dealing with an alcoholic partner effectively. Recognise that alcoholism is a progressive disease that usually worsens over time. It is not something that can be easily controlled or cured without professional help. This understanding will help you approach the situation with compassion rather than frustration.
Seek Therapy
Consider individual therapy to help you cope with the emotional toll of having an alcoholic partner. Therapy can provide you with a safe space to process your feelings, and a therapist can guide you in navigating the complexities of your situation. They can also help you set boundaries and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
Join Support Groups
In addition to individual therapy, consider joining support groups specifically for partners of alcoholics, such as Al-Anon. These groups provide a network of people who understand what you are going through and can offer valuable advice and encouragement. They can also help you detach from your partner's behaviour and focus on self-care.
Consult Legal Professionals
If your partner's behaviour puts you, your children, or others at risk, seek the help of a legal professional. They can advise you on how to leave the relationship safely and protect your legal rights and those of your children.
Encourage Professional Treatment
While you cannot force your partner to seek help, you can encourage them to receive professional treatment. Offer to help them find a suitable therapist or treatment centre, and support them throughout the process. Remember, your partner may need multiple attempts before they successfully quit, so patience and persistence are key.
Remember, seeking professional support is a crucial step in dealing with an alcoholic partner. It will help you make informed decisions, protect your well-being, and provide a healthier environment for your children.
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Explain alcoholism to your children
Explaining alcoholism to children can be difficult, especially if you are the parent. It is important to be aware of their age and what to tell them. There are approximately 28 million American children who have an alcoholic parent, yet it is rarely discussed, leaving children confused and facing the consequences throughout their lives. Children in these situations often have to do their best to cope and survive.
Children who grow up in a household with alcoholic parents have an increased risk of substance use and PTSD. They are also four times more likely to become addicts themselves. They are more likely to suffer from abuse, witness domestic violence, and marry an addict in the future. They may also have to take on a caretaker role for their parents or siblings, causing them to mature at an accelerated pace. This can lead to adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and negative effects on their mental health, relationships, careers, and overall well-being.
It is important to approach the conversation from the context that alcoholism is a disease. Children need to understand that someone with alcoholism is unwell but not necessarily a bad person. Reinforce that it is not the child's fault, and they are not to blame for the addiction. They should also know that they cannot do anything to stop it. Be mindful of their age and tailor the conversation accordingly. For children under ten, emphasize safety and give them the opportunity to share their feelings and fears. For older children who are not yet teenagers, focus on direct honesty and explaining the facts without lecturing about substance abuse.
Encourage your children to find people they can talk to, such as a trusted adult or a friend. They can also write down their questions or worries to help them think more clearly and share them with someone they trust. Additionally, they can call hotlines like Kids Help Phone or Al-Anon/Alateen to talk to someone who can help. It is crucial for children to understand that they don't have to feel ashamed and that they are not responsible for keeping the family secret. Help them develop good emotional habits and build resilience, empathy, responsibility, and determination.
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Frequently asked questions
The National Association for Children of Addiction recommends teaching children "The 7 Cs": "I didn't cause. I can’t cure. I can’t control. I can help take care of myself by communicating my feelings, making healthy choices, and celebrating me." It's important to let children know that they are not to blame for their parent's alcoholism and that they cannot cure or control it.
Children of alcoholic parents may have to mature faster and take on a caretaker role. They are also at risk of suffering from a wide range of negative academic and cognitive effects, such as low GPAs, poor performance in math and reading, unexcused absences, and impaired learning capacity. Additionally, they may experience guilt, distrust, denial, shame, low self-esteem, and an unhealthy need for control.
It is important to set healthy boundaries and have your own support system. Educate yourself about alcoholism and addiction, and seek professional support for yourself. Have an emergency plan in place and leave the house if things become dangerous.
