Lena Savoie
Alcoholism in the elderly is a growing problem, and it can be challenging and painful to deal with an alcoholic parent. Alcohol use disorders (AUD) affect 29.5 million Americans, and alcohol is the most commonly abused substance in the US. It is important to remember that you cannot force someone to change or make them quit drinking, but you can bring it to their attention that you think they have a problem. If your parent is an alcoholic, it is crucial to take care of yourself first by setting boundaries and seeking help if needed. You can also encourage them to seek treatment and offer your support during their recovery process. Remember to choose your wording carefully when speaking with your parent to avoid making them feel ashamed or embarrassed, which may lead to more drinking.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Choose your words carefully | Avoid using the word "alcoholic" and instead focus on their "drinking habits" or "alcohol use" |
| Be calm and gentle | Do not respond in anger, take a deep breath before saying anything |
| Set boundaries | Take care of yourself first, seek therapy if needed |
| Talk to family members | Discuss what you can do with other family members |
| Talk to your mother | Have a conversation about her drinking habits, but do not do so when she is intoxicated |
| Seek professional help | Contact treatment providers, rehab facilities, and alcohol counselors |
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What You'll Learn
Choose your words carefully. Avoid saying alcoholic and focus on their drinking habits
Dealing with an alcoholic parent can be extremely challenging, especially when it is an elderly mother. While you cannot make them seek help or treatment, there are ways to better deal with their alcoholism and keep yourself sane.
Firstly, it is important to choose your words carefully and avoid saying "alcoholic". The word carries a stigma and may make your mother feel ashamed or bad, which could lead to more drinking. Instead, focus on her drinking habits or alcohol use. For example, say "I feel sad and disappointed when you miss time to play with your grandchildren because of alcohol." Using "I" statements avoids blaming your mother and takes ownership of your feelings. Remember, your mother is probably already aware that she has a problem.
It is also crucial to remain calm and avoid getting angry or upset. Focus on being gentle and loving in your conversations with her. If you notice your temper flaring, take a deep breath before saying anything. Remind yourself that anger will not solve your problems but will likely expand them. If you need to, take some distance by going for a walk or asking someone else to take over for a while. Consider getting a home nurse or caregiver to help you get some space if needed.
When having conversations about her drinking, avoid doing so when she has been drinking. It will be difficult for your mother to absorb and respond appropriately if she is not sober and rational. Instead, plan to talk to her earlier in the day before she has had a chance to drink. Have mini conversations that show your concern and let her know how her drinking habits are harming her. Suggest activities that don't include drinking alcohol. If she refuses to accept that she has a problem and her health is deteriorating, it may be best to take a break from talking about her alcohol use.
Additionally, you can offer to help your mother find resources and tools to overcome alcohol use disorder. Encourage her to seek counselling or attend group meetings, and offer to drive her to and from these appointments. Keep in mind that overcoming alcohol use disorder is an ongoing process and may include setbacks. Be supportive during treatment by joining her for family or group counselling meetings, listening, and being patient.
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Avoid conversations while they're drinking
Dealing with an alcoholic parent can be extremely challenging, especially when it is an elderly mother. It is important to remember that you cannot make them seek help or treatment, but there are things you can do to better deal with their alcoholism and keep your sanity.
One of the most important things to do is to avoid conversations while they are drinking. This is because it can be difficult to talk to someone who has been drinking, and it may cause you to become angry. It will also be difficult for your mother to absorb or respond appropriately to what you are saying if she is not sober. If your mother calls you and you can tell she has been drinking, say that you will call her back or talk another time.
It is also important to choose your wording carefully when speaking with your mother about her drinking. Avoid using the word "alcoholic" as this may make her feel ashamed or bad, and instead, focus on her "drinking habits" or "alcohol use". Try to remain calm and avoid getting angry or upset, and focus on being gentle and loving. Use “I” statements to avoid blaming your mother and take ownership of your feelings. For example, say "I feel sad when you don't spend time with your grandchildren because of drinking" instead of "You choose alcohol over your grandchildren". Remember that your mother is probably already aware that she has a drinking problem.
It is crucial to set boundaries and take care of yourself first. If your mother does not want help, there is not much you can do besides setting boundaries and caring for your own mental health. You can suggest activities you can do together that do not involve drinking, and continue to talk to your mother about her feelings. Offer her positive reinforcement and acknowledge that what she is going through is difficult.
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Don't be afraid to talk about their drinking problem
Alcohol misuse often affects not just the drinker but also their loved ones. It can be difficult to communicate your concerns and find ways to help your elderly mother cut back or quit drinking. However, it is important to not be afraid to talk to your mother about her drinking problem. Here are some ways to approach the topic:
Choose your wording carefully
The word "alcoholic" carries a stigma, so instead of using this term, refer to "your drinking habits" or "alcohol use". Focus your words on yourself and less on your mother. Use "I" statements to avoid blaming your mother and to take ownership of your feelings. For example, say, "I feel sad and disappointed when you miss time to play with your grandchildren because of alcohol." This is less accusing than saying, "You choose alcohol over your grandkids and we don't like that." Remember that your mother is probably already aware that she has a problem.
Have mini conversations
Instead of having one giant conversation about alcoholism, have some small conversations that show that you are concerned. Before staging a full intervention, take moments to say how your mother's drinking makes you feel. Let her know that you notice her drinking habits and the harm they are causing. You could say, "I'm concerned about you. I've noticed you're drinking much more since Dad died. I'm sad, too, but drinking won't help the pain go away."
Talk about your worries when your mother is sober
It is important to avoid conversations while your mother is drinking. If she picks up the phone and you can tell she's been drinking, say that you will call back or talk another time. Talking to someone who's been drinking can be difficult and cause you to become angry. It will also be difficult for your mother to absorb or respond appropriately to what you are trying to say to her if she is not sober and rational.
Remain calm
Dealing with an alcoholic parent on a regular basis may lead to frustration, anger, and feeling overwhelmed. Do your best not to respond to your mother in anger. If you notice your temper flaring, take a deep breath before saying anything. Remind yourself that anger will not take away your problems and is likely to expand them. Take some distance if you need it. Go on a walk, go outside, or ask someone to take over for you. If you feel constantly upset, consider having a home nurse or other caretaker so that you can get some distance.
Involve other family members or friends
Talk honestly about how you are feeling with other family members or friends so that you are not dealing with this alone. Ask for the support or help you need. Try going to counselling or special meetings that offer support to families and friends of people with alcohol use disorders. There may be programs at your local hospital or clinic.
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Set boundaries to protect yourself
Alcoholism in elderly parents can be extremely challenging to deal with, and it is important to set boundaries to protect yourself. Here are some ways to do that:
- Recognize the impact of alcoholism on the elderly and their families: Understand that alcoholism can severely impact an individual's personal, professional, social, and financial life. It can lead to emotional, physical, mental, and financial abuse, especially for those living with or near the person with the addiction. Recognize the signs of alcoholism, such as sudden changes in behavior, restlessness, insomnia, and a decline in self-care or household upkeep.
- Choose your words carefully when speaking with your parent: Avoid using the word "alcoholic" as it may carry stigma and shame. Instead, focus on their “drinking habits” or “alcohol use." Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming your parent. For example, say, "I feel sad when you don't spend time with your grandchildren because of drinking."
- Remain calm and avoid angry confrontations: Dealing with an alcoholic parent can be frustrating, but responding in anger will only make the situation worse. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that anger will expand the problem. If needed, take some distance by going for a walk or asking someone else to step in temporarily.
- Set boundaries and prioritize self-care: As advised by psychotherapist Lauren Urban, "if someone wants help to get sober, you can support them. But if they don't want help, there's not much you can do besides setting boundaries and taking care of yourself first." Understand that your parent's sobriety is their choice, and you cannot force them to change. Focus on ensuring your own well-being and seek help if needed.
- Seek support and consider treatment options: Talk to other family members about the situation and decide on a united approach. If your parent is open to seeking help, explore treatment providers, rehabs, and support groups. Offer your love and support during their recovery journey, but remember that their willingness to change is essential.
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Remain calm. Take a breath before responding to your parent
Dealing with an alcoholic parent can be extremely challenging, and it's important to remember that your parent's sobriety is their choice alone. As their child, you can offer your love and support, but it is up to them to decide to get help and recover. Here are some ways to remain calm and take a breath before responding to your parent:
Choose your words carefully
When speaking with your parent, be mindful of your language. Avoid using the word "alcoholic" as it may carry a stigma and lead to shame or embarrassment, which could encourage more drinking. Instead, use phrases like "your drinking habits" or "alcohol use". Focus on using "I" statements to express your feelings without placing blame on your parent. For example, say, "I feel sad and disappointed when you don't spend time with your grandchildren because of alcohol." This approach is less accusing than saying, "You choose alcohol over your grandkids, and we don't like that." Remember, your parent is likely already aware that they have a drinking problem.
Take a moment before responding
Dealing with an alcoholic parent can be frustrating and overwhelming, and it's natural to feel angry at times. However, try to avoid responding to your parent in anger. If you feel your temper flaring, take a deep breath and pause before saying anything. Remind yourself that anger will only make the situation worse. Take a break if you need to—go for a walk, step outside, or ask someone else to take over for a while. Consider seeking support from a professional counsellor or therapist if you feel constantly upset and overwhelmed.
Have mini conversations
Instead of having one intense conversation about their alcoholism, try having smaller, more casual conversations to express your concerns. Share how their drinking makes you feel and let them know that you notice their drinking habits and the potential harm it is causing. These mini conversations can be less intimidating and more effective in reaching your parent. If they remain resistant to seeking help, you may then consider arranging a formal intervention with a professional.
Set boundaries and practice self-care
It's important to set boundaries to protect yourself emotionally and mentally. Understand that you cannot force your parent to change, and their willingness to seek help is their choice. Take care of yourself first and seek your own support system, which can include family members, counsellors, or support groups specifically for family members of alcoholics. Remember to jot down specific instances where your parent's drinking put themselves or others at risk, as these examples can be helpful when discussing the issue with your parent or a professional.
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Frequently asked questions
It is important to remain calm and choose your wording carefully. Avoid using the word "alcoholic" as it may lead to feelings of shame and more drinking. Instead, use phrases like "your drinking habits" or "alcohol use". Focus on how their drinking makes you feel, using "I" statements to avoid blame. Do not have this conversation when your mother is intoxicated, and do not be afraid to seek the help of an alcohol counsellor to mediate.
It is important to remember that you cannot force your mother to change, quit drinking, or go to rehab. You can, however, set boundaries to protect yourself and offer your love and support during the recovery process. If your mother is in denial about her drinking habits, your continued support and encouragement may help push her to quit drinking.
It is important to take care of yourself first and get any help you need. Take some distance if you need it and consider getting a home nurse or caretaker so that you can get some space. Remember that your mother's sobriety is her choice alone, and do not take the blame for her actions.
