Mason Delacroix
Alcoholism is a serious addiction that can have a devastating impact on relationships. Living with an alcoholic partner can be emotionally draining, and it can trigger feelings of self-blame and attempts to control your partner's drinking. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant that impairs decision-making and leads to a loss of self-control, which can result in angry outbursts. If your boyfriend is an alcoholic and struggles with anger when drunk, there are several ways to deal with the situation. Firstly, focus on your own well-being and practice self-care to ensure your physical and mental health is a priority. Secondly, try to maintain a level of normality and routine in your daily life. Thirdly, avoid engaging with your boyfriend when he is drunk, as he is unlikely to be receptive, and remove yourself from dangerous situations. Finally, encourage your boyfriend to seek professional help and support his recovery, but remember that you are not responsible for his drinking or behaviour.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Feelings | Self-blame, sadness, anger, stress, anxiety, fear, shame, isolation, frustration |
| Actions | Attempts to control partner's drinking, making excuses for their drinking, bailing them out of jail, minimising drinking's impact on the family, avoiding the issue, controlling behaviour, shouting, judging, blaming, giving up, accepting responsibility for their drinking, focusing all energy on the alcoholic partner |
| Impact | Physical, psychological and social trauma, increased stress, anxiety and depression, denial, hopelessness, shame, isolation, codependency, guilt, grief, poor self-esteem, breakdown of family, domestic violence, emotional violence, financial violence |
| Recommendations | Maintain a level of normality, focus on yourself and other affected household members, step back, take time for yourself, seek professional help, practice self-care, set boundaries, remove yourself from the situation, calmly explain how their drunken behaviour affects you, reinforce that you are worried about them and will support their recovery, plan what you're going to say ahead of time, remain calm and focused, be specific about your concerns, don't use stigmatising language, don't talk when they're drunk or when you're angry |
| Support | Alcoholics Anonymous, Families Anonymous, National Association for Children of Addiction, Partnership to End Addiction, Recovering Couples Anonymous, Secular Organizations for Sobriety, SMART Recovery, Women for Sobriety, National Domestic Violence Hotline, family support programmes |
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What You'll Learn
Don't engage when they're drunk
Alcohol abuse can have a significant impact on a person's life, and dealing with an alcoholic partner can be emotionally and physically draining. If your boyfriend is an alcoholic, you may be experiencing feelings of anger, sadness, and exhaustion from having to pick up more responsibilities. It is important to remember that you are not alone and that there are ways to cope with this challenging situation.
When dealing with an angry alcoholic partner, it is crucial to prioritize your safety and well-being first. If you feel that you or others in your household are physically or emotionally unsafe, it is imperative to seek immediate professional support. Do not try to handle the situation alone.
Now, onto your specific request. When your boyfriend is drunk, it is generally advised not to engage with him. Here are some reasons why:
- Alcohol impairs judgment and reduces self-control, which can lead to angry outbursts and aggressive behavior. Engaging with an intoxicated partner may only escalate the situation and put you at risk.
- When an individual is drunk, they are less likely to comprehend and retain what you are saying. Having important conversations or expressing your concerns while they are intoxicated will likely be ineffective and could lead to further misunderstandings.
- Alcohol clouds an individual's emotions and thoughts. If you engage with your boyfriend when he is drunk, he may not be in a clear state of mind to process and respond appropriately to what you are saying.
- By not engaging when your boyfriend is drunk, you set a boundary and send a message that you will not enable or tolerate inappropriate behavior due to intoxication. This stance can be a powerful motivator for your boyfriend to recognize the negative impact of his drinking and seek help.
- Your well-being is paramount. Engaging with an angry drunk individual can be emotionally draining and detrimental to your mental health. Protect your peace and emotional energy by choosing not to engage during these times.
Remember, it is not your responsibility to control or cure your boyfriend's alcoholism. Focus on taking care of yourself, educating yourself about substance abuse disorders, and seeking support from trusted friends, family, or support groups like Al-Anon. Additionally, consider researching treatment options in your area so that you can encourage your boyfriend to seek professional help when he is ready.
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Focus on your own well-being
Dealing with an alcoholic partner can be emotionally and physically draining, and it is important to focus on your own well-being during this time. Alcoholism is a serious addiction that can have a devastating impact on relationships. It is critical to look at your own emotions and needs, and to remember that you are not responsible for your partner's drinking or behaviour.
Firstly, it is important to take time for yourself. This means ensuring you have a good support system around you, and focusing on your physical and mental health. Eat healthily, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly. Do things that you enjoy, and that bring you happiness and peace. It is okay to make choices that are good for your own health and well-being.
Secondly, you should try to maintain a level of normality in your daily life. Stick to a routine, continue with work, and try to relax. This can help you to focus on yourself and your own needs, rather than becoming overwhelmed by your partner's issues.
Thirdly, learn to step back. It can be hard to see a loved one struggling with addiction, but if you try to save them every time there is an issue, their addiction is likely to continue. They may need to experience a crisis before they can recognise their need to change.
Finally, educate yourself about substance use disorders. Learn about the diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. This knowledge can give you empathy and a better understanding of your partner's experience. It can also help you to have more informed discussions and decisions about their treatment and recovery.
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Seek professional help
Living with an alcoholic partner can be emotionally and physically draining, and it can have a serious impact on your health and well-being. It is important to seek professional help to cope with the stress of living with an angry, alcoholic boyfriend.
Educate Yourself
First, it is important to educate yourself about alcohol use disorders (AUD). AUD is a chronic medical condition characterized by an inability to stop or control drinking despite health, social, or professional consequences. Understanding the diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options can provide you with empathy for your partner's experience and solid data to aid discussions and decisions.
Seek Professional Support
Consider reaching out to a professional support group or therapist. Support groups like Al-Anon are specially designed for loved ones of those with alcohol problems and can provide valuable support, encouragement, and information. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Families Anonymous also offer support and give you the chance to meet others struggling with similar problems.
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration also offers a National Helpline via 1-800-662-HELP (4357). Calls are confidential, free, and answered 24/7, and operators can provide treatment referrals and information services for individuals and families dealing with mental health and/or substance use disorders.
Encourage Your Partner to Seek Help
Suggest researching rehabs together, encourage your boyfriend to seek counseling, or ask if he would consider self-help groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). It can be difficult to distinguish between helping and enabling, which refers to behaviors that perpetuate another person's negative behaviors, such as excessive alcohol use. Developing awareness of these behaviors and setting appropriate limits can help your boyfriend take responsibility for his actions and seek help.
Remember, you are not the cause nor the cure of your boyfriend's substance abuse issues, but there are ways you can contribute positively to his recovery and your own healing.
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Don't blame yourself
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic medical condition characterised by an inability to stop or control drinking despite health, social, or professional consequences. AUD not only affects the person with the drinking problem but also their family, loved ones, and others around them. Living with and dealing with an alcoholic can have a serious effect on your health and well-being. It is completely normal to feel exhausted from having to pick up more of the responsibilities, terrified about the health and future of everyone in your household, and angry about the situation.
It is important to remember that you did not cause your boyfriend's drinking, and you cannot control or cure it. Alcoholics often blame innocent bystanders for provoking them to anger and meltdown because they are trying to self-regulate by controlling their external world to make up for their internal turmoil. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant that impairs decision-making and leads to a loss of self-control, especially after periods of binge drinking. Alcohol may also exacerbate underlying anger and aggression issues rather than directly causing them.
Living with someone with an alcohol use disorder can trigger feelings of self-blame. You may feel responsible for your boyfriend's drinking, but it is crucial to realise that he is solely responsible for how he handles his emotions and his recovery from alcohol use disorder. You would not blame yourself if your partner had diabetes or cancer, so try to think of alcohol misuse in the same light. You might also feel pressured to change your behaviour to accommodate your boyfriend's drinking. For example, you might drive him everywhere so he doesn't get a DUI, bail him out of jail, or pay for his alcohol-related damages. However, these actions are enabling his drinking and supporting his addiction.
Instead of blaming yourself, focus on yourself and your own physical and mental health. Take time for yourself and ensure you have a good support system around you through these trying times. Educate yourself about substance use disorders, including the diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. This knowledge can provide you with empathy for your boyfriend's experience and solid data to aid discussions and decisions. Seek outside support from family, friends, or mutual-help groups. If you are experiencing mental health symptoms associated with anxiety or depression, talk to a professional.
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Plan what to say
Dealing with an alcoholic partner can be emotionally and physically draining. It is important to remember that you are not responsible for your partner's drinking or angry behaviour. Here are some tips to help you plan what to say to your boyfriend:
- Do your research: Take time to understand the disease of alcoholism and alcohol use disorder (AUD). Talk to medical and mental health professionals to gain a better understanding.
- Practice your conversation: Rehearse what you want to say in front of a mirror or with a supportive friend or family member. This can help you feel more confident and calm when having the actual conversation.
- Remain calm and focused: Avoid getting emotional or angry during the conversation. Try to maintain a calm and focused demeanour to reduce the chances of your partner becoming defensive.
- Choose the right time: Ensure both you and your partner are sober and calm when having this conversation. Avoid distractions and choose a time when you are unlikely to be interrupted.
- Be specific: Share specific examples of behaviours or incidents that have concerned you. This can help your partner understand the impact of their drinking on you and others.
- Avoid stigmatizing language: Refrain from using outdated and stigmatizing terms such as "alcoholic" or "alcohol abuse" when discussing the disease of addiction. Choose respectful and non-judgmental language.
- Express your concerns and support: Calmly explain how their drunken behaviours are affecting you and others. Reinforce that you are worried about them and that you are willing to support them through recovery.
- Set boundaries: Let your partner know what behaviours you will not tolerate and what consequences will follow if these boundaries are crossed. This can include removing yourself from the situation if you feel unsafe.
- Focus on solutions: Instead of solely focusing on the problems, discuss possible solutions and treatment options together. Offer to accompany your partner to seek professional help or support groups.
- Avoid self-blame: Recognize that your partner is responsible for their drinking and recovery. Do not accept any blame or requests to change your behaviour to accommodate their drinking.
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Frequently asked questions
It's important not to talk to your boyfriend when he's drunk as he is unlikely to take in what you have to say. Instead, calmly explain to him when he is sober how his drunken behaviours are affecting you and those around him. Be specific about your concerns and avoid using stigmatising language.
You are not the cause of your boyfriend's drinking, nor can you control or cure it. Rather than obsessively monitoring his drinking behaviour, consider practising the art of releasing control over his alcohol use.
If your boyfriend becomes aggressive or defensive, try removing yourself from the situation. This may mean going to another room, leaving the house, or calling the police if you feel unsafe. Avoid arguing with him when he is drunk, as this will only make the situation worse.
Living with an alcoholic can have a serious effect on your health and well-being. Make sure you take some time for yourself and focus on your physical and mental health. Practise self-care and do things that you enjoy. Seek support from friends, family, or professional therapists.
