Alcohol And Infidelity: Saving Your Marriage

Alcohol and infidelity are closely linked and often co-occur, with one issue often compounding the other. Infidelity is a common cause of divorce and can lead to a range of negative emotions in the betrayed partner, such as anger, anxiety, depression, and feelings of unworthiness. Alcohol, on the other hand, impairs judgment and lowers inhibitions, making individuals more likely to act on impulses they would normally suppress. When a relationship is strained by infidelity, the betrayed partner may turn to alcohol as a coping mechanism, and when a relationship is strained by alcohol abuse, infidelity may become more likely. Addressing these issues can be challenging, but it is possible to save a marriage affected by alcohol and infidelity with professional help and a commitment to change.

Recognise the signs of alcohol addiction and infidelity

Recognising the signs of alcohol addiction and infidelity can be challenging, as these issues are often characterised by deception and secrecy. However, there are some behavioural indicators that may suggest a partner is struggling with alcohol addiction or engaging in infidelity.

Alcohol addiction:

• Fluctuating behaviour or personality changes, such as irritability, impulsivity, or depression, which may be more noticeable when the person is under the influence of alcohol.
• Dishonesty about alcohol use, including downplaying or hiding the amount consumed. This may be an attempt to avoid appearing as if they have a drinking problem.
• Continued alcohol use despite negative consequences, such as problems at work or school, legal issues, or health problems.
• Drinking during unusual times of the day or becoming intoxicated to cope with stressful situations.
• Alcohol-related arrests or loss of employment due to frequent absences related to drinking.

Infidelity:

• Changes in spending habits, such as unexplained large cash withdrawals, could indicate that money is being spent on secret encounters or gifts for someone else.
• A sudden increase in time spent away from home or a lack of communication about their whereabouts could suggest they are spending time with someone else.
• Becoming overly protective of electronic devices and spending a significant amount of time on them without sharing what they are doing could indicate secret online relationships or communication with someone else.
• A change in appearance or an increased interest in their looks could be a sign they are trying to impress someone else.
• A breakdown in communication or a refusal to listen or respond to their partner's concerns could indicate they are avoiding difficult questions or feelings of guilt.

It is important to note that while these signs may suggest alcohol addiction or infidelity, they do not necessarily indicate that these issues are present. If you suspect your partner is struggling with alcohol addiction, it is essential to encourage them to seek help from qualified treatment professionals.

Understand the impact of infidelity on the cheated-on partner

Infidelity is often considered the ultimate form of betrayal and causes deep emotional damage. When a partner discovers their significant other's infidelity, they experience a surge of painful emotions. The cheated-on partner may feel a sense of loss, as their perception of their partner and the relationship changes. This can be extremely upsetting and evoke feelings of anger and unworthiness.

The cheated-on partner may internalise these feelings and blame themselves, questioning their self-worth and where things went wrong. This can lead to the development of anxiety and depression as painful emotions resurface. The discovery of a partner's infidelity can also trigger somatic symptoms such as insomnia, weight loss, difficulty concentrating, and a lack of appetite and libido. These symptoms can have a significant impact on the cheated-on partner's overall health and well-being.

In an attempt to cope with the painful emotions and distress caused by infidelity, the cheated-on partner may turn to alcohol or other harmful substances. These substances may provide temporary relief, happiness, or distraction. However, once the effects wear off, the painful emotions often resurface, leading to a cycle of substance use that can result in tolerance, dependence, or addiction.

The impact of infidelity on the cheated-on partner can be long-lasting and have ripple effects on their mental health and overall well-being. It can lead to increased anxiety, chronic stress, depression, and lowered self-esteem. The emotional distress caused by infidelity can be devastating and may require professional assistance for the individual to heal and recover.

It is important to recognise that the cheated-on partner may experience grief and a sense of loss, and this is a normal response to infidelity. The healing process may involve working through these emotions and addressing the underlying causes of the infidelity. While some couples may be able to move past infidelity with time and therapy, it requires active work and willingness from both partners to address the root cause.

Address the addiction first, then the infidelity

Alcoholism and infidelity are closely linked. Alcohol impairs judgement and lowers inhibitions, making individuals more likely to act on impulses that they would otherwise suppress. Alcoholism can cause infidelity, and infidelity can worsen alcohol abuse.

If you are experiencing issues with alcohol and infidelity in your marriage, it is important to address the addiction first. Alcohol addiction treatment centres can help you or your spouse overcome alcohol addiction. The sooner you seek help, the more likely you are to succeed in your recovery and save your marriage. If the drinking problem has spiralled out of control, you may wish to seek help from a professional interventionist who can mediate the process of talking with your spouse about their alcohol addiction.

Once the addiction is addressed, you can begin to tackle the infidelity. Infidelity can cause deep emotional damage and is often considered the ultimate form of betrayal. It can trigger feelings of anger, unworthiness, and anxiety. If you are the one who has been cheated on, it is important to remember that you are not to blame for your partner's actions. Infidelity is often a sign of self-worth and internalised issues on the part of the cheater.

To heal from infidelity, it is crucial to understand the underlying causes. Therapy can help couples address the complex issues surrounding infidelity and work through the devastating personal and relational consequences. It is important to note that separation is not generally recommended when a spouse is having an affair, as it can make it easier for them to continue the relationship with their lover. However, if there is abuse involved, separation may be necessary to ensure safety.

By addressing the addiction first and then tackling the infidelity through therapy and understanding, it is possible to recover from both alcohol addiction and infidelity and rebuild a stronger marriage.

Seek professional help from a therapist or interventionist

Dealing with alcohol and infidelity in a marriage can be challenging and overwhelming. While you cannot control your spouse's choices or cure their alcohol use disorder, there are steps you can take to protect your well-being and support them in their journey toward recovery. Here are some ways to seek professional help from a therapist or interventionist:

Understanding the Issues

Educate yourself about alcohol use disorders, including diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. Understanding the underlying causes of your spouse's drinking, such as emotional pain, stress, mental health issues, or social pressures, can provide you with empathy and solid data to aid your discussions and decisions. Recognize that alcoholism and infidelity are closely linked, and addressing the alcohol addiction first is crucial for saving your marriage.

Encouraging Professional Help

Encourage your spouse to seek counseling, therapy, or treatment from a licensed professional who specializes in addiction treatment. Offer to connect them to these resources and explore options together, such as researching treatment facilities or contacting a therapist. Presenting a range of possibilities can reduce the overwhelming feeling of needing to change. Therapy provides a safe space for your spouse to address both the addiction and underlying triggers.

Interventions

Consider an intervention with the help of a professional interventionist. Interventions are structured conversations where loved ones express their concerns and encourage the individual to seek help. The goal is to motivate your spouse to accept assistance and enter a treatment program immediately. A professional can guide the process and ensure that the message is delivered in a constructive and compassionate manner. It may take several conversations before your spouse takes action or enters treatment.

Setting Boundaries

If your spouse is resistant to getting help, it's important to establish clear and enforceable boundaries for yourself. Define the behaviors you can and cannot tolerate. While you can provide information and support, recognize that recovery is a personal journey, and you cannot force your spouse to seek help if they are not ready.

Self-Care

Prioritize self-care during this stressful time. Engage in activities such as meditation, exercise, or new hobbies. Involve friends or family who can provide emotional support, and be honest about what they can do to help. Remember that you are not alone, and seek out peer support groups specifically for families of people who struggle with alcohol abuse. These groups can provide you with coping skills and help you respond to your spouse's drinking in a more constructive way.

Decide whether to stay or leave the relationship

Alcohol and infidelity are closely linked. Alcohol can lower inhibitions and impair judgement, leading to infidelity. Infidelity can also lead to increased alcohol consumption as a way to cope with the emotions that arise from being cheated on. This can result in a vicious cycle of alcohol abuse and infidelity, which can be challenging to break.

If you are facing this situation in your marriage, it is essential to consider your safety and well-being first. Alcohol abuse can sometimes lead to verbal or physical abuse, and it is crucial to remove yourself from a dangerous situation, even if it is financially difficult. There are resources available, such as staying with friends or family, to ensure your safety.

Once safety is addressed, the decision to stay or leave the relationship depends on various factors. Firstly, it is important to recognise that infidelity and alcohol addiction are complex issues that require professional help. Admitting there is a problem and seeking support from therapists, counsellors, or addiction treatment centres is a crucial step towards healing and saving the marriage.

If your spouse is unwilling to address the addiction, which is often the foundation for both alcohol use and infidelity, it may be challenging to restore the relationship. In such cases, it may be in your best interest to consider leaving the relationship.

However, if your spouse is willing to work on the addiction and underlying issues, there is a possibility for recovery and reconciliation. This process requires enormous support for both partners and a commitment to healing and rebuilding trust. It is important to remember that you are not obligated to stay in a relationship where you feel unsafe, unloved, or disrespected. Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave depends on your unique circumstances, the level of commitment from your spouse to change, and your willingness to forgive and rebuild the relationship.

Frequently asked questions