Vivian Marlowe
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic can be emotionally painful, stressful, and fraught with challenges. Alcoholism can profoundly shake the foundation of romantic relationships, leading to emotional turbulence, intimacy issues, mistrust, communication breakdowns, and even physical harm. Partners of alcoholics often experience a range of negative emotions, including frustration, resentment, fear, and despair. It is important to recognize the signs of alcoholism, such as impaired control over drinking, blackouts, mood swings, and prioritizing alcohol over responsibilities. If you are in a relationship with an alcoholic, it is crucial to prioritize your own physical and mental health, set healthy boundaries, and seek professional help if needed. Open communication and encouraging your partner to seek treatment are also key aspects of navigating this complex situation.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Feelings | Frustration, anger, anxiety, sadness, fear, despair, exhaustion, stress, worry, and emotional turmoil |
| Behaviours | Lying about drinking, hiding drinking, blackouts, inability to stop drinking, drinking in dangerous situations, neglecting responsibilities, increased anger, mood swings, using excuses for drinking, prioritising alcohol over responsibilities, becoming emotionally abusive, distancing oneself, breaking commitments, aggressive behaviour, financial difficulties, intimacy issues, mistrust, communication breakdowns, isolation, lack of respect, verbal abuse, physical abuse |
| Actions | Maintain a level of normality, focus on yourself and others affected, step back, take time for yourself, seek support, do not cover up for your partner, do not remain in a position where you feel unsafe, encourage your partner to seek help, consider an intervention, set boundaries, avoid enabling behaviour, seek professional help, suggest sober activities, help your partner avoid triggers, promote professional help, practice releasing control over your partner's alcohol use, do not blame yourself |
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What You'll Learn
Recognising the signs of alcoholism
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic medical condition characterised by an inability to stop or control drinking despite health, social, or professional consequences. AUD can affect not only the person with the drinking problem but also their family and loved ones. It is important to recognise the signs of alcoholism to seek appropriate help, which may include therapy and support groups.
Signs of alcoholism include an inability to regulate how much, how often, or where one drinks, an inability to stop once started, drinking at inappropriate times and places, temporary blackouts, irritability, mood swings, using excuses for drinking, and prioritising alcohol over responsibilities. Alcoholism can lead to intimacy issues, mistrust, communication breakdowns, and financial strain in relationships. It can also increase the likelihood of verbal and physical abuse.
High-functioning alcoholics may appear to have it all together, but they are still facing business and personal problems. They may be in denial about their drinking problem and believe that if they are successful and doing well financially, then they do not have an issue. Functional alcoholics may not be drunk but cannot go a day without alcohol. They may drink in secret, disappear for unexplained periods, and neglect responsibilities.
If you suspect that your partner has a drinking problem, it is important to encourage them to seek help and support them in their recovery. However, it is also crucial to prioritise your own physical and mental health and set healthy boundaries. Recognising the signs of alcoholism is the first step towards getting help and improving the situation for both yourself and your partner.
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Looking after yourself
Living with and supporting a partner who has an alcohol use disorder can be emotionally and physically draining. It can take a toll on your own health and well-being. It's important to take care of yourself and ensure you have a good support system around you. Here are some ways to look after yourself:
Maintain a sense of normality
Stick to a routine as much as possible. Go to work, eat meals, relax, and go to bed at the same time every day. This can help you feel more grounded and in control during a stressful time.
Focus on yourself and your household
Prioritize your physical and mental health and that of any other household members affected by your partner's alcoholism. Consider seeking professional help if you are experiencing mental health symptoms such as anxiety or depression.
Step back
Allow your partner to experience the consequences of their drinking. You cannot control their drinking, and trying to save them every time there's an incident will likely enable their addiction to continue.
Set boundaries
Avoid enabling behaviours such as driving your partner everywhere or bailing them out of jail. Set boundaries for yourself and your relationship to avoid enabling your partner's drinking.
Educate yourself
Learn about alcohol use disorders, including diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. This can provide you with empathy for your partner's experience and help you make informed decisions.
Seek support
Join support groups for partners of alcoholics, such as Al-Anon. Consider individual therapy to help you cope with the situation and make difficult decisions. Remember, you are not alone, and there are people who care about you and will support you.
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Setting boundaries
- Recognize the signs of alcoholism: This includes impaired control over drinking, such as being unable to regulate how much, how often, or when to drink, blackouts, irritability, mood swings, neglecting responsibilities, and prioritizing alcohol. Recognizing these signs can help you identify the need for boundaries.
- Open communication: Effective communication is crucial. Discuss issues when both of you are sober to foster better understanding and conflict resolution. Express the impact of their drinking on you and offer options for seeking help, such as counselling, treatment, or group meetings.
- Focus on yourself and your household: Living with an alcoholic can be emotionally and physically draining. Prioritize your own physical and mental health, as well as that of other household members. Take time for yourself and ensure you have a good support system.
- Avoid enabling behaviour: Enabling involves making excuses for your partner's drinking or covering up for them. Instead, set healthy boundaries and stick to them. Don't feel responsible for keeping their drinking a secret, and don't compromise your own safety or that of others.
- Don't try to control their drinking: Understand that you did not cause their drinking, and you cannot control or cure it. Rather than monitoring their behaviour or attempting to forbid them from drinking, focus on releasing control and encouraging them to seek professional help.
- Consider an intervention: Interventions may be appropriate in certain circumstances. Professionals can assist you in this process if needed.
- Seek professional help: Alcoholism is a complex condition influenced by biological and psychological factors. Seek guidance from healthcare or mental health professionals, therapy, and support groups to navigate the challenges and emotions that come with being in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Remember, setting boundaries is about taking care of yourself and ensuring your own well-being while supporting your partner's journey towards recovery.
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Seeking professional help
Alcoholism can have a profound impact on a person's life, and this extends to their partner's life, too. It can be emotionally painful to watch a loved one suffer from alcohol abuse, and it can also lead to feelings of frustration, anger, anxiety, and resentment. It is important to remember that you are not alone, and that there are people who care about you and will support you.
If your partner is an alcoholic, it is likely that you have faced many challenges and experienced a wide range of emotions. You may be worried about your partner's health, as well as your own, and the future of your relationship. You may also be taking on more responsibilities within the household and experiencing financial difficulties. It is important to take time for yourself and ensure you have a good support system in place.
Alcoholism is a chronic medical condition that can get better with treatment. However, overcoming addiction is not easy and requires a conscious decision to make changes and actively participate in recovery. Treatment for alcoholism may include therapy, group meetings, and support groups. As a partner, you can encourage your loved one to seek help and offer to connect them with these resources. You can also suggest sober activities that you can do together and consider having an intervention, although this may not be appropriate in all circumstances.
It is important to understand that you did not cause your partner's drinking, and you cannot control or cure it. While you can support your partner through their recovery, you need to prioritise your own physical and mental health, too. You may find it helpful to speak to a therapist yourself, who can help you work through the challenges of having a partner who is an alcoholic.
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Knowing when to leave
Deciding to leave a partner is never easy, and it can be especially challenging when your spouse is struggling with alcoholism. Alcoholism affects not just the alcoholic but their partner, family, and friends. It can be difficult to know when it's time to leave, but here are some signs that indicate it may be time to consider your own well-being and safety:
Emotional and Physical Exhaustion
Living with an alcoholic spouse can be overwhelming and unpredictable, and the constant uncertainty can take a toll on your mental and physical health. If you find yourself constantly on edge, feeling anxious, distressed, or even traumatised, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. The stress of dealing with an alcoholic partner can lead to feelings of exhaustion, depression, or even PTSD. It's important to recognise when the challenges of supporting your partner are impacting your own well-being.
Financial Difficulties
Alcoholism can lead to financial troubles, as the addiction may drain financial resources. If you are experiencing financial challenges due to your spouse's drinking, it may be time to consider your options.
Abuse and Unsafe Behaviour
Alcohol abuse often intersects with intimate partner violence, and you should never accept physical or emotional abuse from your spouse. If your partner becomes emotionally abusive, bullies you, criticises you, or blames you for their behaviour, it may be time to leave. Additionally, if your spouse's drinking leads them to take dangerous risks or act in ways that make you feel unsafe, your safety and well-being should be a priority.
Lack of Trust
Alcoholism can result in a breakdown of trust in a relationship. If you find yourself constantly lying or making excuses for your partner's drinking, or if they promise to change but continue drinking, it may be challenging to maintain trust.
Impact on Children
If you have children, consider their well-being. Alcoholism can cause the entire family's life to revolve around the alcoholic, and the needs of the children may be neglected. It's important to prioritise their best interests.
While there is no one-size-fits-all answer to knowing when to leave, it's crucial to prioritise your safety, well-being, and peace of mind. You are not alone in this struggle, and seeking support and guidance from professionals or organisations specialising in addiction and relationship counselling can help you make informed decisions.
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Frequently asked questions
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic medical condition characterized by an inability to stop or control drinking despite health, social, or professional consequences. Signs of alcoholism include temporary blackouts, irritability, mood swings, using excuses for drinking, and prioritizing alcohol over responsibilities. High-functioning alcoholics can be harder to identify as they can function well in social events and at work. However, they may be drinking secretly, neglecting personal commitments, and experiencing emotional side effects of alcoholism.
Alcoholism can profoundly shake the foundation of romantic relationships, leading to emotional turbulence and even physical harm. Negative outcomes may include intimacy issues, mistrust, a breakdown in communication, and financial strain. Studies indicate that heavy alcohol use can impact relationship functioning, potentially leading to conflict, separation, or divorce.
Living with an alcoholic partner can be emotionally draining and stressful. It's important to take time for yourself and ensure you have a good support system. Focus on your physical and mental health and that of other people in your household. While it's natural to want to control or stop your partner's drinking, this is unlikely to be successful. Instead, encourage them to seek professional help and consider couple's therapy.
Alcoholism is a legitimate medical condition that can get better with treatment. However, if your partner continues to abuse alcohol and does not seek help, it may be time to consider leaving the relationship. You should also seek immediate professional support if you feel that you and others in your household are physically or emotionally unsafe.
