Theo Nash
Alcohol abuse can be destructive to relationships. It can be emotionally painful to watch a partner struggle with alcohol abuse, and it may also lead to relationship dissatisfaction, instability, and verbal and physical aggression. If your partner is an alcoholic, there are several steps you can take to help them and yourself. Firstly, it is important to focus on yourself and your own physical and mental health. Seeking outside support from friends, family, or a therapist can provide you with the necessary help and guidance to cope with the situation. Additionally, educating yourself about substance use disorders and treatment options can empower you to have effective conversations with your partner and help them seek professional support. While it may be challenging, it is crucial to talk to your partner about your concerns and offer specific examples of how their behaviour has impacted you and your family. It is recommended to approach these conversations calmly and without judgement, and to avoid enabling behaviours that minimise the impact of their drinking. Together, you can create a plan and set measurable goals, but it is important to remember that recovery is a collaborative effort requiring patience and a strong support system.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| How to approach the conversation | Wait until your partner is sober, be calm, empathetic, and supportive, and avoid judgement and confrontation. |
| What to say | Be specific about your concerns and how their behaviour affects your family, and provide facts about the impact of alcohol on the body and mind. |
| What to do | Offer support, suggest activities that don't involve alcohol, consider an intervention, and seek outside support for yourself. |
| What not to do | Don't try to control or stop their drinking, don't cover up for them, don't accept blame or requests to change your behaviour, and don't rush into making a plan. |
| Self-care | Focus on your own physical and mental health, set healthy boundaries, and practice self-care activities like meditation, exercise, or new hobbies. |
| When to leave | If your partner refuses to get help, neglects their responsibilities, or engages in abusive behaviour, consider leaving the relationship. |
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What You'll Learn
Focus on yourself and your household
Living with a partner with unhealthy drinking habits can affect your mental health. Taking care of yourself is essential, too. Setting healthy boundaries and practising good self-care can help you maintain your overall well-being. Educate yourself about substance use disorders, including the diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. You can also attend Al-Anon meetings, which are fellowship groups specifically for family members of individuals struggling with addiction.
Self-care, whether emotionally, physically, or spiritually, is key to your ability to cope. It might involve activities such as meditation, exercise, or new hobbies to pursue during this stressful time. Making time for and even prioritising these activities can be beneficial. Involve friends or family that help you feel more supported. Be honest about what they can do to help and communicate this to them. Remember that you’re not in this alone. Therapy can be helpful for you to learn how to cope with a spouse that misuses alcohol. Research studies have shown that even when the spouse refuses to get help, family therapy can help you reduce stress and learn coping methods.
Do not focus your time and energy on trying to control or stop your partner’s drinking. They can’t control their drinking, so it's highly unlikely that you'll be able to change it either. Also, withdrawing from alcohol can be extremely dangerous and even life-threatening, so if your partner does decide to stop, they should access professional support to do so. Encourage them to speak to their GP or get in contact with a specialist treatment centre to discuss the best steps forward.
Do not spend your time and energy covering up for your partner. It's likely they won’t want other people to know how much they drink, but it isn’t your responsibility to help them try and keep it a secret. Do not remain in a position where you feel that you and others in your household are physically or emotionally unsafe. Alcohol addiction can be treated, but if your partner continues to abuse alcohol and does not seek help, it may be time to consider whether you should leave the relationship.
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Seek outside support
Living with a partner with unhealthy drinking habits can affect your mental health. It is important to seek outside support and build a strong support system. This can involve reaching out to friends and family, as well as seeking professional help. Here are some ways to seek outside support:
Educate yourself
Learn about substance use disorders, including diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. This knowledge will help you understand your partner's condition and make informed decisions about their care.
Join support groups
Consider joining support groups such as Al-Anon, where you can connect with people who have gone through similar experiences with alcoholic family members. These groups provide a safe space to share your struggles, receive advice, and find comfort and inspiration from others' stories.
Seek professional help
Consider seeing a therapist or counsellor to take care of your own mental health and well-being. Research studies have shown that even if your partner refuses to get help, therapy can help reduce your stress and provide you with coping strategies. Additionally, a professional can guide you on how to approach conversations with your partner about their drinking.
Contact support services
Reach out to support services such as the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline or similar organisations in your area. They can provide you with information on treatment facilities and resources to help you and your partner navigate this challenging time.
Prioritize your well-being
Take care of yourself by setting healthy boundaries and practicing self-care. This can include activities such as meditation, exercise, or pursuing new hobbies to maintain your overall well-being. Remember, you cannot control your partner's drinking or cure their alcohol use disorder. Focus on yourself and your own physical and mental health, and seek the support you need to cope with the situation effectively.
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Don't try to control or stop their drinking
Alcohol addiction is a complex issue that often requires professional intervention and support. It is important to remember that you cannot control or stop your partner's drinking. Here are some reasons why:
It's not your fault
Alcoholism is a legitimate medical condition that often requires professional treatment. Your partner's drinking is not your fault, and they would likely be battling alcohol problems regardless of whether you were in their life. Their brain chemistry may have changed to the point that they are surprised by some of their choices.
You can't control it
Your partner is likely grappling with a lot of fear and shame. They may be in deep denial or defensive about their addiction. Even they cannot control their drinking, so it is highly unlikely that you will be able to change it.
Don't enable them
Enabling your partner includes bailing them out of jail for a DUI, minimising the impact of drinking on your family, or pretending the problem doesn't exist. By doing these things, you may inadvertently be enabling their addiction to continue.
Focus on yourself
Taking care of yourself is critical. Focus on your own emotions and needs, and practice self-care. This could include activities such as meditation, exercise, or new hobbies. You can also seek outside support from friends, family, or therapy.
Encourage professional help
You can provide information and support to make it easier for your partner to seek recovery. Encourage them to speak to their GP or a specialist treatment centre. You can also suggest activities that you can do together that don't involve drinking.
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Don't cover up for them
Alcohol addiction is a complex issue that often requires professional intervention and support. It is critical to look after yourself first, even if your spouse is exhibiting worrying addictive behaviours. This involves taking care of your physical and mental health and setting healthy boundaries.
Enabling an alcoholic partner can take the form of bailing them out of jail for a DUI, minimising the impact of their drinking on your family, or pretending the problem doesn't exist. However, it is important to not cover up for them. This means not hiding their drinking problem from others and not shielding them from the consequences of their actions. Here are some reasons why:
It prevents them from facing the consequences
By covering up for your partner, you may be delaying their realisation that they need help. It is common for people with alcohol addiction to be in denial about their condition. When someone reaches a crisis point, such as getting a DUI, losing their job, or experiencing health issues, it can be a wake-up call that prompts them to seek help. If you "rescue" them from these situations, they may not fully grasp the severity of their addiction and the need for change.
It can be emotionally draining for you
Covering up for your partner's drinking problem can take a toll on your mental health and well-being. You may feel like you are walking on eggshells, constantly worried about their drinking and trying to hide it from others. This can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression. It is important to prioritise your own emotional needs and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist.
It may contribute to financial and legal issues
Alcohol addiction can have serious financial implications. Your partner may spend excessive amounts of money on alcohol, leading to unpaid bills and financial strain. Additionally, if you cover up for their drinking, you may be enabling them to continue making irresponsible financial decisions. Alcohol addiction can also lead to legal issues, such as DUIs or involvement in violent crimes. By not covering up for your partner, you can encourage them to take responsibility for their actions and seek the help they need.
It delays their path to recovery
Covering up for an alcoholic partner can delay their journey towards recovery. Recovery begins when the person acknowledges their problem and takes steps towards change. By hiding their drinking problem, you may be hindering their ability to recognise the negative impact of their addiction and delaying their motivation to seek treatment. It is important to encourage your partner to take responsibility and provide them with information and support to facilitate their recovery.
In summary, not covering up for an alcoholic partner is crucial for their path to recovery and for your own well-being. It can be challenging, but by encouraging your partner to face the consequences and seek help, you are supporting them in the long run. Prioritise your own self-care and seek support from trusted friends, family, or professionals.
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Don't feel responsible for their drinking
Alcohol addiction is a complex issue that often requires professional intervention and support. It can be emotionally painful to watch a partner fall victim to alcohol abuse, and it can take a toll on your relationship. It is important to remember that you are not responsible for their drinking.
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a diagnosable medical condition that is classified as mild, moderate, or severe. It is characterised by an inability to cut back on drinking and a tendency to drink more than intended. It is not your fault if your partner is struggling with AUD—they may be battling with an alcohol problem regardless of whether they are with you. Their brain chemistry may have changed to the point that they are surprised by some of their choices, and they may not be in control of their decision-making.
It is important to focus on yourself and your own physical and mental health, as well as that of other people in your household who are affected by your partner's drinking. Taking care of yourself is critical, and self-care, whether emotional, physical, or spiritual, is key to your ability to cope. This might involve activities such as meditation, exercise, or pursuing new hobbies. It is beneficial to make time for and prioritise these activities. It is also important to set healthy boundaries and practice good self-care to maintain your overall well-being.
You can also seek outside support by speaking with close friends and family members or joining support groups such as Al-Anon, where you can connect with others who have had similar experiences. Additionally, consider seeing a therapist to get the right level of support and stay well. Remember, there is never any reason to tolerate physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. If you feel that you or others in your household are unsafe, it may be time to consider leaving the relationship.
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Frequently asked questions
Educate yourself about alcohol addiction and treatment options. Research the diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options.
The National Institutes of Health suggest that you wait until your partner is sober and then calmly discuss your concerns. Be specific about how their behaviour has affected you and your family. Offer support and be empathetic, but do not shout, judge, or blame, or cover up for them.
You can encourage your partner to seek out counselling, treatment, group meetings, and other activities that don't involve alcohol. You can also help them access treatment services and support their recovery journey. However, remember that you cannot cure your partner's alcohol use disorder for them.
Focus on yourself and your own support network. Set healthy boundaries and practice self-care. Seek support from friends, family, or mutual-help groups like Al-Anon. Consider couples therapy or professional intervention if you wish to continue the relationship. If not, it may be time to leave, especially if you feel unsafe.
