Vivian Marlowe
Dealing with a partner's alcohol addiction can be emotionally painful, stressful, and overwhelming. It can be difficult to understand why they choose alcohol over you, but it's important to recognise that alcoholism is an illness that affects the body and brain. While it's a personal choice to stay or leave, it's crucial to prioritise your own well-being and seek support. You can encourage your partner to seek treatment and support their recovery, but ultimately, they must decide to stop drinking and take responsibility for their actions.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Alcoholism is an illness | Understand that alcoholism is a legitimate medical condition that can get better with treatment |
| It's not your fault | Remember that you are not the cause of your partner's drinking |
| Enabling is harmful | Understand that enabling is very damaging and destructive when it comes to addiction |
| Educate yourself | Learn about substance use disorders, including diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options |
| Get support | Attend a local Al-Anon group or reach out to a helpline for support |
| Be honest | Give clear examples of how your partner's alcoholism has affected you and tell them how much they drink |
| Encourage treatment | Encourage your partner to seek treatment and offer your support |
| Take care of yourself | Focus on your own emotions and needs before trying to help your partner |
| Consider leaving | If the relationship is unhealthy, abusive, or making you unhappy, it may be best to leave |
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What You'll Learn
Understand alcoholism as an illness
Alcoholism, or alcohol use disorder (AUD), is a medical condition characterised by an impaired ability to stop or control alcohol use despite adverse social, occupational, or health consequences. It is considered a brain disorder, with lasting changes in the brain caused by alcohol misuse perpetuating AUD and making individuals vulnerable to relapse.
The risk factors for developing AUD include drinking at an early age, with those who begin drinking before age 15 being more likely to develop AUD than those who start drinking at age 21 or older. Genetics and family history also play a role, with hereditability accounting for approximately 60%. However, like other chronic health conditions, AUD risk is influenced by the interplay between a person's genes and their environment.
The symptoms of AUD include spending a lot of time obtaining and consuming alcohol or recovering from hangovers, repeatedly trying to reduce alcohol intake without success, neglecting work or family obligations due to drinking, giving up important activities because of alcohol, using alcohol in hazardous situations, continuing to drink despite medical conditions or mental disorders that are exacerbated by alcohol, experiencing alcohol withdrawal symptoms, and having a high tolerance for alcohol.
AUD is a treatable condition, and most people with this disorder recover by reducing their alcohol consumption or stopping drinking altogether. Treatment options include medication such as naltrexone, acamprosate, and disulfiram, support groups, and behavioural therapies such as alcohol counselling and mindfulness-based therapies.
Understanding alcoholism as an illness can help partners of alcoholics realise that their loved one's behaviour is not a choice but a result of the disease. It can also help them recognise the need for professional help and support their partner's recovery journey. However, it is important for partners to set boundaries and prioritise their own well-being, as enabling an alcoholic partner's behaviour can be detrimental to both parties.
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Recognise the warning signs of alcohol abuse
Recognising the warning signs of alcohol abuse can help you understand whether your partner needs help. Alcohol abuse can negatively impact a person's life and cause harm. While there is no exact formula for determining whether someone is an alcoholic, symptoms often co-occur and snowball, causing further problems. Here are some of the most common signs of alcohol abuse:
- Increased tolerance and withdrawal symptoms: A person may need greater quantities of alcohol to achieve the desired effects or to function normally. They may also experience withdrawal symptoms such as nausea, mood swings, irritability, tremors, insomnia, sweating, shaking, anxiety, and inability to sleep when they try to stop or limit drinking.
- Loss of control: A person with alcohol abuse disorder may be unable to control their alcohol consumption or stop drinking despite negative consequences. They may also drink more than intended or continue drinking even if it causes health issues, relationship problems, or legal concerns.
- Neglecting responsibilities: Alcohol abuse may lead to neglecting responsibilities at work, school, or home, including neglecting children or other family members.
- Changes in behaviour and social life: Alcohol abuse can cause a person to abandon enjoyable activities, hobbies, sports, or socialising. They may also become isolated and distant from friends and family members, or experience sudden changes in their friend groups, favourite hangouts, and hobbies.
- Physical symptoms: Visible physical symptoms of alcohol abuse can include slurred speech, impaired coordination, weight loss, malnutrition, and facial redness.
- Downplaying or hiding alcohol consumption: A person with alcohol abuse disorder may downplay their drinking problem or try to hide their drinking patterns from others. They may also be defensive or display anger when questioned about their drinking.
If you recognise any of these warning signs in your partner, it is important to seek professional help and support.
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Take care of yourself first
Dealing with a partner who has an alcohol addiction can be emotionally painful and stressful. It is important to remember that their drinking problem is not your fault, and you are not to blame for their behaviour. Alcoholism is a legitimate medical condition that can get better with treatment, but the decision to stop drinking and seek help rests with them.
Taking care of yourself is critical when dealing with an alcoholic partner. Here are some ways to focus on yourself:
- Educate yourself: Learn about substance use disorders, including the diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. This knowledge will provide you with empathy for your partner's experience and help you make informed decisions.
- Seek support: Recognise that you don't have to go through this alone. Consider attending a local support group, such as Al-Anon, where you can connect with others who understand what you're going through. You can also reach out to helplines, such as the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration's National Helpline, for confidential support and guidance.
- Set boundaries: Understand that you cannot control or cure your partner's drinking. Instead, focus on setting clear boundaries and communicating your needs. Let your partner know how their drinking affects you and that you will support their recovery but cannot enable their active addiction.
- Practise self-care: Take time for yourself and engage in activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. This may include exercising, meditating, spending time in nature, or connecting with loved ones who support and uplift you.
- Address codependency: Alcoholism can create a codependent dynamic in a relationship. Recognise and challenge any enabling behaviours, such as repeatedly forgiving your partner or covering up for them. Remember that you cannot save your partner; they must make the decision to seek help themselves.
- Prioritise your safety: If your partner's drinking has led to abusive behaviour, prioritise your safety and well-being. It may be necessary to distance yourself from the relationship, especially if your partner refuses to seek help for their addiction.
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Encourage your partner to seek help
Dealing with an alcoholic partner is not easy. Alcoholism is an illness that affects the body and brain, and an alcoholic's behaviour and actions often make little logical sense to others. It is important to remember that your partner's drinking is not your fault. They have a choice in whether they continue as they are or undergo treatment to help them recover.
- Educate yourself about substance use disorders, including the diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. This knowledge can provide you with empathy for your partner’s experience and solid data to aid discussions and decisions.
- Give clear and definite examples of times when your partner's alcoholism has affected you and others. Tell them how their drinking affects you daily and the fear and stress their drinking puts you under.
- Tell them what you know about alcoholism—that it is medically recognised as a psychiatric illness and disease of the brain. That hardly anyone can recover without help and that they will only get worse over time.
- Give them hope by telling them that their condition is treatable with the right help and support.
- Encourage them to accept alcohol treatment and tell them you will support them in getting the right help, but that you can no longer support them in active addiction.
- Encourage them to tell family and close friends about their struggles with alcohol.
- Consider attending a local support group such as Al-Anon, where you can receive support from others who are worried about a loved one’s drinking.
- Reach out to a helpline such as the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s National Helpline. Calls are confidential, free, and answered 24/7, and operators can provide treatment referrals and information services for individuals and families dealing with substance use disorders.
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Know when to leave
It can be emotionally challenging to be in a relationship with a partner who has an alcohol addiction. Alcoholism is a legitimate medical condition that can get better with treatment. However, it is important to recognise that recovery requires a conscious choice to make changes and active participation in recovery.
If you are in a relationship where your partner chooses alcohol over you, it can be difficult to know when to leave. Here are some signs that it may be time to end the relationship:
- Your partner refuses to participate in activities you once enjoyed together and only wants to engage in activities involving alcohol. This can lead to a breakdown in your relationship and a lack of shared experiences.
- Alcohol may lead to domestic violence within a relationship. Research shows that partners dependent on alcohol are more likely to perpetrate violence. If you are experiencing any form of abuse, it is crucial to prioritise your safety and well-being.
- You may find yourself taking on the majority of household duties due to your partner's alcohol abuse, leading to feelings of exhaustion and overwhelm.
- Your partner's drinking may cause you constant stress and worry about their health and well-being. It is important to recognise the toll this can take on your own mental health and well-being.
- Enabling behaviour can be damaging and destructive when it comes to addiction. Examples of enabling include calling in sick for your partner, continually forgiving them, or giving them endless chances without consequences. While your intention may be to protect them, it is important to understand that only they can make the decision to seek help and recover.
- Your partner's drinking may result in a lack of support, respect, and love in the relationship. You may feel resentful, bitter, or helpless, and it is essential to recognise the negative impact this can have on your self-worth.
If you are considering leaving a partner who chooses alcohol over you, it is important to seek support for yourself. This may include attending support groups, such as Al-Anon, or reaching out to helplines specifically designed to provide guidance and resources for individuals dealing with a partner's alcohol abuse. Remember, the decision to leave is a personal one, and it is crucial to assess your own emotions, needs, and safety when making this decision.
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Frequently asked questions
It is important to remember that your partner's drinking problem is not your fault. Alcoholism is an illness that affects the body and brain. Your partner alone is responsible for their recovery. If they are ready to seek treatment, there are resources available such as rehab centres, therapy, support groups, and treatment facilities.
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic medical condition characterised by an inability to stop or control drinking despite health, social, or professional consequences. If your partner refuses to participate in activities they once enjoyed and only wants to spend time in activities involving alcohol, they may have a drinking problem.
Educate yourself about substance use disorders, including diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. You can provide information and support to make it easier for your partner to seek recovery. However, it is critical to take care of yourself first and look after your own emotions and needs.
You cannot control or cure your partner's drinking problem. If they are not interested in stopping, you can change the way you deal with them and set boundaries. Make it clear that you will support their recovery but not their active addiction.
If your partner's drinking has led to abuse, you should consider leaving the relationship. Your safety is paramount. Reach out to a helpline or local support group for help.
