Vivian Marlowe
Alcohol addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease that causes long-lasting brain changes, making it difficult for someone to stop drinking. It is natural for parents to feel concerned, angry, confused, and worried about their adult child's alcohol use. While parents may not have the same control over their adult children as they did when they were younger, they can still provide support and stress the need for treatment. It is important to understand the difference between helping and enabling. Helping involves providing a service or doing a favour for someone incapable of doing it themselves, whereas enabling involves doing things the person is capable of and responsible for doing. Parents can encourage their adult child to seek professional treatment and offer assistance in finding support groups, rehabilitation programs, or other support services. It is also crucial to set boundaries and hold the adult child accountable for their actions and behaviours.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Natural emotions | Concern, anger, confusion, helplessness, worry |
| Enabling behaviours | Helping your child hide their drinking, providing excuses for drinking, buying alcohol, agreeing that they are not ready for treatment, providing financial support |
| Treatment options | Professional treatment, rehabilitation programs, support groups, behavioural therapy, detoxification |
| Parental actions | Encouraging treatment, setting boundaries, focusing on emotions, listening, understanding, separating the child from the addiction, learning about alcoholism |
| Support groups | Al-Anon Family Groups, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Nar-Anon |
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What You'll Learn
Understand the signs of alcoholism
Alcohol addiction, or Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), is a chronic relapsing disease that causes lasting brain changes, making it very hard for someone to stop drinking. It is a common medical condition, and people with AUD can't stop drinking even when it negatively affects their health, safety, and personal relationships.
- They are spending most of their time drinking or recovering from the effects of alcohol.
- They are neglecting their responsibilities, including their children, work, or family obligations.
- They are experiencing family, work, or relationship problems because of their drinking.
- They exhibit sudden mood swings or changes in personality.
- They engage in secretive or suspicious behaviours.
- They have bloodshot eyes or strange smells on their breath.
- They express a desire to cut down on their alcohol consumption but are unable to do so.
It is important to remember that alcoholism is a disease, and your adult child's drinking problem is not a reflection of your parenting. You may feel angry, confused, or helpless, but you can play a crucial role in encouraging your child to seek help and supporting them in their recovery journey.
If you suspect your adult child is struggling with alcoholism, it is essential to separate the child from the addiction. Offer your love and support while holding them accountable for their actions and behaviours. Be prepared to set boundaries and provide information about treatment options, support groups, and rehabilitation programs.
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Learn about treatment options
As a parent, it is natural to feel concerned about your adult child's alcohol use and want to help them. Alcohol addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease that causes lasting brain changes, making it difficult for someone to stop drinking. It is diagnosed as Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD). If your adult child is struggling with alcohol addiction, there are several treatment options available:
- Education and understanding: Educate yourself about alcohol addiction and how it affects the brain. Understanding that your child has a disease can help you better support them during their recovery journey.
- Encourage treatment: Encourage your child to seek professional treatment. Offer to help them find rehabilitation programs or support groups specifically designed for young adults battling addiction.
- CRAFT approach: If your child refuses treatment, consider the CRAFT approach, a type of time-limited behavioural therapy designed to support family members and increase the likelihood of the affected person seeking treatment. Consult a qualified psychologist or mental health professional to learn more about this approach.
- Support groups: Suggest that your child join a recovery support group, such as Nar-Anon, where they can meet peers who have also been impacted by addiction. These groups provide a safe and supportive environment for sharing experiences and learning from others in similar situations.
- Sober living communities: Consider sober living housing communities, such as the Miracle House Foundation in Los Angeles, which offer structured environments and life coaching to help individuals struggling with alcoholism achieve long-term sobriety.
- Detoxification programs: The first step in treating alcoholism often involves going through a detoxification program to rid the body of alcohol toxins. This can be done in a medical facility under professional supervision.
Remember, recovery requires personal accountability. While you can offer support and encouragement, your adult child must ultimately take responsibility for their actions and make the choice to seek treatment.
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Provide emotional support
If your adult child is struggling with alcohol addiction, it is understandable to feel angry, confused, worried, helpless, or hopeless. Alcohol addiction is a chronic relapsing disease that causes lasting brain changes, making it very hard for someone to stop drinking. It is not simply a matter of willpower or being "strong enough" to quit.
- Understand the disease: Educate yourself about alcohol addiction and how it affects the brain. Learn about the signs of alcoholism and the treatment options available. This will help you better understand what your child is going through and what you can do to support them.
- Separate the person from the addiction: Remember that your child is not their addiction. You can love your child and hate their addiction. This distinction is important to provide unconditional love and support while not enabling their addictive behaviours.
- Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries to protect yourself and your family while holding your child accountable for their actions. For example, you can tell your child that they are not welcome in your home when they are under the influence. It is important to show them the consequences of their actions while continuing to urge them to seek treatment.
- Avoid enabling behaviours: Enabling your child's addiction may feel like an act of kindness, but it keeps them from taking responsibility for their recovery. Examples of enabling behaviours include providing financial support that may be used for alcohol, helping your child hide their drinking, or providing excuses for their behaviour. Instead, encourage your child to accept responsibility and seek treatment.
- Encourage treatment and support groups: Offer to help your child find rehabilitation programs, support groups, or other support services. Suggest joining a recovery support group where they can meet peers who have been impacted by addiction and share their experiences in a safe environment.
- Practice self-care: Supporting a loved one's recovery can be emotionally challenging. Prioritize self-care by engaging in activities that bring you joy and spending time with positive influences. Consider joining support groups for parents of addicted children, such as Nar-Anon, to connect with others going through similar experiences and learn strategies for healing.
- Communicate effectively: Choose a time when your child is sober and in a private setting without distractions to express your concerns. Focus on how their behaviour is impacting you and your family, rather than casting judgment or blame. Listen to their perspective and try to understand their struggles.
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Encourage accountability
As a parent, it is natural to feel concerned about an adult child's alcohol use and want to help them. Alcohol addiction is a chronic relapsing disease that causes lasting brain changes, making it hard for someone to stop drinking. While parents may feel angry, confused, helpless, and worried about their child's future, it is important to remember that this behaviour is a sign of illness and not a reflection of their parenting.
Enabling an alcoholic child involves creating an environment where they feel comfortable continuing their unacceptable behaviours. Examples of enabling behaviours include providing financial support that may be misused, helping your child hide their drinking problem, providing excuses for their drinking, and agreeing that they are not ready for treatment. While it may seem like an act of kindness, enabling is partnering with your child in keeping them sick. It is important to separate your child from their addiction—you can love your child but hate their addiction.
To encourage accountability, it is necessary to hold your adult child accountable for their actions and behaviours. This involves setting boundaries and showing them the consequences of their actions. For instance, if your child is acting out at family gatherings or constantly borrowing money, you can choose not to welcome them into your home when they are under the influence. Instead of giving them money, you can offer to buy them groceries or other forms of assistance that will help them move towards recovery.
It is also important to understand the difference between helping and enabling. Helping involves providing a service or doing a favour for your child that they cannot do themselves, whereas enabling is doing something they could and should be responsible for. While it may be challenging, setting boundaries will strengthen your relationship and allow both parties to start healing.
In addition to holding your child accountable, it is crucial to provide emotional support and urge them to seek treatment. You can suggest that they join a recovery support group, where they can meet peers impacted by addiction in a safe environment. You can also learn about the available treatment options and offer to help your child find rehabilitation programs or other support services. However, remember that you cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves.
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Avoid enabling behaviours
Alcoholism is a disease, and it can be devastating to watch your adult child slip into active addiction. It is only natural to want to help and support them. However, it is crucial to avoid enabling behaviours, which can cause harm to both you and your child. Enabling your child means rescuing them from the consequences of their substance use, which may prevent them from recognizing the need for change.
Enabling behaviours can include giving your child money, which they may use to buy alcohol or other non-essential items, bailing them out of jail, or calling in sick to work for them. You may also be tempted to provide unpaid childcare while they are out partying with friends, which indirectly enables their addiction. Enabling behaviours also include providing financial and legal assistance related to DUIs and DWIs, such as hiring an attorney for them.
To avoid enabling your child, set clear boundaries. For example, you may choose to set rules such as not allowing them in your home when they are under the influence, not allowing drinking in your home, and not accepting disrespectful behaviour or blame for their problems. You can offer support when they choose to seek treatment, but you should not continue to pay their living expenses while they are actively feeding their addiction.
It is also important to separate your child from their addiction. You can love your child and hate their alcohol addiction. Communicate to your child how their actions are affecting you, and hold them accountable for their actions and behaviours. Remember that your child is an adult with the power to make their own choices. Do not blame yourself for their drinking.
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Frequently asked questions
Some signs that your adult child may be struggling with alcohol addiction include:
- Spending most of their time drinking or recovering from the effects of alcohol.
- Having family, work, or relationship problems due to their drinking.
- Bloodshot eyes or strange smells on their breath.
- Engaging in secretive or suspicious behaviours.
- Neglecting their responsibilities, including their children.
It is important to remember that you cannot force an adult child to seek treatment if they are not ready. However, you can try the CRAFT approach, which is a type of time-limited behavioural therapy designed to support family members and increase the odds of their loved ones seeking treatment. You can also offer to help your child find support groups, rehabilitation programs, or other support services.
It is important to understand the difference between helping and enabling. Helping your child involves providing a service or doing a favour for them because they do not have the capability to do it themselves. Enabling, on the other hand, involves doing things that your child is capable of doing and should be responsible for doing themselves. To support your child without enabling them, you can set boundaries, hold them accountable for their actions, and offer emotional support. You can also encourage them to join a recovery support group, where they can meet peers who have gone through similar experiences.
