Arielle Cruz
Living with an alcoholic partner can be emotionally and physically draining, and it can be challenging to know when to leave a relationship with an alcoholic. It is important to remember that it is not your job to cure your partner's alcoholism, and that you should focus on your own physical and mental health. If you are considering leaving your partner, it may be helpful to first try having a conversation about their drinking. When approaching this conversation, it is important to remain calm and avoid shouting, judging, or blaming. Pick a time when your partner is in a good mood and not under the influence of alcohol, and write down what you want to say to help you stay calm.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Do not try to control or stop their drinking | Alcoholics cannot control their drinking, and it is highly unlikely that you will be able to change it either |
| Do not shout, judge or blame | This could cause them to retreat further into their addiction |
| Do not accept that you are the reason for their drinking | Alcoholics would be battling with an alcohol problem whether or not they were with you |
| Do not rush into coming up with a plan | Even if they say that they're going to cut down or stop drinking, this can be difficult |
| Do not focus only on the alcoholic | Concentrate on your and your family's physical and mental health |
| Do not neglect yourself | Take time for yourself and ensure you have a good support system |
| Do not cover up for them | Allow natural consequences to occur, which can push the alcoholic towards overcoming addiction |
| Do not neglect your own support | Reach out to a support group or a mental health professional |
| Do not be afraid to leave | If your partner refuses treatment, it may be time to consider leaving the relationship |
| Do not give up on them too soon | Set clear boundaries, encourage them to seek help, and share how their behaviour impacts you |
| Do not drink with them | This could send a confusing message |
| Do not force them to join activities that make them uncomfortable | Suggest alcohol-free activities you can do together |
| Do not criticise every time they drink | Continue to talk to the person and encourage them to share how they are feeling |
| Do not use judgemental or unkind words | Use specific examples to show how their drinking had consequences |
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What You'll Learn
Picking the right time to talk
Picking the Right Time
It is important to choose a time when your loved one is in a good mood and not under the influence of alcohol. Avoid bringing up the topic first thing in the morning or when they have a hangover, as they may be more irritable or less receptive to your concerns. Wait for a moment when they seem relaxed and open to conversation. This could be while you are sharing a meal, going for a walk, or engaging in an activity together.
Planning What to Say
Before initiating the conversation, take time to write down your thoughts and concerns. Consider specific examples of how their drinking has impacted them or those around them. Think about how their alcohol consumption makes you feel and how it affects your relationship with them. Expressing your feelings using "I" statements can help convey your concern without sounding accusatory. For example, you could say, "I am worried about your health because of your drinking. I've noticed that you've been sleeping more during the day, and I want to support you in making some changes."
Empathy and Understanding
Approach the conversation with empathy and understanding. Recognize that your loved one may be struggling with a complex mix of emotions and that admitting a problem with alcohol can be difficult. Try to see things from their perspective and acknowledge any underlying issues they may be facing, such as stress or pressure. Statements like "I know you've been under a lot of pressure at work lately, and I'm worried about how it's affecting you" show that you are trying to understand their experience.
Avoid Judgement and Blame
It is crucial to avoid using judgemental or unkind words during the conversation. Refrain from blaming or shaming your loved one for their drinking. Instead, focus on expressing your concern for their well-being and your desire to support them. Remember that alcoholism is a complex disorder, and your loved one may need professional help to make lasting changes.
Prepare for Resistance
Keep in mind that your loved one may not be ready to acknowledge their problem with alcohol, and they may resist your attempts to help. They might feel defensive, upset, or guilty about their drinking. Be prepared for potential pushback, and don't take their initial reaction personally. It often takes multiple attempts for a person with an alcohol use disorder to successfully quit.
Remember, the goal of this conversation is to express your concern, offer support, and encourage your loved one to reflect on their relationship with alcohol. By choosing the right time and approaching the conversation with empathy and understanding, you can create a safe and non-judgemental space for your loved one to share their thoughts and feelings.
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Don't shout, judge or blame
Don't shout, judge, or blame
It is important to remember that the person you are talking to is likely grappling with a lot of fear and shame. Approaching the conversation in a negative way could cause them to retreat further into their addiction.
Do not use words that are judgmental or unkind. Instead, use specific examples to show how their drinking has had consequences. For instance, you could say: "I was looking forward to watching the film with you and I was really disappointed when you stayed in the pub", or "I felt scared last night when you were shouting after drinking". Avoid having a verbal fight or repeating the same argument. If they refuse to talk, leave it for a while.
Do not accept blame or take things personally. It is common for someone with an alcohol use disorder (AUD) to try to blame their drinking on circumstances or those around them. For example, they might say: "The only reason I drink is because you..." It is important not to accept this blame. Remember, this is not your fault, and the person would be battling with an alcohol problem whether or not you were in their life.
Do not focus your time and energy on trying to control or stop your partner's drinking. This is not something that even the person dependent on alcohol can control, so do not believe that you can fix it for them.
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Focus on yourself and your household
Loving someone with an alcohol use disorder (AUD) can be challenging and stressful. It can be difficult to know how to minimise conflict, support your loved one, and tend to your own needs. Here are some ways to focus on yourself and your household while dealing with an alcoholic:
Educate Yourself
Understand that AUD is a chronic but treatable condition. Learn about the signs of AUD, such as physical changes like bloodshot eyes, alcohol on their breath, increased sleep, or an unsteady gait. Also, be aware of behavioural changes such as frequent anger, secrecy about their alcohol use, and loss of interest in relationships or activities. Recognise that AUD is not a choice or a character flaw but a common medical condition that can affect anyone.
Take Care of Yourself
It's important to look after yourself while helping someone with a drinking problem. Make time to do things you enjoy and find fulfilling. Don't neglect your own needs and well-being. Remember, it's not your responsibility to "cure" their AUD. The person with the alcohol dependence needs to take responsibility for their recovery, often through professional treatment.
Set Boundaries
Don't enable their behaviour or accept unacceptable actions. Understand that your loved one's drinking problem may lead to them behaving in ways that you might initially brush off as a result of their drinking. However, over time, the behaviour may worsen, and you may find yourself accepting more and more unacceptable behaviour. Set clear boundaries and don't compromise your values or expectations to accommodate their drinking.
Practice Self-Care
Protect your mental health and emotional well-being. Dealing with a loved one's alcohol problem can be emotionally draining and stressful. Don't take their actions or words personally, and free yourself from blame. Recognise that their words and actions are influenced by their addiction and may not reflect their true feelings or intentions.
Seek Support
Consider seeking support from family members or friends who can help create a positive environment. Organise alcohol-free trips, occasions, and events to show that it's possible to have fun without alcohol. Find support groups or counselling services specifically for friends and family members of alcoholics. These can provide you with valuable guidance, resources, and emotional support.
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Don't try to control or stop their drinking
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic but treatable condition that often requires professional treatment. It is characterised by an impaired ability to stop or control alcohol use despite adverse social, occupational, or health consequences. It is important to remember that you cannot control or stop their drinking—not even the person dependent on alcohol can do that.
People with AUD might be embarrassed to discuss their condition, believing they should be strong enough to handle it alone. AUD is not a choice or a character flaw, but a common medical condition that can happen to anyone. It is a progressive disease that gets worse until the person suffering from it seeks help.
It is not your responsibility to "cure" their AUD. You are likely to need professional treatment to help your loved one get healthy again. Treatment for AUD can include counselling, support groups, and medication. It is important to remember that it may take more than one conversation with a person who has an alcohol use disorder to encourage them to seek help.
Focus on your concern for your loved one's drinking. Remember to use "I" statements that express your feelings, concerns, and the ways that you are impacted by their alcohol use. Explain that you are worried about their health and be empathetic and understanding. You could say, "I know you've been having a hard time at work and you've been feeling more pressure. I am concerned about your alcohol use. I've noticed that I'm increasingly worried when you come home late at night and I don't know where you've been."
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Seek support for yourself
Living with or loving someone with an alcohol use disorder (AUD) can be difficult. It can be hard to know what to do to minimize conflict and stress, support your loved one, and tend to your own needs at the same time. You might feel helpless to change anything at all. However, certain things can be done to relieve the pressure and, in some cases, also help your loved one start their path to recovery.
Firstly, it is important to remember that it is not your responsibility to "cure" their AUD. They just happen to be someone you love who is probably going to need professional treatment to get healthy again. That's their responsibility, not yours. Treatment for AUD can include counseling, support groups, and medication.
Secondly, it is important to know when to step back. Loving someone with AUD often feels like walking a tightrope. There will be good days, hard days, and "not sure I can keep dealing with this" days. While love alone can't fix the problem, there are things you can do to support your loved one while protecting your own well-being. Do not forget to free yourself from blame, do not take things personally, and do not enable their behavior.
Thirdly, do look after yourself and try to find time to do things you enjoy. Friends and family members can organize trips, occasions, and events that are alcohol-free. This can show that you can enjoy yourself without alcohol.
Finally, there are many resources available to help you. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) Alcohol Treatment Navigator offers expert guidance to focus and support your efforts. You can also call the National Helpline for Mental Health, Drug, and Alcohol Issues to speak to trained information specialists who can answer your questions and connect you with local assistance and support.
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Frequently asked questions
Pick a time when they are in a good mood and not under the influence of alcohol. Avoid approaching them first thing in the morning or when they have a hangover. Write down what you will say to stay calm and avoid saying something you may regret. Focus on yourself and your household's physical and mental health.
It is important to remember that it is not your fault or your job to cure your partner's alcoholism. They may need to hit a crisis point before they admit they have a problem. You can encourage them to share how they are feeling and give them positive reinforcement.
You can contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for information on support and treatment facilities in your area. You may also consider attending a local Al-Anon group for support.
