Vivian Marlowe
Being married to an alcoholic can be a challenging, overwhelming, and isolating experience. It can lead to a breakdown in communication, trust issues, and emotional distance. Alcoholism is a disease that not only affects the individual but also their spouse and family members. It's important to recognise the signs of alcoholism and seek help when needed. Living with an alcoholic spouse can trigger feelings of self-blame, attempts to control their drinking, and enabling behaviours. It is crucial to remember that you are not alone and that support is available. Prioritising self-care and setting healthy boundaries are essential steps in coping with an alcoholic spouse.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Feelings | You may feel helpless, frustrated, overwhelmed, depressed, or hopeless |
| Self-care | Prioritize your emotional well-being, practice self-care, and seek therapy |
| Support | Find support from friends and family, and join a support group for people who love alcoholics |
| Communication | Communicate your needs and expectations clearly and effectively |
| Boundaries | Set healthy boundaries, such as not tolerating abusive behavior and not covering for your spouse's drinking |
| Enabling | Avoid enabling behaviors such as making excuses for your spouse's drinking or bailing them out of DUI charges |
| Blame | Do not blame yourself for your spouse's drinking, and do not let them place blame on you |
| Control | Do not try to control or stop your spouse's drinking, as this is unlikely to be effective |
| Intervention | Consider an intervention with the help of professionals to encourage your spouse to seek treatment |
| Safety | If you feel unsafe, prioritize your safety and seek professional support |
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What You'll Learn
Recognise the signs of alcoholism
Recognising the signs of alcoholism in a partner can be difficult, especially if they are in denial or trying to hide their drinking. Alcoholism, or Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), is a chronic, relapsing brain disorder that can lead to significant health problems and negative life consequences. Here are some signs that your spouse may be struggling with alcoholism:
- They are unable to limit or control their drinking. They may set a limit for themselves but are unable to stick to it. For example, they may say they will only have two drinks, but this turns into seven. They may also push to keep drinking even after others are ready to stop.
- They are suffering negative consequences from their drinking, such as DUI arrests, job loss, or failure in school, but they deny that their drinking is the cause, blaming external factors instead.
- They make risky or rash decisions while under the influence, such as insisting on driving drunk, leaving with a stranger, or getting into physical fights.
- They experience physical and emotional symptoms of alcohol withdrawal when they haven't had a drink, such as trembling hands, sweating, irritability, anxiety, depression, or nausea.
- Their entire social life revolves around alcohol. They are enthusiastic about events where alcohol is available and tend to avoid ones that do not. They may also drink to relieve stress or to cope with problems or negative emotions.
- They are drinking much more than they used to in order to get the same effect, or finding that their usual number of drinks is no longer effective.
- They give up on activities they used to enjoy in order to drink instead.
- They get into situations while drinking that increase their risk of injury, such as driving, swimming, or walking in dangerous areas.
- They are experiencing problems in their relationships, work, or school due to their drinking.
- They are showing changes in personality or behaviour, such as becoming aggressive or violent while under the influence.
If you recognise several of these signs in your spouse, it may be an indication that they are struggling with alcoholism. It is important to approach them in a supportive and non-judgmental manner and encourage them to seek professional help.
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Take care of yourself
Living with an alcoholic spouse can be emotionally and mentally exhausting. It can affect your emotional, financial, and personal well-being. It is therefore crucial to take care of yourself and prioritize your emotional well-being. Here are some ways to do that:
- Maintain a level of normality: Stick to a family routine as much as possible. Go to work, eat meals, relax, and go to bed at the same time every day.
- Focus on yourself and your household: Concentrate on your physical and mental health, as well as that of others in your household who are affected by your spouse's alcoholism.
- Step back: It is important to understand that you cannot control or cure your spouse's alcoholism. Trying to save them every time there is an incident will likely enable their addiction. They may need to hit rock bottom before they recognize the need for change.
- Take time for yourself: Ensure you have a good support system of friends and family. Engage in self-care activities like exercise or meditation, and consider seeking therapy for yourself.
- Set boundaries: Clearly and assertively communicate your needs and expectations. Boundaries may include not tolerating abusive behaviour, not covering for your spouse's drinking, and not enabling their behaviour.
- Seek professional help: Contact a mental health professional or a support centre, such as The Berman Center or The Right Step, to help you navigate the challenges of having an alcoholic spouse.
- Join a support group: Consider joining a support group for spouses of alcoholics. This can help you share your feelings and build a social network to avoid feelings of isolation and depression.
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Set boundaries
Setting boundaries is essential when dealing with an alcoholic spouse. It is critical to communicate your needs and expectations clearly and assertively. Remember that you did not cause their drinking, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
Firstly, it is important to not enable their behaviour. Enabling behaviours include covering for your spouse's drinking, making excuses for them, bailing them out of jail for a DUI, minimising the impact of their drinking on your family, and pretending the problem does not exist. While it may be tempting to try to protect your spouse, enabling their behaviour will only make it harder to set firm boundaries and recognise they have a problem and seek help.
Secondly, do not tolerate abusive behaviour. Alcohol abuse can lead to emotional and physical abuse, and abuse is rooted in control. If your spouse is abusive, it is important to prioritise your safety and the well-being of your children. Call someone you trust or a domestic violence hotline to help you plan the safest way forward.
Thirdly, focus on yourself and your own needs. Living with an alcoholic spouse can be emotionally and mentally exhausting, and it is important to take care of your own physical and mental health. Find support from friends and family, engage in self-care activities like exercise or meditation, and seek therapy if needed.
Finally, encourage your spouse to seek help. Offer to connect them to resources such as counselling, treatment, and group meetings. Suggest activities you can do together that don't involve alcohol. While it is important to support your spouse on their journey to recovery, remember that you cannot force them to get better.
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Seek professional help
Alcoholism is a complex disease that can have devastating consequences not only for the individual but also for their spouse and family members. It can lead to a breakdown in communication, a loss of trust, and emotional distance within a relationship. Living with an alcoholic spouse can be emotionally and mentally exhausting, and it is critical to address the problem before it becomes more severe. Seeking professional help is a crucial step in managing the situation and supporting your spouse's recovery journey. Here are some ways to seek professional assistance:
Recognise the Signs of Alcoholism:
Firstly, it is important to recognise and acknowledge the signs of alcoholism in your spouse. Some common symptoms include unpredictable behaviour, broken promises, financial instability, emotional distance or abuse, and reckless or dangerous behaviour. Recognising these signs is the first step in seeking help.
Encourage Professional Treatment:
Alcohol addiction is a chronic condition characterised by an inability to control drinking habits, even when they negatively impact one's health, relationships, and daily life. Encourage your spouse to seek professional treatment, including counselling, therapy, group meetings, or specialised addiction treatment centres. Offer to connect them with these resources and support them in taking the first steps towards recovery.
Consider an Intervention:
An intervention can be a powerful tool to confront your spouse about their alcohol misuse. It involves gathering their closest loved ones to discuss the impact of their drinking and encourage them to seek help. While it may be a challenging conversation, professionals can assist you in navigating this process effectively.
Seek Individual Therapy:
Living with an alcoholic spouse can take a toll on your own mental health and well-being. Consider seeking individual therapy to address any feelings of depression, anxiety, or emotional distress you may be experiencing. Therapy can provide you with a safe space to process your emotions and develop strategies to cope with the challenges of having an alcoholic partner.
Join Support Groups:
Consider joining support groups specifically designed for spouses or loved ones of alcoholics. These groups offer a sense of community, allowing you to connect with others who understand your struggles. Sharing your experiences and learning from others can provide valuable emotional support during this difficult time.
Prioritise Your Well-being:
While supporting your spouse is essential, prioritising your own physical and mental well-being is crucial. Take time for self-care activities like exercise, meditation, or hobbies that bring you joy. Maintain a support system of friends and family who can provide emotional support and help you navigate the challenges of living with an alcoholic spouse.
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Offer help and support
Living with an alcoholic spouse can be emotionally and mentally exhausting, and it can be challenging to cope with the constant uncertainty and challenges that come with the disease. Alcoholism affects not only the individual but also their spouse and family members. It can lead to a breakdown in communication, a lack of trust, and an erosion of intimacy. It is essential to recognize the signs of alcoholism and seek help as soon as possible. Here are some ways to offer help and support:
- Encourage treatment and counselling: Suggest that your spouse seek professional help, such as counselling, treatment centres, or group meetings like Alcoholics Anonymous. Offer to connect them with these resources and support them throughout the process.
- Suggest alternative activities: Propose activities that you can do together that do not involve alcohol. This can help your spouse find healthier coping mechanisms and rebuild your relationship.
- Consider an intervention: If your spouse is in denial about their alcoholism or is unwilling to seek help, an intervention might be necessary. Interventions can be tricky, so consider seeking professional guidance to ensure a safe and effective approach.
- Open and honest communication: Communicate your concerns about their alcohol misuse and how it affects you and your family. Express your desire to support them in seeking help, but also set clear boundaries and expectations.
- Avoid enabling behaviour: Enabling your spouse might seem helpful in the short term, but it ultimately perpetuates the problem. Avoid making excuses for their drinking, calling their workplace to cover for them, or bailing them out of legal consequences related to their drinking. While it may be challenging, setting boundaries and holding them accountable can be crucial steps in their recovery.
- Support groups: Joining a support group for spouses or family members of alcoholics can provide you with a community of people who understand your struggles. These groups can offer guidance, emotional support, and strategies for coping with the challenges of having an alcoholic spouse.
Remember, while you can offer help and support, your spouse's recovery ultimately depends on their willingness to acknowledge the problem and commit to treatment. Taking care of yourself and seeking your own support system is also essential in navigating this challenging situation.
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Frequently asked questions
Living with an alcoholic spouse can be emotionally and mentally exhausting. It is important to take time for yourself and ensure you have a good support system. Focus on your own physical and mental health and that of other people in your household.
Enabling behaviours include covering for your spouse's drinking, making excuses for them, bailing them out of jail, minimising the impact of their drinking on your family, and pretending the problem doesn't exist. To stop enabling, set healthy boundaries and stick to them. Don't cover for your spouse or make excuses for them.
Communication is key. Open a conversation with your partner about their alcohol misuse and communicate the impact it is having on you and your family. Offer to connect them with resources such as counselling, treatment, and group meetings. Remember that you cannot control or cure their drinking.
If your spouse is abusive, your safety is the priority. Call someone you trust or a domestic violence hotline to help you plan the safest way forward.
