Lena Savoie
Watching your adult child struggle with alcoholism is devastating for any parent. It can be challenging to know how to help your child without enabling them. While you cannot force an adult child to stop drinking or seek treatment, there are several ways to support them and encourage them to get help. It's important to remember that alcoholism is a disease, and your child needs support and understanding during this difficult time.
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What You'll Learn
Encourage them to seek help, but be patient as it may take time
As a parent, it is challenging to witness your adult child struggle with alcohol addiction and you may feel helpless and hopeless. While you cannot force your child to seek help, there are several steps you can take to encourage them to do so. Firstly, it is important to remember that your child is an adult and you do not have the same control you had when they were younger. However, you can still express your love and concern in a non-judgmental and supportive way.
When having conversations about their alcohol use, try to avoid confrontations, belittling, accusatory, or blaming language. Instead, express your concerns directly and empathetically using "I" statements, such as "I understand that you are struggling, but I am concerned about you". Focus on concrete examples of their behaviour and the consequences, such as the impact their drinking has on their children. It is important to listen to their thoughts and concerns without interrupting and to provide a safe space for them to express their emotions.
You can also encourage your child to consult their doctor for an evaluation, help them research treatment centres, and offer to participate in family therapy. Remember that it may take time and repeated attempts for your child to be ready to seek help, as it is not easy for someone to admit they have a problem. Avoid issuing ultimatums or threats, and do not lecture or criticise them, as this may cause them to become defensive and less willing to listen.
While you may want to help your child, it is important to avoid enabling their addiction. Enabling includes giving them money, bailing them out of jail, calling in sick to work for them, lying to others or making excuses for them, and paying their bills. Instead, set healthy boundaries that protect you and let your child know what you will and will not tolerate. For example, you could say "I will not lie to friends or family about your drinking anymore". By setting boundaries, you can help your child take responsibility and see the need to seek help, while also prioritising your own feelings and needs.
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Avoid enabling them by setting healthy boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is a crucial aspect of helping an alcoholic child. It's important to remember that boundaries are not about controlling or changing your child's behaviour but about establishing how you want to be treated and preserving your well-being. Here are some ways to avoid enabling your child's alcoholism by setting healthy boundaries:
Identify Your Boundaries:
Firstly, you must identify what your boundaries are. This involves determining your tolerance for the situation and what behaviours you consider unacceptable. For example, you might decide that you will not be around your child when they are intoxicated or that you will not provide them with money that could be used for alcohol.
Communicate Your Boundaries:
Once you know your boundaries, communicate them to your child in a clear, calm, and concise manner. Use "I" statements to express your concerns and be direct without being confrontational. For instance, you could say, "I will not be able to provide you with money anymore, as I don't want to enable your drinking."
Provide Examples of Unacceptable and Acceptable Behaviours:
When setting boundaries, it can be helpful to give specific examples of behaviours that you will not tolerate, such as lying, stealing, or driving under the influence. Additionally, identify acceptable behaviours to provide a clear framework for your child.
Prioritize Your Emotional Well-being:
Setting boundaries is also about prioritizing your emotions and preventing your child from projecting their feelings onto you. Recognize and accept any feelings of shame, guilt, or blame that may arise when setting boundaries.
Maintain Your Boundaries:
Once you've set your boundaries, it's crucial to maintain them. Your child may try to test or bend these boundaries, especially if they are still actively drinking. Remember that you are not responsible for their actions or the consequences of their behaviour.
Focus on Self-Preservation:
In a chaotic or unsafe environment, your priority should be self-preservation. If your child's behaviour becomes dangerous or if they refuse to respect your boundaries, you may need to distance yourself from the situation or enlist additional help.
Remember, setting healthy boundaries is an act of self-care and can also help your child see the need for change. It is not about punishment but about creating a path towards healthier relationships for both of you.
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Educate yourself about alcoholism and its effects
Educating yourself about alcoholism and its effects is crucial when dealing with an alcoholic child. Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) is a medical condition characterized by an inability to stop or control alcohol consumption despite negative consequences. It's not simply a matter of willpower or strength, but a brain disorder that can be treated. Understanding this medical aspect is essential for recognizing that your child likely cannot control their alcohol use, despite the negative impact on their health and life.
The effects of alcoholism are far-reaching and can be devastating. Alcoholism can destroy relationships, break apart families, and ruin careers. It not only impacts the alcoholic but also their loved ones, especially children growing up in such an environment. Children of alcoholics often experience emotional, behavioral, and academic problems, and their risk of developing an addiction is four times higher than their peers. They may also be at a higher risk of suffering from abuse, witnessing domestic violence, and marrying an addict later in life.
When a child grows up around alcoholism, they may feel confused, disappointed, and as if their life is spiraling out of control. They may internalize the chaos and blame themselves for their parent's drinking, leading to low self-esteem and feelings of shame. This can cause them to keep the family secret and affect their ability to communicate their feelings and make healthy choices. It's important to understand that children in these environments may see alcohol abuse as normal and acceptable, increasing their risk of substance abuse themselves.
Educating yourself about the signs of alcoholism and its impact on your child can help you identify the need for treatment and support. Look for signs such as rationalization, making excuses, hiding their drinking, and other secretive or harmful behaviors. Additionally, be aware of the potential genetic and environmental factors that may increase your child's risk of developing an alcohol problem. Understanding these factors can help you address the issue early on and seek appropriate professional help.
Remember, it's crucial to approach this from an age-appropriate standpoint. When speaking to younger children, emphasize safety and create a safe space for them to share their feelings and fears. For older children, avoid lecturing about substance abuse, and instead, focus on open and honest conversations about the dangers of alcohol and the impact it can have on their lives.
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Express your concerns directly and compassionately
As a parent, it is normal to feel scared, angry, or confused if your child is struggling with alcohol addiction. However, it is important to remember that you can still play a significant role in helping your child make better choices. Here are some ways to express your concerns directly and compassionately:
Prepare in advance:
Write down your concerns and how you feel about your child's alcohol use. This will help you organize your thoughts and feelings and ensure you stay on track during the conversation.
Choose an appropriate time:
Ensure that both you and your child are sober during the conversation. Being calm and clear-headed will help you communicate your concerns more effectively and allow your child to better receive your message.
Use "I" statements:
Express your concerns using direct but empathetic "I" statements. For example, say, "I understand you are struggling, but I am worried about you." This approach conveys your concern while also acknowledging their challenges.
Be direct and specific:
Focus on concrete behaviors and their consequences. Instead of vague accusations, be specific about what you have observed and how it affects you, them, and others. For example, say, "I notice you come home drunk, and it upsets the children."
Listen without interrupting:
After expressing your concerns, give your child an opportunity to respond without interruption. Ask them how they are feeling and if there is anything you can do to help. Listening demonstrates your support and willingness to assist them in seeking solutions.
Encourage professional help:
Suggest that they consult a doctor or therapist, or offer to help them research treatment options. Recognize that admitting a problem and seeking help can be difficult, so be patient and offer ongoing encouragement.
Remember, the goal is to approach the conversation with compassion and a genuine desire to understand and support your child. While it may not be easy, expressing your concerns directly is an important step in helping your child address their alcohol addiction.
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Provide ongoing support during and after rehab
It is important to remember that you cannot force an adult child to stop drinking or seek treatment, and that recovery is a process that takes time. Here are some ways you can provide ongoing support during and after rehab:
Before Rehab
- Research treatment options: Learn about the different types of treatment, such as detox, inpatient rehab, and outpatient rehab, and the factors that may influence the most suitable setting for your child.
- Encourage treatment: Offer resources and support for professional help, such as therapy or rehab. Provide information without pressuring your child, and let them take part in the decision-making process.
- Check insurance and financial assistance: Help your child understand the cost of treatment and what options are covered by insurance or available at a reduced cost.
- Offer to accompany them: If your child feels overwhelmed, offer to go with them to their first appointment or meeting.
- Set clear boundaries: Establish firm limits on what you will and will not accept, such as refusing to give money or allow drinking at home.
- Provide emotional support: Be available to talk and offer guidance without enabling their behaviour.
During Rehab
- Maintain a positive attitude: Support your child's recovery by maintaining a positive and affirming attitude.
- Visit the treatment facility: Participate in family events or family therapy for addiction treatment.
- Encourage mutual support groups: Encourage your child to participate in support groups, such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA), and provide transportation when needed.
- Avoid using substances in front of your child: If your child will live with you after treatment, do not keep substances in your home or use them in front of your child.
After Rehab
- Continue to provide emotional support: Be there for your child as they navigate their recovery and encourage them to seek additional help if needed.
- Avoid expecting immediate change: Recovery is a process, and setbacks are common. Do not assume that one conversation will be enough to convince them to quit drinking or that completing rehab will permanently solve their addiction.
- Understand the challenges of recovery: Recognize that your child may struggle and face challenges during their recovery journey.
- View relapse as a normal part of recovery: Instead of seeing relapse as a failure, understand that it is a common occurrence and does not mean that treatment didn't work.
- Seek support for yourself: Join a support group or seek counselling to help you navigate your child's addiction and recovery.
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Frequently asked questions
It is important to remember that confrontations are not always the best way of helping. Try to remember that you’re coming from a place of love and concern, and that’s the best way to encourage your child to start the healing process. It’s probably not going to be easy to have the conversation, but preparing yourself in advance can help. Write down your concerns in a list and refer to it during the conversation to help you stay on track. Be direct but empathetic, for example, say, “I understand that you are struggling, but I am concerned about you.”
Avoid enabling your child. This can cause harm to both you and your child as they will not face the consequences of their substance use. Examples of enabling include giving them money, bailing them out of jail, calling in sick to work for them, lying to others or making excuses for them, and paying their bills.
You can encourage them to consult their doctor for an evaluation, help them research treatment centers, offer to go to family therapy, or give them whatever support is necessary. Be patient and don’t give up hope. It could take a few tries before they’re ready to seek help. Remember that it’s not easy for someone to admit that they have a problem.
When your child is a grown adult, you do not have the same control you had when they were young. You generally can’t force an adult to stop using alcohol or seek treatment. However, there are still things you can do to provide support and stress the need for treatment. Alcoholism is a disease, so learn as much as you can about how it affects the brain to better understand what you can do to support your child.
Helping your child deal with alcohol addiction can be challenging and impact your own well-being. Remember that you didn’t cause your child’s addiction and that you have needs that are just as valid as anyone else’s. It is important to take care of yourself and get the support you need.
