Lena Savoie
Dealing with a loved one's alcohol abuse can be challenging and distressing. Alcoholism affects not just the person drinking but also their family and friends. It can be difficult to know what to do to support your loved one and tend to your own needs simultaneously. It is important to remember that you are not alone and that you have options. Your safety and well-being are top priorities, and if you are experiencing abuse of any kind, you should consider removing yourself from the situation. This can be a difficult choice, and there may be logistical barriers to leaving, but your health and safety must come first.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Emotional | Shame, fear, anger, self-blame, guilt, confusion |
| Financial | Financial instability, personal finances, personal credit |
| Safety | Physical safety, mental safety, emotional safety |
| Health | Mental health, physical health |
| Behaviour | Unpredictable behaviour, angry outbursts, aggression, violence |
| Family | Neglecting responsibilities, mistreatment, abuse, dysfunctional family life |
| Legal | Legal difficulties |
| Treatment | Rehab, treatment providers, recovery, intervention |
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What You'll Learn
Recognise the signs it's time to leave
Alcohol addiction, or alcohol use disorder (AUD), is a complex and chronic condition that goes beyond simply drinking too much. It is marked by an inability to control drinking habits, even when drinking causes harm to mental and physical health, relationships, and daily life. If you are in a relationship with an alcoholic, you may experience a range of challenges, and it is important to recognise when it may be time to leave for your own well-being.
One of the signs it's time to leave is when your partner's alcohol addiction is impacting your physical and emotional well-being. Alcohol addiction can bring broken promises, emotional distance, and financial instability. You may find yourself constantly worrying about your partner's well-being, dealing with the fallout from their actions, and picking up the slack when they neglect responsibilities. Over time, the stress and emotional strain can wear you down mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Another sign is when your partner's drinking leads to emotional or physical abuse. Alcohol addiction can result in verbal and physical aggression, with harsh words, criticisms, and humiliating comments. Manipulation is also common, including guilt-tripping and gaslighting, which can leave deep emotional scars and affect your sense of self.
Financial strain is another indicator that it may be time to leave. Alcohol addiction can cause financial difficulties due to missed work, reckless spending, and the cost of maintaining the addiction. This can lead to financial instability and strain on your resources.
Additionally, if your partner is unable or unwilling to recognise their drinking as a problem and seek help, it may be time to leave. Denial and avoidance are common responses among functioning alcoholics. While it is not easy to leave, it is important to prioritise your own well-being and safety.
Lastly, if you have children, it is crucial to protect them from unacceptable behaviour and the negative impact of growing up in a household with alcohol abuse.
Remember, there is no shame in admitting that your experience with an alcoholic partner is traumatic and damaging. Your feelings are justified, and it is essential to find support during this process, such as therapy or counselling, to help you heal and stay committed to your decision.
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Prioritise your safety and well-being
Living with an alcoholic can be scary and unpredictable. Alcohol clouds judgment and makes behaviour erratic, which can be challenging to deal with, especially when it's your partner or a family member. The constant uncertainty can heighten anxiety, trigger emotional distress, and lead to long-term psychological or physical trauma. It is important to remember that you are not alone, and your safety and well-being should be top priorities.
If you are experiencing abuse, whether it is sexual, physical, emotional, or mental, it might be time to leave. Financial worries, love, and hope for change can make it difficult to leave, but your safety should come first. If you are a minor, seek help from a trusted adult, school counsellor, or youth support groups. If you are an adult, you can also seek help from support groups or hotlines, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
To navigate this challenging situation, it is important to set healthy boundaries. This includes having your own space, maintaining physical and emotional boundaries, and not engaging with the alcoholic when they are intoxicated. It is also important to avoid getting into arguments or trying to reason with them, as their judgment and comprehension may be impaired. Instead, try to remain calm and non-confrontational, speaking in a soft and soothing tone.
If your loved one is open to treatment, you can find a time to discuss different options with them or consider staging an intervention. You can also contact a treatment provider together to learn more about rehab options. Taking the first step toward change can start the journey toward healing for both you and your loved one. Remember, you don't have to go through this alone, and seeking help is a sign of strength.
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Set boundaries and seek support
Setting boundaries and seeking support are crucial steps when dealing with an alcoholic with a scary temper. Here are some detailed instructions to help you navigate this challenging situation:
Identify Your Needs and Boundaries:
Start by identifying your needs and what is important to you. Determine your tolerance level and what behaviours are unacceptable to you. For example, you might decide that you will leave as soon as your loved one has one drink, or you might feel okay as long as they stick to drinking wine. It is essential to be clear about your boundaries to effectively communicate them.
Communicate Your Boundaries:
Once you have established your boundaries, communicate them clearly and directly to your loved one. Be specific and provide examples of behaviours that you will not tolerate, such as being spoken to disrespectfully, lying, stealing, or driving under the influence. You can be firm while still communicating in a compassionate and empathetic manner.
Enforce Consequences:
Setting boundaries is just the first step; enforcing them is equally important. Decide on reasonable consequences if your boundaries are crossed. These consequences could include distancing yourself from the person, cutting off financial support, or even filing a restraining order if necessary. It is crucial to follow through with these consequences to hold your loved one accountable and protect yourself.
Seek Support:
Recognise that you don't have to go through this alone. Seek emotional support from other trusted adults, counsellors, or support groups specifically for friends and family members of alcoholics, such as Al-Anon or Alateen. Additionally, consider reaching out to professional treatment providers or rehab centres that offer family therapy programs to help you rebuild your relationship and establish healthier boundaries.
Prioritise Your Safety:
Remember that your safety and well-being are paramount. If you feel threatened or unsafe, do not hesitate to leave the situation immediately. If your loved one becomes physically or verbally abusive, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the police for assistance.
Maintain Your Boundaries:
Stay firm in maintaining your boundaries. People struggling with addiction may try to push against these boundaries, but it is essential to uphold them for your well-being and to help your loved one understand their impact on others.
Remember, setting boundaries is an act of self-care and a necessary step to protect yourself and support your loved one's journey towards recovery.
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Understand relapse is common
Relapse is a common occurrence when dealing with alcohol problems. It is important to understand that relapse is not a sign of weakness or failure. Instead, it is a normal part of the recovery process and can be an opportunity to learn more about the triggers that lead to alcohol use.
Research has shown that 40% to 60% of people dealing with substance abuse disorders relapse within a year. This is often due to the high levels of stress and negative emotions that recovering alcoholics experience, which can increase cravings and the risk of relapse. Additionally, the easy availability and prevalence of alcohol in society pose a constant risk of relapse.
There are several warning signs that can indicate a person is at risk of relapsing. These include negative emotional responses such as anger, moodiness, anxiety, and erratic eating and sleeping habits. A person may also start to withdraw from social interactions and their support systems, and doubt the effectiveness of their recovery process. Recognizing these warning signs early is crucial to preventing a relapse.
To help prevent relapse, it is important to create an environment conducive to sobriety. This includes removing alcohol-related items from the home, encouraging new hobbies and activities, and providing a strong support network of friends, family, and professional services. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is also an effective tool, as it teaches individuals how to manage negative thinking patterns and develop coping skills.
If a relapse occurs, it is important to remember that it is a temporary setback and not a moral failure. The individual should reconnect with their support systems and treatment providers, and recommit to their self-care and recovery plans. Relapse can be an opportunity to learn from mistakes, identify triggers, and make any necessary adjustments to the treatment plan.
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Focus on your and your children's health
Living with an alcoholic partner can be emotionally draining and scary, especially if they have a scary temper. It can be painful to watch someone you love fall victim to alcohol abuse, and you may be worried about their health and well-being. You may also be exhausted from having to pick up more of the household responsibilities. It is important to focus on your and your children's health and well-being during this time.
Firstly, it is crucial to understand that you are not the cause of your partner's alcoholism, nor can you cure them. Alcoholism is a disease, and it is treatable. Your partner may be in denial about their addiction, which is common, but you can approach the situation calmly and non-defensively, sharing how their drinking has negatively impacted you and your family. You can also carry out research to gain a better understanding of alcohol addiction and treatment options available.
Secondly, focus on your physical and mental health. Take time for yourself and ensure you have a good support system in place. Seek outside support from friends, family, or a therapist. Joining a group such as Al-Anon can also provide valuable support, as you will be able to connect with others who have had similar experiences. Remember, your safety and well-being are top priorities, so if you feel threatened or unsafe, remove yourself from the situation.
If you have children, it is important to safeguard their mental health and safety. Ensure they have a supportive and responsible adult they can count on and encourage them to seek emotional support from school counsellors or youth support groups such as Alateen. Children of alcoholic parents have a higher risk of being abused and developing an addiction themselves, so it is crucial to prioritise their well-being.
Finally, set healthy boundaries with your partner. This can include having your own space, maintaining physical and emotional boundaries, and not engaging with them when they are intoxicated. Remember, you cannot control or stop your partner's drinking, but you can take steps to protect yourself and your children.
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Frequently asked questions
Leaving an alcoholic partner is a major step, but if you are experiencing any form of abuse, it is imperative to put your safety and well-being first and remove yourself from the situation. If you have children, it is especially important to take the necessary steps to safeguard their mental health and safety.
If you are staying in the home out of fear, whether that be fear of your partner's reaction, fear for your safety, or fear about finances or where you will live, it is time to leave. If your partner refuses to seek help or even discuss their drinking, it is also time to leave.
Accessing your GP is a good place to start as they can connect you to the appropriate local services to design a care plan. It is also important to set new and firm boundaries and seek ongoing support through counselling, self-help groups, or friends and family.
