Vivian Marlowe
Loving someone with an alcohol use disorder (AUD) can be challenging, and it's important to understand that you cannot control their behaviour. The first step is to recognise that alcoholism is a disease and separate the person from the disease. While it's not your responsibility to cure their AUD, there are things you can do to support your loved one while also protecting your own well-being. This includes seeking professional help through support groups, therapy, and intervention. It's crucial to learn about addiction and how it impacts the sense of self, as alcoholics often struggle with self-love and can be self-absorbed. Remember, it's not your fault, and it's common for people with AUD to blame their drinking on others. Enabling their behaviour will only encourage them to continue, so allowing the consequences of their actions to play out can help break the cycle.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Understand the disease | Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) is a primary, chronic, and progressive disease that can be fatal |
| Recognise the signs | Lying about drinking, regularly blacking out, drinking in dangerous situations, neglecting responsibilities, increased tolerance, and experiencing withdrawal are some common signs of AUD |
| Seek professional help | Professional help is recommended through support groups, therapy, counseling, and intervention |
| Join support groups | Support groups like Al-Anon provide knowledge and guidance for families and loved ones of alcoholics |
| Set boundaries | Understand that you cannot control the alcoholic's behaviour, but you can control yourself; don't enable their destructive behaviour |
| Encourage treatment | Medication-assisted treatment options, including talk therapy and prescribed medications, are available for addiction recovery |
| Focus on self-care | Strengthening yourself through self-care and therapy can better equip you to support your loved one's recovery |
| Separate the person from the disease | According to Al-Anon, it is possible to love an alcoholic but hate the disease of alcoholism |
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What You'll Learn
Understand the disease and the person
Understanding the disease and the person is a crucial step in knowing what to do when loving an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a primary, chronic, and progressive disease that sometimes can be fatal. It is a form of substance use disorder, which can be caused by underlying mental health concerns such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, high-stress occupations, or a family history of substance use disorders. Alcoholics may also suffer from codependency and self-loathing, and are unable to love themselves while in active alcohol addiction. This can lead to narcissistic behaviour, with alcoholics demanding everyone's attention through victimization, manipulation, and being overly dramatic.
It is important to separate the person from the disease. Alcoholics are often unable to control their drinking, no matter how hard they try. Their brain chemistry may have changed to the point that they are surprised by some of the choices they make, and they may not be in control of their decision-making. It is common for alcoholics to try to blame their drinking on circumstances or those around them, but it is important not to buy into this.
Alcoholics will likely need outside help to recover from their addiction. Treatment options include medication-assisted treatment, talk therapy, support groups, and medication. It is recommended to seek professional help, such as a consultation with a professional drug and alcohol interventionist, to create a plan for recovery.
It is also important to understand that you cannot control your loved one, but you can control yourself. You should not try to enable their behaviour by getting them out of trouble, covering it up, lying for them, or lending a helping hand. Instead, allowing the consequences of their drinking to play out can help stop the cycle from repeating.
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Don't enable their behaviour
Loving someone with an alcohol addiction can be emotionally painful and challenging. It can be difficult to know how to help your partner without enabling their behaviour. Here are some suggestions on what not to do if you want to avoid enabling your partner's alcoholism:
Don't try to control or stop their drinking
You may be tempted to try to control or stop your partner's drinking, but it's important to remember that they can't control their drinking, so it's highly unlikely that you'll be able to change it either. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that gets worse over time, and your partner's brain chemistry may have changed to the point that they are surprised by some of the choices they make. Instead of trying to control their drinking, focus on taking care of yourself and getting support for yourself.
Don't accept their destructive behaviours
Alcoholism can lead to destructive behaviours such as lying, hiding their drinking, regularly blacking out, neglecting responsibilities, and struggling to maintain healthy relationships. You don't have to accept these behaviours. If you don't accept them, it's important to act sooner rather than later, as the longer you wait, the harder it will be to make changes. You may need to give your partner an ultimatum to seek treatment or enter recovery or else you will leave.
Don't make excuses or enable their behaviour
Making excuses for your partner's drinking or enabling their behaviour will only prolong the problem. This includes things like giving them money, which can indirectly support their drinking habit. Instead, set clear boundaries and encourage them to seek professional treatment. Remember that you can't fix or manage your partner's behaviour, but you can control yourself and your reactions.
Don't take their behaviour personally
Alcoholics often place blame on others for their drinking, but it's important to remember that their drinking is not your fault. They are in control of their actions, and their behaviour is a result of their disordered relationship with alcohol. Don't let their actions make you feel worthless, and don't accept any requests to change your behaviour to accommodate their drinking.
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Seek professional help
It is important to remember that you cannot control your loved one's behaviour, but you can control yourself. Substance use disorder is a chronic and progressive disease that can sometimes be fatal, and your loved one will likely need outside help. Treatment for Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) can include counselling, support groups, and medication.
There are many forms of professional help available for families and partners of people with AUD. Consider having a consultation with a professional drug and alcohol interventionist, who can help you create a plan for your family's recovery. Intervention is highly effective and can provide an accurate assessment of the severity of the problem, as well as addressing the effect on the family.
Support groups such as Al-Anon can be incredibly helpful, as they are designed for the families and loved ones of alcoholics. Al-Anon is a 12-step program, based on the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. These groups can provide a wealth of knowledge about what to do when loving an alcoholic, and help you separate the person from the disease.
Therapy can also be beneficial, helping you work through the hardships of having a loved one recovering from alcoholism. A therapist can also empower you to reach your own goals and improve your overall well-being.
Remember, it is not your responsibility to "cure" your loved one's AUD. You need to support yourself as well, and the stronger and healthier you are, the better equipped you will be to help yourself and your loved one.
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Don't take it personally
Loving someone with Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) can be incredibly difficult, and it's important to remember that it's not your fault. Alcoholics often try to blame their drinking on those closest to them, but it's important not to take this personally or accept blame for their behaviour. Their addiction is not your responsibility to fix, and you should not feel guilty or ashamed.
Alcoholism is a disease that alters brain chemistry and function, and it's common for those with AUD to be surprised by their own choices and actions. They may not be in control of their decision-making, so try not to take their broken promises and lies personally. Remember, they are not in control of their actions and will drink regardless of your actions or words.
It's important to set boundaries and enforce consequences for your own mental and physical well-being. You can still love and support your partner while understanding that their addiction is not your fault or responsibility. Focus on yourself and your needs, and don't be afraid to reach out for support.
It can be helpful to learn about the effects of alcohol and the signs of misuse so that you can have an informed conversation with your partner about their drinking. Choose a quiet time when you're both well-rested and clear-headed, and express your concern for their health and well-being. Remember that change takes time, and your partner may be defensive or in denial about their addiction.
You might suggest concrete next steps, such as local Alcoholics Anonymous meetings or treatment facilities, and encourage them to seek help. However, it's important to remember that recovery is their responsibility and that you cannot force them to change. Focus on yourself and your well-being, and don't take their actions or words personally.
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Take care of yourself
Dealing with a loved one's drinking problem can be emotionally draining and take a toll on your health and well-being. It is crucial to take care of yourself and get the required support. Here are some ways to do that:
Don't take it personally
Your loved one's drinking problem is not your fault, and you are not to blame for their behaviour. Try not to take their words or actions personally. It is common for people with alcohol use disorder (AUD) to blame their drinking on circumstances or those around them. Understand that they might not be in control of their decision-making due to changes in their brain chemistry.
Don't enable their behaviour
Enabling your loved one involves behaviours such as covering up for them, making excuses, bailing them out of jail, minimising the impact of their drinking, or pretending the problem doesn't exist. While it may seem like helping, enabling shields them from facing the consequences of their drinking. Instead, hold them accountable for their actions and encourage healthier ways to cope with stress, such as exercise, confiding in others, or meditation.
Set boundaries and focus on yourself
Taking care of your emotional and mental health is essential. Make sure you don't neglect your own needs and well-being. Eat healthily, exercise, and get enough sleep to manage stress effectively. Practise self-care and seek support from trusted friends, family, a therapist, or support groups like Al-Anon, specifically designed for families dealing with a loved one's alcohol abuse.
Understand you can't control them, but you can control yourself
Accept that you cannot control your loved one's drinking or force them to change. Instead, focus on what you can control—yourself. Understand that you have choices and don't have to tolerate unacceptable behaviour. If you have children, protect them from exposure to unhealthy behaviours and negative comments, which can have lasting impacts on their psyche.
Prepare for relapses
Recovery is an ongoing process that requires time and patience. Prepare for relapses, but don't blame yourself when they occur. Offer to accompany your loved one to appointments, group meetings, or counselling sessions, and create a concrete plan with them for their recovery journey.
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Frequently asked questions
Some common warning signs of alcoholism are lying about or hiding drinking habits, regularly blacking out after drinking, being unable to stop once they start drinking, drinking in dangerous situations, neglecting responsibilities, struggling to maintain positive and healthy relationships, experiencing withdrawal when trying to stop drinking, and trying to quit but being unable to.
It is important to understand that you cannot control your partner's behaviour. However, you can encourage them to seek professional help. This could involve attending support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings or entering inpatient alcohol addiction treatment programmes. You can also suggest medication-assisted treatment options, which may include talk therapy and prescribed medications to cope with emotions. Additionally, you can provide emotional support by expressing your love and concern and letting them know you are there for them.
If your partner is in denial about their alcoholism or refuses to seek help, it may be necessary to stage an intervention. This involves gathering family and friends to confront your partner about the impact of their drinking and encourage them to accept treatment. You may also need to set boundaries and give them an ultimatum, such as seeking treatment or ending the relationship. Remember that you cannot force your partner to change, but you can control your own actions and decisions.
Alcoholism is typically treated through a combination of therapy, counselling, support groups, and medication. Research suggests that it often takes two to five attempts for a person to successfully quit. Treatment may also involve addressing any underlying mental health issues or trauma that may be contributing to the alcoholism.
Loving an alcoholic can be emotionally challenging and stressful. It is important to prioritise your own well-being by seeking support, whether through therapy, support groups such as Al-Anon, or confiding in trusted friends or family members. Educate yourself about addiction and the recovery process, and remember that you are not alone in this journey. Set boundaries and detach yourself from your partner's behaviour to avoid enabling their alcoholism. Focus on your own self-care, including managing stress, maintaining healthy relationships, and engaging in activities that promote your physical and mental well-being.
