Coping With An Alcoholic Mother: Denial And You

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that can have a profound impact on the individual as well as their family, particularly children. It can cause feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, anger, and frustration, and these negative emotions can be concealed as a defence mechanism, creating a sense of denial. This dynamic is challenging when the alcoholic is a parent, as their child may feel responsible for their drinking and believe it is their fault. It is important to remember that alcoholism is an illness and that the child is not to blame. Dealing with the problem openly and honestly is crucial, and seeking outside help from doctors, therapists, and support groups can aid both the alcoholic and their family in their recovery.

Recognise the signs of alcohol addiction

Alcohol addiction can be challenging to identify, as it can look different from person to person. Some people with alcoholism may appear to be functioning well at work and in their relationships. However, there are some recognisable signs and symptoms of alcohol addiction to look out for if you are concerned about your mother's drinking.

Behavioural signs of alcohol misuse can include impaired judgment, inappropriate sexual behaviour, aggressiveness, mood changes, and depression. Alcohol addiction can negatively impact relationships and a person's work and home life. You may notice your mother neglecting personal care, having frequent accidents, or missing work or other responsibilities due to drinking. Alcoholics may also ask family members to cover up their drinking by calling in sick for them or borrowing money.

Physical signs of alcohol misuse can include recurrent intoxication, which can range from reduced coordination to more severe and dangerous symptoms such as suppressed breathing, slowed heart rate, and lowered body temperature. Heavy drinking over time can cause an inflamed stomach lining, leading to indigestion, nausea, and bloating.

If you are concerned about your mother's drinking, it is important to remember that alcoholism is an illness and that you are not responsible for her drinking or for fixing the problem alone. It can be helpful to speak to someone you trust and seek support for yourself as well as thinking about how to approach your mother about your concerns.

Understand the impact on yourself and your family

Dealing with a parent's alcohol abuse can be challenging and painful for the entire family. Alcohol use disorder (AUD) affects not only the person drinking but also their family members. The impact of having an alcoholic parent can be far-reaching and significant for children, even into adulthood.

Children with alcoholic parents often learn to hide their emotions as a defence mechanism. They may conceal negative emotions such as sadness, anger, embarrassment, shame, and frustration, creating a sense of denial to feel safe. This suppression of emotions can lead to a shutdown of all emotions in adulthood, making it difficult to express positive emotions as well. Alcoholism in the family can also contribute to issues with self-image, as children may not receive an accurate perception of themselves from their parents. As a result, they may struggle with confidence, social comparison, feedback interpretation, self-doubt, and accepting help.

Growing up in an alcoholic household can increase the risk of substance use disorders and PTSD in children. The instability and chaos caused by a parent's alcoholism can lead to feelings of guilt, distrust, shame, low self-esteem, and an increased need for control and maturity in children. These individuals may also develop an increased sense of responsibility and empathy as they try to cope and survive in a challenging environment.

It's important to remember that alcoholism is a progressive disease that tends to worsen over time until the person seeks help. Family members should refrain from covering up or making excuses for the alcoholic's behaviour, as this enables them to continue their destructive patterns. Instead, dealing with the problem openly and honestly is crucial. Enabling behaviours prevent the person from facing the consequences of their actions and hinder their path to recovery.

The impact of a parent's alcoholism can disrupt family life and lead to financial and legal difficulties, as well as abuse and neglect within the family. It's essential to understand that alcoholism is an illness, and professional help is often required for recovery. Family members should not feel responsible for their parent's drinking problem and should seek support for themselves as well. Support groups, therapy, and other resources are available to help families cope with the challenges of having an alcoholic parent.

Learn how to talk to your mother about her drinking

Dealing with a parent's alcoholism can be challenging and it's important to remember that it's not your fault. Alcoholism is an illness, and your mother will need a doctor or medical professional to help her get better. Here are some tips on how to talk to your mother about her drinking:

Prepare for the conversation

Before you talk to your mother, take some time to prepare. Choose a time when your mother is not drinking and you are both calm and focused. Pick a place that is quiet, safe, private, and where your mother will feel comfortable. It's important to approach the conversation from a place of love and support, rather than accusation or judgement.

Use "I" statements and ask open-ended questions

Instead of saying "You have a drinking problem" or "You're an alcoholic," try saying "I am concerned about your drinking" or "I think your drinking may be putting your health at risk." Starting your statements with "I" expresses your concern without sounding accusatory. Ask open-ended questions like "I've noticed you've been drinking more lately. Why do you think I'm worried about this?" This type of question invites a conversation rather than a defensive response.

Mention specific instances or events

Provide specific examples of your mother's drinking behaviour and how it has impacted you. For instance, you could say, "I've noticed that you often drink when you get home from work and it concerns me." Mentioning specific instances can help your mother understand your perspective and the effects of her drinking on those around her.

Keep a calm and supportive tone

It's important to express your concerns in a caring and non-confrontational manner. Avoid emotional appeals that may increase feelings of guilt or the compulsion to drink. Remember that your mother may react with denial, anger, or defensiveness. Don't take negative reactions personally and don't attempt to threaten, punish, or bribe. Give your mother time and space to process your concerns and come to terms with the problem.

Offer advice and resources

Instead of ultimatums, offer your mother steps she can take to address her problem. Provide her with information about treatment options, support groups, helplines, or the option to talk to a doctor or counsellor. Remember, you cannot force your mother to stop drinking, but you can offer her the support and resources she needs to seek help.

Remember, it's normal to feel overwhelmed and it's important to take care of yourself during this process. Reach out to a trusted friend, relative, or a support group to share your feelings and get the help you need.

Get support for yourself and your family

Dealing with a parent's alcohol abuse can be challenging and painful for the whole family. It can trigger a range of emotions, including shame, fear, anger, and self-blame. It is important to remember that you are not alone and that support is available.

If you are a child or young person living with an alcoholic parent, you may feel a range of emotions, including embarrassment, anger, sadness, shame, and frustration. You may also feel responsible for your parent's drinking problem, but it is crucial to understand that alcoholism is an illness, and your parent needs professional help. You can speak to someone you trust, such as another family member, a school counsellor, or a youth support group like Alateen. Building good emotional habits is essential; therapy or support groups can help you develop these habits and learn how to avoid the risk of substance use disorders yourself.

If you are an adult child of an alcoholic parent, you may still struggle with the effects of growing up in an alcoholic household, including issues with self-image, confidence, social comparison, boundaries, and self-doubt. It is important to be honest with yourself and acknowledge the impact of your childhood trauma. You can explore your past history to let go of denial and grieve your trauma, connecting the past with the present to establish a sense of direction. Support groups or therapy can provide a safe space to process these emotions and experiences.

For spouses, siblings, or other family members of an alcoholic, it can be challenging to know how to help. It is important to remember that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and your loved one needs professional treatment. You can encourage them to open up about the reasons behind their alcohol abuse and consider staging an intervention with other family members. However, do not attempt to threaten, punish, bribe, or preach, and do not take any negative reactions personally. Remember to set clear boundaries and focus on your own well-being during this difficult time.

While it may be instinctive to try to "'help'" your loved one by covering up their drinking or making excuses for them, this is enabling behaviour that prevents them from facing the consequences of their actions. Instead, deal with the problem openly and honestly, and encourage them to seek treatment. Remember that you cannot fix the problem alone, and your loved one's recovery is ultimately their responsibility.

Help your mother get professional help

Dealing with a parent's alcohol abuse can be challenging and painful. Alcoholism is an illness that can affect a person's health and change the way they act, causing problems at home and work. It is important to remember that it is not your fault and that you need not deal with it alone. Here are some steps to help your mother get professional help:

Recognise the signs of alcoholism

Firstly, it is important to recognise the signs of alcoholism. Alcohol use disorder (AUD) can manifest in various ways, including neglecting responsibilities, financial and legal difficulties, and relationship issues. Your mother may be drinking more than intended, lying about alcohol consumption, or drinking to cope with stress. Some people with alcoholism may not display many symptoms and may seem to be functioning well in various areas of their lives.

Encourage open conversations

When addressing your mother's alcohol abuse, choose a safe, private, and comfortable setting. Try using phrases that start with "I" to express your concern, such as, "I'm worried about you." Ask open-ended questions, mention specific instances, and stick to positive language, avoiding labels like "alcoholic." It may take multiple attempts to have a meaningful conversation, so give your mother time and space to process your concerns.

Offer support and encourage professional help

It is crucial to understand that your mother needs outside help. Offer your support, but also encourage her to seek professional assistance. You can suggest therapy or counselling services, or even recommend support groups specifically for individuals struggling with alcohol abuse, such as Alcoholics Anonymous. Remember that recovery is a process, and it may take time for your mother to acknowledge and address her drinking problem.

Consider a family intervention

If you feel uncomfortable addressing the issue alone, consider staging a family intervention. Ensure that everyone involved approaches the conversation from a place of caring rather than accusation. It is essential to remain supportive and non-judgmental during this process.

Seek support for yourself

Dealing with a parent's alcoholism can trigger various emotions, including shame, anger, and guilt. It is crucial to take care of yourself during this challenging time. Seek emotional support from trusted adults, counsellors, or youth support groups specifically designed for children of alcoholic parents, such as Alateen. Remember that you are not alone, and there are resources available to help you navigate this difficult situation.

Frequently asked questions