Confronting An Alcoholic Father: Denial And Steps To Take

Alcohol use disorders, commonly known as alcoholism, affect millions of people worldwide. Alcoholism can severely and negatively impact an individual's life, and this impact extends to their families, especially children. Children of alcoholic parents often struggle with guilt, low self-esteem, and the inability to express emotions. They may also be at a higher risk of developing an alcohol use disorder themselves. Dealing with an alcoholic parent can be challenging, and seeking support from experts and support groups is crucial. It is important to remember that alcoholism is not the child's fault, and they should not feel responsible for their parent's drinking problem. Having an honest and compassionate conversation with an alcoholic parent about seeking treatment can be a crucial step towards recovery.

Recognise the signs of alcoholism

Recognising the signs of alcoholism in a parent can be difficult, especially if they are in denial. Alcoholism, or alcohol use disorder (AUD), is a common medical condition where a person cannot stop drinking, even when it negatively affects their health, safety, and personal relationships. Here are some signs that may indicate your father is struggling with alcoholism:

• Craving alcohol and being unable to reduce consumption. A person with AUD may spend a lot of time drinking, obtaining alcohol, or recovering from hangovers. They may also drink more than they intended or for longer periods than intended.
• Continuing to drink despite negative consequences. This includes drinking when it affects personal relationships, work obligations, or social activities. Alcoholism can cause individuals to neglect their responsibilities and fail to meet obligations at work, home, or school.
• Drinking in hazardous situations or when it exacerbates medical or mental health conditions. AUD can lead to individuals engaging in risky behaviour and disregarding their health and safety.
• Experiencing alcohol withdrawal symptoms or drinking to avoid withdrawal. Withdrawal symptoms can include anxiety, tremors, sweating, nausea, and insomnia.
• High tolerance for alcohol, which may result in drinking larger amounts or more frequently to experience the desired effect.
• Negative impact on emotions and behaviour. Alcoholism can affect a person's mood and behaviour, leading to irritability, depression, or aggression. They may become secretive or lie about their drinking habits.

It's important to remember that recognising the signs of alcoholism in a parent can be challenging, especially if they are in denial. If you suspect your father is struggling with alcoholism, it may be helpful to seek support from a trusted adult, school counsellor, or a professional therapist.

Understand the impact on yourself

It is important to understand the impact that having an alcoholic father can have on your life. Alcohol use disorder (AUD) affects not only the user but also their family. When a parent has an alcohol addiction, their children can experience negative effects that can last into adulthood.

Children with alcoholic parents often learn to hide their emotions as a defence mechanism. They may feel embarrassed, angry, or sad about their parent's substance use, and these negative emotions can be concealed to create a sense of denial, allowing the child to feel safe. However, hiding emotions for an extended period can cause a shutdown of all emotions in adulthood, making it difficult to express both positive and negative feelings. This can lead to issues with self-image and confidence, as well as struggles with social comparison, feedback, boundaries, and self-doubt.

The unpredictable and chaotic nature of living with an alcoholic parent can also impact your ability to form secure attachments and trust others. You may feel insecure and crave acceptance, leading to a constant need to prove your worth and make others happy. This can result in controlling behaviours in relationships and a struggle to express yourself, as speaking up may have felt unsafe in your family. You may also have a hard time with transitions and changes, as unpredictability and instability during childhood can make you highly sensitive to criticism and conflict.

It is common for children of alcoholic parents to develop feelings of guilt, shame, and low self-esteem. The secrets and lies within alcoholic families can breed shame, leading to internalised feelings of being bad, crazy, or unlovable. This can make it difficult to love and forgive yourself, as well as to accept love from others.

It is important to recognise that the impact of having an alcoholic father can be profound and long-lasting. By being honest with yourself and acknowledging the pain you have experienced, you can begin to move forward and work through any repressed childhood trauma.

Talk to your father

Dealing with an alcoholic parent can be challenging, and it is important to remember that it is not your fault. Alcoholism is an illness, and your father will need support from a doctor or another medical professional to get better. Here are some suggestions on how to talk to your father about his alcohol misuse:

Choose a good time and place

Select a time and location that is safe, private, and where your father will be comfortable. This will help him feel at ease during the conversation. It is also important to wait until he is sober and not suffering from the immediate effects of alcohol use.

Start with "I" statements

Instead of using phrases that start with "you," which can sound accusatory, try beginning your sentences with "I." For example, say something like, "I'm worried about you" or "I'm concerned about the amount you're drinking when you get in from work." This keeps the focus on your feelings and concerns, rather than sounding like an attack.

Ask open-ended questions

Asking open-ended questions can help encourage a conversation and show that you want to understand their perspective. For instance, you could say, "I'm worried you're drinking more - why do you think I'm worried?" This type of question invites your father to share their thoughts and feelings, which can help foster a more productive dialogue.

Mention specific instances

It can be helpful to provide specific examples of your father's drinking behaviour that have concerned you. For example, you might say, "I noticed you've been drinking more since your work promotion." Specific instances can help illustrate your concerns and make the conversation more concrete and actionable.

Stick to positive language

Avoid using generic labels like "alcoholic" or "addict," as these can be stigmatizing and unhelpful. Instead, use positive and supportive language that focuses on your father's well-being and your desire to help.

Do your research

Before approaching your father, educate yourself about alcohol addiction, withdrawal, and treatment options. Understanding the facts of addiction can help you be more sympathetic towards your father's condition and better prepare you for the conversation. Look up potential treatment options so that you can suggest concrete next steps during your talk.

Offer to accompany them to seek help

Suggest that you accompany your father to an appointment with a primary care physician or licensed therapist. A healthcare professional can evaluate your father, make a diagnosis, and recommend a suitable treatment plan. By offering to go with them, you provide both emotional support and practical assistance in navigating the healthcare system.

Remember, the conversation may not go as planned, and your father may not be receptive to your concerns. It is important to prioritize your well-being and seek support for yourself as well. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional to process your feelings and explore additional options for helping your father.

Seek support for yourself

Dealing with an alcoholic parent can be challenging and painful, and it is important to seek support for yourself. Alcoholism in a parent can affect the entire family, and children of alcoholics often struggle with issues like low self-esteem, guilt, shame, and an increased risk of developing an alcohol use disorder themselves. It is crucial to remember that none of this is your fault and that you are not responsible for your father's drinking problem.

• Reach out to trusted individuals: Speak to someone you trust, such as a school counsellor, another family member, or a close friend. It can be isolating and embarrassing to have an alcoholic parent, and talking about it can help you feel less alone.
• Join support groups: There are many support groups and resources specifically designed for family members of alcoholics, such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and SMART Recovery. These groups provide emotional support, help with coping strategies, and guidance on how to deal with an alcoholic parent. They can also help you connect with others who understand what you're going through.
• Seek therapy or counselling: Consider individual counselling or therapy to help you process your feelings and experiences in a safe and non-judgmental space. Therapy can also help you build healthy emotional habits and break the cycle of addiction in your family.
• Contact treatment providers: If you are concerned about your own mental health or substance use, contact a treatment provider to discuss your options. They can provide information, resources, and support for your own recovery journey.
• Connect with other adults: If you are a minor, seek emotional support from other trusted adults in your life, such as teachers or mentors. They can provide guidance and help you navigate the challenges of having an alcoholic father.
• Explore online resources: There are hundreds of websites and organisations dedicated to helping families of alcoholics. These can provide valuable information, resources, and online communities for support and connection.

Remember, seeking support for yourself is crucial when dealing with an alcoholic parent. It is important to recognise the impact of your father's alcoholism on your life and to prioritise your own emotional well-being.

Encourage your father to get help

Living with a parent who has a substance use problem is challenging. Alcohol use disorder (AUD) can harm a person's health and change the way they act, causing problems at home and work. It's important to remember that you're not alone and that the effects of growing up with alcoholic parents can last into adulthood.

• Offer support: Let your father know that you are concerned and want to help. Assure him that he is not alone and that you will be there for him throughout his recovery journey.
• Start a supportive conversation: You can initiate a conversation with your father about his alcohol use. It's important to approach this sensitively, without judgment or accusations. Ask open-ended questions and let your father lead the conversation.
• Address denial: Denial is a common occurrence in AUD and can prevent people from seeking treatment. Help your father understand that denial might be a self-defense mechanism to avoid facing the truth. Encourage him to confront any powerful emotions, such as shame, stress, or fear, that may be associated with accepting he has a problem.
• Seek professional help: Encourage your father to seek professional help from a treatment provider. Contact rehab centres or speak to a healthcare professional to explore the many rehab options available, such as outpatient or inpatient programs.
• Connect with support groups: Support groups such as Alateen or therapy can provide your father with a safe space to share his experiences and connect with others going through similar struggles. It can also help him build healthy emotional habits and stop the cycle of addiction.
• Address social drinking: If your father's drinking is encouraged by friends, family members, or social situations, it might be helpful to discuss these enablers and explore ways to avoid or manage these triggers.
• Educate on healthy drinking: Many people are unaware of how much alcohol is safe or healthy to consume. Help your father understand the guidelines for healthy drinking and how to recognise when alcohol use becomes unhealthy.

Frequently asked questions