Lena Savoie
Adult children of alcoholics often struggle with the long-term effects of their childhood trauma. They may exhibit characteristics such as low self-esteem, rejection sensitivity, over-reactivity, and a constant need for approval. Many find it hard to express their emotions, especially anger, and often fear abandonment, leading them to stay in unhealthy relationships. Treatment options include therapy, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and mindfulness therapy, as well as prescription medication. Support groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) and Al-Anon Family Groups can also aid in recovery, helping adult children of alcoholics to build brighter futures for themselves.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Intense need to "save" others | Fear of abandonment |
| Difficulty expressing emotions | Approval-seeking |
| Hard to relax | People-pleasing |
| Low self-esteem | Over-reactivity |
| Rejection sensitivity | Denial |
| Poor coping skills | Poor problem-solving |
| Difficulty forming healthy relationships | Difficulty trusting others |
| Tendency to neglect self-needs | Tendency to focus on overwhelming needs of others |
| Negative inner voice | |
| Difficulty expressing needs as an adult |
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What You'll Learn
Recognise the impact of childhood trauma
Adult children of alcoholics often experience trauma during their childhood, which can have lasting effects into adulthood. They may internalise the chaos and dysfunction around them, blaming themselves for their family's problems and feeling a sense of responsibility for keeping everything together. This can lead to low self-esteem, rejection sensitivity, over-reactivity, and a constant need for approval or people-pleasing behaviours. They may also develop an intense need to "save" others, feeling a fear of abandonment and staying in unhealthy relationships as a result. The trauma can cause them to develop many of the same characteristics associated with alcoholism, such as denial, poor coping skills, and forming dysfunctional relationships, even if they have never consumed alcohol themselves.
The impact of childhood trauma can also affect the social and emotional well-being of adult children of alcoholics. They may struggle to express their emotions, particularly anger, and often have difficulty forming healthy, trusting relationships. They may also find it hard to relax, as their brains have been programmed to expect stress and drama, leaving them constantly on edge. Additionally, they may exhibit a heightened sense of responsibility, feeling overwhelmed by the needs of others and neglecting their own.
It is important for adult children of alcoholics to recognise and address the impact of their childhood trauma. This can involve seeking professional help through therapy, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or mindfulness therapy, which can help to unlearn negative thought patterns and retrain the mind to stop believing every negative thought. Support groups, such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) or Al-Anon Family Groups, can also provide a valuable network of support and help individuals work towards building a brighter future.
By recognising and addressing the impact of childhood trauma, adult children of alcoholics can begin to heal and move forward. They can learn to express their emotions, set boundaries, and find healthier ways to cope with the lingering effects of their past. It is a process of discovering a new sense of wholeness and showing themselves the love, patience, and respect they deserve.
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Understand the need to seek emotional support
Emotional support is a critical component of dealing with the issues that arise from being an adult child of an alcoholic. The stigma surrounding addiction can make people feel isolated and alone, but it is important to recognise that this is not the case. In the United States, the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependency estimates that about one in eight people are adults whose parents had alcohol issues.
The emotional needs of children are often neglected when they grow up with alcoholic parents. They may feel a parent's absence or inconsistency and blame themselves for their family's dysfunction. They internalise the chaos around them and try to keep everything afloat. This can lead to low self-esteem, rejection sensitivity, over-reactivity, and a constant need for approval or people-pleasing behaviours. As adults, they may notice old coping mechanisms and behaviours leaking out, such as controlling behaviours, approval-seeking, or self-judgment. Many adult children of alcoholics feel an intense need to "save" others, and they fear abandonment, which can lead to unhealthy relationships. They may also find it hard to relax, as their brains are programmed to expect stress and drama.
Support groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) can help people work on building a brighter future for themselves. ACoA’s support groups are based on a modified version of the 12 steps for addiction recovery used in Alcoholics Anonymous. Al-Anon Family Groups are another option, with groups for spouses, partners, teens, and adult children of alcoholics. These meetings encourage family members to enter their own recovery and look after themselves, teaching them that they didn't cause the addiction, can't control it, and can't cure it. Therapy is another form of treatment, helping to relieve emotional distress and promote optimal mental health. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can be particularly effective, helping to unlearn negative thought patterns and replace them with healthier ones. Mindfulness therapy is also useful, helping to retrain the mind and stop believing every negative thought.
It is important to recognise that seeking emotional support is a crucial step in dealing with the issues that arise from being an adult child of an alcoholic. By understanding the impact of their childhood experiences, they can begin to heal and move forward in a positive direction.
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Learn to express emotions and address negative thought patterns
Adult children of alcoholics often struggle to express their emotions, especially anger, fear, and sadness surrounding their childhood trauma. They may also have internalized negative thought patterns, such as low self-esteem, rejection sensitivity, and an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. As a result, they often benefit from learning healthy ways to express and process their emotions and address these negative thought patterns.
One way to start expressing emotions is by writing them down in a journal. This can help you organize your thoughts and feelings and provide an outlet for emotions that you may not be ready to share with others. Gradually, you can begin to open up to trusted individuals in your life. It's important to give yourself permission to express how you feel without judging or censoring yourself. Remember that it's okay to set boundaries and cut ties with people who are toxic or unsupportive of your healing journey.
Therapy, specifically cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), can be incredibly beneficial for adult children of alcoholics. CBT helps individuals identify and challenge negative thought patterns and replace them with healthier, more positive ones. It can assist in unlearning the coping mechanisms and behaviors that may have been necessary for survival during childhood but are now hindering your ability to thrive as an adult. Therapy can also provide a safe and non-judgmental space to process your emotions and work through your traumatic experiences.
Mindfulness practices, such as mindfulness meditation, can also play a crucial role in managing emotions and addressing negative thought patterns. Mindfulness helps you become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations in the present moment without judgment. By observing your thoughts without believing or attaching to them, you can learn to detach from negative self-talk and cultivate a more compassionate inner dialogue.
Additionally, it's important to recognize that healing is a process, and it won't happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and celebrate even the smallest steps forward. Seeking support from groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) or Al-Anon can provide you with a sense of community and connection with others who understand your struggles. Remember that you are not alone in this journey, and it is possible to find peace and wholeness within yourself.
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Develop hobbies and special interests
Adult children of alcoholics often struggle with relaxation, as their brains are programmed to expect stress and drama. Developing hobbies and special interests is an important part of being a well-rounded person and can help adult children of alcoholics to relax.
Explore your passions and interests, no matter how frivolous they may seem. Enroll in a dance class, learn a foreign language, take up oil painting, or start a vegetable garden. You could also try meditation, which has been shown to help people feel better and reduce stress. Out of the 5.2% of US adults who had ever meditated, 2.5% had done mindfulness meditation, which is particularly effective for adult children of alcoholics. Mindfulness therapy can help to retrain the mind and stop believing every negative thought.
Hobbies and special interests can also help you connect with other people. For example, you could join a book club, a sports team, or a community garden. This can help you build a support network of people who share your interests and passions.
In addition to developing new hobbies and interests, it is also important to unlearn any harmful coping mechanisms that you may have developed as a result of growing up with an alcoholic parent. Therapy can help with this, as it can provide you with tools to manage your emotions and improve your overall quality of life. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a particularly effective form of therapy for adult children of alcoholics, as it can help to unlearn negative thought patterns and replace them with healthier ones.
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Find a support network
Support groups can be an excellent way to find a network of people who understand what you're going through and can offer advice and encouragement. The Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA or ACA) organization is one such group, offering literature and meetings to help adult children identify and address the problems that have arisen from their upbringing. Based on the 12 steps for addiction recovery used in Alcoholics Anonymous, ACoA's support groups can help you build a brighter future for yourself.
Al-Anon Family Groups are another option with groups for spouses, partners, teens, and adult children of alcoholics. These meetings encourage family members to enter their own recovery and look after themselves, teaching them that they didn't cause the addiction, they can't control it, and they can't cure it. This can help family members establish boundaries and move forward in a healthy way.
Therapy is another form of support, offering a chance to talk with a trained professional to relieve emotional distress and promote mental health. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can be particularly effective in helping to unlearn negative thought patterns and replace them with healthier ones. Mindfulness therapy is also useful for reducing stress and retraining the mind to stop believing every negative thought.
Support can also come in the form of self-care and self-help. Developing hobbies and special interests is important for well-roundedness and personal growth. Exploring passions, enrolling in classes, or taking up a new language or sport can provide a fun outlet and a sense of accomplishment. Journaling is another way to support yourself, helping you to become more emotionally honest and aware of your feelings.
Finally, it's important to know that you're not alone. In the United States, it's estimated that about one in eight people are adult children of alcoholics. Recognizing that others share your experience can be empowering and help reduce feelings of isolation.
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Frequently asked questions
Adult children of alcoholics often develop the same characteristics associated with alcoholism, such as denial, poor coping skills, and an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. They may also struggle with low self-esteem, rejection sensitivity, and have a hard time expressing their emotions.
Treatments include therapy, specifically cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), mindfulness therapy, and pharmacotherapy. Support groups such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) and Al-Anon Family Groups are also available to help adult children of alcoholics work through their trauma and build a brighter future.
Growing up with an alcoholic parent can have a significant impact on a child's emotional and social development. Children may internalise the chaos and blame themselves for their family's dysfunction. They may also take on adult responsibilities and care for younger siblings, leading to an intense need to "save" others as adults.
According to the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependency, about one in eight people in the United States is an adult child of an alcoholic.
Recognise that it's not your job to save anyone but yourself. Work on establishing healthy relationships and boundaries, and give yourself permission to express your emotions and address your childhood trauma. Mindfulness and hobbies can also help reduce stress and improve overall well-being.
