Mason Delacroix
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic medical condition that can lead to compulsive drinking and alcohol dependence. It is common for individuals with AUD to lie about or hide their drinking from their loved ones. If you are dealing with a lying alcoholic husband, it is important to recognize that you are not the cause of his drinking nor can you control or cure it. You may feel a range of emotions, including worry, anger, and confusion, but it is crucial to understand that his brain chemistry may have changed, affecting his decision-making. While you can support your husband, it is important to set clear boundaries and encourage him to seek professional help and treatment.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Feelings | Self-blame, frustration, loneliness, anger, confusion, worry |
| Actions | Controlling behaviour, obsessive monitoring, enabling, making excuses, covering up, pleading, lecturing, forbidding, threatening, fighting |
| Alternative Actions | Free yourself from blame, set clear boundaries, encourage treatment, practice releasing control, focus on the present, understand addiction and its effects |
| Treatment Options | Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), inpatient rehab, outpatient programs, counselling, support groups, medical detox, medication, therapy |
| Support | Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s National Helpline, California Detox helpline, AAC helpline |
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What You'll Learn
Understand why he lies about drinking
Alcoholics lie about their drinking for a variety of reasons, most of which are related to their desire to continue drinking without interference. They may lie to deflect and deny that they have a problem, using gaslighting techniques to shift the focus back onto you and make you question yourself. They may also lie to escape the consequences of their drinking, as admitting to a drinking problem would mean facing accountability for the damage they have caused to their loved ones.
Alcoholics may also lie to avoid the negative stereotypes and judgments associated with being labelled an 'alcoholic'. The fear of stigma and potential damage to relationships can drive them to construct a web of lies as a defence mechanism. However, this only serves to isolate them further and prevent them from seeking help.
Additionally, lying can be a coping mechanism for alcoholics. They may feel that drinking is necessary for coping with life's stresses, and lying allows them to maintain a semblance of control over their lives. The guilt and shame associated with alcoholism can be intense, and lying becomes a way to protect their self-image and avoid confrontation.
Furthermore, alcohol consumption can impair cognitive functions such as memory and judgment, leading to inconsistencies and falsehoods in their narrative. They may not even remember their actions clearly due to memory lapses, which can contribute to their dishonest behaviour.
Understanding why your husband lies about drinking can help you empathize with his situation and guide you in finding ways to support him effectively. It is important to recognize the signs of alcohol addiction and have a calm and caring conversation with him about your concerns when he is sober. Offer to help him make appointments and seek treatment, and be patient as recovery takes time and effort. Remember to also take care of your own well-being during this challenging time.
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Recognise signs of alcohol addiction
Alcohol addiction is a legitimate medical condition that can be challenging to recognise, especially if your husband is a secretive drinker or in denial about their drinking problem. Here are some signs to look out for:
- Denial and Minimisation: Your husband might downplay his drinking habits, make excuses, or rationalise his behaviour. He may be good at hiding his drinking, making it challenging to grasp the extent of his alcohol consumption.
- High-Functioning Alcoholism: Some individuals with alcohol addiction can maintain a facade of normalcy in their daily lives, even while struggling with a severe substance abuse problem. Your husband might excel at work, fulfil his responsibilities, and maintain social connections, masking his addiction.
- Secretive Behaviour: Alcohol addiction is often accompanied by shame, guilt, and embarrassment. Your husband may go to great lengths to hide his addiction out of fear of judgment. This secrecy can make it difficult for you to recognise the signs of alcoholism.
- Gradual Progression: Alcohol addiction usually develops gradually, making it challenging to pinpoint when casual drinking becomes problematic.
- Persistent Cravings and Loss of Control: Does your husband struggle to stop drinking after one or two drinks, even when he intends to cut back? Persistent cravings and difficulty controlling alcohol intake are signs of addiction.
- Risky Behaviour: Alcohol impairs judgment and coordination, leading to increased risk-taking and accidents. If your husband engages in risky behaviours while intoxicated, such as driving under the influence or making impulsive decisions, it could indicate a problem.
- Neglect of Grooming and Hygiene: Alcohol addiction can cause individuals to neglect their personal grooming and hygiene habits.
- Physical Withdrawal Symptoms: Has your husband experienced sickness or shakiness when he hasn't had a drink in a while? These could be withdrawal symptoms indicative of alcohol addiction.
- Lying: Lying is a common sign of alcohol addiction. Your husband may lie to avoid confronting his problems, escape reality, or preserve his addiction.
- Changes in Inhibitions and Impulse Control: Alcohol can reduce inhibitions and impulse control, leading to anger, reckless behaviour, or a lack of motivation.
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Learn about alcohol addiction and its effects
Alcohol addiction, or Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), is a chronic relapsing disorder characterised by compulsive alcohol drinking, an impaired ability to stop or control alcohol intake, and the emergence of a negative emotional state when alcohol is no longer available. AUD can be mild, moderate, or severe, with alcohol addiction falling at the moderate to severe end of the spectrum. Alcohol addiction is a progressive disease that tends to worsen over time until the person seeks help.
Alcohol, like other drugs, has a powerful effect on the brain, producing pleasurable feelings and muting negative emotions. These feelings can motivate people to drink again and again, despite the risks to their health and well-being. When a person who is addicted to alcohol stops drinking, they experience withdrawal symptoms, which can be physical (such as sleep disturbances, pain, and illness) and emotional (such as dysphoria, irritability, anxiety, and emotional pain). The negative feelings associated with alcohol withdrawal are thought to stem from a diminished activation in the brain's reward systems, making it difficult for people to experience pleasure from everyday life, and increased activation of the brain's stress systems, contributing to anxiety, irritability, and unease. At this stage, the person no longer drinks for the "high" but to escape the "low" feelings caused by chronic alcohol misuse.
Alcohol addiction can also lead to significant changes in the brain and body. Alcohol interferes with the brain's communication pathways, impacting mood, behaviour, clear thinking, and coordination. It can also affect the peripheral nervous system, leading to peripheral neuropathy, which causes numbness in the arms and legs and painful burning in the feet. Alcohol-related nerve damage may also result in heart arrhythmias, drops in blood pressure, diarrhoea, and erectile dysfunction. Heavy alcohol use can also disrupt the endocrine system, affecting hormones that maintain the body's health and stability, and the pancreas, impairing the production of digestive enzymes and blood sugar regulation.
Alcohol consumption is associated with various health and social risks, including relationship issues, heart and liver diseases, cancers, accidents, overdose, violence, homicide, and suicide. Young people are especially vulnerable to developing AUD, as alcohol use during adolescence can affect brain development and increase the risk of being diagnosed with AUD later in life. However, it is important to remember that AUD is a treatable condition, and most people with AUD can benefit from behavioural therapies, medications, or a combination of both.
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Don't enable his behaviour
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic medical condition characterized by an inability to stop or control drinking despite health, social, or professional consequences. It is important to remember that you did not cause your spouse’s drinking, nor can you control or cure it.
Enabling your spouse involves behaviours such as covering up for them or making excuses for their drinking. For example, calling their workplace to say they are sick when they are actually intoxicated or hungover, bailing them out of jail for a DUI, minimising the impact of their drinking on your family, or pretending the issue does not exist. Enabling can prevent your spouse from facing the natural consequences of their actions and can keep them trapped in a cycle of addiction.
To stop enabling your husband's behaviour, it is crucial to set clear boundaries and learn effective communication skills. This means communicating that you love your husband but do not love his addiction or his current behaviours. Instead of obsessively monitoring his drinking behaviour, controlling his alcohol intake, or pleading with him to stop, consider practicing the art of actively releasing control over his alcohol use.
Engaging in self-care is also important when dealing with a spouse's AUD. Many family members of addicts and alcoholics have forgotten who they are or what they want for themselves. Individual therapy, self-help groups, workshops, and Family Recovery Programs can be helpful for families to learn the benefits of detachment and the dangers of enabling. Remember, you are not responsible for your husband's recovery, and you have full control over how you choose to react to him.
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Set clear boundaries and encourage treatment
Setting clear boundaries is crucial when dealing with a spouse battling alcoholism. Boundaries provide a framework for what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour within the relationship, establishing clear guidelines and expectations. They play a crucial role in creating a sense of safety, promoting healthy communication, and encouraging your spouse to seek help for their alcoholism.
Boundaries are invisible protective barriers that reflect the values and needs placed around oneself. They provide structure, stability, and protection for both the individual battling alcoholism and their spouse. By setting boundaries, you can help the alcoholic or addict stay accountable for their behaviour and make it easier for them to get the help they need.
To set boundaries, you must first identify your needs and what is important to you. Then, communicate these boundaries clearly and effectively. If you are uncomfortable around intoxicated people, explain that and give specific reasons. Be forward but empathetic in your communication. Give examples of unacceptable behaviours that you will not tolerate, such as using alcohol, lying, or stealing.
Consequences are an essential aspect of maintaining boundaries. Without consequences, boundaries become worthless. These consequences can range from calling the police, cutting off financial support, or filing a restraining order. While it is challenging, it is crucial to follow through with these consequences to protect yourself and encourage your spouse to take responsibility for their actions.
Encouraging treatment for your alcoholic husband is a crucial aspect of supporting his recovery. While you cannot make the decision to seek treatment for them, you can provide them with resources and information. Offer them online resources, such as the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website, or provide information on inpatient and outpatient rehab options. You can also suggest they talk to their primary care physician or a mental health specialist about their struggles.
Remember, recovery from alcohol addiction is possible. With treatment, individuals gain access to the resources they need to create a healthier lifestyle and reduce their risk of relapse. Family addiction therapy can also be beneficial, strengthening relationships and providing a safe space for open communication.
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Frequently asked questions
It is important to understand that your husband's drinking is not your fault, nor can you control or cure it. However, you can support him in seeking help and treatment for his addiction. Try to understand the signs of alcohol addiction and encourage him to talk to a doctor or counsellor. Offer to help with making appointments and finding information.
It is best to talk to him calmly and lovingly, expressing your concerns without blame. Recognise that he may lie about his drinking due to shame, denial, or fear of consequences.
Some common signs include increased drinking, cravings, loss of control, neglecting responsibilities, withdrawal symptoms, hiding alcohol, changes in behaviour, and increased tolerance.
Treatment options include inpatient rehab, outpatient programs, counselling, and support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Medical detox programs can help manage withdrawal symptoms, and therapy can address the underlying causes of addiction.
