Coping With A Mentally Ill, Alcoholic, And Verbally Abusive Mother

Dealing with a mentally ill, alcoholic, and verbally abusive mother can be incredibly challenging and distressing. It's important to recognise that you are not alone in this situation and that support is available. Alcohol abuse and addiction can lead to emotional, physical, and financial abuse, with children often bearing the brunt of their parent's addiction. The impact of a parent's alcoholism can leave children feeling unloved, neglected, and embarrassed. It's crucial to understand that the abuse is not your fault and that you have the power to seek help and begin healing.

Seek support from a therapist or counsellor

Seeking support from a therapist or counsellor can be a crucial step in coping with a mentally ill, alcoholic, and verbally abusive mother. Here are some reasons why and ways in which therapy can help:

Gaining Emotional Support and Processing Trauma

Therapy provides a safe and non-judgmental space to share your experiences and emotions. A therapist can help you process the trauma you've endured and recognise how it has impacted your life. They can guide you in understanding the long-term effects of verbal abuse, which may include low self-esteem, codependency, depression, and insecure attachment patterns. Understanding these impacts is a crucial step in breaking the cycle and beginning your healing journey.

Learning to Set Boundaries

A therapist can help you set healthy boundaries with your mother to protect yourself from her toxic behaviour. They can support you in recognising what behaviours are unacceptable and guide you in communicating these boundaries effectively. Setting boundaries may involve asserting your needs, limiting contact, or even cutting ties if your mother's behaviour continues to harm your mental health.

Developing Self-Care Practices and Stress Management

Therapy can also provide you with tools to cope with the stress and emotional fallout of dealing with an abusive parent. This may include recommending self-care practices such as journaling, meditation, or engaging in enjoyable activities. Additionally, a therapist can help you build your self-esteem and learn stress management techniques to enhance your overall well-being.

Exploring Family Therapy Options

In some cases, family therapy may be an option if your mother is willing to participate. This type of therapy can help address the family dynamics, improve communication, and work towards recovery from mental illness or substance abuse. However, it is important to remember that your safety and well-being come first, and individual therapy can provide you with the support you need to navigate your relationship with your mother.

Finding the Right Therapist

When seeking a therapist, look for one who specialises in family trauma, psychological abuse, and parental issues. You can research therapists in your area or consider online therapy options to find someone who aligns with your needs and preferences. Remember, healing is a journey, and finding the right therapist to accompany you on this path is essential.

Understand alcohol abuse and addiction

Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a medical condition characterized by an impaired ability to stop or control alcohol use despite adverse social, occupational, or health consequences. It encompasses conditions such as alcohol abuse, alcohol dependence, and alcoholism. AUD can be mild, moderate, or severe, and is considered a brain disorder. People with AUD may experience lasting changes in their brains due to alcohol misuse, making them vulnerable to relapse. However, it's important to know that most people with AUD recover, meaning they reduce their alcohol consumption or stop drinking altogether.

Genetics and family history play a significant role in the development of AUD. Heritability accounts for approximately 60% of the risk, but it is also influenced by environmental factors. For example, a child's risk of developing AUD is influenced by their parents' drinking patterns. Additionally, mental health conditions and trauma increase the likelihood of developing AUD. Psychiatric conditions such as depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder are often associated with AUD. Individuals with a history of childhood trauma are also more vulnerable to developing this disorder.

Treatment for AUD typically involves behavioural therapy, mutual support groups, and/or medication. Behavioural treatments focus on counselling to change drinking behaviour, and support groups provide connections with others facing similar challenges. Medication can also help, with the U.S. Food & Drug Administration approving naltrexone and acamprosate for alcohol use disorder treatment. Topiramate and gabapentin can also reduce cravings. It is important to note that stopping drinking suddenly can lead to delirium tremens (DT), a severe form of alcohol withdrawal that can be life-threatening.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an alcoholic parent, it is essential to seek support. Resources like Al-Anon/Alateen offer a 24-hour hotline (1-800-344-2666) and online help. SAMHSA also provides a free, confidential National Helpline (1-800-662-HELP) that offers treatment referrals and information for individuals and families facing substance use disorders. These services can provide valuable guidance and emotional support to help cope with the challenges of having an alcoholic parent.

Recognise the signs of verbal abuse

Recognising verbal abuse can be challenging, especially for those who have grown up with it. Verbal abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse, and it can have a profound impact on a child's mental health and brain development. It can affect self-esteem, relationships, and overall mental health and well-being. Here are some key signs to help you recognise verbal abuse:

Relentless Criticism and Belittling

Verbal abuse often involves constant criticism, putting down, insults, and belittling behaviours. Abusive parents may find fault with nearly everything their child does, making them feel flawed or inadequate. This can lead to low self-worth and worry about being verbally attacked for their choices and actions.

Withholding Love and Affection

Emotional deprivation is a form of verbal and emotional abuse. Withholding love, affection, attention, or approval from a child can be very damaging. This can create a sense of emotional distance and lead to unmet emotional needs. Abusive parents may threaten to withdraw love or support to control their child's behaviour.

Dismissal of Emotions

Verbal abuse often involves dismissing, mocking, or punishing a child for expressing their emotions. Abusers may minimise or ignore a child's emotions, failing to provide the emotional support they need. This can lead to emotional suppression and difficulty processing emotions in adulthood.

Yelling and Cursing

Verbal abuse often includes yelling, shouting, and using curse words as insults or to demean the child. Abusers may also use threats of harm or physical punishment.

Guilt, Shame, and Fear

Abusive parents may use guilt, shame, or fear to manipulate and control their children. They may make the child feel like they are walking on eggshells, always afraid of triggering their parent's anger or disappointment.

Hidden Abuse and Public Ridicule

Abusers may hide their verbal abuse in private but act differently in public. They may ridicule or embarrass their child in front of others, making them feel ashamed or inadequate.

Recognising these signs is crucial for understanding the impact of verbal abuse and taking steps to heal and reclaim your sense of self-worth. It is important to remember that you are not alone and that healing is possible through therapy, self-compassion, and support from loved ones.

Find a support group

Support groups can be a great way to cope with a mentally ill, alcoholic, and verbally abusive mother. It is important to remember that you are not alone and that there are people who can help you. Joining a support group can provide a sense of community and understanding, as well as offer strategies for dealing with the abuse and its aftermath.

One such support group is Al-Anon/Alateen, which offers a 24-hour hotline at 1-800-344-2666. Alateen is specifically mentioned as a resource for teens dealing with parents who abuse alcohol or drugs, assuring them that they are not to blame and that they are not alone. They encourage seeking support from other adults, school counsellors, and youth support groups.

Another option is to look for online support groups, which can provide anonymity and accessibility. Websites like BetterHelp offer convenient and affordable online therapy starting at $65 per week, with the option to take a free online assessment to get matched with the right therapist.

If you are a child or young person facing emotional abuse or concerned about a friend or family member, Childline offers free and confidential support. You can call them at 0800 1111 or contact them online. Their website also provides helpful advice about emotional abuse, including why it happens and how to deal with it.

For those who prefer in-person support, there are organisations like Relate, which you can call at 0300 003 0396 to discuss issues around emotional abuse. The National Domestic Violence Helpline also offers a 24-hour free helpline in partnership with Women's Aid and Refuge, which can be reached at 0808 2000 247.

Remember, recovery is possible, and with the right support and strategies, you can rebuild your sense of self-worth and move forward in a healthy way.

Develop healthy coping mechanisms

It is important to develop healthy coping mechanisms to deal with a mentally ill, alcoholic, and verbally abusive mother. Firstly, understand that you cannot force your mother to change her behaviour or make her quit drinking. Alcohol abuse and addiction are separate issues, and while alcohol abuse can lead to addiction, they are distinct. Alcohol abuse refers to drinking excessively through binge drinking or drinking too often, whereas addiction refers to physical dependence, resulting in withdrawal symptoms when the person tries to quit.

You can, however, talk to your mother about how her drinking affects you and express your feelings about a specific incident that worried you and had noticeable consequences. You can also offer to accompany her to the doctor to discuss any potential medication interactions that could be dangerous. Remember, your parent can only stop drinking when they are ready and willing to do so.

Seeking professional help is a crucial step in developing healthy coping mechanisms. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, or social worker. They can provide valuable support and help you navigate your emotions and improve your mental state. Additionally, therapy can assist you in changing your mindset towards your mother and building stress management skills.

Support groups can also be incredibly beneficial. Groups like Al-Anon/Alateen offer a 24-hour hotline and provide an opportunity to connect with others going through similar experiences. These groups can help you build emotional habits and learn to express your feelings in a safe environment, which can contribute to developing healthy relationships in the future.

Finally, focus on finding healthy outlets for stress relief. Instead of turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms, engage in physical activities like dancing, hiking, or going to the gym. Social activities, such as spending time with friends, having a game night, or bowling, can also provide a positive distraction. Developing a hobby, starting a yoga practice, or reading a book can be great ways to channel your energy and emotions into something constructive and enjoyable.

Frequently asked questions