Comforting Your Boyfriend: Dealing With An Alcoholic Mom

Alcohol use disorders, or alcoholism, are a chronic disease that affects 29.5 million Americans and can have a severe impact on the lives of not just the person with the addiction but also their families, especially their children. Children of alcoholics often struggle with self-esteem issues and feelings of being unloved, uncared for, and unimportant. They may also be forced to take on the role of an adult in the family, which can lead to bitterness and resentment. If your boyfriend is the child of an alcoholic, he may be experiencing some of these feelings and it is important to comfort him.

Encourage him to talk about his feelings

It can be challenging and painful to have a parent with an alcohol addiction. Alcohol use disorders can severely impact a person's personal, professional, social, and financial life. It can also cause a parent to act in ways that are embarrassing or humiliating to themselves and their children. Children of alcoholics may struggle with self-esteem issues, as well as feelings of being unloved, uncared for, and unimportant. They may also feel worried, anxious, and stressed about their parent's safety and well-being.

If your boyfriend is going through this, it's important to encourage him to talk about his feelings and express his emotions. Here are some ways to do that:

• Create a Safe and Non-Judgmental Space: Let your boyfriend know that you are there for him and that he can share his thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or criticism. Assure him that his feelings are valid and that he doesn't have to go through this alone.
• Listen with Empathy: When your boyfriend does open up, listen attentively and empathetically. Try to understand his perspective and emotions without interrupting or offering quick solutions. Reflect on what he shares and validate his experiences. For example, you can say things like, "I can understand how difficult this must be for you" or "It makes sense that you feel angry and hurt by her actions."
• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage your boyfriend to explore and express his feelings by asking open-ended questions. Instead of asking yes or no questions, try inquiries like, "How has your mom's alcoholism impacted you over the years?" or "What are some of the emotions you've been experiencing lately?"
• Share Your Own Feelings: If comfortable, share your own feelings about the situation. This can help create a sense of mutual vulnerability and encourage further expression. For example, you can say, "I feel sad and worried when I see how her alcoholism affects you, and I want to support you in any way I can."
• Encourage Professional Support: Suggest that your boyfriend seek professional help or join support groups specifically for children of alcoholics. Groups like Al-Anon provide a safe and understanding environment for individuals dealing with a loved one's alcoholism. Encourage him to connect with others who may understand his experiences and offer additional support and perspectives.

Remember, it's important to respect your boyfriend's boundaries and comfort level when encouraging him to talk. Be patient, as it may take time for him to feel ready to express his feelings. Offer your ongoing support and let him know that you are there for him whenever he needs to talk.

Suggest he seeks support from a therapist or support group

It is important to suggest that your boyfriend seeks support from a therapist or support group. Dealing with an alcoholic parent can be an emotional rollercoaster and can take a toll on his health, outlook, and well-being. It is crucial that he prioritizes his own health and finds the support he needs.

Suggesting therapy is a great first step. Therapy can help your boyfriend develop good habits that he may not have been able to learn while living with an alcoholic parent. It can also help him identify the root causes of his mother's alcohol use, repair damaged relationships, and learn how to deal with triggers that could lead to relapse. Behavioral treatments, such as individual, group, and family therapy sessions, can be beneficial in addressing these issues. Additionally, residential treatment or "rehab" facilities provide intensive treatment for alcohol abuse, including detox, therapy, and medication. Online therapy services like BetterHelp can also be a convenient option, matching him with licensed and accredited therapists.

Support groups can also provide valuable support and social connection. Your boyfriend may find comfort and support by listening to others facing similar challenges, helping him build confidence in navigating social situations without alcohol. Support groups such as Al-Anon or Alateen offer free peer support and a 24-hour hotline for families dealing with a loved one's alcohol abuse. SAMHSA's National Helpline also provides a free and confidential referral service for individuals and families facing substance use disorders, connecting them with local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.

Encourage your boyfriend to seek help and let him know that he doesn't have to go through this alone. Offer to accompany him as he takes the first steps, whether that's sitting with him as he calls a helpline or helping him make a plan for change. Recovery is an ongoing process, and your boyfriend may face new challenges as he navigates life without alcohol. With your support and the help of professionals, he can develop new coping mechanisms and address the underlying issues that led to his mother's alcohol abuse.

Help him to understand his mother's alcoholism

Alcohol addiction, or alcohol use disorder (AUD), is a chronic disease that involves not being able to stop or control alcohol use no matter the negative consequences to one's health and relationships. Alcohol addiction changes the chemistry of the brain. It is important to understand that if your boyfriend's mother is addicted to alcohol, she cannot stop drinking by just "deciding to quit".

Your boyfriend may be struggling with feelings of guilt and thoughts that he could be doing more for his mother. It is important for him to know that no one is responsible for someone else's drinking problem. He should not ignore his instincts, especially if he believes that his mother's health and well-being are at risk. Speaking up can not only provide her with the support she needs to get sober but also potentially save her life.

Your boyfriend may also be worried about his mother's reaction if he brings up her drinking. It is important to remember that, unless alcohol-related violence is a concern, the risks of having this conversation are generally far outweighed by the potential benefits. If your boyfriend is worried about a violent reaction, he should not have the conversation alone. He can also bring to her attention that he thinks she has a problem.

Your boyfriend can also encourage his mother to seek professional help. Only a doctor or other licensed professional can diagnose someone with AUD. American Addiction Centers (AAC) has alcohol treatment centers located across the United States.

Explain how to approach conversations with his mother

Approaching conversations with a parent about their alcohol addiction can be extremely challenging and painful. Here are some ways to approach a conversation with your boyfriend's mother:

Firstly, it is important to educate yourself about Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) and the signs of alcohol addiction. Understanding the condition can help you prepare for the conversation and communicate effectively. Learn about the treatment options and recovery process, as this can help you provide valuable information and support.

Choose an appropriate time and place for the conversation. Pick a quiet and calm environment with minimal distractions to ensure both of you feel safe and comfortable. Avoid bringing up the topic when she is intoxicated, as it may not be productive and could lead to an unfavourable outcome.

Before initiating the conversation, it is advisable to seek support for yourself. Consider reaching out to a therapist, counsellor, or a trusted friend who can provide guidance and emotional support. You can also contact support groups or hotlines specifically for family members of people with alcohol abuse problems.

When having the conversation, focus on expressing your concern and support rather than trying to convince her that she has a problem. Be open and honest about your observations and feelings, but avoid being judgemental or hostile. Use specific examples of behaviours or incidents that have worried you, and acknowledge any progress or positive changes you have noticed.

Remember that it may take more than one conversation to encourage her to seek help. Be patient and persistent, and try to have ongoing dialogue. If she denies having a problem, suggest having another conversation at a later date. Offer to accompany her to appointments or support groups if she agrees to seek help.

Lastly, it is important to prioritise your boyfriend's well-being and encourage him to seek support as well. Dealing with a parent's alcohol addiction can be emotionally taxing, and both of you can benefit from having a strong support system in place.

Provide practical support to improve their relationship

Dealing with an alcoholic parent can be extremely challenging and painful, and it can affect the well-being and health of the child. It is important to remember that alcoholism is a disease and that it is not the child's fault. Here are some ways to provide practical support to improve the relationship between your boyfriend and his mother:

Educate Yourself and Your Boyfriend About Alcoholism

Understanding alcoholism and its impact can help your boyfriend develop empathy for his mother and himself. Help him learn about the cycle of addiction and how it affects a person's behaviour, health, and relationships. This knowledge can help him realise that his mother's actions are a result of her addiction and not because she doesn't care about him. It can also help him make sense of his own emotions and reactions to her behaviour. There are resources available, such as the booklet "What Is Substance Abuse Treatment?" by SAMHSA, which can provide valuable information and answer questions about substance abuse and recovery.

Encourage Open Communication

Encourage your boyfriend to express his feelings and emotions, both to himself and to others. Often, children of alcoholics learn to hide their emotions to avoid triggering their parent's drinking. Help your boyfriend understand that it is safe for him to express his feelings and that doing so will help him build healthier relationships. Encourage him to open up to a trusted friend, a relative, or a professional counsellor. He might also find it helpful to join support groups, such as Alateen, specifically designed for teens dealing with alcoholic parents. These groups can provide emotional support and help him feel less alone in his struggles.

Support His Emotional Well-being

Your boyfriend is likely to experience a range of emotions, including confusion, sadness, and anger. Be there to listen to him without judgment and validate his feelings. Help him develop healthy coping mechanisms to deal with stress and difficult emotions. This could include encouraging him to practice self-care, such as regular exercise, meditation, or hobbies that promote relaxation and emotional release. Additionally, you can suggest activities that foster positive emotions, such as spending time in nature, watching funny movies, or engaging in enjoyable social activities.

Assist in Practical Ways

Help your boyfriend navigate the practical challenges that come with having an alcoholic parent. This could include assisting him in finding safe transportation if his mother is unable to drive due to intoxication. Offer to accompany him to family events or gatherings where his mother's drinking may be an issue, so he doesn't have to face it alone. Help him identify and access resources, such as support groups or therapy, that can provide additional support and guidance. Additionally, if your boyfriend is old enough to live independently, you can help him research housing options or provide a safe space for him to stay if needed.

Encourage Healthy Boundaries

While it is important for your boyfriend to express his feelings, it is also crucial for him to set healthy boundaries with his mother. Help him understand that he is not responsible for his mother's drinking or her behaviour. Encourage him to set boundaries that protect his emotional and physical well-being, such as limiting contact or setting rules around alcohol consumption during family gatherings. It might be challenging for him to enforce these boundaries, so be there to support him and remind him that he deserves to be respected and safe.

Frequently asked questions