Breaking Free: Escaping An Alcoholic Boyfriend

Being in a relationship with an alcoholic can be emotionally taxing and exhausting. If you are experiencing financial difficulties, stress related to managing household responsibilities, and constant conflict surrounding your partner's alcohol abuse, it may be time to consider breaking up with them. Before ending things, it is important to make a concrete decision and be gentle and understanding during the conversation. Remember that your partner's alcoholism is not your fault, and seek support from a counselor or therapist if needed. If your boyfriend is exhibiting mean and alcoholic behavior, it may be time to prioritize your own needs and safety by ending the relationship.

Recognise the signs of alcoholism

Recognising the signs of alcoholism in a partner can be difficult, especially if you are concerned about the consequences of labelling them an alcoholic. However, it is important to remember that alcoholism is a legitimate medical condition that can get better with treatment. Here are some signs that your boyfriend may be struggling with alcoholism:

• Inability to cut back on drinking: One of the key symptoms of alcohol use disorder is the inability to reduce drinking. Your partner may intend to limit himself to a certain number of drinks but will be unable to do so.
• Drinking more than intended: People with alcohol use disorder often drink more than they initially intended. For example, they may set out to have only one drink but end up consuming much more.
• Craving alcohol: Alcohol use disorder can cause intense cravings for alcoholic beverages. If your boyfriend frequently craves alcohol, it may be a sign that he is struggling with alcoholism.
• Negative impact on relationships: Alcohol use disorder can damage personal relationships. If your boyfriend's drinking is affecting your relationship and he continues to drink despite this, it may be a sign of alcoholism.
• Risk-taking: Alcohol use disorder can lead to risky behaviour, such as drinking and driving or engaging in hazardous activities while intoxicated. If your boyfriend engages in these behaviours, it may be a sign that he has a problem with alcohol.
• Withdrawal symptoms: Alcohol withdrawal can cause physical and psychological symptoms such as tremors, anxiety, and depression. If your boyfriend experiences withdrawal symptoms when he tries to cut back or stop drinking, it may indicate alcohol dependence.
• Neglecting obligations: Alcohol use disorder can interfere with a person's ability to meet work, family, or social obligations. If your boyfriend frequently neglects his responsibilities due to drinking, it may be a sign of alcoholism.
• High tolerance: People with alcohol use disorder often develop a high tolerance for alcohol, which means they need to drink more over time to achieve the desired effect.

If you recognise these signs in your boyfriend, it may be time to have an open and honest conversation about the impact of his drinking on your relationship. Remember, seeking professional help and support is crucial in addressing alcoholism.

Understand the impact on your life

Being in a relationship with an alcoholic boyfriend can have a significant impact on your life. Alcoholism can lead to a range of issues that can affect your emotional well-being, daily life, and even your physical safety.

Emotionally, you may experience constant stress, worry, and pain as you witness your boyfriend struggle with alcohol abuse. You may feel overwhelmed and exhausted, especially if you're taking on additional household duties or lying/making excuses to cover for his drinking. You might also blame yourself for his actions or feel guilty about considering a breakup. Alcoholism can also lead to financial difficulties and frequent conflicts, further adding to your emotional burden.

Alcoholism can also impact your daily life and future plans. A partner struggling with alcohol abuse may neglect responsibilities, including work and childcare, impacting your stability and security. Their drinking may also lead to broken commitments and social embarrassment. Additionally, if your boyfriend is unable to control his drinking, it can affect your social life and your ability to enjoy shared activities without triggering a relapse.

Furthermore, alcohol abuse can increase the risk of dangerous behaviours and domestic violence. Alcohol impairs judgement and increases the likelihood of driving under the influence, intimate partner violence, and illicit drug use. As a result, your physical safety may be at risk.

The impact of your boyfriend's alcoholism can be far-reaching, affecting your emotional health, daily life, finances, and safety. It's important to recognise these impacts and understand that they are not your fault. While it can be challenging to consider ending a relationship, prioritising your well-being and safety is crucial.

Plan to leave safely

Planning to leave an alcoholic partner can be emotionally taxing and exhausting. It is important to remember that you are not responsible for their drinking problem and that their addiction is not a reflection of who you are. Here are some steps to help you plan to leave safely:

Make a Concrete Decision

Firstly, make a firm decision about breaking up. Going back and forth between staying and leaving can be harmful to both you and your partner. Remember that you cannot help your partner by simply loving them or putting their needs first. They need to actively choose to address their addiction and commit to recovery.

Seek Professional Support

Consider involving a counsellor or relationship therapist in the conversation. Your partner will need assistance from a trained substance abuse counsellor or therapist to maintain their recovery. It may also be beneficial for you to attend therapy to help you move on from the relationship and learn to put yourself first.

Protect Your Wellbeing

Prioritise your safety and wellbeing. Alcoholics may exhibit unpredictable behaviour, and your partner's drinking problem does not excuse any verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. If you are experiencing domestic violence, intimate partner violence, or feel unsafe, reach out to a domestic violence hotline or seek emergency assistance.

Prepare for Negative Reactions

Understand that your partner may react negatively to the breakup. A person addicted to alcohol may have little control over their actions and emotions, so they might respond aggressively or violently. Plan the breakup conversation carefully, choosing a time and place where you feel safe and can easily exit the situation if needed.

Take Time to Heal

After ending the relationship, give yourself time to heal. Don't blame yourself for your partner's drinking problem or try to figure out their motivations. Focus on self-care and doing things that bring you joy. You may also find support and comfort by connecting with others who have gone through similar experiences, such as through support groups or mutual aid societies like Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).

Have an open conversation

Breaking up with a partner is never easy, and it can be especially challenging when your boyfriend is a mean alcoholic. Alcoholism can cause people to act in ways they wouldn't normally, and it can be hard to separate the disease from the person. Here are some tips on how to have that difficult conversation and break up with a mean alcoholic boyfriend:

Make a Concrete Decision: Before having the conversation, be firm in your decision to end the relationship. Going back and forth or delaying the breakup can be harmful to both of you and may prolong the pain. Recognize that you've likely already tried to help your boyfriend, but ultimately, he has to choose recovery for himself.

Choose a Safe Time and Place: When you decide to have the conversation, choose a time and place where you feel safe and secure. Avoid places where your boyfriend usually drinks, and try to meet when you know he hasn't been drinking. If you have any concerns for your safety, consider having a trusted friend nearby or meeting in a public place.

Be Honest and Direct: During the conversation, be honest and direct about your feelings and the reasons for the breakup. Express your concerns about his alcoholism and how it has impacted your relationship. Be specific about the ways in which his drinking has affected you and your life together. For example, you might say, "Your drinking has caused me a lot of worry and I can no longer cope with the stress it brings into my life."

Show Empathy: While being honest, also try to be gentle and understanding of his disease. Recognize that alcoholism is a powerful addiction and that your boyfriend may not have been able to control his drinking or behavior fully. You might say something like, "I know you've struggled with your drinking, and I understand this isn't easy for you either."

Avoid Blame and Accusations: Focus on expressing your feelings and experiences rather than placing blame or accusing him. For example, instead of saying, "You never kept your promises," try saying, "I felt let down when plans we made together didn't work out." This can help reduce defensiveness and keep the conversation calmer.

Involve a Counselor: If you feel it would be helpful, consider involving a counselor or relationship therapist in the conversation. They can help mediate the discussion and ensure that both your voices are heard. Additionally, they can provide support and guidance on how to navigate the breakup process.

Remember, the conversation may be challenging, but it's important to stand your ground and prioritize your well-being. You cannot change your boyfriend or force him to seek help, but you can choose to remove yourself from a harmful situation.

Prioritise self-care and recovery

Breaking up with a mean alcoholic boyfriend can be emotionally taxing and exhausting. It is completely understandable for someone to break up with an alcoholic if they feel the relationship is hurting one or both individuals.

• Reach out to friends and family: Self-care after a breakup is much easier with friends and family. They can help take your mind off the breakup while filling your need for emotional connection.
• Seek professional help: Therapy can offer an opportunity to look at your relationship in a different way. It allows you to talk about things in an open and honest way without fear of being judged or sharing too much with friends or family.
• Create a daily self-care routine: Each day, do something that brings you joy, nurtures you, and helps you process your feelings. This could include seeing friends, having new experiences, spending time on your favourite hobby, exercising, meditating, cooking a satisfying meal, journaling, or talking with a therapist or support person.
• Get enough rest: When you're feeling down, your sleep patterns may change. Try to get enough sleep (7-8 hours per day), but avoid oversleeping, as this can further affect your mood and interfere with your responsibilities.
• Eat a healthy diet: Sugary foods and drinks can negatively affect your mood. Choose nutritious foods instead to ensure you're getting the nutrition your body needs.
• Exercise: Getting outside for a walk, run, or bike ride can help get your endorphins pumping.
• Take time to heal: Breaking up is challenging and can make you second-guess yourself. Give yourself time to heal and process your emotions.
• Establish boundaries and limit contact: Set clear boundaries for future contact to make the breakup easier. Limit contact with your ex and mute them on social media if necessary.
• Focus on yourself: Take time to appreciate yourself and continue to reflect on your personal journey. Focus on your goals and make a positive impact on your life.

Frequently asked questions