Arielle Cruz
Alcohol abuse and addiction can be challenging for both the person drinking and their loved ones. It can be difficult to know how to approach someone about their drinking problem, and you may worry about upsetting them or feel scared to face the issue. However, it's important to remember that your loved one's drinking is unlikely to get better on its own and that you can offer valuable support and resources to help them address their alcohol misuse. Here are some strategies to help you approach an alcoholic about their problem:
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What You'll Learn
Recognising the signs of alcohol misuse
Alcohol misuse is when someone drinks in a way that is harmful or when they are dependent on alcohol. Alcohol misuse can lead to serious health conditions and social problems such as unemployment, divorce, domestic abuse and homelessness. Alcohol use disorder (AUD), or alcoholism, is a common medical condition characterised by a person's impaired ability to stop or control their alcohol use despite adverse social, occupational, or health consequences.
People with AUD may not always recognise or accept that their drinking is affecting their quality of life and relationships. They may also be in denial about the severity of their drinking problem. If you are concerned that someone you know may be misusing alcohol, there are several warning signs to look out for. These include:
- Drinking in isolation or secretively
- Irritability and extreme mood swings
- Making excuses for drinking or drinking at unacceptable times and places
- Choosing drinking over other responsibilities and obligations
- Becoming isolated or distant from friends and family
- Changes in appearance or a change in their group of friends
- Drinking more or for longer than planned
- Trying and failing to cut back or stop drinking
- Spending a lot of time drinking or recovering from hangovers
- Constantly thinking about alcohol
- Developing problems at work, school, or with friends and family due to drinking
- Getting into dangerous situations while drinking, such as driving or operating machinery
- Continuing to drink despite negative physical or psychological consequences
- Needing to drink more to achieve the desired effects or to function "normally"
- Experiencing alcohol withdrawal symptoms such as insomnia, anxiety, or depression
- Increased drug tolerance
- Financial problems or unexplained need for money
- Frequently getting into legal trouble or accidents
- Neglecting responsibilities at work, school, or home
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Preparing what to say
It is important to prepare what you want to say before approaching an alcoholic about their problem. Here are some suggestions on how to go about it:
- Accept your feelings: It is normal to feel nervous or upset before having this conversation. Take time to accept your feelings and do not suppress them.
- Practice what you'll say: Try writing a script or role-playing the conversation with a friend ahead of time.
- Plan to keep it brief: Focus on one change that could help the person.
- Use positive language: Avoid judging and shaming. Instead of saying, "I wish you wouldn't drink every night," try saying, "How about trying a few alcohol-free nights each week?"
- Provide specific examples: Explain how their drinking has impacted you. For example, "I was looking forward to watching the film with you, and I was disappointed when you stayed in the pub."
- Offer solutions: Suggest activities that don't involve drinking, such as grabbing a coffee or attending alcohol-free events.
- Highlight the benefits of change: Emphasize the positive outcomes of reducing alcohol intake, such as improved health or financial savings.
- Show that you understand: Acknowledge that cutting back on drinking is challenging, and offer your support.
- Encourage treatment and provide resources: Suggest they seek professional help or join support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous. Offer to accompany them to appointments or meetings.
- Avoid blaming, shaming, or lecturing: Using outdated and stigmatizing labels like "alcoholic" or "addict" can upset the person and make them defensive. Instead, focus on their behaviour and express your concerns without accusing.
- Provide facts: Share information about the effects of alcohol and the signs of alcohol misuse.
- Offer to join them in seeking help: Suggest that you both attend counselling sessions or support group meetings together.
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Choosing the right time to talk
Approaching a loved one about their drinking problem can be challenging and painful. It is important to choose the right time to talk about their alcohol misuse. Here are some tips to help you with this difficult conversation:
Choose a calm time
Wait for a time when you are both feeling calm and can focus on the conversation without distractions. Avoid bringing up the topic when your loved one is intoxicated, stressed, or experiencing a hangover, as this may trigger strong emotions that could get out of hand.
Prepare in advance
Before you initiate the conversation, take time to accept your own feelings and emotions. It is normal to feel nervous or upset about addressing a loved one's drinking problem. Practise what you will say by writing a script or role-playing the conversation with a friend. Preparing in advance can help you stay calm and avoid saying something you may later regret.
Focus on specific changes
Plan to keep the conversation brief and focused on one specific change that could help your loved one. For example, suggest having a few alcohol-free nights each week or grabbing a coffee instead of a drink.
Emphasise the benefits of change
When discussing the issue, highlight the real benefits of drinking less. For instance, emphasise the money they would save or how it could improve their work attendance.
Be supportive and non-judgmental
Remember that shaming, lecturing, or blaming your loved one is unlikely to be productive. Instead, approach the conversation with care and empathy. Show that you understand their struggle and offer your support. Let them know you are available to talk whenever they feel the urge to drink.
Encourage treatment and further steps
If your loved one is open to seeking help, offer to give them a ride to local Alcoholics Anonymous meetings or suggest a check-up with their doctor. You can also encourage them to join support groups or try different self-help options.
Remember, it may take several conversations for your loved one to acknowledge their drinking problem and commit to treatment. Be patient, persistent, and supportive throughout this process.
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Encouraging treatment
It is important to remember that you cannot force someone to stop abusing alcohol. However, you can present your concerns in a way that encourages them to seek help. Before you talk to them, take time to accept your own feelings and prepare a plan. You might want to practice what you'll say by writing a script or roleplaying the conversation with a friend. It is also important to be well-informed about the effects of alcohol and the signs of alcohol misuse so that you can present the facts.
When you talk to them, focus on the benefits of making a change. For example, you could say, "Think about the money you'd save if you cut back on drinking." You could also suggest specific alternatives, such as "Let's do things that don't involve drinking. How about grabbing a coffee?" It is also important to show that you understand that drinking less is hard for them, and that you are there to support them.
If your loved one is already receiving professional treatment, a relapse might be a sign that the treatment plan needs to be adjusted. Suggest that they try a new approach, such as different self-help groups, or advise them to lean into any treatments that seem to be working. You could also encourage them to schedule a checkup with their doctor, as this is a great opportunity to talk about their drinking patterns with a trusted professional.
Remember, it is important to take care of yourself when you are concerned about a loved one's alcohol misuse. This could involve seeking support through resources or therapy, or finding a support group for friends and family of people with drinking problems.
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Looking after yourself
It is important to take care of yourself when dealing with a loved one's alcohol abuse. It can be a challenging and painful experience, and you may feel nervous or upset about approaching them. Remember that you are not alone in this situation, and seeking support through resources or therapy can help you feel less isolated. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, counsellor, or spiritual leader, or joining support groups for friends and family of people with drinking problems, such as Al-Anon.
It is crucial to accept your feelings and take time for yourself. Do not neglect your own needs and continue to do things you enjoy. Make sure you are not consumed by your loved one's drinking problem and take a step back when needed. Understand that you cannot fix the problem or change their behaviour; they need to make that decision themselves. Do not blame yourself for their drinking or their relapses.
Be prepared for common reactions such as anger, denial, or defensiveness. If the conversation is not productive, take a break and give your loved one space. Remember that it may take several conversations before they are ready to accept help. Focus on offering support and encouragement, and avoid lecturing, shaming, or threatening them.
It is also important to be consistent in your words and actions. Do not continue to drink with them or cover up their dropped responsibilities, as this prevents them from seeing the consequences of their actions. Instead, offer solutions and positive reinforcement when they make progress. Encourage them to seek professional help and provide them with resources, but ultimately, they must take responsibility for their drinking habits.
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Frequently asked questions
There are several signs that could indicate that someone has a problem with alcohol. These can be physical, such as bloodshot eyes, smelling of alcohol, sleeping more than usual, or an unsteady gait. There are also behavioural signs, such as frequent anger, loss of interest in relationships or work, and lying about alcohol use.
It is important to remember that you are not their therapist or counsellor, and you cannot force someone to stop drinking. You should not lecture, shame, threaten, or blame the person, as this can be counterproductive. Instead, have a conversation and try to listen as much as you speak. Pick a time when they are sober and in a good mood, and express your concerns honestly and calmly.
Focus on the benefits of cutting down or quitting drinking, such as improved health or financial savings. Use specific examples to show how their drinking has had consequences, and offer solutions. You could say, "I know that drinking less is hard for you. How can I support you?" or "Let's do things that don't involve drinking. How about grabbing a coffee?".
Encourage the person to seek professional help, such as by scheduling a check-up with their doctor or joining a support group. You can also involve other family members or friends so that you are not going through this alone. Look after yourself, too—it can be challenging to deal with a loved one's drinking problem, so make sure to seek support for yourself if needed.
