Arielle Cruz
Attracting alcoholics into your life could be due to a variety of factors. One factor could be that you are an adult child of an alcoholic, which may have conditioned you to seek out similar relationships in adulthood. Another factor could be that you are a compassionate person, which can attract people who mistake your kindness for co-dependence. Additionally, you may be an empath, giving off a healing aura that attracts people who need help. However, it is important to remember that you are not responsible for saving or fixing anyone, and that you should prioritize setting healthy boundaries and respecting your own beliefs.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Codependency | Needy, vulnerable, lonely, or bored |
| Childhood trauma | Parents with alcohol issues |
| Empathy | Drawn to men who need help |
| Compassion | Feeling "safe" and having good "energy" |
| Self-love | Lack of self-acceptance |
| Denial | Ignoring red flags |
| Toxic attraction | Addictive personalities |
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What You'll Learn
Codependency and childhood experiences
Codependency is a term that became popular in the 1940s to describe the behavioural and relationship problems of people living with others who had substance use disorder (SUD). Codependency is also used to describe a one-sided relationship, where one person, the helper, finds fulfilment and purpose through being needed. Codependents lack a sense of self and don't recognise their innate value. They rely on relationships to provide them with a sense of identity and feel comfortable or worthy only when they are in the role of a helper or enabler.
Childhood trauma may lead to codependency in adulthood. Trauma can take many forms, but it often results in lasting consequences, including physical and mental health problems, substance abuse, and codependent relationships. Children who experience trauma may develop "fawning" behaviours, becoming helpful to the aggressor as a survival skill. They may also grow up to be adults who need to care for or have someone depend on them, providing the other side of the codependent relationship.
People with codependency may have grown up in a traumatic environment where their painful experiences were invalidated. They may have received messages that they "asked for" the abuse or that they should sacrifice everything for others. As a result, they may have an intense need for others to do things for them and may overfocus on the other person in a relationship, trying to control or fix them.
If you recognise that you have codependent tendencies, it is important to seek help and support to address and heal from the trauma that may be underlying these behaviours.
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Self-destructive patterns
One possible explanation for attracting alcoholics could be a tendency towards codependency. Codependency is a learned behaviour, often stemming from childhood experiences. Individuals with codependent tendencies may have a strong desire to rescue or fix others, which can make them attractive to alcoholics who are seeking someone to enable their addiction. Codependents may ignore red flags or accept excuses, making them more likely to remain in unhealthy relationships.
Another factor could be a need to feel needed or wanted. Alcoholics may be drawn to individuals who are vulnerable, lonely, or needy, as they can provide a sense of purpose or validation. This dynamic can create a mutually reinforcing cycle, where the alcoholic relies on their partner to enable their addiction, and the partner feels needed and valued, despite the negative consequences of the relationship.
Additionally, growing up in an environment with alcoholic parents or caregivers can also contribute to self-destructive patterns. Children may internalise the belief that it is their responsibility to fix their parents' problems, including alcoholism. As adults, they may unconsciously seek out alcoholic partners, hoping to finally resolve their childhood trauma.
Breaking these self-destructive patterns requires self-reflection, self-love, and a willingness to set boundaries. It's important to recognise that you cannot save or fix someone else; they are responsible for their own behaviour. Seeking counselling or support groups, such as Al Anon, can provide valuable insight and help you develop healthier relationship patterns.
Finally, it's worth considering whether there are any underlying personality traits or behaviours that make you more attractive to alcoholics. For example, being compassionate or empathetic can be positive qualities, but they may also attract individuals who take advantage of your kindness. Learning to set healthy boundaries and prioritising self-care are essential steps towards breaking self-destructive patterns.
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Wanting to save/fix people
It is understandable to want to help a loved one in need. However, wanting to save or fix people can sometimes be a symptom of a "savior complex" or "white knight syndrome". This complex is a psychological construct that makes a person feel the need to save or fix others, often sacrificing their own needs in the process.
People with savior tendencies often use helping behaviour to cope with personal challenges. They may be broken themselves and find it easier to help others rather than seek help for their own problems. For example, if you grew up with an alcoholic parent, you may have been conditioned to want to fix their behaviour as an adult, in a way that you couldn't as a child.
Additionally, those with savior complex may seek out difficult situations, such as relationships with troubled individuals, because of a strong desire to help that person become the thriving human being they envision. They may also feel that they are not living up to their highest potential if they are not helping people. However, this can become a destructive behaviour, and it is important to recognise that more harm can be done if we do not let the person learn and grow themselves.
If you feel that you are obsessed with fixing people, it may be worth speaking to a licensed therapist to explore the root causes of this need.
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Compassionate nature
Attracting alcoholics into your life could be due to a variety of reasons, one of which could be your compassionate nature. Being compassionate is not the same as being codependent, but it can attract people who do not know the difference. Alcoholics and addicts have an innate ability to gravitate towards those who are compassionate, vulnerable, lonely, or bored. They seek out those who will enable their addiction and make it easy for them to continue their behaviour without facing consequences.
If you have a compassionate nature, you may give off a "healing aura" that attracts people who need help. You may be drawn to men who need support, and they may take advantage of your kindness and empathy. It is important to be careful, as "healing" can also be seen as a "doormat".
Additionally, if you grew up with an alcoholic parent, you may have been conditioned to believe that it is your job to fix their problems. This could lead to a cycle of attracting alcoholic partners as an adult, as you subconsciously try to recreate the dynamic from your childhood.
It is also possible that you are attracted to certain personality types that are more likely to be substance abusers. Reflecting on the commonalities between the people you have dated can help you identify any patterns and make more informed choices in the future.
Breaking these patterns requires self-love, nurturing, and acceptance. It is important to recognise that you cannot fix or save anyone; people are responsible for their own behaviour. By setting healthy boundaries and prioritising your well-being, you can attract healthier relationships into your life.
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Attracted to certain personality types
It is possible that you are attracted to certain personality types that are more likely to be substance abusers. It may be worth reflecting on the type of people you are attracted to and why. For instance, you may be attracted to people who need help or fixing, and this could be because you are an empath and give off a "healing aura". However, it is important to be careful as 'healing' can also be interpreted as 'doormat'.
People with addictive personalities may also be attracted to you because you are compassionate, and you may be enabling their addiction by putting up with certain behaviours, ignoring red flags, and not setting healthy boundaries.
It is also worth considering whether you are attracted to addicts because you are subconsciously trying to fix a familiar dynamic from your childhood. For example, if your parent was an alcoholic, you may have been conditioned to that sort of behaviour and want to fix it as an adult. This could be a result of the message you received when you were younger that love is about finding the right person to love you, rather than becoming the right person yourself.
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Frequently asked questions
You may be giving off a "healing aura" that alcoholics are attracted to. This could be because you are an empath, or because you are codependent and they are seeking someone to rescue.
Try to recognise the signs of addiction and codependency and set healthy boundaries. Work on being the "right" person for yourself, rather than trying to find the "right" person to love you.
Recovery programs like Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, and Codependents Anonymous can help you gain self-awareness and start the journey toward a healthier, happier life. Counselling and books like *Codependent No More* may also be helpful.
