Theo Nash
Alcoholics often exhibit unpredictable and abusive behaviour towards their loved ones, including lying, deceit, manipulation, and violence. This behaviour stems from the alcoholic's internal turmoil and attempts to self-regulate by controlling their external environment. They may deny their addiction and refuse to acknowledge the root cause of their problems, instead blaming others for their issues and seeking to provoke anger and meltdowns. Enabling an alcoholic, such as by making excuses for their absence from work or providing them with money that enables their addiction, prevents them from facing the consequences of their actions and recovering from their addiction. It is crucial to set firm boundaries and encourage the alcoholic to seek professional help, while also recognizing that recovery is ultimately their responsibility.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Lying, deceit, and manipulation | The alcoholic may try to shift blame to innocent bystanders and insist they don't have a problem |
| Abusive behaviour | Rage attacks, violence, and outbursts |
| Grandiosity and entitlement | Alcoholics may feel a sense of superiority and that they can do no wrong |
| Lack of consequences | Alcoholics may feel enabled to act without repercussions, e.g., losing their driver's license but relying on others for rides |
| Financial support | Enabling through providing money or purchasing alcohol for them |
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What You'll Learn
Alcoholics may blame others for their behaviour
Alcoholism is a dangerous disease that can have serious consequences on one's physical health, mental health, social well-being, and occupational success. It is a challenging medical condition that often requires professional substance abuse treatment to overcome. When someone develops an alcohol use disorder (AUD), they experience a significant alteration in how their brain functions, which can cause them to blame their spouse or others for things beyond their control.
Another reason alcoholics may blame others is to justify their addictive and harmful behaviour. They may claim that the actions or words of others are the reason they need to drink. These are self-told lies that allow them to deflect their problems onto others and avoid facing them directly. By blaming others, alcoholics can maintain their drinking habit because it allows them to convince themselves that they are not responsible for how their addiction impacts their lives and the lives of those around them. This belief that they have no power over their lives and decisions can hinder their recovery and make it easier for them to continue their alcohol abuse.
Enabling an alcoholic can also contribute to their blame behaviour. Enabling behaviours, such as making excuses for their absence at work or researching how to get their license back, prevent the alcoholic from facing the consequences of their alcohol use. While it may be challenging, setting boundaries with a loved one struggling with alcoholism is important. Remember that you cannot control their drinking habits. Instead, focus on setting clear boundaries and encouraging them to seek professional help.
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Alcoholics may deny their addiction
Alcoholics may also struggle with self-awareness and decision-making due to changes in brain chemistry caused by excessive drinking. This can lead to impulsive behaviours and a lack of insight into their reckless behaviour, making it difficult for them to recognise the severity of their addiction.
Additionally, enablers, such as well-meaning family and friends, may unintentionally reinforce denial by rescuing alcoholics from the consequences of their actions. They may make excuses for their loved one's behaviour, cover up their drinking, or pay their bills, preventing the alcoholic from facing the full impact of their addiction.
It's important to note that not all people struggling with alcoholism are in denial. Some individuals may be fully aware of their unhealthy relationship with alcohol but may not choose to seek help. However, denial can be a significant barrier to recovery, and addressing these unhealthy drinking patterns is crucial for those who are in denial.
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Alcoholics may manipulate loved ones
Alcoholics may manipulate their loved ones through various means, often as a defensive mechanism to shield themselves from the stressors, threats, or fears associated with their addiction. This manipulation can take the form of gaslighting, where the alcoholic covertly sows seeds of doubt in their loved ones, making them question their memory, perception, or judgment. Victims of such gaslighting may experience anxiety, depression, isolation, and a decline in self-worth, which further entrenches the power dynamics and enables the alcoholic to maintain their addiction.
Enabling behaviours by loved ones can also inadvertently support the addiction. For example, providing financial support or making excuses for an alcoholic's absence can prevent them from facing the consequences of their alcohol use. Additionally, the desire to feel needed or to protect loved ones from legal consequences can lead to "putting pillows under" them, softening the impact of their mistakes.
Alcoholics may also manipulate through guilt and shame, lying about their substance abuse or employing a "lesser evil" argument, such as claiming it's better to be drinking at home than engaging in dangerous behaviour elsewhere. They may also exhibit a sense of exceptionalism, convincing themselves and others that their addiction is not severe enough to warrant treatment. This can make it challenging for loved ones to confront the reality of the situation and guide the alcoholic towards seeking help.
Recognizing these manipulation tactics is crucial for loved ones to effectively respond and support the alcoholic's recovery. It is important to remain calm, informed, and firm in setting boundaries while avoiding enabling behaviours that perpetuate the cycle of addiction. Seeking support from resources like Al-Anon or professional therapy can help loved ones navigate these complex dynamics and promote recovery for both parties.
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Alcoholics may become violent
One factor is "trait anger," which refers to a person's general tendency to experience chronic anger. Alcohol can increase feelings of anger, especially in individuals with higher levels of trait anger, leading to aggressive behavior. This is supported by social learning theories, which suggest that individuals' expectations of the effects of alcohol ("alcohol outcome expectancies" or AOEs) contribute to violent behavior, particularly if they have experienced aggression while intoxicated in the past.
Additionally, neurobiological factors, such as neuroinflammation, gut microbiome disruption, and gene-environment interactions affecting neurotransmitter systems, also play a role in alcohol-induced aggression. Prior experience of violent conflicts and early childhood environmental conditions, especially social exclusion and discrimination, further increase the likelihood of alcohol-induced aggression.
Alcohol-related aggression is not limited to acute alcohol consumption but also occurs with chronic alcohol consumption and alcohol dependence. Studies indicate that violent behavior occurs in a significant proportion of alcohol-dependent patients, ranging from 16% to 50%. Alcohol-dependent individuals who experience heavy intoxication at least once a year are involved in violence approximately twice as often as those with low to moderate alcohol consumption.
Furthermore, alcohol-related aggression has been linked to intimate partner violence. Biological factors contributing to alcoholism, such as head injury, neurochemistry, physiological reactivity, metabolism, and genetics, can increase the risk of intimate partner violence. Alcohol-dependent men in intimate relationships have been found to commit violence against women significantly more frequently than non-alcohol-dependent men.
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Enabling an alcoholic can be detrimental to their recovery
- Ignoring their behaviour: Turning a blind eye to their drinking or minimizing the severity of the problem.
- Financial support: Giving them money, even if it is a loan, can enable them to purchase alcohol or drugs.
- Making excuses: Calling in sick for them because they are hungover or covering up for their drinking provides an excuse for their behaviour.
- Taking over responsibilities: Doing their work, household chores, or other duties allows them to avoid the consequences of their drinking.
Instead of enabling, there are several ways to help support a loved one's recovery:
- Set boundaries: Firmly communicate what behaviours you will not accept, such as drinking in your home.
- Encourage treatment: Encourage your loved one to seek professional help, such as therapy or support groups, to address their alcohol use disorder.
- Provide emotional support: Offer your love and support without enabling their drinking. Listen non-judgmentally and encourage them to talk about their feelings and seek help.
- Educate yourself: Learn about alcohol use disorder and recovery. Understand the signs of enabling and how to provide effective support.
Stopping enabling behaviour can be challenging and may lead to uncertainty about the outcome. It is important to remember that facing the consequences of their actions can motivate the person to seek help and begin their recovery journey. Seeking support for yourself is also crucial; attending support groups or family therapy can provide valuable guidance and assistance in navigating this complex situation.
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Frequently asked questions
Examples of enabling an alcoholic include giving them money that they could use to buy alcohol, buying alcohol for them, and making excuses for them when they are hungover so that they don't have to face the consequences of their alcohol use.
Set firm boundaries, such as not allowing drinking in your home, and encourage them to seek help. You can also attend an Al-Anon meeting for support.
Alcoholics often feel a sense of grandiosity and entitlement when intoxicated, and they may blame others for their negative emotions and internal turmoil.
Family members of people with alcohol abuse problems can refer to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline for information on support and treatment facilities in their area. There are also booklets and support groups specifically for family members, such as Al-Anon and Alateen.
Alcoholics may try to make others feel sorry for them by blaming innocent bystanders for their anger and meltdowns, or by trying to guilt-trip you into feeling responsible for their moods and emotional well-being.
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