Noah Vinter
Discovering that your husband is a functioning alcoholic can be emotionally isolating and scary, especially if you have children. It can be difficult to know what to do or how to help your spouse. The main trait of functioning alcoholics is that they continue to work, take care of their children, and fulfill their responsibilities as usual. However, they are simultaneously becoming more dependent on alcohol. It is important to recognize the signs of high-functioning alcoholism, such as drinking alone or drinking more than the recommended amount. If you notice these signs, you should have an honest conversation with your husband about his drinking and encourage him to seek treatment. It is also crucial to prioritize your own mental health and well-being during this challenging journey.
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What You'll Learn
Recognise the signs of high-functioning alcoholism
Recognising the signs of high-functioning alcoholism in your husband can be challenging, as they may still go to work, take care of their children, and fulfil responsibilities as usual. However, there are some warning signs that may indicate your husband is a high-functioning alcoholic:
- Drinking alone, especially after work or during the day, can be a sign that your husband is using alcohol to "numb" himself from underlying issues, such as trauma or mental health problems.
- Hiding their drinking or the extent of their consumption, especially from loved ones. This could include hiding bottles of alcohol or lying about how much they drink.
- Making excuses for their drinking, such as saying they need a drink because they are stressed or had a hard day.
- Inability to stop at one drink, suffering from withdrawal when they stop drinking, and an increasing tolerance and dependence on alcohol.
- Mood swings, lies, and excuses that can create an unpredictable and exhausting environment for you and your family.
- Withdrawing from social situations and finding excuses to miss events or optional commitments where drinking is not available or possible.
- Increased risk of legal issues, such as driving under the influence or making other poor decisions.
- Physical consequences, such as liver damage, and potential development of heart, respiratory, and gastrointestinal disorders.
- Burnout, as maintaining the outward appearance of success while struggling with alcohol dependence can be exhausting.
- Enabling behaviours from spouses, such as making excuses for their actions or covering their expenses related to alcohol use.
If you recognise these signs in your husband, it is important to prioritise your own mental health and well-being, set clear boundaries, and encourage your husband to seek professional help.
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Prioritise your mental health and well-being
Living with a functioning alcoholic husband can be emotionally draining, stressful, and unpredictable. It can make you feel uneasy, scared, isolated, and alone. Prioritising your mental health and well-being is vital to protect your health, family, and relationships. Here are some ways to do that:
Set clear boundaries and stick to them. Understand what you are and are not willing to tolerate, and communicate this clearly to your husband. For example, you may decide that you will not enable his drinking by buying liquor to keep in the house or drinking with him.
Nurture a positive environment and surround yourself with supportive people who will contribute to a healthy environment. This may include seeking support from friends, family, or support groups. Support groups such as Al-Anon and Alateen can provide emotional support and resources to help you cope with having a loved one who is struggling with alcohol abuse.
Take care of yourself by practicing self-care and seeking support for yourself. This may include therapy, support groups, or other self-care activities that promote your well-being. It is important to recognise that you cannot "help" your husband, and trying to do so may prolong his rejection of getting help for himself.
Consider a trial separation if you are unsure about staying in the marriage. A trial separation can give you space to assess how your husband's drinking has affected your family life, mental health, and financial stability, and make a more informed decision about your future.
Encourage your husband to seek treatment at a qualified rehab facility or addiction treatment centre. Research treatment options or recovery programs and help your husband find the most suitable treatment plan. However, remember that he needs to take responsibility for his own recovery and that you cannot force him to get help if he is not willing.
Remember, it is important to prioritise your own mental health and well-being during this challenging journey.
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Set clear boundaries and nurture a positive environment
Living with a functioning alcoholic husband can be emotionally draining, stressful, and isolating. It can make you feel scared and uneasy about your future, especially if you have children. It is important to set clear boundaries and nurture a positive environment for yourself and your children.
Firstly, you need to understand your own boundaries and stick to them. Decide what you can and cannot tolerate, and communicate this clearly to your husband. For example, you may decide that you will not enable his drinking by buying liquor or drinking with him to normalize his behavior. Emphasize that you will not cover for him if he misses family functions or other important events due to his drinking.
Secondly, prioritize your mental health and well-being. Take care of yourself and your children during the recovery journey. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to ensure you have a healthy support system. It is also important to raise awareness of healthy lifestyle choices and model these behaviors and habits for your spouse and children.
Thirdly, encourage your husband to seek help and treatment. Research treatment options and recovery programs together, and help him find the most suitable plan. Offer to accompany him to meetings or therapy sessions, and support him throughout the process.
Finally, maintain open and honest communication with your husband. Have direct conversations about his drinking, and express your concerns about the impact on your family. Be prepared to follow through on any consequences you set, such as leaving if he refuses to get help. Remember, it is important to protect yourself and your children from the potential negative consequences of his alcoholism.
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Research treatment options and recovery programs
Researching treatment options and recovery programs is an important step in helping your husband with his alcoholism. It can be emotionally draining and stressful to watch your spouse struggle with alcohol addiction. It is important to remember that there is no one-size-fits-all solution, and what works for one person may not work for another.
There are several treatment options available, including both outpatient and inpatient services. Outpatient services include regular office visits for counseling and medication support. Intensive outpatient care or partial hospitalization provides coordinated outpatient care for complex needs. Residential treatment programs offer low or high-intensity 24-hour treatment settings. Intensive inpatient programs provide medically-directed 24-hour services and can manage withdrawal.
In addition to these traditional treatment options, there are also "telehealth" services available, which are phone or video sessions for talk therapy or medical care. These can be particularly useful if you live in a location with few addiction health professionals. There are also computer-based cognitive-behavioral therapy programs available, which can be prescribed by a physician or licensed therapist.
When researching treatment options, it is important to look for evidence-based approaches that are backed by large, well-designed studies. You may also want to consider whether the program offers medication and addresses mental health issues alongside alcohol treatment. It is also important to gauge whether the treatment will be tailored to the individual and adapted to meet changing needs.
There are also mutual support groups available, which can provide additional support during the recovery journey. Family therapy can also be beneficial for those in recovery from addiction, as it involves the family in the treatment process.
Remember to take care of yourself during this process and seek support from others if needed.
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Understand the challenges of recovery
Understanding the challenges of recovery is a crucial step in helping your husband, who is a functioning alcoholic. This type of alcoholism is particularly difficult to address because, on the surface, your husband may seem to be functioning normally. They may still go to work, take care of their children, and fulfil responsibilities as usual. However, underneath, they are becoming more dependent on alcohol.
Functioning alcoholics rarely admit they have a problem. They may downplay the role of alcohol in their lives, make excuses for their drinking, and even hide their consumption. They may also withdraw from social situations to avoid situations where drinking is not possible. As their reliance on alcohol increases, you may notice mood swings, lies, and excuses, which can be exhausting and unpredictable to deal with.
Another challenge is that functioning alcoholics are often intelligent, hardworking, and well-educated. Their professional status or personal success can make it hard to confront them about their drinking problem. Additionally, as a spouse, you may feel isolated and alone, especially if your husband withdraws emotionally or becomes controlling. This can take a toll on your mental health and well-being, so it is important to set clear boundaries and prioritise self-care.
The road to recovery is a long one, and it requires a lot of hard work even after alcohol is removed from the equation. Your husband will need years of therapy and support to build new habits and coping mechanisms. Even with meaningful recovery, there is no guarantee of future sobriety, and relapse is always a possibility.
Finally, it is important to recognise that you cannot force your husband to recover. They need to decide to accept and take action for themselves. You can encourage them to seek treatment, but ultimately, their recovery is their responsibility.
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Frequently asked questions
Some signs that your husband may be a functioning alcoholic include drinking alone, drinking more than the recommended amount, drinking as a coping mechanism, hiding their alcohol consumption, and making excuses for their drinking.
Living with a functioning alcoholic can be emotionally taxing and isolating. You may experience stress, fear, and uncertainty about your future, especially if children are involved. It can also lead to codependency, where you protect your husband from the consequences of his drinking and sacrifice your own needs to maintain a facade of normalcy.
It is important to prioritize your own mental health and well-being. Set clear boundaries with your husband about what you will and will not tolerate, and seek support from trusted friends or family members. Have an honest and direct conversation with your husband when he is sober, expressing your concerns about his drinking and encouraging him to seek professional help.
Research treatment options or recovery programs together and help your husband find a suitable plan. There are various resources available, including 24-hour hotlines, detox centers, and rehab facilities. It is important to remember that recovery is a challenging journey, and your husband may need years of therapy and support to build new habits and coping mechanisms.
If your husband is in denial about his functioning alcoholism, you may need to stage an intervention with trusted people. It is important to follow through on any consequences you set, such as leaving if he does not get treatment. While it is a difficult decision, you may also consider a trial separation to assess the impact of his drinking on your family and your own well-being.
