Noah Vinter
Alcohol abuse and addiction, also known as alcohol use disorder, can affect not just the person drinking but also their friends and family. If you have a friend who you think might be an alcoholic, it can be difficult to know what to do or say. You may feel confused or hopeless, but there are several things you can do to help them. It's important to be aware of the signs of alcoholism, such as drinking heavily or frequently, losing interest in activities they once enjoyed, drinking to cope with stress or function, or becoming violent or abusive when drinking. If you notice these signs, it's crucial to talk to your friend about your concerns in a calm and non-confrontational manner. Offer them support and encourage them to seek professional help, such as counselling or treatment facilities. Remember to also take care of yourself and seek support from trusted friends or groups like Al-Anon.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Feelings | Shame, fear, anger, confusion, hopelessness, distress |
| Actions | Stop covering their tracks, seek support, prepare a plan, learn about addiction, time the talk, focus on results, expect pushback, set boundaries, offer to accompany them to appointments, sit with them while they call a helpline, make a concrete plan, stay connected, encourage hobbies, offer to help with errands, offer to make phone calls, fill out paperwork, offer alternative activities, do not give money, do not drink with them, do not give them money, do not let it consume you |
| Signs | Binge drinking, drinking during the week, hangovers at work, loss of interest in activities, drinking alone, drinking with others who drink a lot, drinking to be able to function, drinking in the morning, hiding alcohol, neglecting responsibilities, financial and legal difficulties, mistreating family members, becoming violent, driving while drunk, drinking at inappropriate times |
| Support | Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Alateen, Alcoholics Anonymous, Women for Sobriety, SMART Recovery, Drinkline, Drinkaware, NHS support services, Family Drug Helpline, Counselling Online, Regional Help and Support Services, Santé Center for Healing, rehab, physician, addiction specialist |
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What You'll Learn
Recognising the signs of alcoholism
Alcohol abuse and addiction, or "alcohol use disorder", affect not only the drinker but also their family and friends. It can be challenging to talk to a friend about their drinking, but it's important to try. Your friend may not be talking openly because they're ashamed or scared of what might happen if they get help. If you're concerned about a friend's drinking, it's best to talk to them about it.
- They drink heavily or seem unable to control how much they drink.
- They become violent or drive while drunk.
- They drink at inappropriate times, such as during the week or every night, and experience more hangovers at work.
- They drink to excess on weekends or holidays, possibly paying for your drinks so you will join them.
- They need to drink to calm down or function.
- They sneak alcohol into a water bottle at work, needing it constantly to cope.
- They have lost interest in activities they previously enjoyed.
- They prefer to spend time alone or with other heavy drinkers.
- They are getting into financial and legal difficulties.
- Their behaviour when drinking makes you nervous or upset.
If you notice these signs, it's important to seek help.
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Talking to them about their drinking
Talking to a friend about their drinking can be challenging, but it's important to try. Here are some tips to help you navigate this difficult conversation:
Prepare yourself:
Before approaching your friend, it's important to understand alcohol addiction and the signs of alcohol misuse. Educate yourself on the effects of alcohol and the potential consequences of excessive drinking. This knowledge will help you present your concerns clearly and effectively. Remember that addiction is a medical condition that requires professional help and support.
Choose the right time:
Timing is crucial when addressing your friend's drinking. Avoid approaching them when they've been drinking or when they're stressed, as this may trigger strong emotions that could hinder a productive conversation. Instead, look for a time when they're sober, well-rested, and in a comfortable, safe environment.
Express your concerns:
Start the conversation by expressing your care and concern for your friend's well-being. Explain how their drinking is affecting their health and could lead to further harm if left unchecked. Share specific examples of how their drinking has impacted their life and yours. Be honest and direct, but remember to approach the conversation with empathy and compassion.
Offer solutions and support:
Provide your friend with concrete next steps and options for seeking help. Offer to accompany them to doctor's appointments, group meetings, or counselling sessions. Look for local support groups, such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), or suggest contacting a helpline. Having a plan can make taking that first step towards recovery less daunting. Remember that recovery is an ongoing process, and your friend will need ongoing support and guidance.
Set boundaries:
While supporting your friend, it's important to set healthy boundaries. Explain that you are willing to help, but only if they are actively working towards addressing their alcoholism. Avoid enabling behaviours, such as lying for them, supplying them with alcohol or money, or taking over their responsibilities. Focus on empowering your friend to take responsibility for their actions and seek the help they need.
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Avoiding confrontations and enabling behaviours
Avoid Confrontations
Research shows that confrontational interventions are unlikely to help and may worsen the situation. Instead of a direct confrontation, have a calm conversation with your friend about their drinking. Choose a time when they are sober and well-rested, in a comfortable and safe setting. Express your concerns and care for their well-being, and focus on how their drinking is affecting their health. Be prepared for pushback and denial, and don't take it personally.
Don't Try to Control or Limit Their Drinking
Trying to match your friend's drinking to control or limit their intake is dangerous and counterproductive. Instead, stay sober when you're with them to set a good example and avoid encouraging their drinking.
Stop Covering for Them
Making excuses or lying to cover up their drinking prevents them from facing the consequences of their actions. While you should ensure their immediate safety, let them take responsibility for their actions and the resulting consequences.
Avoid Enabling Behaviours
Enabling behaviours include providing your friend with alcohol, money for alcohol, or transportation to buy alcohol. Additionally, do not engage in arguments with them when they are under the influence, and avoid taking over their responsibilities. Instead, focus on positive ways to encourage them to accept help and make changes.
Take Care of Yourself
Helping a friend with an alcohol problem can be emotionally taxing and take a toll on your well-being. Ensure you have a support system, whether it's trusted friends, a support group, a therapist, or a combination of these. Taking care of your own health will enable you to provide better support to your friend.
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Encouraging treatment and offering support
It is important to remember that your friend may be ashamed or scared of what might happen if they get help, and they may be in denial about their addiction. Many alcoholics are in denial, and if your friend feels like they are being accused, they may become defensive or walk away. It is also important to be aware that you may be unintentionally enabling their addiction. For example, by drinking with your friend, you may be encouraging them to drink more. Therefore, it is important to set a good example by staying sober in their company and finding other activities that you can enjoy together that don't involve drinking.
If your friend agrees that they have a problem but is unsure how to stop drinking, you can help by discussing potential solutions. Offer to help them with daily tasks and offer to make phone calls and fill out paperwork related to rehab admissions. You can also encourage them to talk to a doctor or counsellor, and offer to accompany them to appointments. You could also suggest activities that don't include drinking alcohol.
You can also help your friend by learning about addiction and the recovery process. You can talk to a professional, such as your primary care physician or an addiction specialist, to learn ways to discuss the situation with your friend. You can also encourage your friend to get help by offering to accompany them to support group meetings, such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).
It is important to remember that recovery is an ongoing process that requires time and patience. Your friend will need to find new ways of living without alcohol and tackle the problems that led to their alcohol abuse. It is also important to take care of yourself and seek support if needed. You can talk to a trusted friend, counsellor, or spiritual leader, or find a support group for friends and family of people with drinking problems, such as Al-Anon.
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Taking care of yourself
It is important to take care of your own emotional and mental health when dealing with a friend's alcoholism. Here are some ways to do that:
- Don't let it consume you: Alcoholism is not your fault, and you should not feel responsible for your friend's actions. Take a step back from time to time and focus on yourself.
- Don't enable their behaviour: Avoid trying to control them or limit their drinking by drinking with them. This will only encourage them to drink more. Instead, stay sober in their company and set a good example.
- Stop covering their tracks: Making excuses or covering up their dropped responsibilities will only keep them from seeing the consequences of their actions.
- Seek support: Confronting a friend about their drinking can be difficult. Talk to a trusted friend, counsellor, or spiritual leader about what you're going through. Support groups such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and Alateen offer networks of people in similar situations.
- Stay connected: Continue to do things you enjoy together and encourage their hobbies and healthy friendships.
- Set boundaries: Protect yourself from the negative consequences of their behaviour.
- Look after your health: Alcoholism can take a toll on your health and well-being. Ensure you get the support you need and don't try to face this alone.
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Frequently asked questions
Some signs that your friend may be an alcoholic include:
- They no longer want to participate in activities you used to enjoy together, unless they involve drinking.
- They drink at double the speed and quantity of everyone else in your group.
- They drink heavily every day, or even every night.
- They have become unreliable, calling in sick to work more often.
- They have started to neglect their responsibilities, get into financial and legal difficulties, or mistreat family members.
Here are some steps you can take to help your friend:
- Learn about addiction to become better informed about what they are going through.
- Talk to a professional such as your doctor or an addiction specialist to learn ways to discuss the situation with your friend.
- Choose a time when your friend is sober and well-rested to express your concerns.
- Offer to accompany them to doctor appointments, group meetings, or counseling sessions.
- Help them find a treatment facility and offer to give them a ride.
- Set boundaries and take care of your own mental health.
Here are some things you should avoid doing:
- Trying to drink with your friend to control or limit their drinking.
- Lying for your friend to cover up their drinking.
- Supplying your friend with alcohol, money, or transportation to buy alcohol.
- Taking over your friend's responsibilities.
