Dating An Alcoholic: To Tell Or Not To Tell?

Alcoholism, also known as alcohol addiction, alcohol abuse, alcohol dependence, or alcohol use disorder (AUD), is a condition characterized by excessive and repetitive alcohol consumption that negatively impacts the drinker and those around them. Dating an alcoholic can be challenging and affect one's mental, physical, and emotional health. It can be difficult to determine whether a partner is an alcoholic, but signs include a partner's social activities revolving around alcohol, drinking at any time of day, and neglecting personal hygiene and finances. If you suspect your partner is an alcoholic, it is important to prioritize your well-being, set boundaries, and encourage them to seek professional help.

Recognising signs of alcohol use disorder

Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a common medical condition characterised by an impaired ability to stop or control alcohol use despite adverse social, occupational, or health consequences. It is a progressive disease that develops over time, and the signs can be subtle. However, when the person at risk continues to drink, the signs become more apparent and numerous until the problem becomes obvious.

• Their social activities revolve around alcohol. For example, they may attend a date night where alcohol isn't present, only to suggest going to a bar later.
• They drink whatever they can obtain, rather than sticking to a few favourite types of alcohol.
• They always seem to have just enough money for drinks, even when they can't afford other expenses.
• They use alcohol as a stress reliever or to self-medicate mental health symptoms such as anxiety or depression.
• They drink at any time of day to satisfy their cravings and may drink first thing in the morning, mid-afternoon, or late at night.
• They become easily irritated or experience mood swings and personality changes when they haven't had a drink in a while.
• They miss work or neglect other commitments due to drinking.
• They ask you to cover for them when they've been drinking, such as calling their job to say they're sick.
• They borrow money from you, possibly due to spending their money on alcohol.
• They have a family history of AUD, which increases their risk of developing the disorder.

If you recognise these signs in your partner, it's important to approach the conversation from a supportive and loving place, rather than a judgmental or accusing one. You can also seek support for yourself through self-help groups such as Al-Anon, which offers support groups for friends and family members of people with AUD.

Knowing when to seek help

Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a progressive disease that develops over time. If you are dating someone with AUD, it is important to know when to seek help. Here are some signs that indicate it may be time to intervene and encourage your partner to seek professional support:

• Social activities revolve around alcohol: If your partner chooses to attend events where alcohol is available and spends time with others who drink, this could be an early sign of AUD. For example, they may suggest going to a bar after a date night or a movie.
• Drinking habits and behaviour: People with AUD will drink whatever alcohol they can obtain and may always have just enough money to pay for drinks, even if it means neglecting financial obligations or other purchases. They may also drink at any time of day to satisfy their cravings and may become irritable or experience mood swings if they haven't had a drink in a while.
• Impact on relationships and responsibilities: AUD can lead to missed work, legal troubles, loss of relationships, and financial difficulties. If your partner is neglecting their commitments and responsibilities, it may be time to seek help.
• Emotional and behavioural changes: Your partner may become emotionally distant, abusive, or accusatory when confronted about their drinking. They may also ask you to cover for them when they are drunk or borrow money, further straining the relationship.

If you recognise these signs in your partner, it is important to approach the conversation with care and compassion. Rehearse what you want to say beforehand, and ensure your words come from a supportive and loving place. Encourage your partner to seek professional help, whether that be through rehab centres, cognitive-behavioural therapy, or support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Remember to also prioritise your own well-being during this difficult time and seek support from friends, family, or counselling groups if needed.

How to approach the topic with your partner

If you suspect that your partner is an alcoholic, there are several signs that may indicate they have a problem with alcohol. These can include:

• Their social activities revolve around alcohol.
• They drink at any time of day to satisfy their cravings.
• They have uncontrolled cravings and may develop alcohol withdrawal syndrome if they go too long without drinking.
• They have a family history of alcohol abuse.
• They prioritise alcohol over other financial commitments.
• They have a high tolerance for alcohol and can "hold their liquor".

If you recognise some of these signs in your partner, it is important to approach the topic with care and compassion. Here are some suggestions on how to do this:

Rehearse what you want to say: Before you speak to your partner, take some time to think about what you want to say. It's important to come from a supportive and loving place, rather than a judgmental or accusatory one. Be honest, and keep things short and simple. Focus on how their drinking is affecting you and the relationship, rather than accusing them of being an alcoholic.

Seek professional help: Consider reaching out to a professional interventionist or a therapist who specialises in alcohol addiction. They can help you organise an intervention, which is when loved ones come together to discuss their concerns and offer a plan of action. It may also be helpful for you to attend group therapy or support groups, such as Al-Anon, to get support for yourself and learn how to cope with your partner's addiction.

Set boundaries: It's important to communicate your concerns and set boundaries with your partner. Let them know how their drinking is affecting you and the relationship, and work together to find solutions. For example, you might ask them to cut back on their drinking or seek professional help.

Take care of yourself: Dating an alcoholic can take a toll on your mental, physical, and emotional health. It's important to prioritise your own happiness and well-being, even if that means taking some distance from your partner. Remember, it's not selfish to look out for yourself.

Encourage treatment: If your partner recognises that they have a problem with alcohol, encourage them to seek treatment. There are many effective treatments available, including rehab centres and therapy programmes, that can help them overcome their addiction. Offer to accompany them to appointments or support groups if they wish.

Remember, it's important to approach this topic with sensitivity and compassion. Your partner may become defensive or deny that they have a problem. Try to remain calm and supportive, and focus on finding solutions together.

Looking after yourself

Dating someone with alcohol use disorder (AUD) can be challenging and emotionally draining. It is important to remember that you cannot directly change another person's behaviour, but you can control your own attitude and actions. Here are some tips on how to look after yourself:

• Set boundaries: It is important to establish clear and firm boundaries with your partner. Communicate your concerns and let them know how their drinking affects you and the relationship. You can support them on their journey to sobriety while also maintaining a healthy distance to avoid creating an unhealthy or codependent dynamic.
• Prioritise self-care: Living with a partner who has AUD can take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. Make sure to prioritise self-care and practice self-compassion. Engage in activities that nourish your mind and body, such as exercise, mindfulness techniques, or hobbies that bring you joy.
• Seek support: Consider joining support groups such as Al-Anon, which provides support for friends and family members of people struggling with addiction. Connecting with others who are going through similar experiences can provide valuable insight and emotional support. Additionally, individual therapy or counselling can help you process your feelings and make informed decisions about your relationship.
• Encourage professional help: Encourage your partner to seek professional help. Offer to accompany them to meetings or therapy sessions, and provide emotional support throughout their journey to recovery. However, remember that you cannot force them to seek help. If they refuse, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship and consider whether it is healthy for you to stay.
• Take time for yourself: It is easy to become consumed by your partner's addiction and neglect your own needs. Make sure to schedule time for yourself, engage in activities that bring you happiness, and nurture your relationships with friends and family. Maintaining your sense of self and independence can help you stay grounded and make more objective decisions about your relationship.
• Consider your safety: If your partner's drinking leads to abusive or violent behaviour, prioritise your safety. Have a safety plan in place, including a safe place to stay, and seek support from domestic violence organisations if needed.
• Be honest and supportive: When addressing your partner's drinking, approach the conversation from a place of love and support rather than judgement. Be honest about your concerns and the impact of their drinking on the relationship. Offer to help them find resources and treatment options, such as rehab centres or support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).

The impact on your relationship

Alcoholism, or alcohol use disorder (AUD), can have a significant impact on a person's relationship with their partner. It can affect the couple's mental, physical, and emotional well-being, and it can be challenging to maintain a healthy dynamic when one person is struggling with addiction.

People with AUD tend to prioritize drinking over everything else, including their relationships. They may neglect their partner's wants and needs, as well as their own self-care. They may also experience mood swings and personality changes, becoming easily irritated or upset due to alcohol withdrawal. This can lead to emotional abuse or distance within the relationship. Additionally, the non-alcoholic partner may begin to feel like a therapist or gatekeeper, neglecting their own happiness and health as they attempt to manage their partner's addiction.

Alcoholism can also create financial strain. An alcoholic will often spend money on alcohol even when funds are tight, neglecting financial obligations and prioritizing alcohol over bills or necessary purchases. This can cause stress and instability in a relationship.

The social aspects of alcoholism can also impact a couple. People with AUD often surround themselves with other drinkers, choosing drinking buddies over social activities that don't involve alcohol. This can lead to a couple spending less quality time together and may cause resentment if the non-alcoholic partner feels left out or bored.

Alcoholism can be a progressive disease, and the impact on a relationship may worsen over time if left unaddressed. It can be challenging to know how to help a partner struggling with AUD, and seeking professional support is often necessary. Support groups and therapy can help both the alcoholic and their partner cope with the impact of the disease on their relationship.

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