Helping A Sibling: Reaching Out To My Alcoholic Brother's Wife

If you have an alcoholic brother, you may be wondering how to help him and whether you should reach out to his wife. It's important to recognize the signs of alcohol addiction and understand when to seek professional support. Enabling an alcoholic brother can unintentionally make it easier for him to continue drinking, so setting healthy boundaries is crucial. Treatment options such as inpatient rehab or outpatient care are available, and it's recommended to prioritize your well-being while supporting your brother and deciding whether to connect with his wife.

Recognising signs of alcohol addiction

Alcohol addiction, or Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), is a common medical condition. People with AUD are unable to stop drinking, even when it negatively affects their health, safety, and personal relationships. While only a doctor or licensed addiction specialist can diagnose AUD, there are several signs and symptoms that may indicate your brother is struggling with alcohol addiction.

Firstly, people with AUD often experience strong cravings or urges to drink. They may also spend a lot of time obtaining, consuming, or recovering from alcohol, neglecting their responsibilities at work, school, or home. Additionally, they may give up or reduce important social, recreational, or work activities due to their drinking. AUD can also lead to relationship problems, as individuals may continue to drink despite alcohol causing tension with family, friends, or colleagues.

Another sign of AUD is the presence of physical withdrawal symptoms when the person is unable to drink. These symptoms may include tremors, sweating, nausea, anxiety, and irritability. Individuals with AUD may also drink in physically hazardous situations and continue to drink despite having a medical condition or mental disorder that worsens with alcohol consumption. They may also have a high tolerance for alcohol, requiring more drinks to achieve the desired effect.

It's important to note that enabling behaviours can unintentionally make it easier for your brother to continue drinking. Examples of enabling include bailing him out of legal trouble, minimising the seriousness of his drinking, or covering up for him at work or with family. Setting healthy boundaries, such as not allowing alcohol use in your home or refusing to provide financial support that could enable his drinking, can help protect both you and your brother.

If you recognise these signs in your brother, professional help is available. Treatment options include inpatient rehab, where your brother would live full-time at a treatment facility, or outpatient care, where he would attend therapy sessions while living at home. Both approaches typically involve behavioural therapy, such as Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and may include medication.

Enabling behaviours to avoid

Enabling behaviours are actions that may seem helpful but ultimately allow your brother to continue his drinking habits without facing the consequences. Here are some enabling behaviours to avoid:

Bailing your brother out of legal trouble

If your brother gets into legal trouble as a result of his drinking, such as facing fines or jail time, avoid bailing him out. While it may be tempting to help him in this situation, doing so enables him to avoid the consequences of his actions and can hinder his realisation of the severity of his problem.

Minimising the seriousness of his drinking problem

Even if your brother's drinking is harming his health or relationships, do not downplay the seriousness of his addiction. Recognise the signs of alcohol addiction and acknowledge that he has a problem. By minimising the issue, you may inadvertently be giving him permission to continue drinking without addressing the underlying issues.

Allowing alcohol use in your home

Set clear boundaries by not allowing your brother to consume alcohol in your home. This reinforces that you care about him but will not enable his addiction. It also helps create a safe and supportive environment for him during his recovery journey.

Loaning money

Refuse to loan your brother money if you suspect it will be used to purchase alcohol. Providing financial support in this way enables his drinking to continue and may delay his realisation of the need for professional help.

Covering up for him

Do not cover up for your brother by lying to his employer, family, or others on his behalf. While it may be tempting to protect him from the consequences of his drinking, doing so enables him to avoid taking responsibility for his actions.

Remember, while it is important to set boundaries and avoid enabling behaviours, you can still offer emotional and practical support to your brother. This may include attending family or group therapy sessions with him, helping with transportation to appointments or rehab, and encouraging him to seek professional help.

Inpatient and outpatient treatment options

If your brother is addicted to alcohol, recognizing the signs can help you understand when it’s time to seek professional support. While only a doctor or licensed addiction specialist can diagnose Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) outlines 11 criteria used to assess the severity of the condition. Signs that your brother may be addicted to drinking may include experiencing two or more of the following symptoms within the past year:

• Drinking more alcohol or for a longer period than intended.
• Trying to cut down or stop drinking but being unable to do so.
• Spending a lot of time obtaining, using, or recovering from alcohol.
• Experiencing strong cravings or urges to drink.
• Failing to meet responsibilities at work, school, or home due to drinking.
• Continuing to drink despite alcohol causing relationship problems.
• Giving up or reducing important social, work, or recreational activities due to drinking.

Enabling behaviours can include bailing your brother out of legal trouble, minimizing the seriousness of his drinking, or covering up for him. Setting healthy boundaries is important and can protect both you and your brother. Examples of setting boundaries include not allowing alcohol use in your home, refusing to loan money, and declining to cover up for him.

Inpatient treatment programs, also known as residential treatment programs, are intensive and are designed to treat serious substance use disorders (SUDs) and addictions. During inpatient treatment, patients live full-time at a treatment facility and receive 24-hour medical attention and emotional support. This level of care can be ideal for those with severe AUD, co-occurring mental health disorders, or those mixing alcohol with other substances.

Outpatient treatment programs offer a flexible alternative where patients can live at home and attend therapy sessions during the day or evening. Outpatient programs are generally less restrictive and allow patients to continue working or attending school. This option may be suitable for those with mild to moderate AUD who have a stable support system. Outpatient treatment often includes participation in recovery groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA), which have been shown to help recovering addicts stay sober.

Both inpatient and outpatient treatment programs typically include some form of evidence-based behavioural therapy, such as cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), to help individuals change their behaviours and thoughts related to alcohol.

If you are seeking treatment options for a loved one, SAMHSA’s National Helpline offers a free, confidential referral service for individuals and families facing mental health and substance use disorders. Trained information specialists can provide referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.

Setting boundaries and self-care

Setting boundaries with an alcoholic brother and taking care of oneself are crucial aspects of navigating a challenging situation. Here are some insights into both these aspects:

Setting Boundaries:

• Understanding the Need for Boundaries: Setting boundaries is about establishing respect for yourself and your brother. It provides a safe and secure environment for your brother to take steps towards recovery without feeling overwhelmed. It also helps you protect yourself from enabling behaviours that could lead to a relapse.
• Determining Unacceptable Behaviour: The first step is deciding what behaviour is unacceptable to you. For instance, you may not allow alcohol use in your home, refuse to lend money that could facilitate drinking, or decline to cover up for your brother's actions.
• Conveying Boundaries: When communicating boundaries, it's important to express love and concern. For example, "I care about you and want to support you in getting help." It's best to avoid lecturing, criticising, guilt-tripping, or using hurtful labels.
• Enforcing Boundaries: Enforcing boundaries can be challenging. It's important to understand that a boundary without a consequence is ineffective. Some consequences may involve creating distance, such as calmly confronting the person and then disengaging from the situation.
• Redrawing Boundaries: It's possible that the boundaries you set may not be enough, and your brother continues drinking. In such cases, you may need to adjust the boundaries.

Self-Care:

• Communication: Keep the lines of communication open with your brother. Choose a time when he is sober and free from distractions. Express your concerns without judgment and be patient, as change takes time.
• Avoid Enabling Behaviours: Understand that certain behaviours can unintentionally enable your brother's drinking. For example, bailing him out of legal trouble or minimising the seriousness of his drinking.
• Research and Encourage Treatment: Look into rehab centres, therapy options, and support groups that can help your brother. Offer to accompany him to meetings or therapy sessions.
• Seek Support for Yourself: Recognise that supporting a loved one with an alcohol use disorder (AUD) is difficult. Consider joining support groups for friends and family of alcoholics, such as Al-Anon, to help you navigate this challenging situation.
• Prioritise Your Well-being: Remember to take care of yourself while dealing with your brother's alcohol use. This may include setting boundaries for yourself and engaging in self-care practices that nurture your well-being.

Support for family members of alcoholics

If your brother struggles with alcohol addiction, it can be challenging to know how to help him. Here are some suggestions for supporting a brother or other family members dealing with alcoholism:

Recognize the Signs of Alcohol Addiction: Understanding the signs of alcohol addiction can help you determine if your brother needs professional help. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) outlines 11 criteria used to assess the severity of Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD). Signs may include drinking more than intended, being unable to cut down, spending a lot of time recovering from drinking, experiencing cravings, failing to meet responsibilities due to drinking, and continuing to drink despite relationship problems.

Avoid Enabling Behaviors: Enabling occurs when your actions unintentionally make it easier for your brother to continue drinking. Examples include bailing him out of legal trouble, minimizing the seriousness of his drinking, or covering up for him at work or with family. Instead, set healthy boundaries to protect both yourself and your brother. Let him know that you care but won't enable his addiction.

Offer Support and Express Concern: When approaching your brother about his drinking, choose a private, comfortable, and familiar environment where he feels safe. Avoid bringing it up during or after an argument or when he is under the influence. Use "I" statements to express your concerns, such as "I'm worried about your drinking and how it's affecting us." Avoid issuing ultimatums or threats, as this may push him into a defensive corner.

Prepare for Different Outcomes: Have a plan in place if your brother refuses help. Consider organizing a well-planned intervention with the guidance of a professional. Choose individuals who have a positive influence on your brother and respect him, including family and trusted friends. Rehearse what each person will say, focusing on expressing concern and offering support.

Seek Professional Treatment: Encourage your brother to seek professional treatment for his alcohol addiction. Treatment options may include inpatient rehab, where he lives full-time at a treatment facility, or outpatient care, where he attends therapy sessions during the day while living at home. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is often used to help individuals identify and modify negative thought patterns related to drinking and teach coping skills to prevent relapse.

Support During Recovery: Your role doesn't end once your brother begins his recovery journey. Continue to support him throughout his recovery to help maintain long-term sobriety. Create an environment that encourages sobriety by removing alcohol from the home and helping him develop new, healthy routines.

Additionally, there are several resources available for family members of alcoholics, such as the SAMHSA National Helpline, which offers a free, confidential treatment referral and information service for individuals and families facing substance use disorders.

Frequently asked questions