Alcoholism And Enabling: When To Leave A Relationship

Living with an alcoholic spouse can be challenging and emotionally draining for both partners. It can lead to feelings of self-blame, attempts to control the alcoholic spouse's drinking, and enabling behaviours such as making excuses for their drinking or covering up for them. While it is important to provide support and encouragement for your spouse's recovery journey, staying in the relationship may become enabling if you are enabling their drinking or if you feel physically or emotionally unsafe. Enabling behaviours can include calling in sick for your spouse when they are intoxicated or hungover, bailing them out of jail for a DUI, minimising the impact of their drinking on the family, or avoiding the issue altogether. If your spouse is unwilling to seek help or continues to deny their alcohol problem, it may be time to consider leaving the relationship.

Enabling behaviours: covering up, making excuses, providing money, etc

Enabling behaviours can be detrimental to both the enabler and the alcoholic spouse. While it may seem challenging to stop enabling behaviours, it is crucial for the well-being of both parties. Here are some common enabling behaviours and suggestions on how to address them:

Covering up

Covering up for an alcoholic spouse often involves hiding the truth about their drinking habits or making excuses for their behaviour. Instead of covering up, it is important to confront the issue directly. Have an honest conversation with your spouse about the impact of their drinking on themselves and your family. Offer specific examples of how their alcohol use has affected your lives. For instance, you could say, "I've noticed you've been missing work and spending less time with the kids."

Making excuses

Making excuses for an alcoholic spouse's behaviour is a common enabling behaviour. It is essential to recognise that you are not responsible for their drinking and cannot control or cure it. Instead of making excuses, focus on expressing your concerns and encouraging them to seek help. You can say something like, "I'm worried about your drinking, and I want to support you in getting the help you need."

Providing money

Providing money to an alcoholic spouse can unintentionally enable their drinking. It is important to set clear boundaries regarding finances. Refrain from giving them money that could be used for alcohol. Instead, offer to help with managing finances or seek financial counselling together to ensure that money is not enabling their drinking.

Minimising the impact

Sometimes, individuals might minimise the impact of their spouse's drinking on their family and themselves. It is crucial to acknowledge the negative consequences of their alcohol use. Share how their drinking has affected your emotional well-being, your relationship, and your daily life. For example, you could say, "I've noticed that our relationship has become strained due to your drinking, and I want us to work together to improve it."

Remember, while these behaviours may be challenging to change, seeking support from professional resources and organisations specialising in alcohol misuse can provide guidance and assistance in navigating these difficulties.

Impact on the enabler: stress, worry, anxiety, self-blame, etc

Living with a spouse who has an alcohol use disorder can have a significant impact on their partner, including stress, worry, anxiety, and self-blame. Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic medical condition characterised by an inability to stop or control drinking despite health, social, or professional consequences. The impact of AUD extends beyond the individual with the disorder, affecting their family and loved ones as well.

Partners of individuals with AUD may experience feelings of self-blame and a sense of responsibility for their spouse's drinking. They may engage in controlling behaviours, such as obsessively monitoring their spouse's drinking, keeping tabs on their whereabouts, or attempting to discard their alcohol. It is important for partners to recognise that they did not cause their spouse's drinking and that they cannot control or cure it. Instead, they should focus on setting healthy boundaries and prioritising their own self-care.

The stress and worry associated with living with an alcoholic spouse can be overwhelming. Partners may find themselves managing the majority of household responsibilities, including financial burdens, as their spouse's drinking may interfere with their ability to maintain a job or contribute financially. They may also experience frequent conflict and arguments related to their spouse's drinking, which can take a toll on their mental health and well-being.

Enabling behaviours can also develop, such as making excuses for their spouse's drinking, bailing them out of legal troubles related to their drinking, or minimising the impact of their drinking on the family. Enabling can perpetuate the cycle of addiction and prevent the alcoholic spouse from recognising the consequences of their actions. It is important for partners to educate themselves about substance use disorders and seek support from professionals or support groups to help them navigate the challenges of living with an alcoholic spouse.

In summary, staying in a relationship with an alcoholic spouse can have significant impacts on the enabler, including stress, worry, anxiety, and self-blame. It is crucial for partners to recognise that they are not responsible for their spouse's drinking and to prioritise their own self-care and well-being. Seeking professional help and support is essential to navigate the challenges of living with an alcoholic spouse effectively.

Impact on the relationship: financial difficulties, unpaid bills, frequent conflict, etc

Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic medical condition that can affect not only the person suffering from the condition but also their family and loved ones. Living with an alcoholic spouse can have a significant impact on various aspects of one's life, including emotional, health-related, social, financial, and physical.

Financial Difficulties

Alcoholism can lead to financial difficulties for the non-alcoholic spouse. This may be due to the alcoholic partner's decreased ability to contribute financially, whether through job loss or an inability to work due to drinking or recovery. Additionally, the non-alcoholic spouse may have to bear the financial burden of unpaid bills and household expenses if the alcoholic partner spends their funds on alcohol.

Unpaid Bills

Alcoholic spouses may prioritize alcohol over other financial responsibilities, resulting in unpaid bills and household expenses. This can create a strain on the family's financial stability and potentially lead to late fees, service disruptions, and even debt collection issues if the situation persists.

Frequent Conflict

Alcohol abuse can lead to frequent arguments and conflicts within the relationship. The non-alcoholic spouse may feel frustrated, angry, and resentful towards their partner's drinking habits, especially if they are neglecting their responsibilities or refusing to seek help. The alcoholic spouse may become defensive or deny the existence of a problem, further exacerbating the conflict.

Household Responsibilities

The non-alcoholic spouse often has to take on the majority of household responsibilities due to their partner's preoccupation with drinking. This can include managing finances, taking care of children, and handling domestic chores. The additional burden can lead to feelings of resentment and stress, especially if the non-alcoholic spouse is also balancing a job or other commitments.

Emotional and Psychological Impact

Living with an alcoholic spouse can take a significant toll on one's emotional and psychological well-being. The non-alcoholic spouse may experience feelings of guilt, shame, anger, fear, grief, isolation, and anxiety. They may also suffer from low self-esteem, depression, and poor adjustment. The constant stress and worry about their partner's health and well-being can be emotionally draining and traumatic.

Social Impact

Alcoholism can also impact the social life of the non-alcoholic spouse. Their partner may refuse to participate in social activities they once enjoyed together, preferring to spend time drinking instead. The non-alcoholic spouse may feel embarrassed or ashamed of their partner's behavior, leading to social isolation and a loss of shared connections.

It is important to note that while these are common issues experienced when living with an alcoholic spouse, each situation is unique. Seeking professional help and support, such as through organisations like Al-Anon, can provide guidance and assistance in navigating the challenges of living with an alcoholic partner.

Addressing the problem: acknowledging the problem, seeking help, setting boundaries, etc

Acknowledging the problem is the first step in addressing it. Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic medical condition characterised by an inability to stop or control drinking despite health, social, or professional consequences. AUD not only affects the person with the drinking problem but also their family and loved ones. Living with an alcoholic spouse can be challenging and emotionally draining, often leading to strained communication, trust issues, and emotional turmoil. It can trigger feelings of self-blame, attempts to control your partner's drinking, and enabling behaviour. Practical challenges, such as financial stress and managing household responsibilities, can also emerge.

Once the problem has been acknowledged, seeking help is crucial. This can involve encouraging your spouse to seek professional treatment for their alcohol addiction. It's important to approach this conversation with empathy, patience, and a genuine desire to support their recovery journey. Offer to accompany them to addiction treatment or therapy sessions if they feel more comfortable with your presence. Additionally, consider seeking support for yourself through therapy, support groups like Al-Anon, or educational resources. These resources can provide valuable coping strategies and a sense of community.

Setting boundaries is an essential aspect of addressing the problem. Boundaries provide a framework for acceptable and unacceptable behaviour within the relationship, establishing clear guidelines and expectations. They promote healthy communication, encourage your spouse to seek help, and protect your own well-being. When setting boundaries, be prepared for potential pushback due to established patterns and unspoken rules in the relationship. Stay firm and consistent in enforcing the boundaries you have set, and seek support from friends, family, or support groups to help you navigate difficult situations.

Finally, it's crucial to prioritise self-care while supporting your spouse's recovery. Educate yourself about substance use disorders, including diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. This knowledge will provide you with empathy and understanding as you navigate this challenging situation. Take care of your physical and mental health, and remember that you cannot cure your partner's alcohol use disorder, but you can provide information and support to make their recovery journey easier.

Supporting the alcoholic spouse: communicating, educating oneself, encouraging treatment, etc

Supporting an alcoholic spouse can be challenging and emotionally draining. It is important to remember that you did not cause their drinking, and you cannot control or cure it. However, there are ways you can support your spouse and encourage them to seek professional help. Here are some strategies:

Communicating

Communication is essential when dealing with an alcoholic spouse. It is important to talk to your spouse about the impact of their drinking on you and your family. Choose a calm moment when your spouse is sober and receptive to hearing your concerns. Keep the conversation brief and focused on one specific change you would like them to make. You may need to have several conversations before your spouse takes action or agrees to enter treatment. During these conversations, try to avoid blaming or shaming your spouse. Instead, focus on expressing your concerns and offering support.

Educating oneself

Educating yourself about alcohol use disorder (AUD) and addiction is crucial. Understanding the diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options can provide you with empathy for your spouse's experience and help you make informed decisions. Recognise that alcoholism is a disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors. Learn about the signs of alcoholism and the effects of alcohol on the brain and body. This knowledge will enable you to view your spouse as someone who needs help rather than an enemy.

Encouraging treatment

Encourage your spouse to seek professional help and support them in finding suitable treatment options. Research local rehab centres and reach out to learn more about their programming and availability. Offer to accompany your spouse to appointments or therapy sessions. If they are resistant to seeking help, consider suggesting a conversation with their doctor as a starting point. You can also suggest local support groups or mutual aid fellowships such as Al-Anon, which provide support for those worried about a loved one's drinking.

Self-care

It is important to prioritise your own well-being while supporting an alcoholic spouse. Recognise how your spouse's drinking is affecting you and create boundaries and self-care practices to protect your mental health. Consider seeking support for yourself through therapy or support groups specifically for partners of alcoholics. By taking care of yourself, you will be better equipped to support your spouse.

Enabling vs. supporting

It is important to distinguish between enabling and supporting your spouse. Enabling behaviours include making excuses for your spouse's drinking, bailing them out of legal consequences, minimising the impact of their drinking, or pretending the problem does not exist. Instead, try to avoid enabling their alcohol use and encourage them to face the natural consequences of their actions. Suggest alcohol-free activities and encourage other family members to engage your spouse in activities that do not trigger addictive behaviours.

Frequently asked questions