Theo Nash
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic can be emotionally and physically draining. It can be challenging to know when to walk away from a partner with an alcohol problem, but if the relationship is hurting one or both individuals, it may be time to leave. Alcoholism is a disease, and recovery is rarely straightforward, so it's important to remember that you cannot control your partner's drinking or cure them. If your partner refuses to acknowledge their addiction or seek treatment, it may be time to give them an ultimatum or end the relationship. Detachment can be a way to set boundaries and protect yourself from the adverse effects of your partner's alcoholism without physically leaving. Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave is a personal one, and there is no right way to break up with an alcoholic.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Emotional | You may find yourself constantly worrying about their well-being, managing the fallout from their actions, or picking up the slack when they neglect responsibilities. |
| Financial | Bills go unpaid because your partner is spending household funds on alcohol. You may experience verbal abuse during arguments or feel overwhelmed by the stress of keeping the household running. |
| Physical | Alcohol abuse doesn’t just affect the person drinking—it ripples through the entire family. Your partner may neglect the children because they’re spending so much time away from home drinking or recovering from alcohol use. |
| Relational | You and your spouse or significant other spend a considerable amount of time fighting about their alcohol use. Your partner refuses to participate in activities you once enjoyed. |
| Treatment | If your significant other is committed to getting help and is ready to make a change, the best choice may be to stay with them and support them on their recovery journey. |
| Self-care | You might feel stuck between the love you’ve shared and the hope that things could still change. There’s no shame in prioritizing your well-being and seeking a healthier future. |
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What You'll Learn
Emotional, psychological, and financial strain
Deciding to separate from an alcoholic partner is a deeply personal and challenging decision. It is important to remember that alcohol addiction is a disease, and the recovery journey is rarely straightforward. Relapse is common, and a partner's inability to keep their promises doesn't reflect their love or commitment but rather the power of addiction.
Emotional Strain
- Constant worry about your partner's well-being and their actions.
- Feeling responsible for their behaviour and internalising their struggles.
- Experiencing anxiety, exhaustion, and even depression due to the stress of the situation.
- Battling feelings of blame and guilt for your partner's actions and their inability to control their drinking.
- Experiencing verbal, emotional, or physical abuse from your partner during arguments.
Psychological Strain
- Managing the majority of household responsibilities because your partner is unable to fulfil their share due to drinking or recovering from drinking.
- Dealing with your partner's neglect of children or other family members due to their preoccupation with alcohol.
- Feeling pressured to be the family's primary breadwinner if your partner loses their job due to alcohol abuse.
- Constantly fighting and struggling to maintain a healthy and positive relationship with your partner.
Financial Strain
- Unpaid bills and financial obligations due to your partner's spending on alcohol.
- Missed workdays and lost income due to your partner's drinking or recovery, leading to financial strain.
- Reckless spending on alcohol, further exacerbating financial difficulties.
Remember, the decision to separate is a personal one, and there is no "right" way to handle it. It is crucial to prioritise your well-being and seek support if needed.
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Enabling behaviour
Deciding to separate from an alcoholic partner is a difficult and deeply personal decision. It is important to remember that alcohol addiction is a disease, and the recovery journey is rarely straightforward. Relapses and setbacks are common, and your partner's inability to keep their promises is not a reflection of their love or commitment, but rather a sign of how powerful addiction can be.
- Ignoring their behaviour
- Giving them financial help
- Covering for them or making excuses for their behaviour
- Taking over their responsibilities, such as paying their bills or taking care of household chores
- Bailing them out of jail for a DUI
- Minimising the impact of their drinking on your family
- Pretending the problem does not exist
If you are considering separating from an alcoholic partner due to enabling behaviour, it is important to remember that you are not alone. Seeking support from outside sources, such as therapy or support groups, can provide a safe space to share your feelings and gain perspective. It is also crucial to prioritise your well-being and seek a healthier future if you feel that the relationship is damaging your emotional or physical well-being.
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The impact on children
Deciding to separate from an alcoholic partner is a difficult decision, especially when children are involved. Alcohol use disorder (AUD) affects not only the user but also their family. In the US, there are 11 million children under 18 living with an alcoholic parent, and research suggests that about one in ten children live with a parent with an AUD. When a parent is preoccupied with maintaining their alcohol dependency, they often fail to meet their child's basic needs, including nutrition, safety, education, structure, consistency, affection, and healthcare. This can cause significant harm to the child, and the effects can last into adulthood.
Children living with an alcoholic parent are regularly exposed to chaos, uncertainty, disorganisation, emotional and/or physical neglect, instability, and arguments. As a result, these children may experience anxiety, depression, antisocial behaviour, relationship difficulties, and other behavioural issues. They are also more likely to develop an AUD themselves and are four times as likely to engage in excessive drinking at some point in their lives.
The impact of living with an alcoholic parent can affect a child's emotional and behavioural functioning, as well as their ability to cope and adjust to social situations. They may develop low self-esteem, guilt, distrust, denial, an inability to express emotions, shame, a need for control, and a lack of maturity and responsibility. They may also struggle with social comparison, positive and/or negative feedback, boundaries, self-doubt, and accepting help. Additionally, they may have difficulty distinguishing between good and bad role models, leading to feelings of conflict, confusion, and self-consciousness.
To mitigate the impact on children, it is important to seek help and support. The National Association for Children of Addiction provides resources and recommendations to help families struggling with addiction. Open and honest communication is crucial, and involving a counsellor or therapist can be beneficial. Prioritising self-care and seeking outside support, such as therapy or support groups, can also provide a safe space to share feelings and gain perspective.
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Treatment and interventions
Behavioural Treatment
Behavioural treatment involves counselling that focuses on changing drinking behaviour. This type of treatment can help individuals identify triggers and develop strategies to avoid or cope with them. It also provides a space to address any underlying issues that may be contributing to the individual's drinking. Behavioural treatment is typically provided by addiction counsellors or psychologists.
Medication
There are medications approved by the U.S. Food & Drug Administration (FDA) to treat AUD, such as naltrexone, acamprosate, topiramate, and gabapentin. These medications work by offsetting changes in the brain caused by AUD and reducing cravings. They can be used alone or in combination with other forms of treatment and are non-addictive.
Support Groups
Support groups, such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, can provide a sense of community and understanding for individuals struggling with AUD. Sharing experiences and connecting with others who are going through similar challenges can be empowering and help individuals feel less isolated. Support groups also often provide a network of support and accountability, which can be crucial during the recovery process.
Interventions
Interventions are a way to help loved ones struggling with AUD recognise the impact of their drinking and motivate them to seek treatment. They can be an effective approach but should be handled carefully to avoid making the individual feel attacked or embarrassed. It is important to approach interventions from a place of love and concern rather than confrontation. Educating oneself about AUD and its effects can help prepare for an intervention and better understand what the affected individual is going through.
Healthcare Providers
Primary care and mental health providers can play a crucial role in treating AUD by combining medication with brief counselling visits. They can also refer individuals to specialists in alcohol-related treatment and provide resources for further support.
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Self-care and seeking support
Living with or being in a relationship with an alcoholic can be emotionally painful, stressful, and overwhelming. It is important to practice self-care and seek support for yourself during this time. Here are some ways to do that:
Self-care:
- Continue to engage in your hobbies and activities that bring you joy.
- Stick to a healthy meal plan and sleep schedule.
- Exercise regularly to manage stress and improve overall well-being.
- Practice positive self-talk and meditation to cope with challenging situations.
- Set healthy personal boundaries and communicate them clearly to your partner or spouse.
- Avoid triggers, such as alcohol advertisements or places associated with drinking.
- Educate yourself about alcohol use disorders to better understand the disease of addiction.
Seeking support:
- Seek therapy or counselling, either individually or with your family, to navigate the challenges and complexities of addiction.
- Attend support groups, such as Al-Anon meetings, to connect with others going through similar experiences. These groups can provide valuable advice and a sense of community.
- Rely on your support system, including close friends, family members, or other trusted individuals who can provide a safe space and listen to your concerns.
- Consider joining online support communities or forums where you can anonymously seek advice and share your experiences.
- If you are experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety due to the situation, seek professional help to prioritize your mental health.
- If you are concerned about your safety or well-being, reach out to a local shelter or organization that can provide confidential support and guidance.
Remember, it is crucial to focus on your own needs and well-being while supporting a loved one struggling with alcoholism. Taking care of yourself will also enable you to provide better support to your loved one on their recovery journey.
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Frequently asked questions
If you're asking yourself this question, you're probably already experiencing some of the problems that come with being in a relationship with an alcoholic. These can include financial strain, verbal or physical abuse, and the stress of managing the majority of household responsibilities. If your partner refuses to acknowledge their addiction or seek treatment, it may be time to separate. Remember, your well-being matters too.
Alcoholism, or alcohol use disorder, is characterised by a loss of control over drinking habits, even when they negatively impact one's health, relationships, and daily life. Warning signs include lying about or hiding drinking habits, regularly blacking out after drinking, and neglecting responsibilities.
It's important to remember that alcoholism is a disease and that relapse is common. You can support your partner by encouraging them to seek professional help and connecting them with support groups. To protect yourself, you may also want to seek support from outside sources such as therapy or support groups. Additionally, if your partner is trying to cut down or quit drinking, it's important that you don't drink alcohol around them, as this may sabotage their progress.
