Noah Vinter
Alcohol addiction, or alcohol use disorder (AUD), is a chronic disease that involves being unable to stop or control alcohol consumption despite negative consequences to one's health and relationships. Alcohol addiction impacts everyone differently, and it can be challenging to learn how to deal with an alcoholic parent. It's important to remember that alcoholism is not your fault, and that you cannot force someone to change—the best thing you can do is bring their attention to the fact that you think they have a problem. If you're concerned about your mother's drinking, there are resources and support groups that can provide help, including emotional support and tips for getting through daily life.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Alcohol addiction | Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) |
| Symptoms | Drinking more or longer than intended, missing events or responsibilities, slurring words, passing out |
| Impact | Harms health, changes behaviour, causes problems at home and work, affects family life |
| Support | Support groups, therapy, family therapy, medical professionals, interventionists, clergypersons, therapists |
| Conversation approach | Choose a quiet, safe, private place, avoid when intoxicated, use "I" statements, ask open-ended questions, acknowledge progress |
| Avoid | Open hostility, anger, blame, guilt-tripping, stigmatizing language, telling them what to do |
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What You'll Learn
Recognising the signs of alcoholism
Alcohol addiction, or alcohol use disorder (AUD), is a chronic disease that involves not being able to stop or control alcohol use, regardless of the negative consequences to one's health and relationships. Alcoholism can affect people differently, and some may exhibit fewer signs than others, especially high-functioning alcoholics. However, there are some common signs and symptoms that may indicate your mother struggles with AUD:
- Drinking more or for longer than intended.
- Missing events or responsibilities due to drinking.
- Asking you to cover up their drinking, such as calling in sick to work or borrowing money.
- Alcohol-related violence or neglect.
- Changes in behaviour and personality when drinking, such as becoming angry, demanding, or attention-seeking.
- Slurred speech and passing out after drinking.
If you recognise these signs in your mother, it is important to remember that it is not your fault. Alcoholism is an illness, and your mother will need professional help to recover. You can encourage and support her in seeking treatment, but ultimately, the decision to change has to come from her.
It is also crucial to take care of yourself during this process. Living with an alcoholic parent can be emotionally challenging and impact your well-being. Consider joining a support group or seeking therapy to help you cope with the situation and build healthy emotional habits. Remember, you are not alone, and there are resources available to support you and your family through this difficult time.
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Preparing for the conversation
Secondly, educate yourself about alcohol use disorder (AUD). Understanding the nature of addiction and its impact on individuals and families can provide valuable insights. Learn about the signs and symptoms of alcoholism, as well as the factors that contribute to its development. This knowledge will help you recognise specific behaviours and consequences related to your mother's drinking habits.
Thirdly, reflect on your own emotions and experiences. Recognise that this conversation may evoke strong feelings of worry, anger, or disappointment. It is essential to express these emotions in a constructive manner. Remember that the goal is not to accuse or blame your mother but to convey your concern and care. Focus on using "I" statements, such as "I'm worried about you" or "I'm concerned about your drinking."
Additionally, prepare specific examples and instances of your mother's worrisome behaviours. This demonstrates your attention to her actions and their impact on you. For instance, you could say, "I noticed that you missed an important family event because of drinking." Being specific can help your mother understand the extent of the problem and its consequences.
Lastly, consider writing down your thoughts and even creating a script for the conversation. This can help you organise your thoughts and ensure you cover all the points you want to address. Rehearse what you want to say beforehand, as it may be challenging to express your concerns clearly during the conversation. Remember, this conversation is about expressing your love and support while encouraging your mother to seek professional help.
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What to say and what not to say
What to say
- Start the conversation by saying that you're doing it because you care about them.
- Let them know that you are concerned about their drinking habits and that you think they might have a problem.
- Acknowledge any successes or progress your mom has made.
- Offer to help them get treatment and support them throughout the process.
- Suggest starting therapy as a family to improve your relationships and learn new coping techniques.
What not to say
- Avoid having this conversation when your mom is intoxicated, as it may not be safe or productive.
- Don't use stigmatizing language, such as "drunk" or "alcoholic," as these words can cause harm.
- Avoid open hostility or anger, guilt-tripping, or bringing up the past in a blaming context.
- Don't tell them what they need to do to recover, as you cannot force someone to change their habits.
- Refrain from using enabling behaviour that shields your mom from the negative consequences of her alcohol use, such as giving her money that will be spent on alcohol.
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Getting support for yourself
It is important to remember that alcoholism is an illness and that your parent will need a doctor or medical professional to help them get better. You cannot force someone to change, and you cannot make them quit drinking, drink less, or go to rehab. The best thing you can do is bring to their attention that you think they have a problem.
It is important to take care of yourself and get the support you need. Living with a parent who has a substance use problem is hard and can affect how you feel and act, as well as your family life. You may feel lonely or embarrassed, but it is important to speak out and talk to someone you trust about getting support for your alcoholic parent.
There are many resources and support groups that specialize in helping the children and other family members of alcoholics. These groups can provide you with emotional support, as well as practical tips for getting through daily life. Al-Anon is the largest and most well-known support group for families of alcoholics, with meetings held in all 50 states and many countries around the world. Nar-Anon is based on the Al-Anon model and offers support for family members impacted by alcoholism and drug use.
You can also seek out therapy to build good emotional habits and learn how to avoid the risk of developing substance use problems yourself. Support groups and therapy can help you learn to speak up, say how you feel, and show emotion, which will help you have good relationships in the future.
If you are underage and your parent's alcoholism is causing them to physically abuse or neglect you, you should report them to a trusted family member, school, or law enforcement official. You can also turn to friends and family members of your parent to see if they can help convince your parent to seek help.
Remember, you can only control your own behavior, and your parent's behaviors are not your fault. It is important to change any enabling behaviors that may shield your mother from the negative consequences of her alcohol use, as this could be making it easier for her to keep drinking.
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Next steps and treatment options
After you have talked to your mother about her alcohol use, the next step is to encourage her to seek treatment. Alcohol addiction, or alcohol use disorder (AUD), is a chronic disease that involves not being able to stop or control alcohol use despite negative consequences to one's health and relationships. It is important to understand that if your mother is addicted to alcohol, she cannot stop drinking by just "deciding to quit," as addiction changes the brain's chemistry.
There are several treatment options available for AUD, and it is important to find the right treatment plan for your mother's specific needs. Treatment options include behavioural treatments, such as counselling, and medications. Behavioural treatments aim to change drinking behaviour through counselling, while medications can help reduce the urge to drink or ease withdrawal symptoms.
You can help your mother research and find the right treatment provider. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) offers an online tool called the Alcohol Treatment Navigator®, which helps individuals find highly qualified treatment providers near them. Additionally, SAMHSA's National Helpline is a free and confidential referral service that can connect your mother to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.
It is also important to take care of yourself during this process. Caring for someone with AUD can be emotionally and physically draining. Ensure that you are practising self-care and seeking support for yourself as well. Consider starting therapy as a family to improve your relationships and learn new coping strategies. Remember, you can only control your own behaviour, and it is not your fault if your mother is not ready to seek treatment.
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Frequently asked questions
Alcohol addiction or Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) presents differently in different people. Some common signs include drinking more or longer than intended, missing events or responsibilities, and exhibiting personality changes. Recognise that alcoholism is an illness and your mother will need professional help to get better.
It is important to remember that your mother's alcoholism is not your fault. You can encourage her to seek professional help and support her through her recovery. However, you cannot force her to change. You should also seek support for yourself, such as therapy or support groups for families of alcoholics.
Choose a time and place where your mother will feel safe and comfortable. Avoid bringing up the topic when she is intoxicated. Express your concern for her and use specific examples of worrisome behaviours you've noticed. Avoid using labels like "alcoholic" and try to remain calm and understanding.
Unfortunately, there are limited options if your mother refuses help. You can try to convince her to seek help by involving friends and family members or staging an intervention with a professional interventionist. Remember to also prioritise your own emotional well-being and set boundaries if necessary.
Support groups such as Al-Anon and Nar-Anon provide emotional support, college scholarships, and tips for coping with daily life. Therapy can also help you build good emotional habits and stop the cycle of addiction in your family. Additionally, hotlines like the National Domestic Violence Hotline offer confidential support and resources.
