Vivian Marlowe
Talking to a child about an alcoholic parent can be challenging, but it is important to remember that the child is not responsible for their parent's drinking problem. It is crucial to assure the child that they are not to blame and that their parent's alcoholism is an illness that requires professional help. When approaching this conversation, it is essential to choose a safe and private space where the child feels comfortable. The discussion should be tailored to the child's age and developmental stage, using clear and simple language. It is also beneficial to ask the child about their experiences and listen to their perspective. Explaining that relapse is common during recovery can alleviate the child's worries and help them understand that change is possible. Additionally, encouraging the child to join a support group or seek therapy can provide them with a safe space to express their emotions and connect with others going through similar situations.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Assure the child that they are not to blame for their parent's drinking problem | It's not your fault |
| Explain that alcoholism is a problem that the parent has, and it's up to them to make it better | It's an illness |
| Do not tell the child that the parent is sick or has a disease | Avoid making the child feel like a caretaker |
| Ask the child if there have been times when they thought it was their fault | Ask open-ended questions |
| Provide consistent messages and information | Ensure clear messages |
| Explain what a relapse is and that it is common for people recovering from alcohol use | Explain that recovery is a process |
| Talk about any fears and worries the child may have, including any pressure to keep their parent's relapses a secret | Address their concerns |
| Explain the nature of the parent's alcohol use in clear and simple terms that match the child's age and developmental stage | Use age-appropriate language |
| Tell the child about the parent's attempts to overcome their problems and change their behaviour | Provide hope and belief that change is possible |
| Encourage the child to join a support group and talk to someone they trust | Provide emotional support |
| Plan activities that the child enjoys | Encourage self-care |
| Choose a time and place that's safe and private, where the parent will feel comfortable | Ensure safety |
| Avoid confrontations, ultimatums, threats, or lectures | Avoid defensiveness |
| Offer encouragement and let them know that it takes courage to reach out | Motivate the parent |
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What You'll Learn
It's not your fault
It's important to remember that alcoholism is an illness, and your parent will need a doctor or medical professional to help them get better. You may feel responsible, and believe that you are the cause of their drinking problem, but this isn't the case. Children often feel they are to blame for a parent's drinking or drug use. They may think about times when a parent was angry or blamed them, or they may wonder if they caused a parent to drink or use drugs. But kids can't cause a parent's substance problem. Alcohol addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease that causes lasting brain changes, making it very hard for someone to stop drinking. It's not easy for someone to admit that they have a problem, and it takes courage to reach out.
It's also important to remember that you're important, and you need to look after your health and well-being too. Plan activities that you enjoy, such as reading, watching TV, or hanging out with friends. It can be a relief to share what it's like for you, and it may help to talk to a good friend or another adult you trust, such as a teacher, school counsellor, doctor, therapist, or relative. Let them know what you're going through, and they may be able to help you in other ways. You can also call a helpline or join a support group, where you can talk freely to people who understand, helping you to feel less isolated and move away from any buried feelings that you're holding on to.
It's also not your responsibility to get your parent to stop drinking or using drugs. It's up to the parent to make it better. If your parent does decide to seek help, it's important to express your support. Call and visit when possible, to show you're thinking about them and rooting for their recovery. You may also choose to attend family therapy together to help heal your relationship.
Remember, you don't have to help your parent all by yourself. You can speak out and talk to someone you trust about getting support for your alcoholic parent.
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Find a safe space
If you are a child of an alcoholic parent, it is important to find a safe space where you feel comfortable to talk. This could be with a therapist or a support group, where you can talk freely to people who understand, helping you to feel less isolated. Support groups such as Al-Anon/Alateen offer a 24-hour hotline that you can call. Talking with others who are going through the same thing can help you cope.
It can be a relief to share what it's like for you, and they may be able to help you in other ways. You might feel embarrassed, angry, or sad about a parent's substance use, and it's okay to feel the way you do. It is important to know and name your emotions and express how you feel and why.
If you feel unsafe at home, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you think you or another family member could be in danger, call 911.
It is important to remember that your parent's alcoholism is not your fault. Alcoholism is an illness, and your parent will need a doctor or medical professional to help them get better. You may feel responsible and believe that you are the cause of their drinking problem, but this isn't the case.
If you are a parent trying to help your child deal with your alcoholism, it is important to be honest with them and explain the situation in an age-appropriate way. Let them know that it is not their fault and that it is up to you to make it better.
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Relapse is common
Relapse is a common occurrence for people recovering from alcohol and drug use. It does not mean that recovery has failed. When talking about a parent's relapse, it is important to explain to the child what has happened and what it means. It is also important to talk about any fears or worries the child may have, including any pressure they may feel to keep their parent's relapse a secret.
It is crucial to assure the child that they are not to blame for their parent's substance use. Children often feel responsible for a parent's drinking or drug use, but it is important to let them know that it is the parent's problem and that it is up to the parent to make it better. It is also better not to tell them that their parent is sick or has a disease, as this might prompt the child to become a caretaker and misunderstand what is happening. Instead, explain that their parent is struggling with something difficult to stop, and that sometimes people make choices they know are not the best.
You can say something like, "It's a bit like when you really want something, even when your brain tells you 'no', you still want it. It's the same with drugs and alcohol. Mum or Dad is dealing with that right now. Sometimes we make really good choices, and sometimes, even when we know better, we don't make the best choice." This can help a child understand their parent's struggle.
It is also important to encourage the child to seek support and not bottle up their feelings. They can talk to a trusted adult or friend, or join a support group such as Al-Anon/Alateen. Therapy can also be beneficial in building healthy emotional habits, as living with an alcoholic parent can affect a child's ability to form healthy relationships in the future.
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You're not alone
It can be incredibly challenging to have a conversation with a child about an alcoholic parent. It's important to remember that you're not alone in this. Many people have been in similar situations and have sought help and support.
If you are a child with an alcoholic parent, you may feel a range of emotions, including embarrassment, anger, or sadness. It's crucial to understand that you are not responsible for your parent's drinking. Alcoholism is a disease, and it takes courage and professional help for someone to recover from it. You might feel lonely and find it difficult to talk about your situation, but it's important to reach out. Consider confiding in a trusted adult, such as a teacher, school counsellor, doctor, therapist, or relative. Joining a support group, such as Al-Anon/Alateen, can also provide you with a safe space to share your experiences and connect with others going through similar challenges.
If you are a parent trying to talk to your child about your alcoholism, it's normal to feel worried or uncertain about how to approach the conversation. It's important to choose an appropriate time and place where both you and your child feel comfortable and safe. Be honest and direct about your struggles while also expressing your love and concern for them. Encourage your child to share their feelings and provide reassurance that they are not to blame for your drinking.
Remember, there are resources available to help you through this difficult time. Support groups, hotlines, and therapy can provide valuable support and guidance. By reaching out and taking care of yourself, you can begin the journey towards healing and recovery.
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Support your parent
If you are a child or young person with an alcoholic parent, it is important to remember that it is not your fault. Alcoholism is an illness, and your parent will need a doctor or medical professional to help them get better. You should never feel that you have to help your parent all by yourself. It is important to make the effort to join a support group and talk to someone you trust.
If your parent does decide to seek help, it is important to express your support. Call and visit when possible, to show you're thinking about them and supporting their recovery. You may also choose to attend family therapy together to help heal your relationship. If you've grown up with a parent who has suffered from alcoholism, this may have had an effect on your own emotions and mindset. If you feel that your life has been affected by your alcoholic parent, it's important for you to find a safe space where you feel comfortable to talk. This may be with a therapist or support group, where you can talk freely to people who understand, helping you to feel less isolated and move away from any buried feelings that you're holding on to.
If you are an adult child of an alcoholic parent, you may feel angry or confused and might not know where to turn. Encouraging your parent to get help may lower their risk of serious mental and physical health problems, reduce the likelihood of family, work, legal, and other concerns, and help your parent regain control of their life. Alcohol addiction is a relapsing disease that causes lasting brain changes that make it very hard for someone to stop drinking. Recovering from alcohol addiction is not simply a matter of willpower or being "strong enough" to quit.
There are certain things you should try to avoid when talking to your parent about their alcohol use. Avoid ultimatums or threats, lecturing, criticizing, or blaming them. Avoid referring to them as an addict or an alcoholic, as this is stigmatizing and can make them feel attacked. Avoid confrontations, as research shows that these are not likely to help and could backfire. Instead, offer encouragement and let them know that it takes courage to reach out.
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Frequently asked questions
It is important to reassure the child that they are not to blame for their parent's drinking problem. Children often feel responsible, so remind them that it is an issue that only the parent can fix. Ask them if they have ever felt at fault and explain that children are not responsible for getting their parents to stop drinking.
Explain what a relapse is and that it is common for people recovering from alcohol use disorder. If the child lives with their parent, ask them about any fears or worries they may have, including any pressure to keep their parent's relapse a secret.
Ask the child about how their parent's drinking affects their life and listen to what they have to say. You can also use the marshmallow test as a conversation starter to help the child understand their parent's struggle with addiction.
A child with an alcoholic parent may feel embarrassed, angry, or sad about their parent's substance use. They may also feel lonely, especially if they feel too embarrassed to talk about it with others.
Encourage the child to join a support group or talk to a trusted adult or therapist. Help them find a safe space where they can express their feelings freely. Remind them that it is not their fault and that their parent needs professional help. Offer concrete actions to help the child resist alcohol, such as monitoring alcohol use in the home.
