Vivian Marlowe
Living with an alcoholic parent can be challenging and affect your emotions, mindset, and family life. It is important to remember that their behaviour is not your fault and that alcoholism is an illness that requires professional help. If you are concerned about your mother's drinking, you should speak up as it may provide her with the support she needs to get sober and potentially save her life. However, it is normal to feel scared to bring up the topic with her due to the fear of anger, violence, or embarrassment. If you are an adult, you might also be grappling with the decision of whether to remove your alcoholic mother from your life. While you cannot force your mother to seek help, you can encourage her by expressing your care and offering emotional and practical support. Additionally, it is crucial to take care of yourself, join support groups, and seek therapy to cope with the situation and build healthy habits.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Have a conversation with the alcoholic mother | Conversations can be hard, but mustering the courage to have one could save her life. |
| Express your care for her and include the people who are most important in her life. | |
| Offer emotional and practical support. | |
| Learn about AUD before starting the conversation. | |
| Use statements like "I am concerned by how much you are drinking" instead of "You have a problem". | |
| List the behaviours and incidents that you have observed and why they concern you. | |
| Keep the conversation two-way so that she does not feel cornered or get defensive. | |
| If she denies having a problem, try to get her to agree to have another conversation in the future. | |
| Set boundaries | "I will not see my mom if she is under the influence of alcohol." |
| "I will give her food or clothes, but I will not give her money." | |
| "I will not lie to our family about her drinking." | |
| Take care of yourself | Join a support group and talk to someone you trust. |
| Plan activities that you enjoy. | |
| Start therapy as a family to improve your relationships and learn new coping techniques. | |
| Change any enabling behaviours that may be making it easier for her to keep drinking. |
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What You'll Learn
Recognise the signs of alcohol addiction
Recognising the signs of alcohol addiction in a parent can be challenging, especially if they are trying to hide their drinking or deny that they have a problem. However, there are some tell-tale signs that can indicate a parent is struggling with alcohol addiction.
Firstly, people with alcohol use disorder (AUD) may crave alcohol and experience withdrawal symptoms when they are unable to drink. They may also have a "tolerance" to alcohol, meaning they need to consume larger amounts to experience the same effects. This can lead to drinking more than intended or for longer periods, and spending a lot of time obtaining and consuming alcohol.
Secondly, a person with AUD may start to neglect their responsibilities and experience negative consequences in their lives as a result of drinking. This could include repeatedly failing to meet work or family obligations and continuing to drink despite the damage it does to their relationships.
Thirdly, there can be physical symptoms and behavioural changes. Physical signs of long-term alcohol addiction can include weight loss, malnutrition, and a dishevelled appearance. Facial redness, particularly on the nose and cheeks, may indicate alcohol-related skin disorders. Behavioural changes can include preferring to drink over other activities and hobbies, and experiencing blackouts where they can't remember what they did while drinking.
Finally, a person with AUD may try to hide their drinking by storing alcohol in hidden places, such as at work, in their car, or in unusual places in the house. They may also try to conceal the smell of alcohol on their breath or clothing.
It's important to remember that recognising these signs early can help you or your loved one intervene and seek assistance before the addiction escalates.
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Seek emotional support
Dealing with an alcoholic parent can be challenging and may affect your emotions and mindset. It is important to seek emotional support and take care of yourself. Here are some ways to seek emotional support:
Open up to someone you trust
Talking to a good friend, a teacher, a school counsellor, a doctor, a therapist, or a relative can be a great way to seek emotional support. They can provide a different perspective and help you navigate the situation. It can be a relief to share your feelings and experiences with someone you trust. Remember, you don't have to go through this alone.
Join a support group
Consider joining a support group specifically for children of alcoholics, such as Al-Anon. Support groups provide a safe and non-judgmental space to express your feelings and connect with others who understand what you're going through. You can learn from their experiences and gain valuable emotional support.
Practice self-care
Taking care of yourself is crucial. Make sure to plan activities that you enjoy and that help you relax, such as reading, watching TV, or spending time with friends. Self-care is essential for maintaining your emotional well-being during this difficult time.
Seek professional help
Consider therapy or counselling to help you process your emotions and build healthy coping mechanisms. A therapist can provide you with tools to manage your feelings and improve your overall emotional well-being. Remember, seeking professional help is a sign of strength and can be a powerful step towards healing.
Set boundaries
Setting boundaries with your mother can be empowering for you and can help motivate her towards recovery. Boundaries could include decisions such as refusing to meet your mother while she is under the influence of alcohol, or refusing to give her money. Setting boundaries does not mean you are removing your love; instead, it can be a necessary step towards a healthier relationship.
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Set boundaries
Setting boundaries is an important step in dealing with an alcoholic mother and removing her from your adult life. Firstly, it is crucial to understand that you are not responsible for your mother's drinking problem. Alcoholism is an illness that requires professional help, and your mother's behaviours are not your fault.
Recognising the signs of a drinking problem is important. Some common signs include attempting to stop drinking but being unable to, drinking more or for longer than intended, and continuing to drink despite knowing it exacerbates health issues. Trust your instincts if you believe your mother's health and well-being are at risk.
When setting boundaries, be clear and firm. For example, you could say, "I will not see my mom if she is under the influence of alcohol" or "I will not give her money if she is using it to buy alcohol." It is important to express your care and concern for your mother while also holding her accountable for her actions.
You might also consider the following:
- Express your care and include the people who are important in your mother's life. Offer emotional and practical support, but remember that you can only control your own behaviour.
- Learn about Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) before starting a conversation with your mother.
- Choose a safe, private place to talk, and ensure it is a two-way conversation where she doesn't feel cornered.
- Use "I" statements, such as "I am worried about you" or "I think you are putting yourself at risk."
- List specific behaviours and incidents that concern you and how they have impacted you.
- Avoid getting sidetracked with speculation, judgment, or excuses.
- If your mother denies the problem, suggest another conversation in the future.
Remember, setting boundaries is not about removing your love; it is about empowering yourself and potentially motivating your mother towards recovery.
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Encourage treatment
Dealing with a parent's alcohol addiction is challenging, and it can be distressing to witness the negative impact it has on their life. However, there are ways to encourage your mother to seek treatment and support her recovery journey. Here are some steps you can take:
Educate Yourself on Treatment Options
Firstly, it is important to understand the various treatment options available for alcohol use disorder (AUD). Research inpatient rehab, outpatient treatment, detoxification, and the different therapies offered. Learn about the admissions process, aftercare, and the potential financial implications. SAMHSA's National Helpline is a free and confidential service that provides information and referrals to treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations. They can answer your questions about substance abuse treatment and guide you towards appropriate resources.
Empower Your Mother with Information
Once you have a good understanding of the treatment landscape, share this knowledge with your mother. During conversations with her, ensure she understands the various options available and what each entails. You can provide her with information on topics such as detox, inpatient and outpatient programs, therapies, and the potential benefits of each. It is important to approach these conversations sensitively and consider seeking advice on how best to talk to an alcoholic about treatment before initiating these discussions.
Encourage Open Dialogue
Encourage your mother to talk about her feelings and emotions regarding her alcohol use. Empower her to seek help and take ownership of her recovery. It may be beneficial for her to speak with a doctor or a therapist about her alcohol use and the potential treatment paths. Sometimes, discussing the issue with a neutral third party can help your mother gain a different perspective and feel more motivated to seek treatment.
Involve the Family
Involving the family in the treatment process can often be beneficial. Consider suggesting family therapy or encouraging your mother to join support groups specifically for families of alcoholics, such as Al-Anon or SMART Recovery Family and Friends. These groups provide a safe and non-judgmental environment to discuss the challenges of AUD within the family and can help your mother feel supported in her journey towards recovery.
Support Without Enabling
Remember, while it is important to support your mother, it is also crucial to avoid enabling behaviors. Enabling behaviors shield your mother from the negative consequences of her alcohol use, potentially reducing her motivation to seek treatment. Set clear boundaries that prioritize your well-being while still expressing your love and support for her. For example, you could decide, "I will not see my mom if she is under the influence of alcohol" or "I will not lie to our family about her drinking." These boundaries can empower you and motivate your mother to take steps towards recovery.
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Take care of yourself
Dealing with an alcoholic parent can be difficult, even as you reach adulthood. It is important to take care of yourself and prioritise your own health and well-being. Here are some ways to do that:
Make time for yourself
Do things that help you relax and put things in perspective. This could be meditation, going for a walk, or enjoying a cup of tea in the morning. Taking a break from stressful situations can help you clear your mind and approach things with a calmer mindset.
Confide in someone
It can be a friend, a sibling, or a close relative. Speaking to a therapist can also help. It is important to share your feelings and frustrations with someone non-judgmental, as it can help you feel better and not so alone. Remember, it is okay to talk to someone, and it doesn't mean you're being disloyal to your mother.
Set boundaries
Setting boundaries can be empowering for you and motivating for your mother. For example, you can decide to not meet your mother if she is under the influence of alcohol. You can also choose to offer her food or clothes but not money. Setting boundaries does not mean removing your love; instead, it can help your mother start her recovery journey sooner.
Practice self-care
Eat healthily, exercise regularly, and get enough sleep. Taking care of your basic needs can help you stay grounded and manage stress effectively. You can also try guided audio meditations to help you stay calm and focused.
Join a support group
Alcoholism can lead to emotional, physical, mental, and financial abuse and neglect. Support groups can provide information, resources, and communities of members who can offer support and help you avoid the risk of falling into similar patterns.
Remember, it is not your fault, and you did not cause your mother's drinking problem. You can only control your own behaviour and do your best to help your mother when she is ready to start her recovery journey.
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Frequently asked questions
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is diagnosed by a doctor or licensed professional. However, you may notice several warning signs, including drinking larger amounts or over a longer period than intended, and continuing to drink despite it causing or exacerbating a physical or mental health problem.
It can be scary to bring up concerns about a parent's drinking, but remember that having this conversation could save her life. Choose a safe, private place where your mother will feel comfortable, and try to use "I" statements, such as "I am worried about you" or "I think you are putting yourself at risk." Make sure the conversation is two-way, so your mother doesn't feel cornered or defensive.
It is important to remember that you are not responsible for your mother's drinking problem. If you fear a violent reaction, do not have the conversation alone—bring someone with you. If your mother denies having a problem, suggest having another conversation in the future.
Setting boundaries can be empowering for you and motivating for your mother. Examples of boundaries include refusing to meet your mother if she is under the influence, refusing to give her money, and not lying to your family about her drinking.
Living with an alcoholic parent can be lonely and difficult, and it is important to prioritize your own health and well-being. Reach out to a trusted friend or adult, such as a teacher or therapist, and consider joining a support group. Building good emotional habits, such as learning to speak up and show emotion, can help you have better relationships in the future.
