Noah Vinter
Living with an alcoholic parent can be challenging and impact a child's life in numerous ways. Children often feel embarrassed, angry, or sad about their parent's substance abuse and may struggle with their emotions and behaviours as a result. It is important to remember that the child is not responsible for their parent's drinking problem and that it is not their fault. Seeking support from a trusted adult, friend, therapist, or support group can help children cope with their parent's alcoholism and improve their emotional well-being. Additionally, addressing the issue with the parent in a calm and concerned tone can help facilitate their journey towards recovery.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Build good emotional habits | Learn to speak up, say how you feel, and show emotion |
| Stop the cycle | Join a support group or therapy to avoid the risk of substance use problems |
| Open up | Talk to a friend, adult or therapist |
| Know it's not your fault | No one is responsible for someone else's drinking problem |
| Know and name your emotions | Don't bury your feelings or pretend everything is okay |
| Find a support group | Al-Anon/Alateen |
| Stick to positive language | Avoid labels like 'alcoholic' or 'addict' |
| Be solution-focused | Suggest solutions like visiting a GP or contacting Alcoholics Anonymous |
| Take care of yourself | Plan activities you enjoy |
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What You'll Learn
It's not your fault
It is not uncommon for children of alcoholics to struggle with blaming themselves or thinking that they could be doing more for their parent. However, this is both untrue and unfair. No one is responsible for someone else’s drinking problem. Alcohol addiction impacts everyone differently, and it is not easy living with someone who has a substance use problem, especially if it's your parent.
Living with a parent who has a substance use problem can affect how you feel and act, and it can also affect your family life. You might feel embarrassed, angry, or sad about your parent's substance use. You might try hard not to upset your parent when they drink too much. You might learn not to speak up or show emotion. These habits may help you survive tough times at home, but they may not work in other parts of your life.
It is important to know that it's not your fault. Kids cannot cause a parent's substance problem. It is not your fault that your parent has a drinking problem. You may think about times when your parent was angry or blamed you, or you may wonder if you caused your parent to drink. But it's important to remember that you are not responsible for their drinking.
It can be helpful to open up to someone about what you're going through. Talk to a good friend, a trusted adult, a teacher, a school counselor, a doctor, a therapist, or a relative. It can be a relief to share what it's like for you, and they may be able to help you in other ways. It is also important to know and name your emotions. Don't bury your feelings or pretend that everything's okay. Notice how your parent's substance problem makes you feel, and use words to express how you feel and why.
There are many resources and support groups available to help children and other family members of alcoholics, such as Al-Anon, Co-Dependents Anonymous, and youth support groups such as Alateen. These groups can provide emotional support and help you cope with your parent's alcoholism. Seeking help from a mental health professional such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, or social worker can also be beneficial.
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Find support groups
Support groups can be a great way to help you cope with an alcoholic parent. It can be a relief to share your experiences with others who are going through the same thing, and they may be able to help you in other ways.
Al-Anon is the largest and most well-known support group for families of alcoholics. It includes a 12-step program for members to follow to help them cope with their family member's alcoholism. Alateen, a subgroup of Al-Anon, is specifically for teens dealing with a parent's drinking problem and has a 24-hour hotline at 1-800-344-2666.
Co-Dependents Anonymous (Co-DA) is another support group that helps those struggling with co-dependent relationships impacted by alcohol and drug use. Co-DA is also a 12-step group, and members support each other as they try to thrive rather than just survive.
The National Association for Children of Addiction (NACoA) is another resource with a mission to eliminate the adverse impact of alcohol and drug use on children and families. They offer online learning opportunities and resources to help children, families, and communities dealing with parental addiction.
Many schools, from elementary to universities, also have resources available to help students cope with a parent's substance abuse. You can seek help from a mental health professional such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, or social worker. They can help you understand and cope with your feelings about your parent's situation and improve your mental state.
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Don't bottle up your feelings
It is completely understandable to feel sad about an alcoholic parent. It is important to remember that you are not alone, and that your parent's drinking problem is not your fault. Many people blame themselves or think that they could be doing more for their parent. However, this is both untrue and unfair—no one is responsible for someone else's drinking problem.
Living with a parent who has a substance use problem is difficult, and it can affect your emotions, behaviour, and family life. It is important to build good emotional habits and not bottle up your feelings. Here are some ways to avoid doing that:
- Open up to someone: Talking to a good friend, a trusted adult or relative, a teacher, a school counsellor, a doctor, or a therapist can help you feel less alone. They may also be able to offer you additional support and help.
- Find a support group: Support groups like Al-Anon/Alateen (which has a 24-hour hotline at 1-800-344-2666) can provide you with emotional support, help you connect with others who may have had similar experiences, and give you tips on getting through daily life.
- Seek help from a mental health professional: Psychiatrists, psychologists, and social workers can help you understand and cope with your feelings about your parent's alcoholism, and improve your mental state.
- Therapy: Therapy can help you build good habits that you may not have been able to learn while living with an alcoholic parent.
- Notice and express your emotions: It is okay to feel the way you do. Try to identify and name your emotions, and express them using words rather than harmful actions.
Remember, just because your parent is unwilling or unable to change does not mean that you cannot dramatically improve your own life, emotional well-being, and physical health.
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Understand the signs
Alcoholism can cause anguish not only for the person who drinks but also for everyone involved with them. If you are concerned that your parent may have a drinking problem, there are several telltale signs and symptoms to look out for. It is important to note that you should not blame yourself for your parent's substance use.
- Physical warning signs: These include significant weight loss or weight gain, appearing dishevelled or paying less attention to personal appearance, and redness of the cheeks and nose. In advanced stages of alcoholism, one may notice yellowing of the skin (jaundice), health issues like cirrhosis and liver disease, frequent and severe hangovers, and dehydration.
- Psychological warning signs: These include increased anxiety and frequent panic attacks, depressed mood and suicidal ideation, mood swings characterised by increased agitation and irritability, significant memory loss, and difficulty focusing and paying attention.
- Behavioural warning signs: These include isolating from friends and family members, requiring more privacy or acting more secretively, spending more time outside or coming home at strange times, acting defensively when drinking is brought up in conversation, and hiding alcohol and empty bottles throughout the house.
- Other signs: Your parent may be spending a significant amount of time obtaining alcohol, drinking, and recovering from the effects of alcohol consumption. They may continue to drink despite negative consequences directly related to drinking, experience intense cravings, fail to fulfil personal obligations and responsibilities, exhibit an increase in risk-taking behaviours, and develop a physical tolerance to alcohol.
If you notice more than two of the above symptoms, professional treatment has likely become necessary.
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Take care of yourself
It is important to take care of yourself if you have an alcoholic parent. Here are some ways to do that:
Open up to someone
Talk to a trusted friend, teacher, school counsellor, doctor, therapist, or relative. Let them know what you are going through. It can be a relief to share your feelings and they may be able to offer help and support.
Find a support group
Support groups such as Al-Anon/Alateen (with a 24-hour hotline at 1-800-344-2666) can provide emotional support, college scholarships, help with grief, and tips for daily life. Support groups can help you learn how to avoid the risk of developing substance use problems yourself. Co-Dependents Anonymous is another support group that is dedicated to helping those who struggle with co-dependent relationships impacted by alcohol and drug use.
Know it's not your fault
Some people blame themselves for their parent's substance use. They may think about times when a parent was angry or blamed them, and wonder if they caused their drinking. But substance use disorder is an illness, and children cannot cause a parent's drinking problem.
Build good emotional habits
Some people learn not to speak up or show emotion, for fear of triggering a parent's drinking. While these habits may help you survive tough times, they may not work in other parts of your life. Being able to speak up and show emotion helps you have good relationships in the future. Therapy can help you build good habits that you were not able to learn while living with an alcoholic parent.
Take time for yourself
Plan activities that you enjoy, such as reading, watching TV, or hanging out with friends.
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Frequently asked questions
It is completely normal to feel sad about having an alcoholic parent. It is important to remember that it is not your fault and that you are not responsible for their drinking problem. You can take control of your own life and emotional well-being by seeking support from a trusted friend or adult, such as a teacher or therapist. Joining support groups such as Al-Anon or Co-Dependents Anonymous can also help you cope with your feelings and improve your mental state.
Alcohol addiction can look different for different people. Some common signs include drinking more or longer than intended, an inability to control alcohol use, and a preoccupation with maintaining their dependency that interferes with meeting their child's basic needs. Alcohol addiction can cause individuals to not meet their obligations at work, home, and school.
It can be scary to bring up concerns about a parent's alcohol problem, but it is important to remember that your conversation can help them get the help they need. When having this conversation, stick to positive language, use a concerned tone, and be solution-focused. Remember that the point of the conversation is to let them know that you are concerned and not to convince them that they have a problem.
