Noah Vinter
Enabling an alcoholic means doing things for them that they could and would do for themselves if they were sober. It is different from helping, which involves doing something that the person could not or would not do for themselves. Enabling allows the continuation of destructive behaviour and prevents recovery. It is often unconscious and driven by a desire to help the alcoholic avoid the short-term consequences of addiction. To stop enabling, you must allow the alcoholic to confront and manage the consequences of their addiction. This can be empowering for you and beneficial for the alcoholic, even though it may feel difficult.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Helping vs enabling | Helping is doing something that the person could not or would not do for themselves if they were sober. Enabling is doing things for a person misusing alcohol that they could and would do for themselves if they were sober. |
| Protecting vs enabling | Protecting someone who is misusing alcohol from the consequences of their actions is enabling. |
| Codependency | Enabling can be a sign of codependency, or an excessive reliance on a person due to addiction or illness. |
| Enabling behaviours | Giving money, paying bills, making excuses, covering up addiction, lying to others, taking on domestic and professional responsibilities, providing gifts, allowing them to live with you, bailing them out of jail, neglecting self-care, denial, minimising the addiction, monitoring alcohol intake, ignoring needs, justifying the addiction, ignoring the addiction, shielding them from consequences, keeping secrets, talking about behaviour while under influence, blaming others, focusing on the addict's needs |
| Not enabling | Setting boundaries, self-care, attending support groups, therapy, workshops, recovery programs, learning about addiction, detachment with love, allowing them to confront and manage the consequences of their addiction, expressing expectations about alcohol or drug use, providing professional help |
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What You'll Learn
Understand the difference between helping and enabling
Enabling an alcoholic means doing things for them that they could and would do for themselves if they were sober. It is different from helping, which involves doing something that the person could not, or would not, do for themselves. Enabling allows the continuation of destructive behaviour, and demonstrates to the alcoholic that there will always be a system to fix the problems created by addiction. This slows down or even fully prevents recovery.
Enabling can be a sign of codependency, which is an excessive reliance on a person who may need more support because of addiction or illness. It can also be a way to cope with or avoid emotional pain. Family members often enable because it puts their mind at ease, but this can backfire. For example, a parent might allow their addicted child to live with them because they will know where they are and that they are safe. However, this comes at the expense of the child being financially supported, where they might otherwise hit rock bottom and seek help.
Enabling behaviours include giving money, paying bills, making excuses for their behaviour, ignoring their own needs to focus on the alcoholic, lying to others on their behalf, and taking on domestic and professional responsibilities.
Helping an alcoholic involves setting healthy boundaries and providing them with effective professional resources. It is about providing an environment that encourages recovery, rather than shielding them from the consequences of their addiction. This can include attending support groups, such as Al-Anon, and learning about addiction through resources such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous meetings. It is also important to remember that you cannot fix or control the alcoholic, and that their recovery is their responsibility.
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Don't protect them from the consequences of their actions
When dealing with a loved one's alcoholism, it is common to want to protect them from harm. However, shielding them from the consequences of their actions enables their behaviour and delays their recovery. Here are some ways to stop enabling and start helping:
Don't Cover Up Their Mistakes or Make Excuses
Allow the alcoholic to take responsibility for their actions. If they missed work or a deadline, don't lie to their boss or colleagues to protect them. If they are facing legal consequences due to drunk driving or public intoxication, don't try to bail them out or minimise the situation. By facing the natural repercussions of their drinking, they may realise the impact their addiction is having on their life.
Refuse to Give Them Money
If you give the alcoholic money, there is a high chance it will be spent on alcohol. Don't lend them money to pay bills or rent if they have squandered their income on drinking. Don't pay their debts or legal fees. Cutting off financial support may force them to confront their problem and seek help.
Don't Rescue Them
If the alcoholic finds themselves in a dangerous situation due to their drinking, don't rescue them. For example, if they call you extremely intoxicated and ask you to pick them up, don't. They need to understand that their drinking is putting them in
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Set boundaries and practice self-care
Setting boundaries and practising self-care are crucial when dealing with a loved one's alcohol misuse. It is essential to understand that enabling behaviour allows the addiction to continue and prevents recovery. Enabling behaviours include giving money, making excuses, lying to others, and neglecting self-care.
To set boundaries, you must first understand the difference between helping and enabling. Helping is doing something that the person would not be able to do for themselves if they were sober. Enabling, on the other hand, is doing something that the person could and would do for themselves if they were sober. This includes allowing them to live with you rent-free, paying their bills, or bailing them out of jail. While it may be difficult, allowing them to face the consequences of their actions can be a powerful motivator for change.
Practising self-care is also important when dealing with a loved one's alcohol misuse. This may include taking time for yourself, engaging in activities you enjoy, or trying new ones. It is crucial to remember that you cannot fix or control the addict; you can only control your behaviours and reactions towards them. Self-care can help you detach from the addict and focus on your own well-being.
Additionally, educating yourself about addiction and recovery can be beneficial. Understanding the disease of addiction and the recovery process can help you set realistic expectations and provide more effective support. Support groups such as Al-Anon can provide valuable resources and a community of people with shared experiences.
Finally, effective communication is key. Clearly outline your expectations and boundaries regarding alcohol use and express your hope that they will seek treatment. Offer professional help and resources, and be willing to discuss further once they have initiated treatment. Remember, you have the right to detach from the addict's behaviours while still loving them.
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Don't give them money or gifts that enable their addiction
Enabling an alcoholic means doing things for them that they could and would do for themselves if they were sober. It is not the same as helping them, which involves doing something that they could not, or would not, do for themselves if they were sober. Enabling allows the continuation of destructive behaviour and demonstrates to the alcoholic that there will always be a system to fix the problems created by their addiction. This can slow down or even fully prevent recovery.
One of the ways in which people can enable an alcoholic is by giving them money or gifts that enable their addiction. This may include:
- Giving them money to buy alcohol or drugs
- Paying their bills, such as rent or utilities, that they would otherwise be paying themselves if they hadn't lost their job or missed time from work due to their drinking
- Bailing them out of jail or paying their legal fees
- Providing gifts that enable their addiction, such as alcohol itself, or items that facilitate their alcohol use
Enabling can be a way to cope with or avoid emotional pain, and it can be an easy trap to fall into, especially when the person struggling with alcohol issues is a close family member. However, it is important to remember that enabling can prevent the person from hitting rock bottom and seeking help. It can also create a power struggle, in which the enabler tends to lose the battle.
If you are enabling an alcoholic by giving them money or gifts, it is important to set healthy boundaries and provide them with effective professional resources. This may include attending support groups or meetings such as Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, or Narcotics Anonymous. It is also crucial to remember that you cannot fix or control the person, but you can change your behaviours and reactions toward them.
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Encourage them to seek professional help
Enabling an alcoholic means doing things for them that they could and would do for themselves if they were sober. This can include giving them money, making excuses for them, or covering up their addiction. It is important to understand the difference between helping and enabling—helping is doing something that the person could not or would not do for themselves if they were sober.
Offer Professional Help and Resources
Instead of providing direct assistance, offer to help them find professional help. Provide them with information about treatment options, support groups, and recovery programs. You can also suggest that they attend Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings, which are open to anyone struggling with addiction. These meetings can be a great source of support and guidance for individuals seeking to overcome their addiction.
Encourage Open Communication
Express your concerns about their alcohol use and let them know that you are there to support their recovery. It is important to communicate your expectations and boundaries clearly. Let them know that you would be happy to discuss things further once they have started treatment. Emphasize that seeking professional help is a sign of strength and a crucial step towards recovery.
Learn About Addiction
Educate yourself about alcohol addiction and the recovery process. Understanding the nature of addiction and the challenges your loved one is facing can help you provide more effective support. It can also help you recognize the signs of enabling behaviour and empower you to make changes. Al-Anon is an organization that offers support and resources to families and friends of alcoholics, providing valuable insights and guidance.
Set Healthy Boundaries
Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial when dealing with a loved one's addiction. Boundaries demonstrate your love and concern while also protecting your own well-being. Make it clear that you will not tolerate certain behaviours or enable their addiction. For example, you can set boundaries around financial support, housing, or other forms of assistance that may inadvertently enable their addiction. Communicate these boundaries clearly and consistently.
Practice Self-Care
Taking care of yourself is essential when dealing with a loved one's addiction. Addiction can be emotionally draining and stressful for those involved. Make sure to practice self-care by engaging in activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. This can include attending support groups, such as Al-Anon, seeking individual therapy, or participating in activities that bring you joy and help you detach from the role of enabler.
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Frequently asked questions
Enabling is when you do things for a person with alcohol use disorder that they could and would do for themselves if they were sober. Enabling allows the continuation of destructive behaviour and prevents recovery.
Signs of enabling include giving money, paying bills, making excuses for their behaviour, lying to others on their behalf, and ignoring your own needs to focus on the needs of the alcoholic.
Helping is doing something that the person could not or would not do for themselves if they were sober. Enabling does not protect a person who is misusing alcohol from the consequences of their actions.
To stop enabling, you must allow them to confront and manage the consequences of their addiction. Set healthy boundaries and provide them with professional resources. Attend support groups such as Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, or Narcotics Anonymous.
