Vivian Marlowe
Alcoholism is a challenging issue that can impact not just the person suffering from it but also their family. When the alcoholic is a parent, the situation can be particularly difficult for their children, who may struggle with conflicting emotions and worry about the impact on their own children. If you are concerned that your mother-in-law has a drinking problem, it is important to trust your instincts and speak up. This can be a hard conversation to have, but it could potentially save her life. It is important to remember that you do not have to deal with this situation alone and that there are support groups and professionals who can help you and your mother-in-law.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Alcoholism in the family | Alcoholism is a family disease that impacts the entire family unit |
| Enabling an addict | Do not enable an addict; this is not helping them |
| Speaking your truth | Be honest about how their behaviour makes you feel |
| Alcohol in the house | Do not have alcohol in the house or keep it locked away |
| Family dinners | Do not include them in family dinners if it makes you uncomfortable |
| Speaking to a professional | Speak to a professional to get support and advice |
| Support groups | Join a support group to help you cope |
| Therapy | Seek individual therapy to help you work through your emotions |
| Building emotional habits | Learn to speak up, show emotion, and build good emotional habits |
| Parent-child relationship | The parent-child relationship is unique, and you may fear upsetting your mother by bringing up her drinking |
| Understanding | Express your care and concern, and be understanding |
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What You'll Learn
Recognise the signs of alcoholism
Recognising the signs of alcoholism in a mother-in-law can be challenging, especially given the stigma and shame associated with the condition. Alcoholism, or alcohol use disorder (AUD), is a chronic disease characterised by an inability to stop or control alcohol consumption despite negative consequences. It's important to remember that your mother-in-law is struggling with a medical condition and that her behaviour is not a moral failing. Here are some signs to look out for:
Behavioural Signs
- Frequent intoxication: If your mother-in-law is frequently intoxicated, it may be a sign that she is struggling with alcohol control.
- Neglect of responsibilities: Alcoholism often leads to neglect of personal and familial duties, such as failing to fulfil responsibilities at home, work, or in social situations.
- Increased risk-taking: This may include driving while intoxicated or engaging in other hazardous activities under the influence.
- Secrecy and isolation: Your mother-in-law may start acting more secretive, requiring more privacy, or isolating herself from friends and family members.
- Defensive behaviour: She may become defensive or agitated when the topic of drinking is brought up in conversation.
- Making excuses: Your mother-in-law may blame her drinking on external factors such as a stressful job or other life stressors.
Physical Signs
- Weight changes: Significant weight loss or weight gain can be an indicator of alcohol abuse.
- Appearance: She may appear dishevelled, with less attention paid to personal hygiene and appearance.
- Redness: Redness of the cheeks and nose can be a physical indicator of excessive drinking.
- Nausea and vomiting: Frequent nausea and vomiting are common physical symptoms of alcohol abuse.
- Unsteadiness: Your mother-in-law may appear uncoordinated or experience frequent falls or unexplained bruising.
- Withdrawal symptoms: Look out for signs of physical dependence, such as shaking hands, sweating, or nausea when she is not drinking.
Psychological Signs
- Memory loss: Alcohol abuse can lead to significant short-term and long-term memory loss.
- Anxiety and depression: Increased anxiety, frequent panic attacks, and depressed mood are common psychological symptoms.
- Mood swings: Alcohol abuse can result in mood swings, irritability, and increased agitation.
- Cravings: Your mother-in-law may experience intense cravings for alcohol and a persistent desire to drink.
If you notice a combination of these signs, it may be an indication that your mother-in-law is struggling with alcoholism. It's important to approach the situation with compassion and understanding, offering emotional and practical support while encouraging her to seek professional help. Remember, only a licensed professional can provide a formal diagnosis and recommend an appropriate treatment plan.
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Prioritise your own health and join a support group
Dealing with an alcoholic mother-in-law can be challenging, and it is important to prioritise your own health and well-being during this time. Remember that alcoholism can affect the entire family, and you may experience complex emotions such as love, frustration, and loss. It is crucial to recognise that you are not alone in this situation and that support is available.
One way to prioritise your health is to join a support group specifically designed for family members of people struggling with alcoholism. These groups provide a safe and non-judgmental space to share your experiences, connect with others in similar situations, and receive guidance from experts in addiction and family therapy. Support groups can offer practical advice, emotional support, and a sense of community, helping you feel less isolated and more empowered to cope with the challenges of having an alcoholic mother-in-law.
There are various support groups available, such as Al-Anon, which offers emotional support and coping strategies for family members of people with alcoholism. Another option is Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA), a 12-step program that helps adults recover and heal from the trauma and neglect they experienced during their childhood due to their parent's alcoholism. Additionally, groups like Families Anonymous provide support for families or loved ones struggling with a loved one's substance abuse issues. These groups can provide valuable resources and a sense of community during a difficult time.
Joining a support group can be a brave step towards prioritising your health and well-being. It is important to remember that you are not responsible for your mother-in-law's alcoholism, and seeking support for yourself is crucial. By taking care of yourself, you can gain the strength and resilience to cope with the challenges of having an alcoholic mother-in-law and support her journey towards recovery if she chooses to seek help.
Additionally, there are helplines such as SAMHSA's National Helpline, which offers confidential and free information, referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organisations for individuals and families facing substance use disorders. These helplines can provide valuable guidance and resources to help you navigate this difficult situation and connect you with local support groups in your area.
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Set boundaries and avoid enabling her addiction
Setting boundaries with an alcoholic mother-in-law can be challenging, but it is important for your well-being and for her to understand the impact of her addiction. Firstly, it is crucial to recognise that you cannot control her actions or force her to change. Boundaries are primarily for yourself, to establish what you will or will not do in response to her drinking.
One key boundary to consider is limiting your mother-in-law's access to alcohol when she is with you. This could mean not having alcohol in your house or keeping it locked away, and choosing not to go to restaurants or bars where she can drink. If she arrives drunk, you could express your concern for her health and leave her at home, promising to bring her food later, as some people suggest.
Another important boundary is refusing to cover up her alcoholism or enable her addiction. This could include not lying for her or calling in sick to work on her behalf. You might also decline social invitations or family dinners if she is drinking, and be honest about why you are uncomfortable attending.
It is also essential to look after yourself and seek support. Consider joining a support group for friends and family of alcoholics, such as Al-Anon, or speaking to a trusted friend or therapist. Remember, you are not alone in this situation, and it is important to prioritise your own health and well-being.
Finally, when addressing these boundaries with your mother-in-law, try to use positive and non-judgemental language. Express your love and concern for her, and focus on finding solutions together. While she may not initially accept that she has a problem, you can suggest constructive next steps, such as visiting a doctor or seeking therapy.
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Have a conversation about her drinking
Dealing with an alcoholic mother-in-law can be challenging, but having a conversation about her drinking can be a crucial step towards positive change. Here are some detailed suggestions on how to approach this conversation:
Choose an Appropriate Time and Place
It is important to choose a time when your mother-in-law is sober and a private, quiet place with minimal distractions. This will ensure she is more receptive to the conversation and help prevent her from feeling ambushed or overwhelmed.
Prepare What You Want to Say
Before the conversation, take time to write down your thoughts and concerns. Express your care and concern for her well-being, and use "I" statements, such as "I'm worried about you" or "I'm concerned about your health." Mention specific instances of her drinking that have worried you, and ask open-ended questions to encourage a dialogue, such as "I noticed you've been drinking more lately. Is there something you want to talk about?"
Learn About Alcohol Use Disorders (AUD)
Educate yourself about AUD and the signs and symptoms of alcoholism. This will help you communicate your concerns more effectively and show your mother-in-law that you understand the seriousness of the situation. It will also help you suggest appropriate resources and support groups that could aid her recovery.
Express Understanding and Care
Approach the conversation with empathy and understanding. Let her know that you care about her and want to support her. Avoid open hostility, anger, guilt-tripping, or using stigmatizing labels like "alcoholic." Instead, focus on expressing your concern and offering emotional and practical support.
Involve Family Members or Professionals
Consider involving other trusted family members, such as your spouse or siblings-in-law, in the conversation. Their support and perspective can be valuable. Additionally, if your mother-in-law denies having a problem or is resistant to change, you may want to suggest involving a medical professional, therapist, or interventionist to provide additional support and guidance.
Remember, the conversation may not lead to immediate change, but it can be a crucial first step towards helping your mother-in-law recognize the impact of her drinking and hopefully seek treatment. It is important to remain supportive and non-judgmental throughout the process, offering your help while also setting healthy boundaries for yourself.
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Encourage her to seek professional help
Alcohol addiction can be challenging to overcome, and setbacks are common. Seeking professional help is often necessary for lasting recovery. Here are some ways to encourage your mother-in-law to seek such help:
Firstly, express your concerns in a caring and non-judgmental way. Choose a time when your mother-in-law is sober and calm, and find a quiet, private place where you won't be interrupted. Speak from a place of love and concern for her health and well-being, and try to remain neutral and compassionate. Avoid using labels like "alcoholic" or "addict". Instead, focus on the impact her drinking is having on her life and the lives of those around her.
Offer her concrete steps to address the problem, such as calling a helpline, seeing her doctor, or joining a support group. You could even offer to accompany her to these appointments or meetings. Provide her with information about local treatment centres, therapists, and support groups. Gently remind her that seeking help is a sign of strength and a necessary step towards getting better.
In addition, you can help her identify and avoid triggers. Certain situations or people may lead to alcohol cravings, so help her plan ways to handle these situations. Encourage her to develop distraction techniques, such as calling a friend, going for a walk, or riding out the urge.
Remember, you don't have to do this alone. Dealing with an alcoholic family member can be emotionally draining, so make sure you also seek support from friends, family, community, or support groups. Taking care of yourself is crucial, and by staying involved in your mother-in-law's recovery journey, you can make a significant difference.
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Frequently asked questions
It is important to remember that you are not alone in this situation. Alcoholism affects the entire family, and it is challenging to learn how to help an alcoholic parent or parent-in-law. Here are some suggestions:
- Set boundaries: Decide on boundaries that make you feel safe, such as not allowing them to babysit your children or drink in your home.
- Avoid enabling: While it may be tempting to cover up their alcoholism, enabling an addict is not helping them.
- Speak honestly: Express how their behaviour makes you feel and that you will not facilitate their drinking.
- Offer solutions: Suggest they seek help, such as visiting their GP, contacting Alcoholics Anonymous, or trying therapy.
It is common for people with alcoholism to deny they have an issue. In this case, be proactive and put forward solutions. Suggest a visit to their doctor or a support group, and offer to accompany them.
It is important to approach the conversation with a kind and sympathetic tone. Stick to positive language and avoid labels like 'alcoholic'. Focus on solutions and boundaries, and remember to look after yourself.
Encourage your spouse to speak to someone they trust and suggest joining a support group or therapy. They may also want to consider individual therapy to work through their emotions and change their mindset in approaching their mother. Remember that alcoholism is a family disease, and it is crucial for your spouse to address their parent's drinking and get the support they need.
