Seeking Help: Alcoholic Spouse Counseling

Alcoholism is a complex disorder that can affect anyone and recognizing it as a disease is crucial to destigmatizing the condition. If you are concerned about your spouse's drinking, it is important to approach the situation with empathy and patience. It is not your fault if your spouse has an alcohol problem, and you cannot control or cure their drinking. However, you can offer support and encouragement for them to seek professional help. It may be helpful to first suggest activities that you can do together that do not involve alcohol. When you do bring up the topic of their drinking, choose a time when they are sober and you are both calm. Express your concerns without blame or judgment, and focus on how their drinking has impacted you and your relationship. It is also important to take care of yourself during this challenging time, such as by joining a support group or seeking therapy.

Understand the signs of alcohol misuse

Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic medical condition characterised by an inability to stop or control drinking despite health, social, or professional consequences. AUD is a treatable condition that can develop in association with certain cognitive changes and physiological adaptations that make it difficult for a person to stop drinking, even if they want to.

• Physical changes: These may include bloodshot eyes, alcohol on their breath, sleeping more than usual or appearing tired, and an unsteady gait.
• Behavioural changes: Your spouse may become frequently angry, belligerent, or moody for no apparent reason. They may appear intoxicated, or be unable to refuse an offer of alcohol. They may also lose interest in relationships, work activities, or schoolwork.
• Secrecy and isolation: Your spouse may start telling lies or become secretive about their whereabouts and alcohol consumption. They may also isolate themselves from others, drinking in private, making it challenging for loved ones to intervene.
• Impact on life: Alcohol misuse may negatively impact your spouse's life and cause harm to their health, relationships, or professional life. They may continue to drink despite these harmful consequences.
• Increased tolerance: Your spouse may need to drink more to get the same effect, indicating a sign of increased tolerance and dependence on alcohol.
• Withdrawal symptoms: Alcohol dependence can cause physical and mental withdrawal symptoms when trying to reduce or stop drinking. These symptoms can include anxiety, depression, shakes, nausea, and sweating.
• Prioritising drinking: Your spouse may give precedence to drinking over other daily activities, responsibilities, and obligations. They may also make excuses for their drinking, such as needing it to relax or deal with stress.
• Craving alcohol: Alcohol dependence is characterised by a strong, often uncontrollable, craving or desire to drink. Your spouse may feel they cannot function or survive without alcohol.

If you recognise these signs in your spouse, it is important to seek professional help and support. You can encourage your spouse to seek counselling, treatment, or group meetings, and offer to connect them to these resources. It is also crucial to take care of yourself during this challenging time and seek support for yourself, such as therapy or support groups.

Focus on self-care and set boundaries

Living with an alcoholic spouse can trigger feelings of self-blame, attempts to control your spouse's drinking, and enabling behaviour. It is important to remember that you did not cause their drinking, and you cannot control or cure it. You are not responsible if your spouse suffers negative consequences due to their behaviour.

Focusing on self-care and setting boundaries is crucial when dealing with an alcoholic spouse. Taking care of your own emotional well-being is important, and engaging in self-care practices can help you navigate the emotional challenges that come with supporting a loved one through addiction. Self-care can take many forms, including activities that bring you joy and relaxation. It is important to set aside time for yourself and engage in hobbies or practices that promote your well-being. This could include exercise, meditation, journaling, spending time with loved ones, or engaging in creative outlets.

When setting boundaries, it is common to encounter pushback from an alcoholic spouse. Resistance may arise due to established patterns and unspoken rules in the relationship. However, enforcing boundaries can ultimately improve the relationship and reinforce commitment. Here are some strategies for dealing with pushback:

• Stay firm: Stand your ground and maintain the boundaries you have set. Consistency is key to establishing and reinforcing boundaries.
• Seek support: Reach out to support networks such as friends, family, or support groups for guidance and encouragement. They can provide you with emotional support and advice on navigating difficult situations.
• Detach with love: Focus on your well-being and do not allow the consequences of addiction to harm your mental health. By setting boundaries and detaching from the addictive behaviour, you can prioritise your self-care and promote a more manageable life.

When communicating boundaries, it is important to choose an appropriate time and place for the conversation. Avoid discussing boundaries when your spouse is under the influence of alcohol or during heated arguments. Instead, find a calm and neutral setting where both of you can focus on the conversation. Be clear and specific about the boundaries you are setting and the reasons behind them. This helps your spouse understand what is expected and the impact of their actions.

Remember, setting boundaries is not about trying to control someone or make them change. It is about establishing how you want to be treated and creating a path to healthy relationships.

Avoid enabling behaviours

Living with a spouse who has an alcohol use disorder can trigger feelings of self-blame and attempts to control their drinking behaviour. It is important to remember that you did not cause their drinking, and you cannot control or cure it. Enabling behaviours can include covering for your spouse or making excuses for them. For example, calling their workplace and telling their boss that they are sick when they are actually intoxicated or hungover. Enabling can also look like bailing them out of jail for a DUI, minimising the impact of their drinking on your family, avoiding the issue, or pretending it doesn't exist.

To avoid enabling behaviours, it is important to practice releasing control over your spouse's alcohol use. This means not obsessively monitoring their drinking behaviour, keeping tabs on their whereabouts, attempting to discard their alcohol, lecturing them, forbidding them from drinking, or pleading with them to stop. Instead, focus on offering help and encouraging your spouse to seek out counselling, treatment, and group meetings. Offer to connect them to these resources and suggest activities you can do together that don't involve alcohol.

Educate yourself about substance use disorders, including diagnostic criteria, withdrawal symptoms, detox, and treatment options. This knowledge can provide you with empathy for your spouse's experience and solid data to aid your discussions and decisions. Seek support for yourself through resources or therapy to feel less alone in this challenge. Take time for yourself and ensure you have a good support system. Remember, you cannot cure your partner's alcohol use disorder, but you can provide information and support to make it easier for them to seek out their own recovery.

Suggest alternative activities

If your spouse is struggling with an alcohol use disorder (AUD), there are several ways you can help them and yourself. Firstly, it is important to remember that you are not the cause of their drinking, nor can you control or cure it. However, you can contribute positively to their recovery and your own healing by offering help and support. Here are some alternative activities and approaches to suggest to your spouse as they navigate their recovery:

• Outdoor Activities: Encourage your spouse to engage in outdoor pursuits such as hiking, biking, or camping. These activities provide a healthy distraction and a chance to reconnect with nature. They can also be a great way to improve physical and mental well-being.
• Socializing with Friends and Family: Instead of meeting at bars or pubs, suggest alcohol-free social activities with friends and family. Host a movie night, organize a board game tournament, or catch up over coffee. Social connections are important for your spouse's recovery and can help reduce stress and improve their mood.
• Exercise and Hobbies: Exercise-based hobbies can be incredibly beneficial for addiction recovery. Suggest activities like yoga, jogging, swimming, or team sports. These activities can help your spouse take care of their physical health, which is often neglected during active addiction. Hobbies can also provide a sense of structure and routine, filling their time positively.
• Mutual-Help Groups: Encourage your spouse to join mutual-help groups, such as Women for Sobriety (WFS). These groups provide support and accountability and significantly increase the likelihood of maintaining sobriety. WFS, for example, offers an alternative to traditional 12-step programs with a focus on emotional and spiritual growth.
• Mocktails and Non-Alcoholic Drinks: Instead of alcoholic beverages, suggest making mocktails or trying non-alcoholic alternatives. Mocktails can be a fun and easy way to enjoy sophisticated, delicious drinks without the negative consequences of alcohol. Experiment with recipes like non-alcoholic margaritas or Bloody Marys.
• Meditation and Relaxation: Encourage your spouse to explore relaxation techniques such as meditation. Daily meditation can help reduce stress and improve mental clarity, providing a healthy alternative to drinking. It can also foster emotional and spiritual growth.

Remember, recovery is a journey, and it's important to seek professional help when needed. Support groups and therapy can provide additional tools and strategies to aid your spouse's recovery and your own well-being.

Seek professional help

Alcoholism is a chronic medical condition that can have a significant impact on both the individual and their family. It is important to recognise that you are not the cause of your spouse's drinking, nor can you control or cure it. However, there are ways you can contribute positively to their recovery and your own healing.

• Educate yourself about alcoholism: Understanding the science behind addiction and how it affects the brain can help you approach your spouse's drinking with empathy. This knowledge will also empower you to better support your spouse and make informed decisions about their care.
• Encourage your spouse to seek professional help: Offer to connect them with resources such as counselling, treatment centres, group meetings, or therapy. Suggest that they speak to their GP or a specialist about the best steps forward. You can also recommend activities that you can do together that don't involve alcohol.
• Consider an intervention: While this may not be appropriate in all circumstances, professionals can assist you with the process if necessary. It may take several conversations before your spouse takes action or enters treatment.
• Explore Behavioural Couples Therapy (BCT): BCT is designed for married or cohabiting couples where one partner has a problem with alcoholism. It typically involves 12-20 weekly outpatient couple sessions over a 3-6 month period and can be an effective way to improve communication, build support for abstinence, and enhance relationship functioning. BCT can be combined with individual counselling, group therapy, and/or medication to aid recovery.
• Seek support for yourself: Taking care of yourself is crucial when dealing with a spouse's alcoholism. Consider joining support groups or seeing a therapist to navigate the challenges and develop coping strategies. Remember, finding a balance between supporting your spouse and looking after your own emotional health is key.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey. By seeking professional help, you can make a positive impact on your spouse's recovery and your own well-being.

Frequently asked questions