Coping With Loss: An Alcoholic Mother's Death

Dealing with the death of a parent is one of the most challenging experiences a person can go through. When the parent struggled with alcohol addiction, the grieving process can be even more complex and painful. Alcoholism is a disease that changes the chemistry of the brain, and those suffering from it often continue drinking despite the negative consequences to their health and relationships. The children of alcoholics often have complicated relationships with their parents, and the stigma surrounding alcoholism can make it difficult for them to talk openly about their feelings. They may feel a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, embarrassment, guilt, and confusion, and it is common to experience these feelings in different orders or to fluctuate between them. However, it is important to remember that the death of an alcoholic parent is not the fault of the child, and support is available through organisations such as Nacoa, Al-Anon, and Cruse Bereavement Care.

Accepting your feelings of grief and loss

Losing a parent can be one of the hardest things you will ever experience. The death of a parent can shatter your core beliefs and assumptions about the world and leave you with a vast emptiness that might seem impossible to heal. It is important to remember that everyone will experience their own journey of grief differently, and there is no single right way to grieve.

The death of a parent can leave you reeling, no matter what kind of relationship you had with them. You may have had a complicated relationship with your mother, or perhaps you didn't have any contact with her at all. You might feel sad, angry, scared, embarrassed, irritable, lonely, or numb. You might also feel relieved that she is no longer in pain or struggling with her addiction. All of these feelings are valid and normal.

Allow yourself to feel these emotions and accept that grief is a difficult and painful process. Pushing away your feelings can lead to incomplete grief, where you become stuck and unable to move on. You may feel like you should be further along in your grief process, or that others expect you to bury your grief and move on quickly. Try not to let the opinions of others sway you.

Remember that grief doesn't follow a linear path. You may feel better for a period of time, only to have feelings of grief return, especially on significant dates and holidays. You might jump between different stages of grief or experience more than one at a time. Be patient with yourself and know that the pain of loss will lessen with time, even if it never completely goes away.

Consider getting professional help from a mental health professional, such as a therapist or psychologist, to help you process your emotions. They can provide support and guidance as you navigate your unique grief journey.

Dealing with doctors, coroners, social services, and police

Dealing with the death of a parent is one of the most difficult experiences, and it can be even more challenging when the parent struggled with alcoholism or other addictions. You may feel a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, fear, embarrassment, irritability, loneliness, or numbness. It is important to remember that grief is a normal response to bereavement, and it is not your fault; you are not responsible for your parent's drinking or their death.

Doctors

If your mother passed away in a hospital, the doctors and medical staff involved in her care will be able to provide you with information about the circumstances of her death. They can explain any medical terms or procedures that were performed and may offer support or resources for grieving family members.

Coroners

The coroner may be involved if the cause of death is unclear or requires further investigation. They may decide that a post-mortem examination is necessary, which will be performed in a hospital or mortuary. While you cannot object to a coroner's post-mortem, you will be informed of the date and location of the examination. After the necessary examinations are completed, the coroner will release the body for the funeral and send the relevant forms to the registrar, including the cause of death. If you need proof of death before the inquest is concluded, you can request an interim death certificate from the coroner.

Social Services

Social services may be involved if there are dependents or family members who require support or alternative living arrangements following your mother's death. They can provide assistance with practical matters, such as housing or financial concerns, especially if there are children or vulnerable individuals affected. Social services can also connect you with grief counselling or support groups to help you process your loss.

Police

In some cases, the police may be involved, particularly if the circumstances surrounding your mother's death are sudden, suspicious, or related to criminal activity. The police will conduct their investigations and may request information or statements from family members. They will work in conjunction with the coroner's office to determine the cause of death and may provide updates or relevant information to the next of kin.

Remember, you are not alone in this difficult time. Organisations like Nacoa offer support and resources for adults and young people dealing with the death of an alcoholic parent.

Understanding the grieving process

Losing a parent is one of the hardest things a person can experience. When a parent dies due to alcoholism, it can be even more difficult to process. It is important to remember that grief is a normal response to bereavement. You might feel sad, angry, scared, embarrassed, irritable, lonely, or numb. You may not know what to say about how your parent died, especially if your relationship was complicated or you didn't have contact with them.

The grieving process is different for everyone, but experts divide it into five basic stages. The first stage is usually denial because it can be difficult for the brain to accept the reality of death. When a loved one's death is caused by alcoholism, denial can be even harder to overcome due to the complex emotions involved. You may feel angry at the person who has died or at others, including yourself, for not doing enough to help them. You may also feel embarrassed or ashamed about the circumstances of their death. It is important to remember that alcohol problems are like an illness where the person has lost control over their drinking, and it is not your fault.

The second stage of grief is bargaining, where we try to make sense of a painful situation. Thoughts like "If only I had done something sooner" or "If only I had forced her into rehab" are common. It is important to recognize that you are not responsible for your parent's drinking or their decision to seek treatment. The third stage is depression, which sets in when you realize the loss is real and there is nothing you can do to change it. This can be especially true when a loved one dies from alcoholism, as their death may have been preventable.

The fourth stage is acceptance, where you come to terms with the reality of the loss. This doesn't mean the grieving process is over, but it is a necessary step towards moving forward. The fifth and final stage is finding meaning, where you try to make sense of the death and integrate it into your life story. This may involve reflecting on the impact of your parent's alcoholism and how it has shaped your life. It can be helpful to seek support from organizations like Nacoa, which offers information and support for those who have lost a parent to addiction.

Finding support from friends, family, and helplines

Losing a parent is one of the hardest things a person can go through. When that parent has struggled with alcohol or other addictions, it can be even more difficult to process. You might feel a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, embarrassment, irritability, loneliness, or numbness. It is important to remember that grief is a normal response to bereavement and that you are not alone in your experience.

Finding support from friends and family

Talking about your feelings with people you trust can help you heal. Consider reaching out to friends, teachers, or family members who can provide emotional support. It is okay to not know what to say about your parent's death, especially if your relationship was complicated or if you didn't have regular contact. Remember that it's not your fault and that you are not responsible for your parent's drinking or their death. Alcohol problems are similar to an illness where the person has lost control over their drinking, and they continue to drink despite the negative consequences.

Finding support from helplines and support groups

If you don't feel comfortable talking to people in your immediate circle, there are other options for support. Helplines and support groups can provide valuable assistance and resources for individuals dealing with the loss of a parent to addiction. Here are some resources to consider:

• SAMHSA's National Helpline: This helpline offers a free, confidential, 24/7 treatment referral and information service in English and Spanish for individuals and families facing mental health and substance use disorders. You can call them at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or text your zip code to 435748 (HELP4U) to find help near you.
• Nacoa: Nacoa provides support and resources for individuals coping with the death of a parent who had an alcohol problem. You can visit their website to read about other people's experiences, connect with others on their message boards, and find additional support resources. They also have a helpline you can call to get in touch with their team.
• Alateen: Alateen is a youth support group specifically designed for teens who have parents with alcohol abuse problems. You can find emotional support and connect with others who understand what you're going through.

Channelling feelings into positive action

Dealing with the death of a parent is one of the most challenging experiences a person can go through. When that parent struggled with alcoholism, the grieving process can become even more complex and confusing. It is important to remember that grief is a natural response to loss and separation. Everyone grieves differently, and there is no set timeline for the grieving process.

• Campaigning and Support Groups: Getting involved in campaigns that raise awareness about the impact of substance abuse can be therapeutic. It can help you connect with others who have gone through similar experiences and provide a sense of purpose. Organisations like Al-Anon, Cruse Bereavement Care, and BEAD (Bereaved through Alcohol and Drugs) Project offer support and resources for those affected by a loved one's drinking.
• Expressing Emotions: Talking about your feelings is an important aspect of healing. It is common for families to keep alcohol problems a secret, but breaking this silence can be liberating. Consider confiding in a trusted friend, counsellor, or support group. Remember that it's okay to feel a range of emotions, and allowing yourself to feel them with the support of others can aid in your recovery.
• Self-Care and Activities: Taking care of yourself is crucial during this difficult time. Engaging in activities you enjoy, such as sports, hobbies, walking, or spending time with pets, can provide a healthy distraction and help you process your emotions.
• Creating Traditions: Certain dates, such as birthdays or anniversaries of your mother's death, may be particularly challenging. Creating traditions to commemorate these days, such as lighting a candle, preparing a special meal, or watching a favourite film, can help you honour your mother's memory and provide a sense of comfort.
• Understanding Alcoholism: Grieving for a parent with alcoholism often involves understanding their disease. Alcoholism is an illness where the person loses control over their drinking, even when it negatively impacts their lives and health. Educating yourself about alcoholism can help you make sense of your mother's actions and behaviour.
• Acceptance: Accepting the loss is a crucial step in your grieving process. It means acknowledging that the tragedy occurred and that you must move forward, even if the grieving process is ongoing. This acceptance can empower you to begin adjusting to your new reality without your mother.

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and it is okay to seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed.

Frequently asked questions