Confronting An Alcoholic Husband In Denial: Steps To Take

Alcoholism is a brain disorder that can cause lasting changes in the brain and lead to intense trauma and stress for the alcoholic's family members, especially their wives. It is a progressive disease that gets worse until the person seeks help. If your husband is an alcoholic in denial, you may experience feelings of self-blame, attempts to control his drinking, and enabling behaviour. It is important to understand that you are not the cause nor the cure of your husband's drinking problem. Instead, focus on staying grounded in the present situation, freeing yourself from blame, setting clear boundaries, and encouraging your husband to seek professional help.

Recognise the signs: lying about drinking, regularly blacking out, drinking in dangerous situations

Recognising the signs of alcoholism in a partner who is in denial can be challenging, but some common indicators include lying about drinking, regular blackouts, and drinking in dangerous situations. Here are some detailed explanations of these signs:

Lying about drinking: A person struggling with alcoholism may lie about their alcohol consumption to hide the extent of their problem. They may deny that they have been drinking, minimise the amount they have consumed, or make excuses for their drinking. For example, they may blame their drinking on work stress or claim that they were socialising with friends.

Regular blackouts: Alcohol-related blackouts refer to memory loss associated with alcohol consumption. This can be temporary or permanent. During a blackout, a person may continue to interact with others but will be unable to form new memories. They may ask repetitive questions due to their inability to retain new information. Blackouts typically occur suddenly and without warning. A person who experiences frequent blackouts is likely to have a serious substance abuse problem.

Drinking in dangerous situations: A person with an unhealthy relationship with alcohol may engage in drinking despite the potential risks involved. This could include driving under the influence, operating heavy machinery while intoxicated, or mixing alcohol with prescription medications. They may also drink in situations that could lead to physical harm, such as drinking and then swimming, or drinking in an unsafe neighbourhood.

It's important to remember that recognising these signs does not necessarily mean that your husband is an alcoholic. However, if you notice a combination of these behaviours, it may be a cause for concern. Addiction is a progressive illness, and addressing the issue early on is crucial. If you are worried about your husband's drinking, consider seeking professional help or reaching out to support groups for guidance and assistance.

Understand the causes: alcoholism is a brain disorder that can cause lasting changes in the brain

Alcoholism is a brain disorder that can cause lasting changes in the brain. Alcohol interferes with the brain's communication pathways and can affect the way the brain looks and works. Alcohol makes it harder for the brain areas controlling balance, memory, speech, and judgment to do their jobs, resulting in a higher likelihood of injuries and other negative outcomes. Long-term heavy drinking causes alterations in the neurons, such as reductions in their size. Adolescent brains are more vulnerable to the negative effects of alcohol than adult brains. Misuse of alcohol during adolescence can alter brain development, potentially resulting in long-lasting changes in brain structure and function.

Alcohol-related brain damage (ARBD) is caused by a person regularly drinking too much alcohol or binge drinking over several years. ARBD can lead to mild cognitive impairment (MCI), with small changes to thinking and memory, or more serious problems with memory and thinking, similar to dementia. The extent of the brain's ability to return to normal following long-term sobriety is not fully understood, but studies indicate that some AUD-induced brain changes can improve and possibly reverse with months of abstinence from drinking.

Alcohol can change the activity of neurotransmitters and cause neurons to respond (excitation) or interfere with responding (inhibition). Different amounts of alcohol can affect the functioning of different neurotransmitters. Over time, imbalances in neurotransmitter activity can result in seizures, sedation, depression, agitation, and other mood and behavior disorders. Alcoholism can also increase the risk of neurological conditions such as head injury, encephalopathy, and fetal alcohol syndrome, as well as psychiatric conditions such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, and schizophrenia.

If your husband is struggling with alcoholism and is in denial, it's important to understand that you are not the cause nor the cure of his substance abuse issues. Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic medical condition, and like other chronic conditions, it has several potential contributing factors. You can contribute positively to his recovery and your own healing by seeking support and understanding the causes and effects of alcoholism.

Consider reaching out to support organizations such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration's National Helpline. These organizations can provide valuable resources, treatment referrals, and information services for individuals and families dealing with alcohol use disorders. It's important to approach the situation calmly and non-defensively, acknowledging the negative impact of your husband's drinking on yourself and your family. Be prepared that you may need to stop drinking yourself to support your husband's recovery.

Take care of yourself: set boundaries, practice self-care, don't take things personally, and don't enable their behaviour

Living with a partner who has an alcohol use disorder can trigger feelings of self-blame and attempts to control your partner's drinking. It is important to remember that you are not the cause of your spouse's drinking, nor can you control or cure it. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that gets worse until the person seeks help. It is a brain disorder that can cause lasting changes in the brain. It is important to take care of yourself by setting boundaries, practising self-care, not taking things personally, and not enabling their behaviour.

Set boundaries

Setting boundaries is an important way to express your needs, feel respected, and create a safe environment. Boundaries can cover physical, emotional, and time-related aspects of your relationship. For example, you may decide that you will not tolerate verbal abuse or that you expect your partner to be home by a certain time. These boundaries can help your spouse understand what behaviours are acceptable and unacceptable.

Practise self-care

Taking care of yourself is crucial when dealing with an alcoholic husband. This may include practising self-compassion, engaging in activities that bring you joy, and seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist. Researching alcoholism, understanding its effects, and exploring treatment options can also be considered self-care. Knowing what you are dealing with can help you feel more empowered and better equipped to support your husband.

Don't take things personally

It is common for people with alcohol use disorders to blame their drinking on circumstances or those around them. They may make statements like, "The only reason I drink is because of you." It is important not to internalise these accusations and to remember that your husband's drinking is not your fault.

Don't enable their behaviour

Enabling your spouse involves behaviours such as covering up for them or making excuses for their drinking. For example, calling their workplace to say they are sick when they are actually intoxicated. Enabling can also include bailing them out of jail for a DUI or minimising the impact of their drinking on your family. While it may seem helpful in the moment, enabling prevents your spouse from facing the natural consequences of their actions and can perpetuate their denial of the problem.

Encourage professional help: research treatment options, suggest therapy, and recommend support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)

Dealing with a partner's alcohol abuse can be challenging, especially if they are in denial about their problem. Here are some ways to encourage your husband to seek professional help:

Research Treatment Options:

• Learn about alcohol use disorder and its treatment: Educate yourself about the signs and symptoms of alcohol use disorder, as well as the various treatment options available. Understanding the problem will enable you to better support your husband and make informed decisions about his care.
• Explore treatment facilities and programs: Look into different treatment facilities, including inpatient and outpatient programs, that offer evidence-based therapies and support for alcohol use disorder. Consider factors such as location, cost, and the types of services offered.
• Verify insurance coverage: Contact your insurance provider to understand the extent of your husband's coverage for substance use disorder treatment. Knowing what services are covered can help guide your treatment facility options.

Suggest Therapy:

• Encourage individual therapy: Suggest that your husband attend individual therapy sessions with a licensed therapist or counsellor who specializes in substance use disorders. Therapy can help him address the underlying causes of his alcohol abuse, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and gain insight into his triggers and behaviours.
• Explore couples or family therapy: Consider suggesting couples or family therapy, which can address how your husband's drinking impacts the relationship and family dynamics. It can also provide a safe space to improve communication, heal relationships, and develop a strong support system for his recovery.

Recommend Support Groups:

• Alcoholics Anonymous (AA): AA is a widely recognized and effective support group for individuals struggling with alcohol addiction. It is a free, peer-support program that follows a 12-step model, encouraging members to admit their powerlessness over alcohol and seek a higher power for help. AA meetings provide a sense of community, accountability, and ongoing support for long-term recovery.
• Al-Anon: While AA focuses on individuals with alcohol use disorders, Al-Anon is a support group for the family members, spouses, and loved ones of alcoholics. Attending Al-Anon meetings can provide you with support, understanding, and guidance in dealing with your husband's denial and addiction. It can also help you set boundaries and take care of your own well-being.

Remember, it is important to approach these conversations with empathy and understanding. Express your concern for your husband's well-being and emphasize your support for his journey towards recovery.

Be supportive: express your thoughts and feelings, listen to your partner, and ask how alcohol has negatively affected them

Dealing with a partner's alcoholism can be challenging, and it's important to remember that you are not the cause nor the cure of your husband's drinking problem. However, there are ways to support your husband and contribute positively to his recovery while also taking care of yourself.

Be supportive by expressing your thoughts and feelings

It is important to have an honest conversation with your husband about his drinking. Start by choosing an appropriate time to talk, and be mindful of your tone to avoid sounding accusatory. Express your thoughts and feelings about his drinking and how it has negatively impacted you and your family. It is crucial to communicate that your goal is to support his well-being and maintain your relationship.

Listen to your partner

When discussing the impact of alcohol, it is important to listen to your husband's perspective. Ask him how he feels alcohol has affected him and be prepared to listen without judgement. This can help you both understand the extent of the problem and the changes that need to be made.

Ask how alcohol has negatively affected him

Alcoholism can impair daily functions, including work stability, interactions with law enforcement, and overall behaviour. Ask your husband about these potential consequences and how they have impacted him. By understanding the negative effects, your husband may be more open to acknowledging the problem and seeking help.

Remember, alcoholism is a progressive disease that usually gets worse over time until the person seeks help. It is characterised by an inability to control drinking despite health, social, or professional consequences. Your husband may be in denial about his drinking, which is a common defence mechanism among high-functioning alcoholics. By expressing your concerns, listening to his perspective, and discussing the negative consequences, you can support your husband in taking the first steps towards recovery.

Frequently asked questions