Coping With Alcoholic Relatives: Strategies For The Holidays

The holiday season is meant to be a joyous time, but it can be stressful when dealing with alcoholic family members. Alcohol is often used as a coping mechanism, and family gatherings can quickly turn into conflict when a loved one is struggling with substance abuse. Planning and prevention are key to managing this challenging situation. It is important to set boundaries and communicate expectations clearly, such as limiting alcohol access and offering non-alcoholic alternatives. Hosts can create an alcohol-free environment, while guests can express their discomfort with alcohol and set their own limits. Being supportive, providing distractions, and considering new traditions are also effective strategies. Ultimately, prioritizing personal well-being and safety is crucial, and seeking professional help may be necessary.

Set boundaries and expectations

Setting boundaries and expectations is a crucial aspect of dealing with an alcoholic family during the holidays. Here are some instructive guidelines to help you navigate this challenging situation effectively:

Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly

Express your boundaries directly and assertively to your alcoholic family member and the host, if you are not hosting the gathering. You don't need to make a dramatic scene, but be firm and clear. For example, you can say, "I'm looking forward to the holiday celebrations and want to participate, but I won't be comfortable if alcohol is involved." This communicates your intentions and sets a boundary regarding alcohol consumption.

Encourage Alcohol-Free Gatherings

If you are the host, set the expectation that the family event will be alcohol-free. This reduces the risk of confrontation and ensures that everyone, including those struggling with alcoholism, can enjoy the festivities. Provide a variety of non-alcoholic drinks and delicious food. This can include punch, soft drinks, apple cider, coffee, tea, and inspired non-alcoholic cocktails. Remember, you are not a bad host for limiting alcohol; instead, you are creating a safe and inclusive environment.

Plan Activities Beyond Drinking

Plan fun activities that go beyond drinking. Suggest games, a family movie night, or contribute to a family slideshow. Outdoor activities like a family hike or a game of football can be refreshing. If the weather keeps you inside, consider roller skating, watching a movie, or trying new alcohol-free holiday activities. These activities can help distract your alcoholic family member and create positive memories.

Set Rules and Consequences

If an alcoholic family member is staying with you for an extended period, establish rules and communicate the consequences of violating those rules. For example, inform them that if they break the rules, they will be asked to find alternative lodging. This sets clear expectations and helps protect your own well-being and that of other family members.

Prioritize Your Well-being

Remember that your personal health and happiness are paramount. Don't feel obligated to spare a family member's feelings at the expense of your boundaries. If you feel uncomfortable, plan to leave early, or excuse yourself politely. You can also suggest meeting in a public place as a form of "portion control," limiting your exposure to toxic behaviour.

Offer Support and Resources

While you cannot force an alcoholic family member to change, you can offer support and resources if they are willing to seek help. Let them know that you care about their well-being and encourage them to consider treatment or support groups. You can also suggest activities that don't involve drinking, such as joining a support group or engaging in sober social activities.

Remember, setting boundaries is about taking care of yourself and creating a safe environment for everyone during the holidays. It's important to communicate these boundaries clearly and directly to your alcoholic family member and other family members involved in the celebrations.

Plan activities that don't involve drinking

If you're planning activities for a family member who is an alcoholic, it's important to keep in mind that they may be struggling with their addiction during the holidays. Here are some ideas for activities that don't involve drinking:

Plan a game night

Board games, trivia contests, and interactive games are a great way to keep everyone entertained without the need for alcohol. Games provide a distraction from the temptation to drink and can be a fun way to connect with family members. Some options include old-school Nintendo games, VR headsets, Ticket to Ride, Taboo, Catan, and Scattergories.

Host a movie night or watch a play/comedy show

A movie night is a great way to spend time with family without alcohol. You can also suggest going to the theatre to watch a play or a comedy show. Laughter is a great way to lift the mood and improve everyone's spirits.

Encourage physical activity

Physical activity can be a great distraction from drinking. Suggest going for a walk, a run, or even a fitness challenge. You can also try restorative yoga or weight training—the options are endless!

Camping

Camping is a fun activity that can be done in a backyard or patio. It provides a change of scenery and allows for quality time with family without the focus being on alcohol.

Arts and crafts

Try hosting a painting night or a poetry-writing session. These activities encourage creativity and provide an outlet for emotions that may be running high during the holidays.

Non-alcoholic drinks

While this isn't an activity, offering inspired non-alcoholic drinks can be a great way to include alcoholic family members in the festivities. Mocktails, sparkling water, alcohol-free beer, and wine are all options that can make your loved one feel included without the presence of alcohol.

Remember, it's important to respect your family member's boundaries and limits during the holidays. Be supportive and understanding, and try to create a stress-free and enjoyable environment for them.

Provide non-alcoholic drinks and food

If you're hosting a holiday gathering and are concerned about a family member's drinking, it's a good idea to limit access to alcohol. This doesn't mean you have to provide no drinks at all—instead, offer a range of non-alcoholic drinks and delicious food.

If you're the host, you can set the expectations. Make it clear that this will be a family event without alcohol and ask participants what non-alcoholic drinks they would like. You could offer punch, soft drinks, apple cider, coffee, tea, or soda. You could also try some non-alcoholic winter drink recipes. Serve snacks and water, which will help people metabolise alcohol more safely and dilute the effects of alcohol if people are drinking.

If you're worried about a family member's reaction to a dry event, consider getting outside for a family hike or game of football. A change of scenery can do wonders for the body and mind. If the weather keeps you inside, consider doing something fun like roller skating or going to the movies.

If you're not the host, express your boundaries to the host or family as a whole. You could say something like, "I'm looking forward to the holiday and want to participate. However, I won't be comfortable if alcohol is involved." If your loved one has arrived at your gathering and is honouring your request not to drink, show your support and avoid drinking around them.

Avoid singling them out

If you are hosting a family gathering, it is important to set expectations ahead of time. Let your alcoholic family member know that they are welcome and that you want them to come, but also that you would prefer they did not drink alcohol while they are visiting. You could also suggest that they arrive early so you can enjoy quality time with them if they decide to leave early.

If you are concerned about an alcoholic family member causing a scene, it may be a good idea to invite other people who can act as a buffer. You could also seat people who don't get along with the alcoholic family member as far away as possible, and next to you or one of your helpers so that you can diffuse inappropriate conversation topics.

If you are hosting, you can choose not to serve alcohol at all. Instead, provide non-alcoholic drinks like punch, soft drinks, apple cider, coffee, or tea. This will give your alcoholic family member peace of mind that they won't have to face a night of temptation and triggers. It will also keep them from feeling tempted if they have arrived and honoured your request not to drink.

If you are worried about how to navigate your own drinking at a family gathering, it can be helpful to let your loved ones know ahead of time that you won't be drinking. You can frame it as a personal choice that's about your own well-being. For example, you could say something like, "Since I've stopped drinking so much I feel a lot healthier. I've lost weight and I have more energy." This way, you can avoid coming across as judgmental.

Be supportive and encouraging

If you have a loved one who is actively drinking or in recovery, the holiday season can be a challenging time. Here are some ways to be supportive and encouraging:

Communicate your support

Let your loved one know that you are there for them and want to support their recovery. Express your desire for them to be present at family gatherings, but also set clear boundaries and expectations, such as requesting that they refrain from drinking during their visit. It is important to have this conversation beforehand to avoid any potential scenes at the event. You can also offer to be their sober plus-one, providing distractions and support to help them avoid temptation.

Create a safe environment

If you are hosting a holiday gathering, consider making it alcohol-free. This reduces the risk of confrontation and can make it easier for your loved one to avoid triggers. If you feel a dry event will not work for your family, provide plenty of food and non-alcoholic drink options alongside alcoholic beverages. Plan fun activities that do not revolve around drinking, such as games, a family movie night, or outdoor activities like hiking or roller skating.

Set boundaries and limit exposure

It is important to set boundaries for yourself and your loved one. Express your boundaries clearly to the host or your family, such as stating that you will not be comfortable if alcohol is involved. If you are the host, set expectations by letting guests know this will be a family event without alcohol. If you are a guest, plan your attendance accordingly, such as arriving early and leaving when you feel it is time.

Encourage treatment and offer resources

While you cannot force your loved one to seek treatment, you can encourage them to get help and offer resources if they are interested. Plant the seeds for recovery by expressing your care for their well-being and hope that they will consider treatment options.

Include and empower your loved one

Make your loved one feel included by asking them to contribute their strengths and talents to the gathering. For example, they may enjoy assisting in the kitchen, telling stories, or working on crafts. This ensures they have a meaningful role and feel valued.

Remember, you are not alone in dealing with an alcoholic family member during the holidays. By implementing these strategies, you can provide support and encouragement while also setting healthy boundaries.

Frequently asked questions