Confronting A Friend's Alcoholism: Steps To Take

Alcohol misuse can affect not just the person struggling with it but also their friends and family. It can be challenging to figure out how to help a friend with an alcohol problem, but there are several ways to go about it. It is important to learn the signs of alcoholism, how to help an alcoholic friend, and get them suitable forms of support and treatment so they can recover. It is also crucial to take care of your emotional and mental health and seek support from friends, family, community members, and support groups.

Prepare what to say in advance

It is important to prepare what you want to say to your friend in advance. This can help to ease your nerves and ensure you are well-equipped to support them. Here are some suggestions on how to prepare:

Write down your ideas

Writing down the main points you want to discuss can help you remember your ideas during the conversation. It is normal to feel nervous or upset, so taking time to write a script or roleplay the conversation with another friend beforehand may be beneficial.

Plan to speak when they are sober

It is best to talk to your friend when they are sober and in a setting that allows you both to concentrate on the conversation without distractions. Speaking to them when they are under the influence may trigger a lot of emotions that could get out of hand.

Use "I" statements

Use direct but empathetic "I" statements to express your concerns. For example, you could say, "I understand that you are struggling, but I am concerned about you". Avoid being accusatory or angry, and do not lecture, shame, or threaten them.

Provide facts

Educate yourself on alcohol use disorders and the signs of alcohol misuse so that you can provide facts to your friend. You could say something like, "I want to share some things I've learned about how alcohol affects health".

Offer specific suggestions

Make specific suggestions to your friend about how they can cut down their drinking. For example, suggest activities that do not involve drinking, such as grabbing a coffee.

Highlight the benefits of drinking less

Emphasise the benefits of drinking less, such as saving money or spending more time together. Let them know that many people have struggled with alcohol and that they are not alone.

Remember, it may take more than one conversation to encourage your friend to seek help. By showing your support and concern, you can help them recognise that they have a problem and encourage them to accept treatment.

Be calm, direct and empathetic

It can be challenging to confront a friend about their alcohol use, but there are ways to approach the conversation calmly, directly, and empathetically. Here are some strategies to consider:

Prepare yourself and the conversation:

Take time to accept your feelings and emotions about the situation. It is normal to feel nervous, upset, or even scared about having this conversation. Educate yourself on alcohol use disorders and the signs of alcohol misuse so that you can approach the conversation with facts and understanding. Write down your main points and practice what you want to say. Roleplay the conversation with a trusted confidant to help ease your nerves and ensure you are calm and collected when the time comes.

Choose the right time and place:

Plan to have the conversation when your friend is sober and in a setting that allows both of you to concentrate fully without distractions. Timing the conversation right is crucial; avoid times when your friend is stressed or has been drinking, as this could trigger emotions that may get out of hand.

Use "I" statements and express your concerns directly:

When having the conversation, use direct but empathetic "I" statements. For example, you could say, "I understand that you are struggling, but I am concerned about you." Express your worries and provide specific reasons for your concerns based on what you have observed. For example, "I've noticed that you've been missing work a lot lately, and I'm worried that it might be related to your drinking."

Suggest specific alternatives and offer support:

Instead of simply asking your friend to stop drinking, suggest specific alternatives and highlight the benefits of making a change. For example, "Let's do things that don't involve drinking. How about we grab a coffee or go for a walk instead?" Offer to join them at doctor or counselor appointments and encourage their hobbies and healthy friendships. Be available for your friend and let them know they can call or text you when they feel the urge to drink.

Avoid enabling behaviours:

It's important to ensure that you are not enabling your friend's drinking habits. Avoid lying for them, supplying them with alcohol or money for alcohol, engaging in arguments when they are under the influence, or taking over their responsibilities. While it may be difficult, stepping aside allows them to see the consequences of their actions and encourages them to accept help.

Remember to take care of yourself during this process. Seek support from friends, family, or support groups, and consider therapy or counseling to process your feelings.

Focus on benefits of drinking less

It can be difficult to confront a friend about their alcohol consumption, but focusing on the benefits of drinking less can be a constructive way to approach the conversation. Here are some key advantages that your friend could gain from reducing their alcohol intake:

Improved Health

Excessive alcohol consumption can have numerous negative impacts on physical and mental health. By drinking less, your friend could lower their risk of developing various health problems, including liver disease, heart problems, depression, and anxiety. Reducing alcohol intake can also improve sleep quality and energy levels, leading to a healthier and more balanced lifestyle.

Better Relationships

Alcohol can impair judgment and decision-making, often leading to actions that damage personal and professional relationships. Drinking less can help your friend make better choices, improve their communication skills, and strengthen their connections with others. They may find it easier to be present and supportive in their relationships, fostering deeper and more meaningful bonds.

Enhanced Productivity and Achievements

Alcohol consumption can impact a person's ability to focus, be productive, and achieve their goals. By reducing their drinking, your friend could find improved concentration, motivation, and energy to pursue their passions and ambitions. This could lead to greater satisfaction in their career, hobbies, and personal pursuits.

Financial Savings

Alcohol can be an expensive habit, and the costs can add up quickly. By cutting back on drinking, your friend could significantly reduce their spending, freeing up money for other purposes. This could include savings for the future, investments, or expenses that align with their values and long-term goals.

Increased Sense of Control

Drinking less can give your friend a greater sense of control over their life. They may find that they have more time and energy to dedicate to personal growth, self-improvement, and pursuing new challenges. This can lead to increased self-confidence and self-esteem and a sense of empowerment.

Remember, it is important to approach this conversation with empathy and support. Focus on listening to your friend and understanding their perspective, and work together to explore the benefits that a reduction in alcohol consumption could bring.

Avoid being judgemental or angry

It is completely normal to feel worried about how your friend might react when you confront them about their alcoholism. You may fear that they will get angry, offended, or that the confrontation will negatively impact your relationship. However, staying silent about their behaviour will only enable them to believe that their drinking is not a problem.

When talking to your friend, it is important to avoid being judgemental or angry. Here are some tips to help you with this:

• Avoid "You" statements: Statements that start with "You" can sound accusatory and shaming. For example, saying "You are ruining your life" or "You are spending all your money on alcohol" will likely put your friend on the defensive.
• Use "I" statements instead: Taking ownership of your thoughts and feelings with "I" statements can make your concerns more digestible to your friend. For example, you could say, "I am worried about how drinking is impacting your life" or "I am concerned that drinking is stopping you from going to work".
• Be kind and understanding: Approach the conversation with a kind and understanding tone, rather than an accusatory or angry one.
• Plan the conversation: Write down what you want to say in advance, so that you can stay calm and avoid saying something you may regret.
• Pick the right time: Choose a time when your friend is sober and in a good mood. Avoid talking first thing in the morning or when they have a hangover.
• Be patient: It may take more than one conversation to encourage your friend to seek help. Don't give up hope, and continue to express your support and concern.
• Seek support for yourself: This can be a stressful and challenging time, so make sure to take care of yourself. Consider seeking support from friends, family, community, or counselling groups. You could also try therapy or support groups specifically for friends and family of people with alcohol use disorders, such as Al-Anon or SMART Recovery.

Take care of your own mental health

Talking to a friend about their alcohol consumption can be emotionally challenging. It is important to take care of your own mental health during this time. Here are some ways to do that:

Seek Social Support

It is important to have your own support system in place. Turn to friends, family, community members, or support groups for help. Consider joining a support group specifically for loved ones of people with alcohol use disorders, such as Al-Anon or SMART Recovery for Friends and Family. These groups can provide valuable resources and help you develop healthier strategies to deal with your friend's alcoholism.

Educate Yourself

Learn about alcohol use disorders and the signs of alcohol misuse. Understanding the condition can help you feel more prepared and empowered when talking to your friend. It can also help you identify any enabling behaviours you may be engaging in and focus on more positive ways to support your friend.

Practice Self-Care

Take time to accept and process your own feelings. It is normal to feel nervous, upset, or hurt by your friend's behaviour. Make sure to do things that help you stay grounded and maintain your emotional well-being. This could include activities such as meditation, exercise, or hobbies that bring you joy.

Set Boundaries

Remember that your needs are important too. Set healthy boundaries with your friend to ensure that you are not enabling their alcoholism or neglecting your own self-care. It can be easy to get consumed by your friend's struggles, so make sure to step back when needed. Focus on encouraging your friend to seek professional help and treatment rather than trying to fix the problem yourself.

Seek Professional Help

If you feel overwhelmed or struggle with symptoms of anxiety or depression, consider seeking professional help. Counselling or therapy with a mental health professional can provide you with a safe space to discuss your feelings and develop strategies to cope with the situation.

Frequently asked questions