Lena Savoie
Alcohol abuse and addiction, or alcohol use disorder (AUD), is a chronic but treatable condition that can affect not just the drinker but their family and loved ones too. It can be difficult to know how to talk to someone about their alcohol use, and you may worry about upsetting them or feel scared to face the issue. However, by showing your support and concern, you may be able to help them see that they have a problem and would benefit from addiction treatment. It's important to remember that you cannot force someone to stop abusing alcohol, but there are some concrete actions you can take before and during the conversation.
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What You'll Learn
Recognising the signs of alcohol misuse
Alcohol misuse, also known as alcohol use disorder (AUD), is a medical condition characterised by an impaired ability to stop or control alcohol use despite adverse social, occupational, or health consequences. It can be tricky to spot the signs of alcohol dependence, and people with AUD can feel ashamed about their drinking and may get upset if confronted. Here are some signs to look out for:
- Impaired control over alcohol use: This includes not being able to control how long a drinking session is, how much alcohol is consumed, how frequently one drinks, being unable to stop drinking once started, or drinking on inappropriate occasions or in inappropriate places.
- Giving increasing priority to alcohol: If drinking takes precedence over other daily activities and responsibilities, it may be a sign of alcohol misuse. This could include giving up or cutting back on important, interesting, or pleasurable activities in order to drink.
- Continued drinking despite negative consequences: This includes continuing to drink even though it is causing or exacerbating health problems, interpersonal conflicts, or issues at work or school.
- Craving alcohol: A strong need or urge to drink can be triggered by people, places, things, or times of day associated with alcohol consumption. Certain emotions or physical sensations can also trigger cravings.
- Withdrawal symptoms: When the effects of alcohol wear off, withdrawal symptoms such as trouble sleeping, shakiness, restlessness, nausea, or sweating may occur.
- Increased tolerance: Drinking much more than before to get the desired effect or finding that the usual number of drinks has much less effect can be signs of alcohol misuse.
- Risk-taking behaviour: Alcohol can impair judgement and increase the likelihood of engaging in risky behaviours such as driving, swimming, fighting, having unsafe sex, or walking in dangerous areas.
It is important to note that recognising these signs does not necessarily mean that someone has AUD. However, if multiple signs are present and they are causing distress or harm to the individual's life, it may be indicative of alcohol misuse. If you are concerned about someone's drinking, choosing the right moment to talk to them about it calmly and seeking professional help are important steps to take.
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Preparing to have the conversation
It can be difficult to know how to talk to someone about their alcohol consumption. It may be helpful to keep the following in mind when preparing to have the conversation:
Accept your feelings
It's normal to feel nervous or upset about bringing up the topic of alcohol misuse with a loved one. Before you talk, take some time to accept your own feelings.
Learn about alcohol misuse
Before approaching your loved one, it may be helpful to learn about alcohol misuse and addiction. Understanding the signs of alcohol misuse and the various treatment options can help you prepare for the conversation.
Seek support
Consider seeking support for yourself through resources or therapy. Talking to a therapist or counsellor, or attending support groups for friends and family of people with alcohol misuse problems, can help you feel less alone and provide you with strategies for addressing your loved one's problem.
Plan what to say
It may be helpful to plan what you want to say in advance. Try writing a script or role-playing the conversation with a friend. Focus on one specific change that could help your loved one, such as taking a few nights off from drinking each week, and use positive language. For example, instead of saying "I wish you wouldn't drink every night", try saying "How about trying a few alcohol-free nights each week?".
Choose the right time and place
Pick a time when your loved one is in a good mood and not under the influence of alcohol. Avoid talking first thing in the morning or when they have a hangover. Find a good place to talk where you can have privacy and minimal distractions.
Remember that it may take more than one conversation to encourage your loved one to seek help. Show your support and concern, and be ready to stay the course as they work on themselves and seek treatment.
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What to say and what not to say
What to say
- "I'm worried about your drinking because I've noticed you've been missing work."
- "Lots of people have struggled with alcohol. You're not alone, and it can get better."
- "Let's do things that don't involve drinking. How about grabbing a coffee?"
- "Think about the money you'd save if you cut back on drinking."
- "I know that drinking less is hard for you. How can I support you?"
- "Talk to me when you want a drink. Whenever you feel the urge to drink, you can call or text me instead."
- "I can see that you're not ready to talk about this yet. I'm here for you whenever you're ready."
- "I'm concerned about how drinking could be affecting your health and how it will continue to cause harm."
- You're not alone in this. Many people have struggled with alcohol.
- I'm here for you, and I want to support you in seeking help.
What not to say
- Avoid lecturing, shaming, or threatening.
- Refrain from blaming or coming on too strong, as this can backfire.
- Avoid using emotion to steer the conversation or judging their behaviour.
- Do not try to diagnose or treat them; your role is to support, not to counsel.
- Do not cover for them or their drinking; allow them to face the consequences of their actions.
- Avoid commenting and criticising every time they drink.
- Do not keep their drinking a secret.
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Encouraging treatment and self-help
It is important to remember that you cannot force someone to stop abusing alcohol. However, you can encourage them to seek help and support them as they try to overcome their drinking problem. Here are some ways to do that:
- Educate yourself about alcohol addiction and treatment options: Before approaching your loved one, take the time to learn about alcohol addiction, including the signs, effects, and available treatment options. This will help you understand the problem and provide informed support.
- Choose an appropriate time and place for the conversation: Pick a time when the person is in a good mood and not under the influence of alcohol. Avoid talking first thing in the morning or when they have a hangover. Find a private and calm environment where you can have an open and honest conversation without distractions.
- Express your concerns and care: Start the conversation by expressing your concerns about their drinking habits and explaining how it affects their health and well-being. Let them know that you care about them and want to support them.
- Use positive and non-judgmental language: Avoid lecturing, shaming, or using emotional language to steer the conversation. Instead, use positive and encouraging language. For example, say, "I know that drinking less is hard for you. How can I support you?"
- Provide specific examples and suggestions: Give specific reasons for your concerns based on what you have observed. For example, "I've noticed that you've been missing work lately, and I'm worried about how your drinking might be contributing to that." Make specific suggestions for alternative activities that don't involve drinking, such as grabbing a coffee or participating in alcohol-free events.
- Focus on the benefits of change: Emphasize the positive outcomes of reducing alcohol intake, such as improved health, financial savings, and better relationships. Help them set small, realistic goals and celebrate their successes along the way.
- Encourage professional help: Suggest that they schedule a check-up with their doctor or seek counselling services. Offer to accompany them to appointments or meetings if they wish. Provide information about local support groups, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, or look for counsellors covered by their insurance plan.
- Be supportive and patient: Remember that overcoming an alcohol problem takes time and relapses may occur. Continue to offer your support and encouragement throughout their journey. Be there to listen and provide a safe space for them to share their feelings without judgement.
- Take care of yourself: Helping someone with an alcohol problem can be emotionally challenging. Make sure to practice self-care and seek your own support system, such as therapy, support groups, or confiding in trusted friends or family members.
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Looking after yourself
Confronting someone about their alcohol problem can be emotionally challenging, so it's important to look after yourself throughout the process. First, accept your own feelings. It's normal to feel nervous or upset about the conversation. You may worry about upsetting your loved one or feel scared to face the issue. It's important to seek support for yourself through resources or therapy, as this can help you feel less alone in your challenge. Talk to a trusted friend, counsellor, or spiritual leader about what you're going through. You can also consider reading relevant articles, books, or websites to gain a better understanding of alcohol misuse.
Remember to take time for yourself and do things that you enjoy. It's important to not let negative feelings consume you. You may feel a deep sense of care and a strong desire to help, but be sure to take a step back from time to time. Don't let the other person's drinking become a secret that you keep, and don't cover up for them or make excuses for their behaviour. This will only prevent them from seeing the consequences of their actions.
Additionally, it's important to manage your expectations. Remember that it may take more than one conversation to encourage your loved one to seek help. They may be defensive or deny the problem, so try not to take it personally. Understand that they need to make the decision to change themselves, and you cannot force them to stop abusing alcohol. Instead, focus on offering your support and presenting your concerns in a way that helps them see things more clearly.
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Frequently asked questions
Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is defined by how drinking negatively affects a person's life. There may be physical signs, such as bloodshot eyes, alcohol on their breath, sleeping more than usual or appearing tired, and/or an unsteady gait. There may also be behavioural changes, such as frequent anger, belligerence, or moodiness for no apparent reason.
Educate yourself on addiction and alcohol abuse. Then, pick a time when they are in a good mood and not under the influence of alcohol. Use positive language and avoid judging. Focus on the benefits of making a change and offer specific suggestions for activities that don't involve drinking.
You can say things like, "Lots of people have struggled with alcohol. You’re not alone, and it can get better," and "I know that drinking less is hard for you. How can I support you?" You can also give specific reasons for your concerns, such as, "I’m worried about your drinking because I’ve noticed you’ve been missing work."
